Raw, 5/17/04
(where Rocky gets good PR, Randy promptly brings me down into the gutter
-- like that's a new development, and there's, you know, a battle royal or
something.)
-- Jay and I have decided that, during today's show, we are going to randomly
unleash the Bed/Pants game on you. You've been warned.
-- Jay (re: the company umbrella vid): "Oh, they added Experience."
me (not at all bitter, WTF are you talking about):
"Bitches."
-- The pyro goes off. A dude is seen holding his ears. Wussy.
-- Okay, so I know people who do this...but still.
-- They're in San Diego! ...And I have suddenly realized that both the comments I have about San Diego are totally unrelated to the topic at hand and make me sound like a complete fangirly geek. So never mind.
-- Tonight: Edge/Benoit vs. Orton/Batista. w00t!
-- Also tonight, is the #1 Contender Battle Royal. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say Hurricane's gonna do it. NO ONE WOULD SEE IT COMING!
-- Amy. Sign: "Lita: Just Say No". AUTOMATIC COMEDY.
-- Oh, wait...they meant to Kane. Never mind.
-- Replay of Trish being an evil geek last week, which she continues in the ring.
-- Amy's hair doesn't look as bad this week, by the way.
-- Sign: "Will wrestle for millions of $$$" ...Well...*yeah*.
-- Sign: "Happy Birthday Arwen". I was too thrown by the sudden LOTR to come up with a clever joke.
-- Oh, JR just told us to read the Bible. I just want you to know this.
-- Trish goes from a spinebuster to a sleeper. Put on a clinic, Trish!!!
-- JR calls Amy's CrackMove (TM) a Twist of Fate, which it's totally not.
Then Kane harasses Amy on the 'Tron, leading her to lose.
(JR: "[Trish] cheated to win!"
me: "It's like she's an honorary Guerrero.")
-- Kane wants Amy to give him an answer. JR just wants to know what
the question is.
Jay: "Well, he obviously wants to do her."
me: "Maybe he wants her to dress like a cheerleader and *dance*!"
Jay: "....or maybe that."
-- commercials. Jay decides that WWE films should remake a Cheech and Chong movie with the Guerreros.
-- Slam of the Week: Ort cheats to beat Adam. Tight pull! God bless you, Randy Orton.
-- Smug Bastard RO hits the ring. (*rubs hands together*) Oh, this should be good.
-- Randy: "I like to talk about myself."
me: "In bed."
-- R: "I'm the longest...reigning Intercontinental champion --"
me+Jay: "IN MY PANTS!"
-- R: "I could go on and on --"
me (now to the point where I'm jumping the gun and yelling): "IN BED!!!"
Jay: "Okay. I think you're getting too into this."
-- R: "Tonight it's about Triple H."
me: (*long pause*) (quietly) "In my pants?"
Jay: "Heh."
-- Shelton interrupts. He's all, bitch please, I *own* Hunter's ass
(in
bed).
-- Sign: "Edge needs Christian".
YES.
(............in bed.)
-- Shelton: "You think you're better than me?"
Randy: "I KNOW I'M BETTER THAN YOU!"
me (triumphant): "IN bed!"
-- Oh, Randy. He played the race card. Who does he think he is? Hunter?
-- Shelt takes offense and attacks Ort, who is of course saved by his
boy Flair.
....I hate the Internet.
-- commercials. This YJ Stinger contest...*fabulous*. Also? Gratuitous Unisphere shot! (*squee*) Also? Jay: "We don't need the *VH1* ripoff."
-- Someone seems to have taped over the middle of the WMXX commercial. Silly rabbit.
-- Evolution. They totally talk around the game. Hunter...he thwarts me at every turn, yo. Well, that's okay. This game gets really annoying for more than one segment, anyway.
-- Eugene+Regal. Not to mention, of course... GLASSES!BISCH!!!!! (TEH SEXAY)
-- Bisch: "We're going to humiliate him."
me: "How? Would he notice?"
-- In the background, Eugene semi-juggles some bowling pins, and plays with a fire extinguisher.
-- Jerry: "With uncles like Eric, who needs enemies?" Truer words, yo.
-- Recap of Suspended!Shawn. Bisch: "Enough is enough!"
me+Jay (unison): "And it's time for a change!"
-- commercials. Skittles give you power over fish. Insert a Jeff/dead fish joke here.
-- Enter Kane and his Black Towel of Angst. Apparently Val demanded this match. Stupid bastard.
-- New!Ref is in this match! They start him off easy. No marathons for him. Heh.
