Raw, 8/30/04
(where I can't bring the funny because I'm spending so much time trying to figure out what the hell is going on.)
-- So, Raw. ...Not the Olympics. Well then, *this* should be good.
-- Although, on the plus side, this is possibly the only place where I'm guaranteed not to hear about Michael Phelps.
-- ...Ah, who am I kidding. I'm so far into withdrawal that I'd even welcome *him*.
-- But, moving on...Last Monday, Trips called out Randy, to cool music. Ort spit at him (is this like part of his gimmick?). H3 unleashed Teh Dave, but Randy got away, and looked crazy.
-- Sign: "Batista is my bodyguard" (Hey, look, there's ATWP!Ort! Everybody wave! (*does so*))
-- Evo, sans Randy, dammit. Trips is all, dammit, Evo is *mine*, dammit.
.....Dammit.
-- The show has been on for five minutes and my dad is already trying to tempt me away with tennis. DAMMIT.
-- I don't think even *Vince* says "dammit" that many times in that space of time.
-- Hunter (to Dave): "I gave you guidance. I gave you direction."
Jay: "I gave you steroids."
-- Oh, and Hunter says he "hones" Randy, btw. Not *holds* him like I and both of my parents heard. Ahem.
-- This is all rather gay. Hunter's channeling Frank: "I made you and I can break you just as easily!"
(This was going to segue to a joke about Randy's "plug" that most of you were going to reply to with "WTF?", so feel loved that I cut it off here.)
-- Some guys bring out covered canvases, to something that's presumably Randy's new music. The champ himself follows in a tan suit, and wobioendkangowiegnvbsd.
-- Randy's all, "Call me champ!", and ironically, I JUST DID.
-- He brought pictures, and gives a little lecture explaining the purpose of Evolution to its remaining members. Ric tries to jump out of the ring and go after him. My brain hurts a little.
-- Hunter flips his shit completely, by the way, and totally comes out and admits that he's just using TFD and Flair for his own gain. Heh.
-- Randy comments that one of the things he learned is, "Never let 'em know when I'm *comin*." Then he pauses, and grins really widely, and my brain hurts again.
-- The third pic that he brought is that of the TripLoogie in full flight. Hee!
-- So, Ort strips, theoretically to go beat up Trips, but he does so very *dramatically*, and GAAAAAAH.
-- Then he grabs a sledgehammer. (Awww, Hunner's little baby's all growns up.) He chases them off and then poses a bit, yay.
-- Later, we're going to get Regal/Batista, Benny/Flair, and Trips/Eugene No DQ. Um. That's, uh, something.
-- I can't even *fake* enthusiasm for this, goddammit. I'm going to go watch tennis during the...
-- commercials
-- Ort is being yelled at by Bisch. Bisch orders him to leave the building, and wants Ort to give him the sledge, so he drops it on Bisch's foot.
-- Recap of Rock beating up Coach last week, leading to Rhyno/Tajiri vs. La Resistance and Coach.
-- LR/Coach jump Rhy/Taj before the bell.
-- Dude, it figures I'd miss Bisch. Wait, *Coach* is in this match. OMGWHY. (*reads what Jay just wrote*) Well that's no excuse. Damn you, Rocky! (*shakes fist*)
-- Sign: "Air Hockey". ...That's still not as good as "WRESTLING".
-- I'm sorry, but The Cow Palace is the best arena name EVER.
-- Edge is gonna be on the Highlight Reel again tonight. I swear they're doing this just for me, man, to ease my transition back into this crap. Awww, thanks, guys. (*loves*)
-- commercials. HOLY SHIT, CENA'S RAPPING TO *MUSIC*.
It's the Day of Reckoning commercial. Not bad, actually, although there's no hook whatsoever, but, you know, I'm hoping that's just because it's a commercial and not a real song.
-- Randomly, Papa Roach is in the front row, trying to look much cooler than they really are.
-- Package of the wedding. Amy (calmly): "I sincerely hope you rot in hell." Best vows ever! Matt shows up, fire blows up, Matt gets thrown off the stage, and altogether, it ends badly.
-- In a strategically red-lit corridor, Kane talks cryptically to a "surprise" hidden in a back room.
-- Eugene expositions his trip around San Francisco with Regal. As far as I can tell, the point of this is that Eugene should have a segment like The Chris Farley Show. Also, he likes baseball.
-- commercials
-- Jay helpfully informs me that there was a Rewind of Regal beating Flair, as I was off arguing with my dad that I do not in fact love tennis more than him.
-- Jay also points out a sign: "Batista is Huge". Nice.
-- Oh, um, Dave won, but I wasn't watching. Sorry.
-- Shawn, Ivory, and Linda at the RNC. (Since Ivory and Linda are *always* at these things, are we supposed to infer that Shawn's a Republican? Because, *so* not surprised.)
-- OH MY GOD I MISSED THAT VOICE. (*dies*)
-- Ivory is wearing a giant blue rosette. It scares me.
-- Of *course* this segues into a tease for Diva Search. I fucking hate you, WWE.
-- commercials
-- Stacy comes out, almost wearing an outfit.
Jerry: "I'm fighting the urge to make her the happiest woman in the world tonight." (JR wisely ignores this.)
-- OMG, PINKHAT!JOY, CRAZY!CHRISTY, AND BLANDASFUCKINGDIRT!CARMELLA ARE ALL. STILL. IN IT. WHAT THE FUCK.
-- Stacy: "Now, we're not going to waste any time here tonight."
me: "You already are."
