Raw, 6/21/04
(where Jay is an evil Nostradamus, your shallow host is forced to choose
sides, and *Eugene* is in the flipping main event.)
-- Recap of Trips snowing Eugene (insert fish-in-a-barrel comment....now).
Trips: "I'm the biggest wrestler you know."
me: "Yeah, weight-wise."
-- Welcome to Miami (I was going to say so in Spanish a la Will Smith, but I can only take *so* much language mangled from lack of a character map). Tonight, we get the inevitable five-star classic that is Trips vs. Eugene, as well as an update on Shawn.
-- Out comes Rocky, because they've realized that we all knew it was coming, and otherwise, we would have waited the whole show thinking, "So when is Rocky coming out?". JR, on the other hand, has the nerve to sound shocked.
-- I don't know if I've ever seen a wifebeater that *covers* so much. Doesn't that defeat the purpose?
-- Sign: "My cat is watching at home on TV"
-- Rocky points out his fam in the front row, including Dany. (Rocky: "Look at The Rock's fine-ass wife!") Dany shakes her head, smiles, and tries to look like she doesn't want to hurt him. He proceeds to roast some football players, as long as he's just rambling anyway.
-- He calls out Eugene (saying he's going to play some Bob Barker...heh), but no dice.
-- OMG SUIT!RANDY. DUDE.
-- According to Ort, Trips is going to bring Eugene *personally* to the arena. Oh yeah.
-- Randy wants to bond with Rocky...okay, actually, he wants to outtalk him. This should be good.
-- Rocky's head looks weirdly-shaped. Come to think of it, maybe it's just that everyone looks bad next to Randy Orton.
-- Rocky pulls out the 15000 people line, then plays the "my dad can beat up your dad, and, oh yeah, the same thing goes for our granddads too" card.
-- Jerry (wise): "The Rock's got Randy Orton's tongue."
me: "Zuh?"
-- Rocky reminisces about some long-ago backstage encounter with Randy and a My Little Pony. (Heh.) He also babbles something that's nearly English.
-- Sign: "Today's my birthday, Randy, pin me". I support that sentiment.
-- Rocky wants to fight, but Ort's all, "Um, no." Rocky cares not! We get a shorted-out mic, and Rocky bitchslaps Ort.
-- Bisch, in an interesting khaki suit, intervenes, and sics security on Rocky, who takes the mic with him. He then commentates his way up the ramp (sounding out of breath...damn, apparently movie stars know nothing about conditioning).
-- Making his way through the backstage area, Rocky hits on Trish, mocks T2, pulls off Molly's hair, shouts out to Hurrosey, and messes with Coach (that last part being pretty entertaining).
-- Ort's all, "Dude, will someone kill that mic already?" and Rocky's all, "Hey, look behind you, bitch". Adam spears Randy, looks crazy, and then looks PRETTY.
-- commercials
-- BischCave. Bisch posts security around the building to keep Rocky
out, and gets a visit from Benny. Benoit tries to save Eugene from
Trips, which goes as well as you'd imagine. Eric's all, "You ain't
on the schedule, keep in line, HO." Benny leaves, in thought. Bisch
smirks hotly evilly.
-- Trish (w/ T2) vs. Vicky. Victoria, instead of dancing, now pulls off an ugly top-suit stripper-style.
-- On the plus side, Trish and Victoria are wrestling again. (Which doesn't stop them from throwing up the Ticker of Doom.)
-- Jerry: "I just like *blonds*. They just...get dirty quicker."
-- Trish mocks Vic's random shaking fit. Heh.
-- Jay: "Main Event Spinebuster!!!" (See, more proof that Trish is the Trips of the Women's Division, only less evil, and a couple hundred pounds lighter.)
-- That is the biggest "2" sign ever.
-- Victoria kicks Trish in the head, then lands a moonsault right across her chest. Trish is all, "Fuck that", and promptly cheats to win.
-- A dude in drag (Stevie?) comes out and throws his shoes at T3. Um. Kay.
-- Diva Search package. Many celeb lookalikes. This is all my notes say on the matter, however (because dude, it's fucking DIVA SEARCH), so I can't tell you who specifically they looked like.
