Raw, 6/28/04
(where I can't come up with a clever subtitle 'cause it's really just more of the same.)

-- They open by celebrating some awards they've apparently won for business.
Jay: "This is their way of saying, 'RESPECT US, DAMMIT!'"

-- World.  Attitude.  Bisch.

-- Recap of HHH vs. Eugene, accompanied by an EVIL FLUTE.  Speaking of Evil, Bisch orders decimation.  Then Benoit hurts while he helps.  Oops.

-- JR has to interview Kane tonight.  Jerry gleefully reminds us that last time, Kane set JR on fire.  Heh.

-- Enter Evo.  JR: "How can Triple H live with himself?"
Jay: "Oh, please, he's done *way* worse things than that!"

-- Trips babbles.  In the background, Ort stands on his tiptoes and raises an eyebrow at TFD, who smirks.

-- Hunter calls out Eugene, who looks cautious and has a smiley face drawn on his head bandage.  Hee.

-- He then tells Eugene bad things about Benoit, calling him "nothing but a big jerk! ...That's right, I said the J word!"  I giggle.  Ortista ham up their reaction shots.

-- Trips wants to make Eugene an honorary Evolution member, and this is probably too much for them to go along with, as Randy and Dave give each other a "What the shit?" look.

-- Regal comes out, all, "Poppycock!", and Trips is all, "HOR!", and now Eugene doesn't trust Regal and WOE TEH ANGST.

-- Uncle Eric comes out looking hot, and books Regal v. Hunter (to get them to stop pressuring Eug), with the nephew himself as guest referee.  Oh, *that* should be good.  Eugene is conflicted.  Dave ruffles Eug's hair; Randy just kinda flicks it.  (*snicker*)

-- Next up: CJ/Adam vs. Ortista -- rematch, bay-bay!!!

-- commercials

-- Rewind: OH MY GOD, DAVE KILLED CJ!  YOU BASTARD!

-- Oh, Adam didn't jaw at the crowd when he came out.  It's *on*.

-- This ring is a Cornucopia of Love!

-- They are all so HOTT that the fire alarm is going off.  ...No, really, the fire alarm is going off.
Jerry:  "Are you sure it's not foreshadowing?  You *do* have to interview Kane later..."

-- The crowd starts chanting "Y2J" in time with the alarm.  Hee!

-- Sign: "Kane is my freakin dad"

-- Everyone out of the ring!  You know what that means...

-- commercials

-- Nothing particular to say about the match, actually.  We're discussing the chick who flashed Randy last night.  Dammit, why haven't I ever thought of that???

-- Jay: "It's a Canadian Gangbang on Randy Orton!"

-- Dude, Dave's *hair* is messed-up.  No longer gelled to perfection!

-- R/D take turns trying to impale Edge with their boots (according to Jay).  Like something out of Celebrity Deathmatch, yo.

-- Sign: "I want a Jeritron 5000"

-- Jay yells at Ceej for not selling the concussion at the house show: "Where's the continuity, Chris?!"

-- TFD accidentally clocks Ort, CJ goes for the WoJ (which doesn't work as usual), Ad spears TFD, Lionsault, and woo!

-- CJ rolls out of the ring and steals someone's water.  Adam yells at an unconscious Randy for a bit, and then everyone looks around like, "Where the fuck did Chris go?"  Heh.

-- Recap of Matt/Amy/Kane.  Scarred psychopaths and the women who are blackmailed into sleeping with them: tonight, on Jerry Springer.

-- commercials

-- Backstage, Ric steals Hunter's pants, and questions the addition of Eugene to The Mafia:  "My God, it'll kill our gimmick!"  (*snicker*)

-- Hunter refers to the title as the only thing that means anything in his life.  Which actually explains a lot about his character, when you think about it.

-- Diva Search.  Dude, it helps when your bikini is the right size for your FAKE BOOBS.
...Then again, maybe not.
Jay:  "Let's hope they hire one who knows how to cry."

-- Speaking of which!  Amy sobs at Stacy for a bit.  Dude, I hope Stacy just snaps one day out of frustration at being everyone's expository device.

-- Cops surround the ring and JR heads down to meet his doom.  Jay and I do the obligatory dance to his music (which must in fact be seen to be believed).

-- commercials

-- Jerry reminds us *again* of Charred!JR, because we're all *idiots*.

-- Kane: "When I get angry, bad things happen."  Make your own joke.  It'll be funnier than mine.

-- Kane says that he wants an offspring that he can "mold" to "continue [his] legacy".  (Yep, being scarred, torturing your family, screwing dead cheerleaders...by God, some traditions should stay alive.)  He also says he took every precaution to *get* Lita pregnant.  Um.  How?  I mean, if that's your goal, anything that you do can't really qualify as a "precaution", can it?
(Also -- mashed-up fertility pills in with the crack supply, man.  That has to be it.)

