Smackdown, 7/22/04
(where Kurt oppresses the roster in the city of freedom. God bless
America.)
-- Ah, on my first Thursday off, in my new schedule, I get to reacclimate
myself to the wonders of Smackdown. Let's get rolling!
-- Package: Kurt hates all y'all, except Bradshaw. Eddie gets attacked by his own lucha, who last I checked *was* Eddie (OH MY GOD, IT'S CLONING GONE WRONG! SAVE YOURSELVES!), but in this case turns out to be Kurt. Who can walk again. It's a miracle!
-- Jeez, the Smackdown opening sucks.
-- Kurt gets wheeled out like that package we just saw never happened. (Maybe he was clubbed in the back.) He hobbles his way into the ring, looking pretty and "sad".
-- He basically says that he was propelled from his wheelchair by his sheer hatred for Eddie. Heh. He maintains that his doctors responded with a hearty, "Bitch, WTF?" but that it was worth it regardless.
-- Okay, as far as I can figure, Kurt's character is currently the self-proclaimed moral authority. So apparently, the moral authority supports Nazis. Yep.
-- Kurt says Eddie can keep his job if he begs. Kinky.
-- He drags (Philly's own) Tony Chimmel into the ring, and a guy yells, "We love The Fink!!!" That guy didn't get the memo.
-- According to Kurt, TC traumatized him by announcing Eddie as the winner in Kurt's last match against him. Or something to that effect. TC gets on his knees and begs for his job. Kurt mocks him, and has way too much fun doing so, before firing him.
-- Tazz: "There's gotta be more to this, Cole." I hope so, too. Otherwise...it's sort of a waste of time. Yeah.
-- commercials
-- Pretty establishing shot of some Philadelphia tourist thing or another. Cena's gonna fight Luther The Assistant, and Bradshaw has planned a Rocky Challenge, whatever that is.
-- Chavo (and his cracked-out music) vs. Jamie Noble vs. Spike. Josh, in the meantime, will be our ring announcer, and he seems to be as much of a goober as ever.
-- Spike seems to have issues with his brothers, which is business as usual.
-- I need to go get food. Go Spike. Rah.
-- Jay here. Just want to say that Jamie needs to get rid of his neon shorty shorts. They scare me. That is all.
-- He's right, for the record. They're a bit scary.
-- Hey, Spike actually won. Cool. Now he's #1 Contender to
something...
Oh! The Cruiserweight Belt. Wow, it really *does* still exist.
(*mind boggles*)
-- Ooh, Smackdown In Japan package. The dude dressed like the Undertaker is pretty cool, but the package is really short, man.
-- Kurt, pimp daddy that he obviously is, is surrounded by Divas back in his office. The Divas "totally miss the fans", as Torrie says.
-- So, Kurt books them in a Fatal 4-Way Lingerie Match. Because *that's* moral.
-- commercials. The latest SummerSlam one features Chavo Classic (heh) on rings. Yay rings!
-- Tonight, we're going to get an announcement about the SummerSlam THEME SONG. Ho-ho. Excitement.
-- Hey, Kidman lost his shitty music! And he and Paul London are tag champs! Who knew?
-- Cole: "Billy Kidman, all fired up tonight --"
me and Jay (busting out into song a la Pat Benatar): "ALL FIRED UP!"
me: "We're geeks."
Jay: "Yes we are."
-- People, your signs suck. BE LEGIBLE.
-- Whichever Dudley is fighting (as this is not actually a tag match, which I hadn't noticed in all the attention I was not paying it) wins. Paul London juts out his chin impressively in support of his fallen comrade.
-- Tazz, re the F4W: "God bless America, and God bless Smackdown."
-- commercials
-- Tazz: "Give me liberty, or give me death!" (*DING!*) "I have
a bell on my desk." (I giggle. That's just *random*.)
Cole: "John Cena's fighting for his liberty from Kurt Angle --"
Yeah, that John Cena. He's like the founding fathers in a way.
-- Funaki in Kurt's office. Kurt is proud of Booker, and presents him with the stolen US Belt. Although, he does say he has to get this action cleared first, which is your sign that it won't go that well.
-- Then Kurt fires Funaki for not properly pronouncing his English. Is that legal? Where's the ACLU?
-- Locker room. Dudleys. Spike's all, "I hate you ppl." They promise they'll leave him alone (for now) if he doesn't interfere in D-Von's match (oh, I guess that means Bubba was in the other one) against Little Rey. Wow, all these people really *do* still work here!
-- ...They actually have a big ol' Rocky Balboa statue in Philadelphia. That's...something.
-- commercials
-- The shirt Torrie wears in her wizpic is BLINDING ME.
-- Holy shit, I heard the bells at the beginning of the theme music and thought it was A-Train.
-- Sign: "JBL Stinks Likes Bull-Ca-Ca" (No, that is not a typo.)
-- DiBradshaw says that his cage match last week was dubbed by experts to be the best EVAR, endearing himself to smarks everywhere, who respond, "Bitch, are you for real?"
-- DiB: "A city that is famous for one thing --"
me: "Cheese steaks?"
(...I'm sorry.)
-- Oh, a Rocky Challenge is apparently sort of like a White Boy Challenge, only without the racial overtones. Or something. I wasn't really paying attention.
-- DiB: "I chose this young man because he represents Philadelphia youth -- truant, addicted to drugs or alcohol, very poor."
-- Anyway, Bradshaw whups the dude, and makes a big deal about how nobody is good enough to fight him at SS. Mark comes out to refute, and he's all, Bitch, you damn near made my dead ass laugh.
-- Mmm, Mark. He may not still be able to go (how the hell would I know, when was the last time I saw *him* fight...wait, Wrestlemania...but that was against Kane and so it doesn't count), but he sure looks threatening.