-- TICKER OF DOOM!
-- Matt attacks Kane (getting in a quick "V-ONE-AH!"). This goes as well as you'd imagine.
-- Actually, it probably goes even *worse*, as Kane hangs him in a Tree of Woe and chokes him with a wire, then throws him down and chokes him with a chair. Dude. Creative sadism. Good stuff.
-- Amy runs out EMOTING, and of course says yes to the nebulous question. Matt is all unconscious with his tongue sticking out. Hee!
-- Jay: "I guess that means Matt's out of the Battle Royal." (*dramatic pause*) "This could be Eugene's big chance!"
-- commercials. ...Okay, I need a potty break. Be right back.
-- Jay here doin some guest-recappin!
-- Hurricane on Reg to Vote rally. Shel is there too. "99 cents don't make a dollar," says Helms. Why, I don't know.
-- Chris Benoit is here and he's pissed. Now Adam joins us, with same ol' boring video. I think Edge says "damn straight" at one point.
-- Now here's the Gay Mafia, minus HHH.
And now here's Jen again.
-- Why, thank you, Jay. Give it up for Jay, people.
(Sidenote: When he gave me back the notebook, he said, "I can't do this.
I just don't *write* fast enough." It's all practice baby...that,
and taking sketchy-ass notes.)
-- Sign: "Chris Benoit is 4-Real." Unlikeliest catchphrase ever.
-- OMG O/B are whispering in each other's ears. THEY DO THIS TO ME ON PURPOSE.
-- Then Ad/Ort lick their lips at each other. Sluts.
-- Jerry: "I don't think there's one ounce of fat on Batista."
Jay: "There's at least 10 pounds of 'roids."
-- Jay lecturing them on their own gimmicks:
JR (re: Ort): "He never met a mirror he didn't like."
Jay: "He's not *Mark Jindrak*, JR."
(me (in head): "OMG O/J 4EVA!!!ONE!!1!" Because I spend way
too much time online.)
-- House is cleared, bringing us to...
-- commercials. I know nothing about Onimusha, but I want to point out that that one guy looks like Jean Reno.
-- I am amused by the guy near the front who jumps up, randomly does the Cena Hand Wave, and then sits back down.
-- Jay: "*There's* the Deadly Snap Suplex
(TM)."
me: "That guy --" (different guy, btw) "-- got up and applauded for the Deadly
Snap Suplex."
Jay: "I would too!"
-- Great Moments in Out-of-Context Commentary:
JR: "Orton like a lawn dart -- a torpedo! Into Batista!"
No comment.
-- Randy hits Benny with the belt and then tries to hide it under himself in the pin. Dork!
-- Anyway, all of this is for naught, and E/B keep their belts...WHY DO THEY KEEP WINNING? We need more real tag teams, man. TFBBQ.
-- Eug+Reg. Regal tells him to stand up and project.
Eugene: "Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-La-Tito Santana!"
-- Regal has a moment of conscience, where it sounds like he's about to rat out Bisch's scheme. Instead, he's all, "Your Uncle Eric and I wish you good luck." Eugene heads out. Regal angsts. Yay, British angst! (<3 DoD)
-- commercials
-- Todd is going to interview Eugene. Yay Todd!
-- Dude, the place is *filled* with Eugene signs. Let's take a moment
to point out a sampling of the good, the bad, and the ugly:
"Eugene is me hero"
"Eugene is #1" (This is only noticeable because it was SO FUCKING
SPARKLY...that's some mighty fine effort right there)
"Retard Strength" (now that's just wrong)
"I drive Eugene's bus"
"Eugene, will you marry me?"
-- My favorite: "Eugene -- The Next Big Thing". Somewhere, Brock Lesnar just squeezed a football into stuffing.
-- Coach comes out and pimpslaps Todd (metaphorically), stealing the interview, presumably at Bisch's bidding. Then Coach browbeats Eugene. Bad Coach.
-- Coach: "Here's a TV show saying that you should be familiar with -- Life Goes On." That is SO WRONG. (Okay, I laughed, but it's still wrong.)
-- Rocky comes out to defend Eugene. Yes, because if Rocky is anything, it's *selfless*.
-- Also, Rocky is making up his own weird insults again, so you know.
(-- Jerry mutters, "What *is* a popcorn fart?" at the exact same time that I begin writing, "What the shit is a popcorn fart, anyway?")
-- God help us, this gimmick is actually over. I must know how the fuck Vince manages to do these things.
-- ROCK/LILIAN OTP!!!one!
