Raw, 7/12/04
(where Benoit proves he's not all fluffy just because he's a face, Hurri
has a shitty birthday, and Jericho carries the show.)
-- Came in late, and I'm told I missed an Evo/Eugene skitlet. Darn.
-- Sign: "Raw Roulette every week". Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
-- Tonight on the Highlight Reel: Lita...and Kane! All right, we may get chair-throwing yet!
-- Mmm, Adam. *New IC Champ* Adam, to be specific. He does a happy little boingy-boingy.
-- He's fighting TFD, out to take vengeance for Randy. Heh. Vengeance. It's like an extremely lazy pun. So lazy I'm not sure it even qualifies as a pun.
-- JR (re: Dave): "All those tattoos; he should have one that says 'Beware of animal.'" ...Um?
-- I like Dave's growing-out hair. I'm not sure why.
-- Adam looks v. pretty tonight. Pretty enough that it makes me want to write more Soap.
-- Jerry says that TFD's "gonna rearrange that face so it won't be so *pretty*." See? Even Jerry admits it!
-- Dave needs to learn how to fall out of the ring. Seriously.
-- Randy alert! He comes out, so SEXAY that we go right to...
-- commercials
-- During The Break, Ort tripped Edge and got thrown out. *Already?* Dammit!
-- See, I blame the FCC...they must have decided he was Too Hot For Broadcast (TM).
-- Awww, Dave fights with his ring on. I never noticed that before.
That's cute.
Oh, sorry, I'll go back into fantasy world now, where I don't notice he's
wearing it. La la la la la.
...Hey, I have a reputation to maintain here, people.
-- TFD: "Who's the man?"
Jay: "Oh no, Vader's gonna come after him now."
-- Jerry: "There's no crying in Evolution!" That needs to be ficced.
-- There's an *illustrated* 2 sign. I bow to their superior sign skills.
-- Some white-shirted dude in the crowd just shook it for the camera. It was a thing of beauty.
-- Oh, in the match, missed Spear into a Spinebuster of Destrucity.
-- Adam just cheated to win. Ha! I love it when faces do that. (See, more evidence for my "heel trapped in a face's body" theory.) Adam is ecstatic. Dave is shocked. JR is strangely reticent.
-- Eugene fearfully knocks on the door of the BischCave. Upon entrance, Eric gives him the dirtiest look ever. Heh.
-- Then, however, Bisch pretends to be human, and compliments Eugene, saying he's on his side in the whole Smacking-Trips flap. I'm sure this is all part of a scheme, though.
-- Continuing the snowjob, he gives Eugene a title shot. Eug hugs him lots. Bisch looks uncomfortable.
-- Bisch: "It's going to be a very special night for a very...special...person." He looks evil. I giggle.
-- commercials
-- Jerry is going to introduce us to three of the Diva Search contestants. Oh, JOY.
-- Jerry: "This is the part of the program we've all been waiting for
--"
Jay: "Oh, fuck you, Jerry, I'm going for a drink."
-- Our first Divabee is wearing a dress cut to Mexico, and King, admirably, does not noticeably stare at her boobs.
-- Jerry: "Gene Simmons has sent me fan mail about my tongue."
me: "You know, Gene Simmons invented tongues."
-- Todd interviews Flair. Ric's all, goddammit, I hate all you bitches.
(Hey, I think he may have finally cracked.)
Flair: "There's always another freak showing up --"
-- Enter Hurrishane, of course. (*snicker*) He wants Ric to sign his book. For some reason this causes Flair to go totally fucking nuts, and he basically tells Shane he's wasting his life.
-- Shane's all, that's okay, dude, your book blows anyway.
Hurri: "The Rock's book was better...Hulk Hogan's book was better...you know,
*Chyna* --"
and I don't hear the rest of the sentence because I crack up. Dude,
Chyna book mentions...always funny.
-- Anyway, he's all, BITCH, YOU AIN'T NO MICK FOLEY, and Flair's all, I KEEL YOU, HOR!
-- Jay: "Awww, isn't that nice, he's gonna get his ass handed to him by Ric Flair on his birthday."
-- commercials
-- LaRes. Jay automatically mutes the telly, but it turns out we don't need it this week.
-- Poor Rhyno. ...I'll be back.
