Raw, 8/2/04
(where Regal kicks it old-school, CJ is still a big ho, and the booking
department is on more crack than usual. Oh, wait, look who we're talking
about...never mind.)
-- Package of the Ironman Match, so we can all pretend we actually watched
it.
-- Hunter starts yelling over the opening video, and it stops playing, letting us see him storm to the ring looking pissy. Ah, Trips, holding down the entire production team.
-- Dude, apparently Trips is an eight-time champ. Huh.
-- Trips: "I fought so hard I needed an IV to replace what I had
lost!"
me: "There's a joke here, and I can't quite find it."
(I've decided it was a steroid joke. Just so you know.)
-- Trips: "I fought my *soul* out!" Jay and I both laugh, at the absurd idea that HHH has a soul.
-- He says he won't leave until Eugene comes out. Then he starts yelling Eugene's name. Over. And over. And over. Even yelling other names back at him ceases to make this entertaining after about the fourth time.
-- Mercifully, Regal takes pity on us, coming out and letting us know that
Eugene is not in the building. Regal wonders aloud what kind of "diabolical
villain" would let Eugene in the building to interrupt last week's
match:
Regal: "It was me, sunshine!"
-- Then he talks a bit about his old WCW team with H3, saying that he was Hunner's mentor. He also offers, "Some people are born naughty. I guess that's why we gravitated toward each other." I attempt to not die.
-- Anyway, the gist of this all is, "Don't make me come down there and whup yo ass," only in a wonderfully civilized and growly British way. Yay, Regal-promo!
-- Before commercials, they give us a shot of the Divabees. You know, every week I think I've finally blocked out their existence, and then every week, those bastards remind me.
-- commercials. Ooh, Taye.
-- I HATE YOU BITCHES. DAMMIT.
-- Especially you, Pink Hat Girl.
-- They cut Camille! I'd pretend to care if I knew who the fuck that was.
-- This week, the Divabees get 20 seconds each to campaign for the viewers. On the plus side, that theoretically amounts to only two minutes and forty seconds of this shit.
-- JR *finally* reminds us that they're in San Antonio this week. HBK Country, bay-bay!
-- Rhyno/Tajiri vs. La Rez. Non-title. Blah de blah blah.
-- Jerry: "Rhyno will run over you like...well, a rhino, won't he."
-- Ah, the hell with this, I'm gonna get a cookie and throw this to Jay.
-- ...No sooner did I step out of the room than the bell rang. Tag matches hate me.
-- Oh, and Rob Conway looks like a lost Steward of Gondor. Just so you know.
-- commercials
-- Jay here. It's funny that Burger King has a burger named after a movie about a fat kid.
-- Benoit v. Orton pic, leading to Orton interview.
-- ...At which point I came screeching in from the kitchen (despite not being ready yet), yelling, "OOH! HOTTNESS!"
-- He says he's going to win the title and thus destroy Brock's Youngest Champ EVAR record. Yeah. Do it, Ort. (Let it never be said that my bitterness, when justified, is not long-lasting.)
-- SDRebound: GM Teddy Long. US Title Elimination Match. Booker
cheats to retain. The accompaniment switches to weird pimp muzak, and
Teddy books Kurt to fight next week. Eddie steals some of Kurt's stuff
to auction, and in return, Kurt decides to steal Eddie's car, getting a faceful
of white for his trouble.
(*double takes*) Er, from a fire-extinguisher booby-trap. Um.
I probably should have included that in the notes.
-- Amy and Stacy are interrupted by Matt, and Stacy immediately skidaddles, not even *having* a Gratuitous Exposition Conversation this week. Poor thing. Anyway, Matt and Amy small-talk woodenly for a little bit (Sidenote: his sideburns are funny. ...Hey! Sidenote! Sideburn! I kill me.), before Matt gets sappy.
-- This leads to him proposing again, much more genuinely this time, although
sans ring.
Jay: "I wonder if they're going to get married at SummerSlam...like Randy
and Liz!!!"
me: "That'd be fuckin *funny*."
-- commercials
-- Rewind: Rosey, in a newly-obtained SuperHero costume, saves Stacy from T3.
-- The match is T2 (w/ Trish) v. Rosey (w/ Stacy). Rosey comes out to Hurri's music, which totally screws with my head because The Green One is nowhere to be seen.
-- Okay, Disturbing Implications Of The Night:
Jerry: "You're sort of like Lita."
JR: "I'm not pregnant."
Jerry: "No, but her idea of being faithful is not having more than one man
in the bedroom at the same time."
-- ...I think my mind is scarred, y'all. I didn't think there was anything that could *do* that anymore.
-- However, life goes on, and with it Ticker 2.0: Ric's book, Diva Search (GODDAMMIT), WWEx's new time slot, and Ric on the Raw Mag (he's taking over the world!).
