Raw, 7/21/03
(where Linda exercises poor decision-making skills, Jerry moons over his soulmate, and Chris and Shawn carry the show as usual.)
-- We start with a clips package on Kane's psychosis, Austin's inadequacy, and JR going Method to shill his barbecue sauce (BECOME the steak, JR!). Most importantly, Ceej wears cool glasses and Bisch gets his hate on.
-- Why does the theme song cut just before they say "let's get it on"? It would make a much better transition. Hmm.
-- Sign: "Out with Bishof." No, I'm not kidding.
-- Yay, Bisch! That's how you start a show.
-- ....I didn't say that.
-- Sign: "Fire Bischof." Okay, I don't have any problem with the hating, but goddammit, learn how to spell his name, you lazy bastards!
-- Linda comes out to something that is *not* the WM music, confusing everyone who is not in the arena and thus cannot see the Titantron (or just me...I went, "Who the hell are they cheering for?")
-- Hey, she has Swedish Sex Techno Music (TM) now! I *swear* this song is in Attitude.
-- She dyed her hair, too. It's blond. It looks nice.
-- .... (*still ships Eric/Linda, completely irrationally*)
-- Linda informs us that JR hasn't pressed charges against Kane. Hmmm #1.
-- Also, Kane's under house arrest. I have sudden images of the Pillman Gun Angle.
-- Oh, wait...he gets to come to work anyway. Dammit. That would have been pretty funny.
-- Sign: "Hey Kane -- HA HA!" (*cracks up*)
-- Bisch tries to get the firing train rolling, but Austin comes out to stop it.
-- Austin says he doesn't feel guilty about JR getting set on fire. Okay, so Steve apparently has no conscience. Well, not that we didn't already know that.
-- He follows this up by threatening to "beat Kane to death". Oh. Thanks for that. Dipshit.
-- NOOOOOOO! DON'T FIRE BISCH! I NEED HIS SNARK!!!!!
-- Sorry. I panicked.
-- Linda talks up Austin's skills, but tells him to quit beating guys up. Which is pretty logical to me.
-- Bisch is filled with v. cute glee over this, until Linda breaks out the fine print (i.e., that Austin can start smacking people around if "physically provoked"). You can *see* schemes of making Austin's life hell evaporate like so much spilled beer.
-- Austin promises to "think about" Linda's decree. (Why start now? He's gotten so far *not* doing it...)
-- She says that if Austin breaks her decree and gets himself fired, she won't hire a new co-GM, and Bisch will have full control of the show. (*dreams of S/B go up in smoke*) Hawh!
-- She also gives Austin the night off. It's all that thinking, you know. It's going to be pretty taxing.
-- Bisch tries to sing him out of the building, but Linda gives him the night off, too.
-- Austin sings in turn, bumps Bisch off the ring apron and to the ground (he lands on his knees, which I think looks like it would hurt like a motherfucker), and Linda drinks with him, looking like a complete priss.
-- commercials. You know, I had *so* many problems with the logic in that segment.
-- Trish comes out, in her infinite sparkliness. She's teaming with Gail (who, according to the sign, someone came to see). The crowd at large is STUNNED.
-- Molly and Vic are the opponents. Jerry and Coach say the word "strange" about eight times during their entrance, which I find, uh, strange.
-- This leads into a plug for The Mullets, which Coach assures us will be "out-FREAKIN-standing!"
-- Jerry broods over JR, and more or less calls Coach an amoral little whore. Which he is, and not nearly as charming about it as Cole. (But I think I'm biased.)
-- Gail blows two spots in a row. Heh. Oops.
-- Conveniently Timed Sign: "Gail Kim Is Lucky."
-- She also is the unintended recipient of the Chick Kick. Heh. Oops Squared (the scripted edition).
-- Vicky: "WELCOME TO RAW, GAAAA-IL!" Ha! (It was all in the delivery.)