-- Hey, wait, I was just thinking. Diva Search is totally rigged. I mean, they're showing three contestants tonight, and let's say they show three more on SmackDown...that still leaves four contestants that get less exposure, and thus probably less votes...IT'S A CONSPIRACY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-- Hey, wait, the match just ended. ...I didn't even get to leave. Dammit! Oh, Tajiri helped Rhyno win. Hmm. Bully for him.
-- commercials
-- Slam of the Week: Maven saves Nidia from Tyson. (Dude, when did this even *happen*?)
-- Tyson and Trish come out. (See, that's why I abbreviate it T3...much less writing.)
-- Thanks to Jay for the above. Anyway. Nidia's outfit is trashtastic.
-- Jay: "It's the two winners from Tough Enough!"
me: "That's just beautiful."
-- Jerry: "I'm gonna tell you right now who's going to win...the bald-headed
guy."
And here people try to say Lawler does *not* call matches like I do.
-- Sign: "Trish is Christian's Little Bitch"
-- Backstage, Regal pleads Eugene's case with Benny. Benoit's all, sure, I like Eugene, but DAMMIT IT'S MY BELT AND YOU WHORES CAN'T HAVE IT BACK.
-- Highlight Reel promo pic. Jay points out that Ceej, Kane, and Amy all have similar wizpic end-poses.
-- Jay: "When Trish and Tyson came out, they used Christian's music, and I was all, 'Hey, Christian's back!', until I saw the Titan Tron. Dammit, they screwed with my head!"
-- commercials
-- Rewind: Matt/Amy. Matt's all, GO AWAY...for your own good. Amy angsts as usual, but at least I don't think she cried this time. I wasn't really paying attention.
-- Ceej! In his Jiffy Pop shirt.
-- CJ: "WELCOME TO THE HIGHLIGHT REEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
me: "Well, he's certainly turned it up to 11."
-- He talks about how last week was the apex of his career..."I became Raw Musical Chairs Champion!" (*giggles helplessly*) Then he adds, "You should see what I can do with Pin The Tail On The Donkey."
-- Then he continues on to the task at hand, explaining, "If you have deep personal problems, you don't solve them one-on-one, in private...you solve them out here, on the Highlight Reel, in front of millions of people!" Hee! True enough.
-- Kane comes out first.
Kane: "(unintelligable mumble)"
me (yelling at screen): "WHAT?" Eventually, I will remember that
the production team can't hear me.
-- Kane (to Amy): "Bad things happen when I get angry." You know, he *totally* wanted to say "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry", but they were afraid Stan Lee would *sue* his ass.
-- Amy steals the mic right out of his hand, and is all, OMG I HATE YOU GODDAMMIT. IF YOU MESS WITH ME I WILL KICK YOUR SCARRED ASS.
-- See, and what this proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that you just plain don't fuck with a pregnant woman.
-- Kane: "I have the power to create life...and I have the power to END
IT."
me: "Like you did to Katie Vick!" (It's the joke he will never live
down. Thank you, drive through.)
-- Jerry: "You know what Lita just did, don't you? She punked him out!"
(-- Added to this, Jay, walking past as I'm typing this: "You know what Lita basically said in that skit..."Bitch, you ain't mah baby's daddy!")
-- Kane tosses CJ out of the ring and starts pulling apart the HLR set. FINALLY! FLYING CHAIRS! It really *is* Springer-worthy! (*sniffles proudly*)
-- Kane storms off, and CJ climbs back into the ring, yelling after him like
the glutton for punishment that he truly is, starting with the fact that
Kane's leaving "prematurely":
"Oh, but I hear you do a lot of things prematurely." (I nearly choke.
Somewhere, Soap!Jen is laughing.)
-- And more CJ: "Jerry, you can cancel the Diva Search, because I think we have a WINNA!"
-- There was another line here, but I don't remember what it was...because during commercials, Jay put on I Love The 90s, and I was busy yelling, "CHRIS PRATT!", and running out of the room to yell it at my dad as well, as if that wasn't what he was watching himself.
-- Hey, look, there's CJ. He's on opposite himself. That's CRAZY.
-- Back on Raw...he's fighting Kane. Frankly, how much am I supposed to say about a match with Kane in it?
-- ...Kane's boot is falling apart...that's something.