-- Rocky: "Who's your boy standing beside you in the ring?"
Eugene: "The Rock!"
Rocky: "Who's the People's Champ?"
Eugene: "The Rock!"
Rocky: "And who's your favorite wrestler?"
Eugene: "TRIPLE H!!!"
-- Rocky is shocked and confused. My mom giggles uncontrollably.
-- Eugene explains that he likes Trips because "we both like to play games!" (*snicker*) Come on, that's kind of cute.
-- Rocky: "The only game [Hunter] likes to play is Hide The Strudel."
me (in head): "OMG HOW DO YOU KNOW ROCKY???"
-- Rocky suggests games they can now play. One of them is Dodgeball. Dude, I vote for that, that'd be fuckin *funny*.
-- Jerry: "Is Rock going to put Eugene in the movies with him? They could do a remake of Rain Man or something." ENTERTAINMENT.
-- commercials
-- SDRebound: Eddie busts up Bradshaw's limo, then bumrushes him (no, really, that's how the announcers called it) in handcuffs. Then an artsy halfassed Judgment Day recap makes it sound like Bradshaw won the belt, which he totally didn't.
-- Eugene's Favorite Wrestler enters for the battle royal. Entertainingly, in my notes I abbreviated this as EFW and couldn't remember what it meant, leading my mom to suggest, "Extraordinarily Fat Warrior".
-- Anyway, he, Maven (HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO SHAVE YOUR EYEBROWS? I'VE NEVER HAD TO SHAVE MY EYEBROWS), and Ceej get in their entrances before we head to...
-- commercials. You know, every time I see the words "Red Dead Revolver", I think it says "Redead Revolver". I have played way too much Zelda in my time.
-- We come back to Shelton, then Kane, then Adam. They announce that
Jay isn't going to be here. FUCKING HELL. Then why am
I watching?
-- Mafia comes out last.
Jay (the only one, tonight): (*sounding horrified*) "RANDY CHANGED HIS
*TIGHTS*."
me: "He's cool like that."
-- Bell rings, and dogpile on Evo! These people are no dummies.
-- Kane throws out many people. Hurri won't stand for it!
Jay: "Oh, yeah, Hurricane, like *that's* going to work."
me: "But Jay! It's PAST HISTORY!!!"
-- Kane throws Hurri over the top rope. Rosey catches him and rolls him back in. Hee! Knew he'd be good for something eventually.
-- YOU SEE? OMG HE'S GOING TO GO ALL THE WAY!!!11!
-- commercials. Jay wishes death on all responsible.
...Okay, not really. But he is *pissed*. (much like Chris Benoit)
-- Edge/CJ momentarily fight in the corner (with their Mad Fluffy Canadian Luv). Being me, I feel this needs to be chronicled for the whole five seconds it lasted.
-- CJ does the Shawn Rope Spot. REPRESENT THE S/C LUV!
-- Rhyno has the misfortune to beat up Randy, and thus receives a MAFIA STYLE SHITKICKING (TM), this time from all of said Mafia.
-- Oh, and apparently, they *are* all dummies, because all of Evolution is still in the ring.
-- They go into their final commercial break (JR promises). Jay chokes on his futile rage.
-- Hey, Hurri was the last one out who's not in a major storyline! Good for him.
-- Kane just groped Orton. For he is Teh Sexy. Not even Kane can resist.
-- CJ goes out over the corner, and clips the steps on his way down. FUCKING OW.
-- Shelton attempts the SRS. It does not work, and he has to roll into
the ring like normal people. Alas. (not everyone is as
cool as Shawn and Chris)
-- Kane chokeslams everyone, then is given the SPINEBUSTER OF DESTRUCITY by TFD, who is thrown out by Adam. Ad spears everyone except Randy, who ducks. Ad tries the SRS, but third time is not the charm, and Randy kicks him a lot to get him out. This, in case you're actually trying to follow, leaves us with Trips, Shelton, Orton, and Kane.
-- Shelton, realizing the SRS just isn't gonna happen for him, hangs upside down by his *knee* for a bit. Crazy bitch.
-- Jay: "Kane's just laying there."
me: "Who does he think he is? Road Dogg?"
-- My sketchiness is supreme, as I have no notes whatsoever on how Shelton and Randy wound up out of the match. Go me.
-- Shawn comes out, beats up Trips, fucks up his kickup, and tosses Trips out of the ring. Apparently this counts (WTF?). Trips is horrified. Shawn dashes back into the crowd, and then gets stuck there until security can rescue him. Mom and I laugh like the geeks we are.