Raw, 6/7/04
(the most half-assed recap ever. I'm so, so sorry.)
-- Hey, it's Albany! NY represent!!!
-- Stacy comes out, in pink, polka dot, *and* a poodle.
-- Sign: "Where is Shane-O?" I know how you feel, man.
-- Stacy reminds Diva-bes everywhere that tomorrow's the deadline for the contest, then gratuitously enters and exits the ring on the pretense of "teaching" them about having a good entrance.
-- In the meantime, they announce that tonight, we will be seeing Lita vs. Gail Kim. OMGWHY.
-- Gail comes out and jaws at Stacy. This segues into the above match. Stacy's all, "Uh, I care why?"
-- Sign: "We Wuv Eugene"
-- JR: "[Gail] using that ring post as an ally." And here I thought she was using it as a weapon.
-- Jay can't take the FUCKING TECHNICAL WRESTLING (TM) of this match...he checks hockey instead.
-- Amy kicks up on an "injured" leg.
me: "Idiot."
Jay: "But at least she sold it!"
-- Amy does another DDT of Death, which never ceases to terrify.
-- Jerry: "It's like upsetting Smarty Jones!"
Jay (outraged): "You can't compare Gail Kim to Smarty Jones!"
me: "That's animal cruelty!"
-- BischCave. TEJ smolders at Eric in the background, while Bisch makes Coach v. Eugene at Bad Blood. TEJ pulls a Coach (that is, he unwisely laughs at someone else's predicament), and Bisch books *him* against Eugene for tonight. If he loses, "like Donald Trump's Apprentices", he'll be FIRED. (Not in a cool way, though, like if Vince were doing it.) TEJ pouts.
-- commercials
-- Cool Color of the Night (what the hell is that supposed to mean?): Randy and his abs try to ditch Shelton, who isn't having it.
-- TFD and Flair. TFD poses, all pointy-footed and...kinda fey.
-- Benj. Jay leaves to go play drums. I hope this doesn't reflect on Benj.
-- Someone in the front has an illegibly light sign. When your sign can't be read from *that* close, you know you're doing something wrong.
-- Dave does something, poses, and yells, "YAAAAAA!" Before realizing it, I yell back, "GEEK!"
-- I just want to point out that Shelton just did the Stinger Splash.
-- Ooh, Randy! Finally, something worth watching.
-- Sign: "Bollywood Rules" Okay. That's...random.
-- Sign: "Randy, I'll Pay To Play" (heh)
-- Jay: "Why are all the #1 contenders losing tonight?"
-- Evo beats down Benj. Some chick yells, "WOOOO, RANDY!" right into the speaker.
-- commercials. That girl was crying Gatorade. She really should have that checked out.
-- Moments Ago, a geeky freeze of Ort smacked Shelton with the belt. During The Break, Benj was carried to the back.
-- Benoit/Edge backstage. They bitch at each other. Adam, you bitchy little bitch.
-- Coach barges in, announces Benoit vs. La Resistance. Adam smirks when he's given the night off, BTW. He is *such* a heel trapped in a face's body.
-- Rocky at the MTV Movie Awards. From the 10 seconds we see, they gave him shitty, shitty banter.
-- BischCave. Bisch signs off a cell call in order to book CJ vs. T2 for Bad Blood. He also says CJ's going to fight tonight. Trish tries to get booked against Victoria, but Kane busts in. Bisch evicts Trish and T2 (hereby collectively known as T3), with a door slam.
-- commercials
-- CJ. Taped ribs. I have nothing illuminating to say about him, other than, "oh no, facial hair". (Because I've been through enough with him to panic *early*, you see.)
-- Sign: "Raw is Jerico". WHY. Why must people make signs for performers whose names they CAN'T SPELL.
-- ...Hey, Albert still works there.
-- According to some sign, CJ loves something, but I can't see what.
-- Ticker of Doom, which is to be expected. Lord knows *I* don't have anything to say about this match.
-- SDRebound: Bikini contest (the concept of which Sable apparently doesn't comprehend, as she looks to be wearing a one-piece), judged by...Jamie Noble??? Bradshaw decides that SmackDown needs more cowbell. Paul E tries to talk to Mark, and Bearer is abducted.
-- Trips in a suit. I stop paying attention. No, really. Not *because* of Hunter, but because I just got a phone call.
-- commercials
-- Okay, I'm going to try to continue recapping even though I'm still not
paying attention. So *this* should be shitty good.
-- HHH's got a Skybox and a waitress. He's got no confessions.
He's got no conscience. He takes lives.
-- Jerry is wearing something that looks like a jailbird suit.
-- They show the Hunter/Shawn promo vid *again*. Lazy.
-- Hunter's waitress looks like Alicia Silverstone circa Cryin'.
-- commercials
-- I just totally missed the clip. Oh well.
-- LaRes. One sings "Oh Canada" badly. Really. Really.
Badly.
(Hell, I'm offended, and I'm not even from there.)
-- Benny comes out shaking his head. Shot of the Skybox, where TFD and Ric have joined Trips. TFD looks like he's doing his impression of The Thinker.
-- Adam comes out, spears LaRes, and hovers over Benoit protectively. Bisch yells something, and all I catch is "La Restastance" [sic...sometimes my notes are just *odd*].
-- commercials
-- Skybox. Today is a thin day for Trips.
-- Moments Ago, Kane bitchslapped Benny.
-- JR: "Speaking of Divas..." Coach comes out to guest-commentate. Hee!
-- Eugene and Regal enter, followed by TEJ and his old-school music.
-- Even were I to be paying attention, I still wouldn't have anything to say about this match.
-- Oh no, poor TEJ is fired. Alas. (*tries to work up strong feelings about this either way*)
-- Coach talks trash at Eugene, who hops onto the announce platform. Coach topples over backwards. Least impressive bump ever.
-- commercials
-- TFD macks on the waitress. HOR.
-- Benny's wizpic stops moving in the worst possible spot. He looks like a stoned pig.
-- Backstage, Ames chats with Matt. Kane shows up and says he got Amy into the Bad Blood title match (which I forgot to mention, is now a four-way or something). Um. Aw?
-- To the ring comes Captain
Hotass Randy Orton. The Skybox gives him a
standing o.
-- commercials
-- Dave and his towel smolder, while Hunter is *still* clapping. I assume this means that Ort cut a dynamic promo during commercials.
-- Jerry (re: Shawn): "He's gonna need divine intervention to save him on Sunday." Well, if anyone's got that in the bag, it's Shawn Michaels.
-- JR: "Shawn Michaels does not make too many mistakes, I'll tell you." Um...no comment.
-- Jay checks to see if I'm still recapping. As he does so, I am in fact absentmindedly drawing a tornado on the top of my page. So, yeah. I'm *so* on the ball.
-- Apparently Hunter's inviting Shawn to his Skybox for a diet soda. Or something.
-- I forgot I was recapping. I am Teh Suck.
-- TFD comes down to the ring to ogle cheer
on back up Randy.
-- JR just said something about The Passion of Shawn Michaels, and Jay and I feel it's important that you know that.
-- TFD interferes, Shawn flips out and starts hitting people with a chair, and Hunter looks threatening. Shawn heads into the crowd, climbs *into* the box (note that the glass has helpfully been pulled aside for him) and beats up Trips. And that's all we got. I think.