-- JR (after Kane gets crotched on the ropes): "That springboard dropkick
sent Kane down in a...very precarious position."
me: "I guess he won't be impregnating any more Divas anytime soon."
-- Kane throws a blatant nutshot and gets DQed, then double-chokeslams CJ and the ref. Okay, *that* was all pointless.
-- commercials. me: "JOHN CENA! ...Sorry."
-- They bring out another Trashy-Ass Divabee.
Jay: "I bet King's already banged every one of them."
me: "........I thought you just said KANE."
Jay: "Ew. No."
me: "This angle has *ruined* me."
-- The Divabee shows off her supposed dancing skills, prompting me to yell out of the room to Jay, "She has NO MOVES. She is just SHAKING HER ASS. She has NO GAME WHATSOEVER."
-- SDRebound: Cena takes down Angle, ensuring that he is *fucked*, and so
Kurt strips him.
(...of the title.)
In the meantime, Eddie pretends to be a lucha, and will fight Bradshaw in
a cage. Because haven't you realized, it's not a main event feud without
ending up in a cage.
-- commercials. In the new Summerslam commercial, Eugene accidentally
sets Regal on fire. Regal flaps his arm around madly --
me: "STOP DROP AND ROLL, REGAL!!!"
-- until Eugene puts him out with a fire extinguisher. Regal sulks,
and Eugene mumbles, "Stop, Drop, and Roll."
me and Jay: "SEE???"
-- Ric vs. Hurri. As I forgot to mention, Flair's robe is Gryff colors, and Shane cut his hair. See, the important things.
-- Hey, there's a bright green "Happy Birthday Hurricane" sign! Yay!
-- Hurri gets thrown into the corner, and fairly clearly yells, "Oh, shit!"
-- Dude, Flair is bleeding from the *ear*. That can't be healthy.
-- Someone with an "Evolution Sucks" sign couldn't be bothered to make the
word Evolution fit on one line, so, obviously, their opinion is null and
void. I'm unforgiving in that way.
...And biased. Shut up.
-- Anyhow, Shane taps to the Fig4, and I can't decide if this is a bad thing because it's his birthday, or if it's a good thing because Flair's EAR is bleeding.
-- commercials. The Diva Search judges are revealed to be THE H0TT, and I learn from I Love The 90s that Point Break is essentially The Fast and The Furious with surfing. Now I feel compelled to go rent it. Heh.
-- Another Divabee. This one's not as bad. Not that I can see anything to really recommend her.
-- Jay: "Wake me when it's over." (slumps over)
Jerry: "Now, I'm going to put you on the spot."
Jay (shoots back up): "He has put you ON THE SPOT!"
me: "Not a spot like your dog Spot!"
Jay: "Not a spot like a liver spot!"
me and Jay: "BUT MAAAAAAAAH SPOT!!!"
-- The entire rest of this segment is taken up by our reminiscing about the NWO Four Horseman skit. MEMORIES.
-- commercials
-- Eugene. Whenever I see his Tron, I think, "Hello, my name is Simon, and I like to do drawings."
-- me (re: Benoit): "He has a severely bruised what?"
Jay: "Sternum."
me: "Oh." (long pause) "It doesn't *look* bruised."
-- Eugene chops Benny (me: "Right in his bruised sternum -- OH MY GOD EUGENE YOU *BITCH*"), Benoit chops back *hard*, and Eugene starts jumping up and down, clapping. Hee!
-- Jay: "MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER by Eugene!"
-- OMG HE JUST DID FUCKED-UP GERMANS ON MY BENOIT. HOLY
SHIT NICK DINSMORE, DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU.
-- ...Sorry, I'm okay. He also does the Crossface, and the crowd *freaks out*. There's a girl who I swear claps her hands over her mouth in shock.
-- Benoit manages to get a foot to the ropes, but Eugene thinks he's won, and runs around the ring with the Oversized Belt for a bit.
-- Evo comes out and beats up the both of them, Eugene fights back, Regal comes out to help -- none of this works, of course, because The Mafia is UNSTOPPABLE.
-- Massive Evo Beatdown on Eugene, of course.
JR: "This makes me sick. Eugene wouldn't hurt a hair on a man's
head."
me: "...Except for the part where he *wrestles*."
-- I don't fucking know, people. I just don't.
-- ...Oh. I guess that's it, then.