-- Recap. Shawn gasps and bleeds.
JR: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is how we started Raw last week."
me: "Well, this *specifically* isn't how we started."
Jay: "Yeah, they opened the show with Shawn bleeding from the mouth."
-- Oh, anyway, the gist is that Shawn is supposedly hurt EVEN WORSE THAN THEY THOUGHT OMG, which is basically their way of saying, "Yeah, he might come back when the new kid's popped out. Eventually. Maybe."
-- commercials
-- Ooooooh, tonight we get Jericho/Edge vs. Orton/Batista. Too much luv for one ring!!!
-- More Trips/Eugene hype. Jerry: "Two best friends going
at it."
Jay: "Good Friends -- Better Enemies!"
(TM)
-- Package of Kane beating down Shawn. As a sidenote, they keep in the shot of Hunter looking down at Shawn in dismay before he remembers that he's Trips and isn't supposed to do things like that.
-- BischCave. GLASSES!BISCH is accosted by Regal, who begs him to keep Eugene from fighting "Triple Hach". (Look, I can't figure out how to spell it, okay, but it's *way* too much fun to say.)
-- Eric spills his evil scheme. Regal admits that, despite being a "dirty rotten scoundrel", he "love[s] the boy". Awww.
-- Regal: "You should be ashamed of
yourself."
Bisch: "Yeah, well, I'm not."
(*snicker*)
-- Bisch reinstates Regal and says that his match is next. Regal looks conflicted.
-- commercials
-- Regal, still in his regular clothes, has to fight
Kane.
JR: "Is this punishment for William Regal?"
me: "Gee, you think?"
-- Kane basically knocks Regal out before the match can even get into the ring. On the plus side, Regal at least gets a couple of hits in. Heh.
-- Apparently our patience was so tested by this EPIC STRUGGLE that we're rewarded with...
-- more commercials. Whew, good thing, the bladder just couldn't take that PUNISHMENT.
-- Moments Ago, Kane served Regal like tea.
-- BischCave. Eric looks a little disturbed, but he's not one to let something like that stand in his way. Kane says, (in response to what, I couldn't be arsed to remember), "One way or another, you ain't seen nothing yet." Bisch actually stutters at him in fear.
-- More Diva Search. One of them's cute.
-- Ortista come out, in their golden shower
of pyro.
-- ...DUDE. How did it take me this long to refer to them as Ortista? I mean, just the way it rolls off the tongue!!! I'm so ashamed of myself.
-- Ortista.
-- Er, anyway, enter BCSes. Ceej needs a new hairdresser. I'm just sayin.
-- I, on the other hand, need caps of Adam. Many caps of Adam.
-- Ticker 2.0: Amy on the mag, Eddie/Cena on Byte This, Bush and Kerry "respond to WWE" (huh?), and Deeeeevas in NYC.
-- I don't care what JR says, "gutty" is not a word.
-- TFD and his CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL HADES actually KNOCK
JERICHO OUT.
-- I *WILL* FUCK YOU UP, DAVE. DON'T DOUBT ME.
-- commercials
-- Oh, *good* idea. They brought Ceej to the back, and Adam decided to finish the match alone. See, BCSes, God love 'em...not all that bright.
-- Meanwhile, we are arguing whether or not CJ is really hurt [he wasn't], and if he was, whether or not the match would continue.
-- Well, anyway. Adam is good people.
-- DUDE. TFD can't get over the rope when Ad tries to trip him over it, and finally has to *use Adam as a step* to get over. That is the saddest fucking thing.
-- Now Adam is BLEEDING. Dazed and BLEEDING.
-- SERIOUSLY, DAVE. I WILL *FIND* YOU.
-- Randy puts me out of my misery with an RKO on Adam. Thank you, Randall. I knew there was a reason I liked you best. And not just because you're so freakishly sexy.
-- Deeeeeva Search. Bikinis.
Rah.
Jerry: "We're going to find out the select few that made it out of
Chicago."
me: "....ALIVE."
I make my own fun.
