Raw, 4/26/04
(where I still can't get my head around the tag situation, Kane's just here for love sweet love, and Hunter stops being Mr. Untouchable Badass for roughly two minutes -- mark your calendars.)
-- Attitude! Entertainment! Boo! Gay!
-- Package of: Shawn/Benoit jawing at each other, TEJ in an extremely metro shirt, Trips being pissy, Shawn kicking him in the head (which I imagine didn't do wonders for the pissiness), and Benoit/Edge inexplicably winning the tag belts.
-- Hey, your sign's upside down.
-- They're in Topeka. Presumably this is far enough away to avoid the proliferation of kryptonite.
-- Tag rematch later tonight, to right the grievous wrong that is B/E: Tag Champs.
-- Amy. Jay: "Well, she looks less drugged than usual."
me (thinking): "OMG SHE IS HIGH ON MATT."
-- Vicky! Her hair looks nice. She tries to kiss another kid on the way to the ring, but he fears her, and so she hugs him instead. He looks uncomfortable but smiles.
-- Molly/Gail. Gail stole one of Miss Jackie's shirts. Molly's pretending to be Steph again. Only sans the dork-strap, though. Alas.
-- JR and Jerry make a point of mentioning *again* that Gail is from Korea (SHE IS FROM CANADA, DAMN YOU).
-- Gail does a head-scissors into an ARMBAR (Caps TM CJ). Nice.
-- Amy runs in and breaks the hold, afterwards having a spaz attack where she's all, "YEE-UH! Bizzitch."
-- Molly loses her shit along with her wig again. So it's good to see she's...over her fear of bad hair. Sort of.
-- Amy hits Gail with a fucked-up DDT (no, really, it was fucked-up...I thought it was a suplex gone wrong) for the win, and Kane arrives.
-- Kane looks like he's being nice to Amy, pets her hair, and then sniffs her. (OMG NO) He makes a kissyface, and lunges at her like he's going to bite her.
-- Amy runs backstage to Matt, and babbles incoherently about Kane. Matt says that he's got a match with Kane, and that bitch gone pay! They hug. Then Amy lets out a truly impressive horror-flick scream, and Kane beats the shit out of Matt. The camera guy seems awkwardly caught in the middle.
-- Matt. Oh, Matt, Matt, Matt. You hapless sap.
-- commercials
-- Coach in the ring. He's from Kansas, apparently, so he makes fun of the place with the thoroughness of a native.
-- Tajiri. Um...is he gonna cut a promo?
-- OMG HE IS. Hey, Tajiri speaks English! Who knew?
-- Coach is all, bitch please. Tajiri naturally schools him. Cade comes out to cradle Coach (no, really).
-- Hunter. (Hunter?) He stops in the middle of the aisle to point and laugh at Coach. Hee! Then he heads down to the ring, mock-laughs a bit, and throws out Tajiri, getting down to business. Darn, I was hoping for some Dork!Hunter. Ah well.
-- He bitches about Shawn/Benoit, and Tajiri crawls back to the ring. Hunter decides to use him as a human flashcard for his speech, but Tajiri greenmists him. He thrashes about wildly. Jay makes fun of the camerawork.
-- commercials. One for The WWE Experience, our replacement for Dorkidential. Dammit, it's not the same.
-- Moments Ago, the cameraman had a seizure, or at least pretended to in sympathy with Hunter.
-- In the BischCave, Hunter yells at a plant, thinking it's Eric. Bisch tries not to laugh in his green face. He gives Hunt a match with Tajiri, and Hunter starts yelling again, only this time at Bisch's picture on the wall.
Hunter: (after a long pause) "Did he leave?"
I heart Dork!Trips.
-- JR (to Eugene): "You wanna do some commentary? You'll fit right in here with us." (*snicker*)
-- Eugene spouts some Patterson trivia, likes La Resistance's flag because it's blue, happily chirps "Gore" as Rhyno comes out, and chants "USA" with the crowd. Then he goes off and does some cartwheels, bringing Regal on to commentary. Mmm. British.
-- There's a pretty green-looking ref (and here I'm speaking metaphorically, and not literally like Hunter), who is literally bouncing his entire body off the mat every time he makes a count. It's kind of fun. I thought you should know.