-- Today's web vote is whether or not JR should press charges. We go to commercials with Jerry *yelling* at Coach about how Coach doesn't care about JR's wellbeing. Um. Theirluvissodisturbing.
-- For some reason, Big Mutha Truckers commercials always make me think of Monster Truck Madness. Except without the amusingly distressed Kev.
-- CJ harasses Terri as she waits in the parking lot for Kane. He then sings a little bit to Hollywood, sounding like he's on The Crack.
-- Also in the parking lot, Bisch and Austin bitchfight:
A: "I motivate people."
B: "Yeah, you motivate people to set other people on fire. Good move!" (*dies*)
-- They also have a semantic argument about WCW. Hee. Just hee.
-- The Mafia comes out, with new, Lemmy-flavored music, and a new logo that looks like some sort of perverted Hogwarts house crest.
-- However, the Titantron still contains Randy licking that chick. So I'll forgive a lot.
-- Speaking of whom, he babbles a bit, trying to sound as if he's continuing a conversation he was having with Hunner and Flair. (In case you were curious, Trips no-sells the promo.)
-- Anyway, Orton is dubbed "the Legend Killer". He should stay away from Ceej, then. That's all I'm sayin.
-- commercials
-- Ooh, while we were at commercials, the crowd got to delight in more Lemmy. Rah.
-- Hunter takes up residence at the announce table, managing to make it sound like he thinks Val's checking him out.
-- He puts Randy over, saying that what he needs is confidence. Dude, share some of yours, you've got enough for about five countries.
-- H: "Oh, that's right, JR won't be back until Ash Wednesday." (*snorfle*)
-- Coach bitches out Jerry for being strangely quiet, and not going apeshit all over Hunter. Double standards, man, I'm tellin ya.
-- H (re: JR): "Stop, drop, and roll. See, he forgot the most important step, which is roll." Heh.
-- I think I can still stand Hunter when he's sitting around being a wiseass, not monopolizing the whole show, and not holding down the whole world singlehandedly. ...Which, as you can imagine, doesn't happen a whole lot.
-- Hey, is Hunter actually feuding with anyone?
-- Flair totally carried the match, by the way. In case you were curious.
-- You know, in all black, the 80's Flair Look kinda works for Hunner. I think he may have trimmed the Farrah Wings.
-- H takes the opportunity to shill and cut a promo at the same time. I feel like I'm suddenly watching the Home Shopping Network.
-- Jay, by the way, has decided to bring a sign to the next Raw we go to, proclaiming, "IT'S EVOLUTION, BABY!" Heh.
-- Strong Monkey comes out. (Oh, right, *that's* who Hunner's feuding with.) H's nose jobs to his. OH. *DIS*.
-- Gb also calls him by his "full name". I thought we were supposed to forget he had one. Like he just sprung from the top of Vince's head as "Triple H".
-- Gb says Hunter's just another victim. Tazz totally oughta sue his ass. (The man's got potential copyright infringement suits going all over the place, what with Kane's sporadic impressions of The Most Miserable Sonuvabitch On The Planet (TM Joey) and all.)
-- Flair removes his jacket, just in case he has to carry the promo. Heh.
-- Okay. Now, let's think about the Evolution shirt. "Paid, Made, and Laid." There's something about that that I find really odd, and I can't figure out what it is...
-- Wait a minute! Made! MADE! They're admitting that they're The Mafia! OMGWTFBBQ!1!!1!!!11!!!
-- Aw yeah. Total shoutout to me.
-- Randomly, someone's sign says "Goldberg *vrs* HHH". They don't need your stinking common usage, they'll make their *own* abbreviations, by God.
-- commercials
-- You know, even though Nid's my favorite SD diva...they really can't photograph her for crap, can they.
-- Back on the show, Randy bitches, and H+F calm him down.
-- Hunter makes reference to a nebulous plan, that will apparently have everyone saying, "Randy Orton". Yes, that's all. Everyone is apparently going to leave simply muttering his name, sans any context whatsoever. Okay.