-- Their task for the night is to dis each other. Well what the fuck am *I* here for, then?
-- Jay (changing the channel): "Fuck this." Hey, the 90's channel is playing the Total Eclipse of the Heart remix. Sweet.
-- Back on Raw, Crazy!Christy PWNED the other Divabees. I'd be afraid *not* to vote for that crazy bitch.
-- Backstage, Trish (in HOLY SHIT THE MOST SKANKARIFFIC TOP) snarks at Amy/Kane: "They're just like a regular married couple -- he's already taking out the trash." Kane looms threateningly for a minute at T3, then answers, "Heh. Good one."
-- commercials
-- There is something subtextually wrong with the music choices for Diva Search, and I love it.
-- K/A to the ring. Hey, she actually looks kinda pregnant in that shirt.
-- Kane babbles about Bisch's wedding gift, which is an open contract at the next PPV, and his "surprise" turns out to be some fake Hardyz. For a minute, I thought the fat one was wearing a Jeff shirt, but alas, no.
-- Amy's unimpressed, and lets Kane know that she's already booked him a match on said contract.
Kane (sweetly): "That was awfully nice, Lita, but you do realize that I sent Matt Hardy to the depths of hell." (*snorfle*)
-- It turns out that she booked Shawn, anyway. Right on, Amy.
-- Jerry: "The two worst words that can come out of your wife's mouth are 'joint property'."
me (in head): "And he would know."
-- commercials. Apparently, we must have faith in Skittles, or else they just can't taste so sweet.
...No, this was not a Jeff reference.
-- ...Wait, robot experts agree that Robo-Sapien is here now? Is that like critics agreeing that Stripperella is on Spike TV?
-- Earlier Tonight, Hunner dodged out of the arena, passing a sign that says, "Spit on me, Randy Orton".
-- Benny makes the ref search Flair, the ref finds knucks in a kneepad, and Flair attacks the ref, therefore ensuring that he'll forget to check the other knee. Ric, you tricky bitch.
-- I think Benny might have gotten a haircut. I don't know if I like it. The new pants are kinda cool, though, if a bit dull.
-- Hey, this is from earlier in the show, but Trips referred to the Oversized Belt as "twenty pounds of gold". Do you think that's accurate? 'Cause if so...that's a helluva bling.
-- Anyway, TFD interrupts the match and punks out Benoit, so there we are.
-- commercials
-- Slam of the Night: Edge and Ceej fought, or something.
-- Sign: "Mike D is my girlfriend". ...What?
-- HLR. Adam limps out, poor bitch, but still looks kinda hot.
-- Sign: "Edge: Take a Shower." (*snickers*)
-- Adam bitches about tearing his groin at the house show the other day. He also says "Well played", and I'm like OMG CLERKS SHOUTOUT.
-- Some guy in the crowd randomly gets up and shakes his head all ghetto. Hee!
-- They get all up on each other again, yay. And then something else happened that I forgot to write down. They shake hands, and Adam goes to leave without incident.
-- Then, OMG JAY SHOWS UP YAY!!!!! (He still dresses the best.) AND THEN HE *TAKES OFF HIS BELT AND WHIPS CHRIS*.
-- Let's review.
JAY. THE MOST METRO THING EVER. REMOVED HIS LEATHER BELT AND WHIPPED HIS EX WHILE HIS OTHER EX STOOD BY WATCHING.
-- God, I missed Christian. He is my *hero*. Welcome back, Jay. (*smooches*)
-- commercials, although you and I both know that I'm pretty much done for the night.
-- T3 and Gail vs. Victoria and Nidia. I'm sure I could tell you something about this, were I not on the phone. I *can* tell you that everyone's outfits are godawful.
-- ...Okay, Nidia's is cute in a trashy way.
-- Sign: "My Sign Sucks."
-- Ticker 2.0. Hey, SmackDown sold out three shows in Australia. Oi Oi Oi!
-- ...Australia... (*whimper*)
-- CrazyDragPerson randomly trips down the aisle. I wasn't really paying attention and thus have no idea if this had any effect on the match, but I'm sure you don't care, so.
-- commercials
-- SDRebound: Kurt calls out Eddie in the parking lot, and Eddie smashes up a pimpmobile that turns out to be Teddy Long's. TL books E/K again, or something. Also, DiBradshaw and Virglando complain, Bradshaw looks MAD SCARY in his Head Brace of Doom, and Mark punks them out.
-- Todd interviews Wounded!Bisch, who looks pissed off at the whole world. (Thought I was going to say hot, didn't you? HA HA HA HA TRICKED YOU LIKE FOX! ...Wait, except that technically I just *did* say that...oh, bite me.) Anyway, he books...something. Oh, it's Ort vs. Kane for next week, keeping up the grand tradition of using Kane as punishment for everyone.
-- commercials
-- Trips/Eugene. Do I really need to watch the rest of this show?
-- Sign: "Eugene 4 Mayor"
-- Dude, they totally had the retarded kid flip the bird on TV. Is that allowed?
-- Trips promptly responds with a MAIN EVENT SLEEPER, cooing for good measure, as if this will convince Eugene to screw the match and take a nap. HunterLogic, man, you can't beat it.
-- Ort comes out (yay!) and steals the sledge from Trips, RKOing him. Evo comes out in response, but Randy uses said sledgehammer to fend them off and drags Eugene onto Hunter for the pin.
JR: "He's outgamed The Game tonight!"
me: "...Is that even a word?"