-- While I was writing this down (for once), Stacy did a cartwheel, and I missed it.
-- Oh no, wait, they just pulled out the REPLAY for it. (*snickers*) That's pretty funny. They've got priorities back there in the truck, man.
-- Recap pkg of last week: CJ eliminates Adam. Adam looks betrayed. Jerry comments that he thought they were TIGHT, which is pretty funny as they actually had no angle interaction before the battle royal. (*giggles*) God love him...he sees it, man.
-- Due to this, Adam is going to be on the Highlight Reel tonight. Oh YES.
-- commercials
-- The new shirt is hot. So is the guy wearing it.
-- CJ: "This is the Highlight Reel. YEE-UH!"
Jay: "Dork!"
(I'm just amused that it wasn't me yelling it for once.)
-- Ceej color-coordinated his shirt with his tights. Bangin.
-- I really wish I knew what Jerry just said. I'm sure it was extremely gay. That seems to be a theme for today.
-- They are MAD HOT. ...Um, you know I meant CJ and Adam, not JR and King, right? Yeah.
-- Anyway, Ceej informs him of the new S2 match (Ceej/Adam/TFD). Adam is nonplussed.
-- They are having a *total* bitchfight. Behold, today's Moment of
Not-Quite-Subtext:
CJ: "I DUMPED your ass to the floor." (emphasis his!)
To which Adam snitted a bit, and then shot back, "I haven't seen you
DUMPED that badly since Trish Stratus."
-- Ceej is hurt, and says something to the effect of, I thought I knew you, I thought I knew you, but I will never know you. They get up in each other's faces...HA! Chris is *so* much shorter than Adam. That's sad. At least when Chris does this with his other boyfriends, their eyes come at least a *couple* of inches within each other.
-- Adam decks him. The crowd boos. Adam gets a chair. Then he thinks the better of it, seeing Helpless!Chris (because dammit he still LOVES him). The crowd boos. Indecisive bastards.
-- Hey, so the *real* question of this segment is...where's the Chris/Adam/Jay fic?
-- Jay (no, the other one -- yay, I have an excuse to use that again!): "I bet I know what you're thinking -- 'I've gotta go online and get pictures of Adam and CJ face-to-face...or, face-to-chin!'"
-- JR lets us know that Hunter/Regal is *literally* a heartbeat away, and
will be intense.
Jay: "And it'll be *naughty*!"
-- commercials. They're doing some kind of Diva Search Bodyguard
Sweepstakes.
me: "You should enter. I know you want to go to Seattle. Screw
the Diva Search."
Jay: "Yeah. I think I'll bodyguard Trish Stratus instead."
me: "Uh-huh. I'm sure you'd love to guard *her* body."
-- Slam of the Week: Eugene makes his triumphant return (*cough*) to screw
over Trips in the Ironman Match.
Sidenote: me (looking at the "sponsored by Anacondas" graphic): "What is
this?"
Jay: "The Slam of the Week, I think."
me: "Right, but are you sure you didn't give it some stupid name like, 'Bite
of the Night'?"
Mom: "Heh, that's kind of cute."
me: "Yeah, I'm kind of proud of it myself."
-- Regal attacks Hunter up on the ramp, they brawl around the table and eventually into the ring. Hunter KOs Regal with knucks and gets DQed. It's always fun, the way Regal's in these non-matches. Heh.
-- Sledgehammer. Goes as well as you'd imagine.
-- Since I can't say this about Ort at this point in the show, I'll say this instead: this show lacks Bisch.
-- Sign: "We chased Evolution last night." Um. Uh. ...Yay psycho fans? (*is afraid*)
-- JR: "Mercifully, HHH is heading back to the locker room."
(Trips turns around)
me: "See, now you *jinxed* it, JR."
-- Hunter storms back down the ramp, threatens Eugene through Regal, and tips over the gurney. Goddammit, I hate when people do stuff like that to guys who can't brace themselves.
-- commercials
-- Moments Ago, Hunter stole The Power of the Punch, but decided, as he does, that he'd rather use something more phallic.
-- Bloody!Trips washes up in the back. Just as I'm about to make a
Macbeth joke, Eric pops out from behind a wall. (I deny the fact that
I squealed, "OOH!") He looks hot sinister, and books
Hunter v. Eugene for SummerSlam, expecting similar results.
-- Diva Search campaign speeches. Jay immediately mutes it, with an almost-cheerful, "Blow me."
-- I have decided I hate Crazy Redhead more than Pink Hat Girl.
-- Kane and Amy stand backstage at their places, not struggling until they realize the camera is on. (Heh.) Kane lets us know about his newly-minted match against Matt at S2. Lita agrees with Kane's dare that she marry the winner. Ha! I should have written that.