-- I am actually spending most of this match not actually watching (dude, it's Conway/Rhyno...tell me why I should. I mean, I like Rhyno, but *really*), but instead listening to Regal on commentary telling Eugene, "No, come away from there, dear boy."
-- Eugene sets off all the pyro. The announce table jumps like they're being shot at. (Regal in particular thrashes about so wonderfully that Jay tapes the replay just to get his expression. Hee!) This allows Rhyno to pull out the win. Heh.
-- commercials
Carrot Top: "Two words -- superstar!"
me: "Isn't that one word?" (Jay disagrees with me. Please feel free to offer your opinion.)
-- Hey, Peter Pan's coming out!
...Sorry.
-- Matt and Adam both look like geeks. (This is true, but I don't remember in what context *specifically* I was referring to. I think in their wizpics.)
-- TEJ gets accosted by La Res and Regal (w/ Eugene), setting up a match in two weeks.
-- Todd NewGuy plugs WWEx again (eventually I'll stop calling him NewGuy, really...it's a habit of mine), Adam wears a Black Label shirt, Shawn crashes the interview, Benoit's all, "Bitch, are you for real?", and he and Adam boast.
-- Trishtian and their manslave. On the way to the ring, Jay (ntoo) pulls her hair randomly. I swear that sometimes he's doing it just to annoy her. Or annoy the hairstylist.
-- commercials
-- Sting O' The Night: TSquared (T2? Yeah, I like that better) kicks CJ in the head.
-- Darn, we missed Jay talking trash to the crowd. He proceeds to talk himself up, and Trish is all, "Ow."
-- She looks like a pirate in those pants.
-- Jay mentions wanting the championship. Yeah. That'll happen.
...I say this with bitter, bitter love.
-- Sign: "Fozzy Played My Prom"
-- Brian Christopher comes out to interrupt/fight. OMG GM and Christian's outfits have the exact same shade of blue on them. If this means something in The Wardrobe Game I am seriously freaked out.
-- Ticker 2.0, but only like two screens long.
-- GM briefly debates doing the Shawn Michaels Rope Trick, but apparently can't do it and winds up dropping to the outside instead. Heh.
-- Christian wins (did you need this spelled out?), T2 kicks GMS, Ceej's 'Tron appears, Jay sends T2 up the ramp to get him, Ceej uses the opportunity to sneak-attack Jay out of the ring and briefly WoJ Trish.
-- Most importantly: OMFG HE IS WEARING SNAKESKIN PANTS. (*dead*)
-- Jay (no, the other one) points out that the end poses of Hunter and Tajiri's wizpics are almost exactly the same. Heh.
-- commercials. OMG Music Choice is starting up a '90s channel! (*happy*) Not until July, though.
-- Out comes Trips, still dabbing his eyes, with green all over his chin. What the hell has he been *doing* for a half hour? He couldn't find a wetnap or something?
-- Jerry: "What *is* that green stuff? Is it saliva?"
me: (sarcastic enough to kill on contact) "Yes, Jerry. Tajiri has green saliva."
Jay: "He drinks too much NyQuil. It's the original Green Death Fuckin Flavor." (TM Denis Leary) "That's why it burns so much, it's DEATH."
-- Sign: "HHH = JOTW" OHHHHH. He just got served.
-- Jay: "They mentioned the word Velocity! And there's green on his face! It's a shoutout!"
-- Sign: "Thank you HP" ...Quoi?
-- Hunter ducks the mist ("Bitch, I only sell that shit *once*"), 'Gree for the win.
-- commercials
-- Earlier Tonight, Kane/Amy/Matt were one Bizarre Love Triangle. Kane's waiting for that final moment when she says the words that he can't say.
-- Oh, apropos of nothing, Jay and I have both decided (independently of each other, mind you) that this show needs Randy Orton. So it *must* be true. Also, apparently he has brainwashing powers.
-- Matt Fact: Matt always meets his deadlines. Which is accompanied by Matt showing up late. See, it's ironical.
-- JR: "I've got a lot of respect for Matt Hardy."
me (indignant): "Since *when*?"
-- Amy runs out to get Kane to stop beating the everloving shit out of Matt, and then has the nerve to be surprised when he grabs her.
-- Kane kisses Amy quickly, and happily walks away...that's all?
-- Jerry: "He's *orgasmic*!" Eww. But hey, not a corpse to be found. Good for him.