-- Smackdown Your Vote: Maven, Victoria, and Hurri again. I suddenly feel compelled to go a nearby SYV rally (if they do one), despite already being registered to vote and having been so for several years.
-- commercials
-- Backstage, Stacy is here to continue exposition on the Matt/Amy/Kane angle. She talks a mile a minute. Matt flashes a ring. Eek.
-- SDRebound: Bradshaw whines about his shitty week. Eddie brings COWBELL. Paul E decides to kill Paul Bearer on Pay Per View (presumably to become the sole Paul on SmackDown...THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE). Taker beats up the faces for Bearer's safety.
-- Limo. Eugene, Hunter, and Ric exit. Geek!Trips tells Eugene, "You're gonna get to dress...IN EVOLUTION'S LOCKER ROOM!" (It's all in the delivery.) Eugene runs off gleefully, Ric and Hunter plot, sorta.
-- ...I love Geek!Trips.
-- commercials. Lenny's hair looks terrible in that Target ad, yo.
-- Matt Fact: Matt has been ecstatic for the past week.
-- This angle is like waiting for a car to crash. A car full of clowns.
-- Also, that is the fakest ring to ever exist.
-- Kane, of course, pops up on the 'Tron, all, "Bitch, you ain't that baby's daddy!" Matt wibbles. Amy cries. I can't stop laughing.
-- You know that saying, that when you sleep with someone, you're also sleeping with everyone that person has ever slept with? ...From the look on his face, I suspect Matt just thought of that.
-- commercials. Jay is disappointed this didn't come out at the wedding, but we all agree that it's for the best to *not* drag this out if at all possible.
-- Matt/Amy backstage. Amy EMOTES, and says the baby *might* be Matt's. This does not comfort him. Amy sinks to the ground from TEH WEIGHT OF ALL TEH ANGST.
-- More Diva Search. Judging from this package, I bet I know who's going to win. I just can't bring myself to care.
-- Evo's room. (You know, they need a quasi-clever place name as well...eh.) Eugene asks for Regal. WAH. Eric shows up to wish him luck. Hunter yells at him that Eugene is "WITH EVOLUTION NOW" and we snicker. Then Eug leaves and the assembled axis of evil cracks up. Nothing beats Evil Laughing in unison. (Except perhaps the Ortista.)
-- commercials
-- Sting of the Night: Trips and Eugene take a picture.
-- Eug. Jay and I have decided that his theme music is a ripoff of that song "Obsession".
-- Trips. He lets Eugene do The Spit with him. Heh.
-- JR: "Emulating everything his favorite wrestler does." This leads
me to think, "OMG HE IS A PSA."
I mean, think about it...the folly of imitating wrestlers...just say no,
kids! (Or, as they keep telling you, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T TRY
THIS AT HOME!!!1!!11!!!!1!")
-- In the interest of full disclosure, I ran out on this match for a bit, because my dad told me that Mike Erwin was on CSI: Miami, and I was overwhelmed by "OMG COLIN!!!"
-- Jay says, though, that all I missed was a test of strength -- "and apparently, Eugene is, like, way too strong."
-- commercials
-- Oh, lord...I just realized that this probably counts as FUCKING TECHNICAL WRESTLING (TM).
-- Hunter tries to guilt trip Eugene into laying off the offense, and cheapshots him.
-- Trips would be *extremely* evil-hot right now, if not for, you know, the cellulite. Ah well. He's close.
-- Eugene does the Rock Bottom and People's Elbow, before strutting like Flair, which is about as much as Ric can take.
-- Out comes Bisch. The worm turns on Trips, saying he won't give Trips the title shot unless Eugene is *destroyed*. Bitch, please, like Hunter would *ever* have a problem with a mandate like that.
-- Benny to the rescue, taking the chair and chasing off Evo. (It seems I haven't forgiven Dave, because I yell at Benoit, "CHRIS! HIT HIM AGAIN BEFORE HE GETS AWAY!!!")
-- Benoit, of course, misses Trips and hits Eugene,
knocking him out...
me: "You know, if this was a *real* soap...he'd wake up
superintelligent!"