-- Official "No, You Really *Are* Watching Springer" Moment of the
Night:
Kane: "You know, it's a pity you can't wear white on our wedding
day."
Crowd: "Ohhhhhhhhh!"
Amy: "You bastard!" (*slap*)
Crowd: "OHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
-- commercials
-- Explosion. Enter Kane, for his Gratuitous Squash of the Week.
Today's poor bastard sacrificial lamb is Maven.
-- me: "You know, Jay...Kane never had to shave his eyebrows."
Jay: "Uh, yeah...they're shaved."
me (faux surprised): "But I thought he was just horribly scarred!"
Jay: "Hey, he *used* to have eyebrows!"
-- Maven makes a great chokeslam face.
-- Kane (re: S2): "It will be the first...EV-AR!" (no, really, I swear that's how he said it) "...Til Death Do Us Part match." Nice.
-- commercials
-- Your SummerSlam lineup: UT/JBL, Eddie/Kurt, Benny/Ort, Adam/CJ/TFD, Kane/Matt for Amy, Trips/Eug. Behold.
-- DAMMIT, MORE FUCKING DIVABEE SHIT.
-- So, Michelle (the one that Susan said is the best) really is the least skanktastic. Good to know.
-- Jay: "My hatred for this grows week by week...That is a nice ass, though."
-- Heh, Chandra is a big dancing geek.
-- Okay, my hatred for Crazy Redhead (whose name, I've learned, is Christy) and Pink Hat Girl (Joy) is pulling just about even. Having said that, I think we should vote off Carmella for having NO PERSONALITY WHATSOEVER.
-- commercials
-- The Mafia. Dave appears to do a weird almost-dance. Randy once again ditches the others to pose all by himself. Heh.
-- JR flubs, saying that Ort's fighting Jeri for the Oversized Belt. Oh,
if only. This leads to:
me: "Wait, Jericho's in *two* matches!"
Jay: "Yes, he *has* the World title...but he's challenging for the IC
title."
me: "Greedy bastard."
-- Jay: "So, wait, they're sending out Benoit before Edge?"
me: "Well, you know, they have to separate Jericho and Edge now."
Jay: "Maybe he's just not gonna show."
me: "Heh, I like that idea more."
Jay: (*pause*) "You know what this is right now, though."
me: "The love."
Jay: "Yes."
me: "See, I wasn't going to say anything."
-- Ben-n-Jeri play Human Ping-Pong with Flair until coaxing out a Flair Flop. CJ looks proud. Benny shakes out his hand in discomfort. Heh.
-- Ah, heck with pretending I can do play-by-play. Let's read some signs.
-- Sign (according to Jay, I missed this one): "Real WWE Fans Need The Ultimate Warrior"
-- Sign: "Matt Hardy is My Father"
-- Sign: "What Would Flair Do?"
-- Okay, enough of that. Because I forgot to mention it before: Benoit's tights say "4 Real". (*snicker*)
-- To our great joy, Dave Makes A Difference On The Mat. Then once in the corner for good measure.
-- The faces clear the ring. Chris and Adam stare at each other in
thwarted wuv.
Jay: "Then Benoit turns around and says, 'Bitch, what the fuck?'" (Which
is actually what happened. Well, okay, we couldn't see what he said,
because he wasn't facing the camera, but I imagine it wasn't far off.)
-- commercials. Junior's hot. That is all. (*waves little
Get Well pennant*)
Also, "Did you kill the fucking bird?" never stops being funny, but I think
that's just because I'm an idiot.
-- San Antonio supports Ric climbing the turnbuckle. Heh.
-- JR: "Jericho, the first Undisputed Champion --"
me: "I love how they always bring up that he was the first Undisputed Champion
because he hasn't *done* anything since then." (*long pause*) "But
I say this with love."
-- Orton, bored with not being in the ring, climbs on the ropes a bit, like a monkey.
-- SPINEBUSTER OF DESTRUCITY. I only note this because, if I make up move names, I ought to note when they're actually occuring.
-- Ort looks a bit...hyper. Nice vertical leap, though.
-- TFD does a backbreaker that gets shown in replay, then, by some weird coincedence, manages to do another one on the live side of the screen at *the same time*. Wild.
-- Ceej, in need of a tag, crawls toward Benny for a while, then says Fuck It, and somersaults for the tag instead.
-- Deadly Snap Suplex on Flair, Germans on Ort (who catapults himself way the fuck into the air). Jay observes, "Chris Benoit ain't fuckin around."
-- Brawl, in which Jeri clocks Edge. Oops.
-- Benny Sharpshooters Flair, Ort barges in and RKOs him (tremendous hangtime,
btw) for the pin, as he happens to actually be the legal man.
Jerry: "IT'S DESTINY, JR, IT'S DESTINY!!!"
-- And we go out, with Randy looking all happy and pretty. Whee!