Raw, 5/24/04
(where Hunter and Shawn are apparently destroying the VERY FABRIC OF RAW.
At least according to Bisch. And, you know, he's always right.)
-- Package of the Battle Royal. CJ's landing just makes me *hurt*.
JR: "Kane has become the biggest bull in the pasture!" (No comment.)
H/Sness. Kane's #1 contendership is pastede on yay!
-- Trips wraps his wrists dramatically and whines, threatening Shawn. Bisch reinstates Shawn (so their never-ending saga can carry on in earnest) and announces H/S for Bad Blood. Trips doesn't let Bisch explain the stip that Shawn wanted, which will of course come back to bite him in his expansive ass later.
-- Trips turns to Evo and yells at them, all, "Where the hell were *you* people last week?", and wants unity. I'm all, "Bitch, it's *so* not about you."
-- Hunter's gonna wait around for Shawn to show up. Randy tells him
to kick Shawn's ass. Hunter thinks, and calls TFD to bodyguard him
while he waits. Pussy.
(Alternate #1: OMG HE STANDS IN THE WAY OF TEH O/B!
Alternate #2: OMG THIS IS LIKE MAFIA!FIC BACKSTORY!)
-- Ric is fighting Adam. It's the random. Also, Randy's going to be on the Highlight Reel later! Allow me to throw in a, "Oooooooooh." For I am shallow.
-- Hey, they totally didn't do the opening video-pyro-music. I feel so cheated.
-- Jerry says something about the fear in Adam's eyes. I don't know, I'd say he looks more like, "Dude, I'm fighting Flair? Sweet!"
-- Supporting evidence, in that Ad gets hit, and just sits in awe for a few seconds. I crack up.
-- JR: "An electrifying shot to Edge."
Jay: "It's *electrifying*!"
me (deadpan): "He's got chills. They're multiplying."
-- We'd like to point out that Flair actually got off the top rope for once. Not that it *worked*, but still. Historic, yo.
-- Benj comes out to fuck up Randy, and, presumably no longer distracted by Teh Sexy (shut up, I like my logic), Adam wins.
-- Outside, TFD steals a chair from some poor bastard for Hunter to straddle threateningly. Pointless, but it makes me giggle.
-- commercials
-- Thoughts: Who is actually feuding here, Orton/Benjamin, or Orton/Edge? Or none? Or all three? Who are you people? How did I get into this nutshell?
-- SD Announcer: "Be a part of the most exciting show on broadcast television." We snicker at their delusion.
-- Vince, in a roomful of chicks, announces a Raw Diva Search. Because that worked so well last time.
-- Jay: "You should be using that money to make SmackDown better, Vince."
-- Todd takes us to a Kane/Amy/Matt recap package. Jay mutes it so he doesn't have to hear Amy EMOTE.
-- Then, returning, Todd is totally ignored by the flesh-and-blood Matt/Amy. (She sounds...SO stoned.)
-- Amy: "I realized that...I love you."
me: "That's fucking beautiful."
-- Kane hides in Amy's dressing room, and they EMOTE at each other in whispers, before Amy goes back out and leaves with Matt, presumably for Teh MAd Sex0r. However, I'll go out on a limb and say that Matt ain't gettin screwed in the *good* way.
-- Jay: "I know how this story's going to go. Amy's going to get pregnant, and Matt's going to think it's his baby, but it's *Kane's* baby!"
-- commercials
-- Eugene/Regal vs. Cade/Coach. THAT is a match.
-- Hunt/Dave outside. TFD looks bored out of his mind. Then they attack Stevie because OMG HE LOOKS LIEK SHAWN ELEVENTYONE. Or something.
-- La Res. Sign: "Tasty French Pastries". Heh.
-- Hurrosey. Jay: "It's the feud that will never die! I'm serious,
it's like Hardys vs. Edge and Christian --"
me: "Except boring."
-- Ticker 2.0. Advantage: EDGE!
-- See, this is why people can't leave the room and then expect me to tell
them what's going on --
me: "He did the thing."
Jay: "....What?"
me: "The thing. With the legs. The legdrop. With two.
Like the Hardys."
Jay: "...Yeah."
-- Sign: "Foley Orton is God"
-- Jay: "They're talking about Rosey making a difference. He's not *Rikishi*! Wrong Samoan!"