-- OMG THIS IS A MINIDARK REUNION!!! ...I just felt that needed to be said.
-- Bradshaw scrambles to book himself a match. He comes up with:
DiB: "JBL vs. ...Shannon Moore!"
Mark: (*blinks*)
DiB: "Think about it! Good-looking kid -- girls love him...I hear some
guys love him too, that's okay, it's their thing --"
me (sekritly): "OMG I MISS THE MATT/SHANNON." (*tear*)
DiB: "Think of the buyrates!"
-- Mark punks him out like it ain't no thang. Naturally.
-- Dude, Bradshaw's belt *says* "JBL" on the nameplate. That's just stupid.
-- commercials
-- Get this: the Summerslam theme song is "Summertime Blues" by RUSH. That's...random.
-- Paul E gives us a promo vid where repeatedly, in slow-motion, they boom, "HEIDENREICH." This is totally just to get us to remember the guy's name this time around.
-- Deeeeeeevas. Deeeeeeeeevas. Divas for yooooooooou -- heading to the ring.
-- Sable's got a nice pimp-duster. And I can't decide what I think of Dawn's blond streaks.
-- Tazz: "Who do you pick to win this thing?"
BlissedOut!Cole: "I don't care."
(This may be the only time I've ever thought he sounded 100% straight.)
-- Kurt comes out, all, "Okay, fuck this shit", and fires the Divas on the
spot (again). Ah, good ol' Kurt, squashing everyone's
joy. KotN would be proud.
-- commercials
-- Cole: "General Manager Kurt Angle has completely lost his mind." I like Tazz's tie.
-- WHO DAT JUMPIN OUT DA SKY??????? R-E-Y!
-- Velocity's main event is RVD vs. Rene...dude, I forgot *so* many of these people still work there.
-- Oh, damn, I'm missing Ticker 2.0 again. Eh, doesn't look that interesting.
-- I will never, ever, *ever* be able to work up any enthusiasm for (or against, really) non-Spike Dudleyz.
-- So I've figured out my problem with masks (and I say this with love for Rey): they hide expression. Yes, I realize this is an obvious fact and I should have figured it out a long ass time ago.
-- Kidman and London punk out Bubba to even things up. Paul appears to start jogging on top of Bubba's shoulder.
-- Raw Rebound: Trips recaps the angle with "Evolution hates you, Eugene!" MMM BISCH, saying that Eugene is gone, and looking happy about it like the Evil Uncle he is. He books Benny/Trips in an Ironman Match for next week (hmm). Benny gets trampled by TFD. And apparently nothing happens to anyone outside this angle.
-- commercials. On Cath's birthday, the Dub's gonna be in Roanoke. This is funny in my head, in a really obscure Soap way.
-- I still haven't figured out who Paul London looks like.
-- What the shit are those stupid blowup things that Cena's carrying?
-- Sign: "I wanna play nurse with the Doctor of Thuganomics". Heh.
-- Dammit, I hate when the bleep makes me unable to figure out what the line was. (*flips off the FCC*) (*it is blurred out*) Goddammit.
-- commercials. Okay, a sure sign that Ric/Mick is an angle about to happen -- the ad they show for Ric's book quotes a blurb that says "Criticism of Foley is sure to create a backlash". From a *normal* marketing perspective, including that quote is like, "Wuh?"
-- Also? I think Johnny be needing to drink some Stacker 2 product hisself, yo. (Or take up crystal meth.)
(-- No, I do not remember in the slightest what that was supposed to mean. (*scratches head*))
-- Last Thursday:
Kurt: "You wouldn't hit a man in a wheelchair, would you?"
(*long pause*) (*Cena grabs him and pulls him into the air*)
Cena: "You not in a wheelchair NOW!"
-- Then he proceeds to throw LTA through a wall, which is presumably what led to this match. Hee! I love cheap prop walls.
-- Oh, in case you were curious, Tazz says Luther has quickness *and* speed.
-- You know, I like John Cena and all...but sometimes, the sheer magnitude of his over-ness makes me wonder about the world.
-- Dude, he just pumped up his sneakers. Geek.
-- Booker comes out to distract Cena, which doesn't quite work.
-- Also, note to sign-girl: Just because you have a relevant sign, that doesn't mean you have to hold it up THE WHOLE FUCKIN TIME. (*pities The Guy Behind Her (who) Can't See*)
-- ...He *does* look cute, though. That bitch.
-- commercials. I don't think I get that anti-drug commercial.
-- Kurt hobbles, and reassures Eddie, "At least my way, you won't clean windshields for a living."
-- Instead of Eddie, Vince swings his way down to the ring -- or, to put
it better:
Cole: "Mr. McMahon with that Power Walk to the ring..."
-- Vince growls at Kurt about pretending to be crippled. Yeah. Well. He blames Kurt for losing him a humanitarian award ("for hiring the crippled"). I snorfle, and try not to joke about former SmackDown employees, ahem (even though, I swear to God, those jokes NEVER STOP BEING FUNNY, and yes, I realize I'm going to Hell).
-- Anyway, Kurt's all, OMG I *AM* CRIPPLED YOU BITCH, and begs for his job like he wanted everyone else to. Oh, the tables have turned now Mr. Angle...like a record baby.
-- Vince pulls out the Big Gun (Jay: "I wonder if Donald Trump can sue him."), Kurt tries to hit him with the crutch, Vince grabs it and chases him around a bit. Then he reinstates Kurt to the active roster. Oh, GOOD.
-- Enter Eddie and his Pimpmobile. His windshield says "Be 4 Real". (THE B/G LIVES ON!!1!!1!) He gives Vince a ride out, and Vince looks terrified by the hydraulics.