-- commercials. Aww, that one said Booya. I miss Shane.
There are probably more recaps where I say I miss Shane than recaps that he's actually *in*. Damned slippery McMahon.
-- Victoria in DC, getting kids to become Democrats. (Or something...I wasn't quite clear on the party politics of this whole thing.) She also talks to Hillary. Oddness.
-- Jerry wants to talk to the audience about "the importance of reading", which is really a shameless plug for the Divas mag. (Deeeeevas. Deeeeeeeevas. Divas for yoooooooou.)
-- Jerry: "When I read about Stacy, you have no idea what I use as a bookmark."
It takes me a second to get this, and then I yell, "Oh, NO!" in dismay.
-- Stacy comes out, surprisingly undisturbed. (Maybe she just didn't hear it.) Jerry says that Harley Race wants to see her up-close. Um...kay. That is possibly the most random way they could have worked him into the show. Ever.
-- Randy interrupts. Everyone but me immediately connects the dots to a HR beatdown, but I am too distracted by teh hottness. Dude, he looks so. GOOD.
-- Randy hocks a loogie *into* the microphone, making sure that everyone can hear the phlegm at work. It takes a longass time. HR *easily* could have hit him in the meantime.
-- Shelton comes out and whups Randy a bit. Whee, midcard!
-- ...WAIT I AM CONFUSED. Does this mean no Edge/Randy? STUPID TAG BELTS.
-- commercials
-- SDRebound: Paul E fills in for MostlyDead!Kurt. He annoys the Duds into hitting RVD. Rico loves up Charlie (Charlieeeeeee! I miss you!). Booker runs from Mark. Eddie vs. Duds, JBL (*HISS* -- dude, I'm still mad at them for taking the nickname of one of my favorite fictional characters and giving it to fucking *Bradshaw*) attacks -- shill that PPV, boys! Shill! (*shakes head*)
-- I never noticed before how thin Jerry Lawler's hair is now.
-- Batista/Flair backstage. TFD cuts a dynamic promo. (This is slightly less than sarcastic -- I thought the beginning sounded pretty good.) He *does* grab PiaR's robe, and I am amazed that he lives to tell. Ric contributes a Wooo, because really, that's all we need.
-- commercials. According to Music Choice, John Lennon got the idea for "Do You Want To Know A Secret?" from Fantasia (the Disney movie, not the AI contestant, damn you). Now I am compelled to look this up.
-- Rewind: Flying Headbutt, SCM, Spear, belts.
-- I am such the shallowest thing that ever shallowed.
-- The veins, though, are REALLY FUCKING SCARY. kthxbai. (Not on the level of Steiner/Warrior, but that's like saying decapitation is less scary than being burned alive.)
...I don't know where the fuck these analogies come from.
-- Adam looks cute this week. He's been very hit or miss lately.
-- Dude, Benny *loves* shoving that oversized belt in people's faces. Little braggart.
-- JR (re: TFD): "Here comes a real difference-maker!"
(*TFD misses elbow drop*)
Jay: "Yeah, he made a difference...on the mat!"
-- Adam has the nerve to put the Figure Four on Flair. Canadians.
-- Flair does two Flair Flops in a row. These whippersnappers are *schooled*.
-- commercials
-- Um, there's still a match going on, and I still have nothing to say about it.
-- Sign: "On Our Honeymoon". ...I'm not sure what to say about that. I was going to say it was sad, and yet, that's the kind of geeky-ass thing that I'd think would be entertaining.
-- TFD puts Ben in some half-crab type thing, and flips off Adam. OH. Where's the FCC?
-- TFD gets an enziguri and does a wonderful deadweight fall that is very reminiscent of the Flair Flop. (See, working with Ric Flair *is* educational.)
-- Oh, Adam speared Flair and they kept the belts. (OMGWHY???)
-- Trips comes out for a beatdown on Benoit, Shawn comes out indiscriminately swinging (IN BED...wait, sorry, that's Old!Shawn), Adam's all, Hey, that's my partner! Shawn's all, my bad, we coo? Adam shakes on it (he's Canadian, I thought he'd be able to hold a grudge against Shawn Michaels longer than that), but Benoit attacks Shawn, and Adam has to talk him down. As a wise Foo Fighter once said: "Communicate! Communicate!"
-- We out.