-- The Wrestlemania Recall is, naturally, of Jericho/Michaels. It includes the hug-kick-hug. Hee.
-- After the WMR, Jerry muses, sadly, "Listening to that makes me miss JR." You sad, sad dipshit.
-- commercials. Sable's hosting Slammin Saturday Night. You know...she's SUCH porn. And not in the good way.
-- Shawn's customarily gay outfit...has *crosses* hanging all over it like wind chimes. I have no words. Dude, New!Shawn just fucks with my head. Seriously.
-- Shawn struggles with his chaps, and Chris looks troubled. Rare though it may be, *that's* why I love him -- those odd moments where you can see his mind working like that.
-- Jerry compares Shawn/Ceej to Coach and JR. In the All About Eve way. It is a subtext-free comment. Thank God.
-- Ceej breaks out the beloved "ASKHIM!!!", and we discuss his paunch.
-- They have one of those pinning sequences. Always fun, but they always make me miss RVD/JL. Meeeeeeeeeemories.
-- Jerry says Ceej needs to grow up to compare with Shawn. Um? What's his problem with Jeri? He's a heel, ain't he?
-- That's we need, dude. A heel commentator.
-- Jay (as I'm writing this down): "You know what this show needs?"
me: "A heel commentator?"
Jay (long pause): "No...a sign that says 'WRESTLING'."
me: "Oh. That too."
-- One of them says something about Ceej knowing Shawn's vulnerable spots. Jay responds, "I think everyone in the wrestling industry knows Shawn Michaels' vulnerable spots."
-- ...Naturally, I go to the bad place.
-- We fear that Shawn's about to break out an Asai moonsault. He doesn't. Because he is not COMPLETELY STUPID. (Fictional incarnations nonwithstanding.)
-- Coach and Jerry argue over the usage of "high-rent district". Their petty-ass bickering makes Baby Kyra cry.
-- Flair comes out. Shawn slides out of the ring and clocks him in one move. Ha!
-- commercials -- JUST AS CHRIS GETS THE WALLS ON. Dude. There are no words for the lameness of that. Vince, whoever did that? Fire him.
-- me (re: Coney Island Go Kart Park commercial): "That's a Hurricane, right next to it. The rollercoaster, not the person."
Jay: "Only you would notice that."
me: "I'm just saying --"
Jay: "And I *figured* not the person. He must have better things to do than just stand around at Coney Island."
me: "I'd hope so, but you never know, with these bookers."
-- When we come back, the match is still the match.
-- My boy's still hot. Even though he got fat. (*is bitchslapped by Muse*)
-- Shawn throws a fit that looks like a Hulk-Up.
-- FF/Kickup! Hoo-ah!
-- Harkening back to WM, Shawn does *another* WoJ tease. Dude, either fucking *do* the move, or don't tease it.
-- Gratuitous Double Ass Shot!
-- This crowd doesn't deserve this match. Hawhs.
-- Ceej ducks Sweet Chin Music, and Shawn nearly takes out Earl with it. Heh.
-- Gratuitous Nutshot. Hee.
-- Oh! SCM-meets-VanDaminator! Bwa ha ha!
-- Earl gets in a bitchfight with Flair, leaving Orton free to get Shawn.
-- Chris hates life right about now. He screams incoherently before being able to break out the "ASKHIM!!!"s.
-- HO! Shawn tapped! They let Ceej win with the WoJ! Shawn TAPPED! HO!!!
-- ...You know, when you write out my speaking patterns, it looks like I've been possessed by Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
-- commercials
-- Vengeance. Mmm, Zachtastic.
-- ...I am probably the only person you'll find who prefaces Zach with "mmm". I blame the last Garden show. It's a long story.
-- There are people just randomly hanging out on the roof of the Staples Center. That's odd.
-- Recap of the beginning of the show, A/B/L. (I feel so AOHell typing that.)