-- LR won. Pretend I can tell you how.
-- Back to Hunter, in the Parking Lot of Suspense. Suddenly, he is
blindsided, onto the hood of a car.
Jerry: "WHO IS THAT!"
Jay: "WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?"
-- Refs split up Hunter and Shawn, while Jay notes that they "compete to
see who can yell 'Come On' louder."
me: "I think one of the refs was laughing."
Jay: "I would be too!"
-- commercials
-- Moments Ago, Hunter and Shawn had a bitchfight. JR says they're literally beating the hell out of each other. I didn't think Shawn had any hell left *in* him.
-- Highlight Reel. Pyro goes off and Chris looks around in something like surprise. (Jay: "He's thinking, 'Why did they set off Kane's pyro for my show?'"
-- CJ reports that Jay (no, the other one) is still recovering Downtown in Chinatown. I actually had a joke in here somewhere about a happy ending massage parlor, but I'll let it go.
-- CJ: "Speaking of hot --" Then he intros Ort. (Wait, CJ/Ort? I AM SO CONFUSED.)
-- Jerry says that Randy is like a Greek God. DUDE. ORT =
ACHILLES!
...Okay, logically that doesn't work, but it was a thought that amused me.
-- You know, Randy is only like the second person I've seen (aside from CJ) that actually sits on the chair.
-- Ceej calls him Randal. He just looks confused.
-- I hate to say this...but Chris looks old next to Randy. (*hides*)
-- Ort says CJ has a big mouth. CJ's all, "Ooh, bitch, BURN! (*eye roll*)" Hee!
-- Anyway, this, like all Orton skits, winds up bringing out backup (in the form of TFD) to attack Ceej. Benj comes out to even things up.
-- Bisch comes out, yells (and looks hot), and
sets up Orton/Batista vs. Jericho/Benjamin apres...
-- commercials. Jay: "You know, I used to think that Carrot Top was the most annoying guy there was...William Hung's got him SO beat."
-- BOW AND ARROW ALERT! My love for Ceej is true like Veritaserum.
-- I swear Shelton just randomly did Spirit Fingers.
-- In the interest of full disclosure, Dave has started to scare me.
-- When TFD misses an elbow, Jay and I, in unison, yell, "He made a difference on the mat!". Which is apparently our new catchphrase.
-- Ort does a second or two of Mafia Style Shitkicking on Shel, and Jay yells,
"Oh, here comes some clubberin!"
me: "...Clubberin?"
Jay: "Uh-huh."
me: "You do realize that's not a real word."
Jay: "Yeah, Dusty Rhodes made it up."
-- Stuff happens, TFD tumbles outside, Ort goes to check on him (hey, you *could* see it that way, if you wanted), Ceej jumps them both, and...
-- commercials
-- During The Break, Trish came out. Now she's doing commentary, except in the way where she's not speaking. Especially to JR, because she holds him in *scorn*, yo.
-- Jay: "Trish, I love you, but if you're not going to talk, why put on a
pair of headphones?"
me: "...To hear?"
Jay: "Yeah, but she could be *ringside* being hot! ...That's what she should
do! She should join Evolution. She should be with Randy
Orton."
me: "...But..."
Jay: "They would be the new Barbie and Ken!"
me: "That is the truest thing I've ever heard."
-- That took a long time to write. Stuff presumably happened, because the match is over now.
-- Dude, CJ glomped Shelton. HOR.
-- Trish is still being Silent But Deadly. Then she yells at him a bit as he heads to the back, he's all, bitch please, and T2 sneak-attacks him and powerbombs him through the announce table. Dude, this angle is SHITE without the CJay factor.
-- commercials. Including a Kane/Benoit Bad Blood one. That's what this show needs, man. Where is our champ?
-- Holy shit, this has only been on for an hour and nine minutes.
-- Randomly, I have decided there should be a website that tallys up how many explosions there are in all the action movies. Feel free to let me know if such a thing exists.
-- JR and Jerry stand aimlessly at their newly-flat table, babbling, until Kane's pyro cuts them off.
-- Jay: "He's gonna cut a promo so dynamic that Chris Benoit's going to have to save it! And when Chris Benoit has to save a promo...you know you're in SHIT!"
-- Kane: "Chris Benoit...I envy you."
me: "Because you can wrestle?"