-- JR brings up Matt, who jumps out of the crowd and onto Kane.  Bisch comes out and has Matt thrown out of the building to preserve the main event.  He looks good tonight, man.

-- Pretend I was talking about Matty.

-- Bisch then says that Benoit can only win the match by submission, while Kane can win any way he damn well pleases.  Bisch *fears* Kane, yo.

-- commercials

-- Lilian: "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your special guest referee --"
Jay: "Emphasis on 'special'."

-- Eugene marks out for Hunter's entrance.  But, you know, he's a perfectly fair and unbiased official.  Yup.

-- Well, at least he knows enough to check them for weapons.  Hee!

-- me (re: Hunner): "He, like, missed with The Knee."
Jay: "But look at Regal selling it like a champ!"

-- Flair throws Hunt brass knuckles, Regal gets them away from him, and Eugene turns around in time to call a DQ before Regal even uses them.  (DAMMIT I WANTED THE POWER OF THE PUNCH.)  Hunter clocks them from behind, Eugene thinks Regal did it, and he goes ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NUTS and beats up Regal.  Hunter looks *so* proud that it makes me giggle.

-- commercials.  me (rather slaphappy):  "Kane knows a thing or two about RE-GI-NA!"
Jay:  "What does that even *mean*?"
me:  "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"

-- Slam of the Week: Kane fights out of the Crossface (which would imply that Benny's fucked).

-- LaRes.  Sign: "Binghamton NY Sucks!"  Well *that's* random.

-- Conway mocks "the 4th of JU-ly!", which of course leads into Slyvain singing badly.  This in turn brings out Rhyno and The Sarge.  Poor Rhyno.

-- Jay and I discuss Crazy!Rhyno and how we miss him, and I manage to completely miss Ticker 2.0 as it pops up on the screen.

-- JR: "Triple H is a *user*!"  I resist the urge to reply, "But I thought he *quit* the 'roids!"

-- me (re: LR): "See, Jay, that's how you can tell a *real* tag team -- they have a TANDEM FINISHER."
Jay: "Yeah, too bad they bore the crap out of me."

-- Oh, they won, by the way.  JR: "This is some sad irony."

-- commercials

-- Backstage, Trips pets Eugene and says it's okay to feel angry.  Really, I shouldn't find Whispering, Growling, Evil!Hunner as attractive as I do.  It's just that voice.

-- Sign: "DOOM".  Best Sign Ever!

-- More Diva Search.  Dude, they kept some trashy-ass bitches, man.

-- Ric in the BischCave:  "Coach!  My largest brutha!"

-- Bisch is apparently taking a vacation (NOOO ERIC DON'T LEAVE ME).  He assigns an Interim GM who'll make "sound, rational decisions" -- Eugene, naturally.

-- I'm sorry, whenever anyone says "Chris Benoit is FO' REAL" I crack up.  That's one catchphrase that's never getting over with me.

-- commercials

-- SDRebound: Cowbell match in stills.  Eddie wins, but Bradshaw *technically* wins, and Kurt of course gives it to the latter.  Meanwhile, Mark's all, "YOU BITCHEZ DON'T OWN ME!" and kills Paul Bearer before anyone else gets the chance.

-- Oh, at some point, I believe Lilian dipped her hair in Kool Aid.  Just so you know.

-- There's a match.  Jay and I argue about Canadians and falls.  I have no idea what this note is supposed to mean.

-- commercials
Spider-Man Game Commercial: "This time, he can go anywhere you want."
Jay: "He can go to Madison Square Garden?  He can go to CBGBs???"
me: "If he can go to CBGBs, hell, *I'll* buy the game."

-- Pondering the implications of tonight's main event, and its notably stacked deck:
me: "So, if Kane doesn't win, does that make him a complete fuckup?"
Jay: "It makes him a complete *pussy*."

-- JR (in the middle of our conversation, to Jerry): "WILL YOU SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE ABOUT KANE?  YOU'RE NOT IN THE PTA!!!"
me: ".....What?"
Jerry: ".......PTA?"

-- commercials.  You know, I really have to stop responding to all the Lugz commercials by yelling, "Number one in the hood, G!"

-- JR: "Kane, a big physical athlete."  ...As opposed to what exactly?

-- Benoit hits The Germans and Flying Headbutt on Kane and goes for a pin, because apparently he has developed short-term memory loss.

-- That's okay, he still makes Kane tap because he is OUR KING.

-- Kane goes for Benoit, and Lita comes out smiling.  (Her hair looks nice.)  She hands Kane the belt, then low-blows him and tries to hit him with it.  He nearly chokeslams her, then remembers, in light of his last interview, why that might not be such a stunning strategic maneuver.

-- me: "She should just kick his ass every week and he, like, can't do anything about it.  That would be the best angle ever."

-- Anyway, Kane threatens Amy, and Benoit clocks Kane with the belt.  However, best possible way to wrap up this show:
Sign:  "Kane Fears Condoms"

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