-- Lance! With new music. (I think. It's entirely possible I've just never noticed his music.) His pants fascinate me.
-- Anyway, he's trying to whore himself out to Hollywood. I loves me some Lance.
-- As always, he's interrupted -- this time by Kane, five cops, and chains. But see, I know what was really important in this segment: Lance's pants.
-- commercials
-- Jay: "You look bored out of your mind."
me: "You know what this show suffers from?"
Jay: "A heel announcer?"
me: (*blinks, very long pause*) "No..." (*tries to make that make grammatical sense in head*)
Jay: "Er. What does it suffer from?"
me: "A severe lack of Shane Helms."
Jay: "That's true. Also, Christian has yet to grace us with his presence."
me: (*jumps up*) "*That's* what it is! Christian = RATINGS!"
-- Booker vs. Drew, by the way. In case you were curious.
-- Jay (no, the other one) watches backstage. He's wearing a shirt that inspires an "Oh my dear lord", which had previously been reserved for Shawn's whirlygig of holy gaiety.
-- Nevertheless, as promised, the ratings briefly shoot through the roof. (Hey, shut up, I can dream.)
-- Drew makes fun of Steiner, and the reference goes right over my head. Eh.
-- You know, I'm thinking about Shane now, and I've decided his little tag feud is obviously no-win. For when we all get shot and cannot carry on, though we die, La Resistance lives on. He ought to quit while he's ahead.
-- Oh, randomly, Stacy just gave Steiner a lap dance at the top of the ramp. Yep.
-- The Sages of WWE.com believe JR should throw Kane's Miserable towel-wearing ass in jail. Just so you know.
-- RVD, in the meantime, goes *apeshit* in his shadow-boxing. DUDE. That is possibly the least stoned-looking I've ever seen him.
-- Also, while Mark may think he's badass with *his* shadow-boxing, I think RVD's shadow may need to go to the ICU.
-- commercials, featuring the new Mike Tyson, Brock. Except, um, without the misogyny...and ear eating...yeah.
-- TOM LENNON! IS ON RENO 911!
-- ...okay, I just got much more excited about seeing Thomas Lennon than I did about almost anything on this show. That's pretty sad. (But, hee. Tom Lennon.)
-- Hey! There's my Superhero!
-- Somehow, the whole Kane-setting-JR-on-fire thing sounds even *more* absurd when Shane's talking about it in his Ultradramatic Lisp Of Doom.
-- Anyway, he calls Rosey "young Roosevelt" (allowing R to show an emotion, namely, confusion), and names him a SuperHero In Training. Goldie pops in, helpfully pointing out that this abbreviates as "SHIT". Dude, I think I may have used that joke in SHU. Damn.
-- Out comes Kane, unshackled before the watchful eyes of the masses. I still want his music, dammit.
-- commercials. Jay wants LC to break into a disco interlude. Unfortunately, I don't remember what LC stood for in my notes, which I imagine would make this funnier.
-- Vid package. At one point, RVD gets thrown through an even cheaper wall than the one Matt went through. I didn't think that was possible.
-- RVD *RUNS* to the ring (see? intensity!) to get things going.
-- They wind up on the ramp. Kane wants to throw RVD off the stage, but the refs won't let him. So he throws him into the lights instead. They *almost* all go out. Oh well. It looked cool anyway.
-- He then picks Linda up to chokeslam her. This'd be the perfect time for that son of hers to come and save her. That's all I'm sayin.
-- Jerry tries to save her, instead. This goes about as well as you'd imagine.
-- HO! Kane Tombstoned Linda. That's pretty boss.
-- We go out on refs and various personnel clustered around an unconscious Linda. See, Linda? Bisch was right about Kane! You need his pessimistically level head for balance, you crazy dreamer, you!
-- ........
-- On that note, I'm gone -- much like my faith in the humanity of the writers, if Shane-O doesn't show up next week. Bwa ha ha. (*rubs hands together evilly and runs away*)