-- Oh, because he has a "normal" life. (See, that didn't even occur to me. I miss the good ol' days of Sociopath!Benoit.)
-- BischCave. Shawn yells about his stip (which is still unannounced), Bisch placates, Hunter ambushes, sending all three of them flying over a chair (and prompting Bisch to scream, "OH MY GOOOOOOOOD!" as they all fall). TEJ tries to break it up with much the same result, except that they wind up taking out the Gratuitous Chinese Screen in the process (now someone's gonna PAY!).
-- Refs arrive. Shawn slaps Hunter's ass (inadvertently, we think). A POed Bisch yells us to...
-- commercials
-- During The Break, Hunter and Shawn tackled each other, and the screen revealed a water fountain behind it. (It's still not as funny as that time Austin stormed into the men's room.)
-- Victoria has new music, and performs a Dance Routine!!!!1!!! for us. No, I am *not* kidding. We watch this with stoic concern, after which Jay offers, "I liked Tatu better."
-- Gail/Molly. Mol seems to have decided she likes the Steph wig best.
-- NewRef alert!
-- Jerry discusses the Diva Search, pointing out that they are not looking
for women wrestlers. Because, you know, God forbid they deepen the
talent pool.
Jay: "Jerry, you always need more female wrestlers. I mean, with quality
talent like Gail Kim?"
-- SDRebound: Tag Match of Doom. Then Eddie pulls a Shawn and COLLAPSES IN THE RING OMG (in slo-mo and black and white, no less). Everyone freaks out, even Bradshaw.
-- Bisch fumes to TEJ over the destruction of the BischCave. He wants TEJ to gather EVERYONE, to some nebulous end.
-- Bisch: "If the Triple H/Shawn Michaels ship is going down tonight, I am
*not* going down with it."
No comment.
-- commercials. Gene Simmons' Firestarter makes Baby Jesus cry. Among others.
-- Backstage, Bisch rallies the troops against Hunter/Shawn (just say no to H/S!). He threatens to fire anyone who doesn't help keep them apart. Hunter and Shawn, they're like Romeo and Juliet in a way.
-- Package of Coach, Eugene, and Rocky.
-- Todd tries to interview Eugene and Regal. This leads to Eugene doing Rocky impressions. TEJ shows up (representing TEH EBIL) and bars Regal from the match, pointing out that he wasn't actually reinstated.
-- Conscience!Regal: "I won't bloody well stand for it!"
TEJ: "You bloody *will* stand for it!"
-- Eugene is ordered to get a new partner in three minutes or fight it as a handicap match (dude, does it even count as a handicap when *Coach* is half the team?). Regal angsts some more. My love for Angsty!Regal is true. I mean, not in the same way that my love is *usually* true, but it is nonetheless.
-- commercials
-- As expected, Chris Benoit shows up to be Eugene's partner. He flashes
his belts at C+C Music Factory (I'm telling you...FIXATION),
and Eugene runs happily around the ring with said belts.
-- Coach's shorts say COACH on his ass. WHY.
-- JR: "Rock is a good human being."
me: "Since when? Wait. No. (*slaps own hand*)"
-- Coach gets the shit beat out of him by Benny. DUDE. He took the GERMANS for God's sake. An announcer. That's sick.
-- Ben helps Eugene do the Flying Headbutt. He nearly gets concussed, but they win and that's the important part, I guess.
-- Evo powwow. Shawn attacks. Everyone intervenes.
-- Hunter: "I'm gonna finish this! Let me go! MICHAELS!
MICHAELLLLLLLLS!"
Jay: "STELLLLAAAAAA! ... HECTOOOOOOR! ... FRODOOOOOOO!"
me: "MENDOZAAAAAAAAAA!"
Jay: "GRANDPAAAAAAA!"
me: "We can't use 'KHAAAAAAAN!' ...it's been done."
Jay (sagely): "Yes."
-- commercials
-- Trips and his ripped shirt come to the ring. He proclaims he's "done" with Shawn, and calls him out. Shawn comes. They trade. Evo interferes. Shawn fights back. Edge/Ben help. Trips looks stupid. Guys start showing up to break it up. It doesn't work. Bisch brings out more. Chaos reigns.
-- Bisch announces that the stip is Hell in a Cell, which we totally knew was coming. And then they end at 11:02. Actually *conserving* time for once? What is the Fed coming to???