Smackdown, 9/16/04
(where the writers are just as warped as me, only they're using their powers for Evil.)

-- Spokane.  Apparently Big Show is back, and this = carnage.

-- Torrie comes out.  If not for her STILL AWESOME music, I wouldn't have known it was her, because she seems to have stolen Jackie's curls.

-- She's here to intro Match 4 in the Best O' Five.  Shit, apparently Divas have even less to do here than on Raw.

-- Jay: "They should just have Torrie announce from now on.  She could be SmackDown's Lilian Garcia."

-- I feel that I should probably attempt to watch this match.  'Cause, JOHN-NAY.

-- I'm trying to figure out if he did something to his hair.  It looks good, though.

-- Also, Booker T wears gloves now?  *That's* a look.

-- commercials

-- Just so you can pretend you know what's going on: the series currently stands at Booker - 2, Cena - 1.  There.  That's about all the info you're getting out of me.

-- Cena gets kicked in the face.  We get a replay.
Jay: "That replay was brought to you by Day of Reckoning."
me: "Oh yeah?  Where were the special effects?  And the screen going negative?"
Jay: "And the multiple camera angles?"

-- No sooner do we say this than they show another replay from a different angle.  Heh.

-- Cena totally hulks up his hand before doing the YCSM taunt and 5Knuck.

-- Booker clocks Cena with the belt, and goes for the pin.  He hooks the leg liek w0, and yet, Cena kicks out, coming back from *unconsciousness* to hit the FU and tie up the series.

-- Teddy Long talks to Show.  (I'm still not feeling his crazy hair.)  TL has a contract for Eddie/Show or Kurt/Show, and BS has to make the call.

-- commercials.  The SD five-year anniversary is next week.  The commercial makes it look like a clip show.  I would *so* watch that.  Meeeeeeemories.
Hey, I know that Veronica Mars girl.  Bitchin.

-- Kidman comes out, in real clothes, for an interview.  They give us mad backstory, and I miss it for a phone call.  Come on, dude, it's *Kidman*.  But, as far as I can figure, the gist is that he fucked up the SSP and gave Chavo a concussion, and so now he doesn't want to do it anymore.

-- Kidman: "Now I'm the quitter.  I'm the bad guy, because I don't want to do that to another human being?"
me: "Yeah, dude, that's your only move."

-- Paul London comes out, all, "You left me, you dirty quitting whore!"  BK's all, "I have nothing to say to you," and Paul gives him one of the GREATEST BITCHSLAPS EVER.  Then he pulls off his shirt (woo!) and wants to go, but Kidman just walks out like a pussah.

-- Of course, none of this explained Kidman's black eye.  Oh well.

-- commercials, including Tough Enough: The Interactive Edition.  Okay, TE is one of my *favorite* things, so I'll go on the record saying I don't like this idea.

-- SD Throwback (heh): 5/24/01 -- TLC III!  Good stuff.
Jay: "The highlight clip is better than the actual match."
No kidding.  It makes you feel amazed that they're all still *alive*.

-- RVD + Rey vs. The Dudleyz.  The AT tells us we're in for a treat.
Jay: "If I'm in for a treat, I'd better see some of the most mindblowing tag team action ever, and since the Dudleys are involved, I don't think that's happening."

-- I'm sorry, the idea of Heel!Spike still cracks me up.  Especially since Cole's painting him as an evil mastermind.  Hey, I'll buy it.

-- Jay discusses how he'd rather see Rey/Rob fight than team.  I insist it's already happened.  But then, I follow it up by insisting that RVD's been on SmackDown for years, so what do I know.

-- HA SPIKE IS PUSHING HIS BROS AROUND.  THAT'S FUCKING GREAT.

-- Cole refers to DoR as a "hot rockin game".  Then they use said game to re-enact last week, with Game!Show making everyone his bitch.  Heh.

-- commercials

-- Cole apologizes for getting in a bitchfight with Heyman.  Since I have no idea what he's talking about...okay.

-- Show's Locker Room.  Eddie sucks up.  He's all, hey, have your comeback, but not on my time.

-- DiBradshaw and Virglando.  (VL is holding a Subway cup, fyi.)  DiB decides he's gonna call out Mark.  VL, as his "chief of staff" (see, that's how you can tell it's 20 years later -- they gave him a snazzy-sounding business job even though he's still essentially the valet), does not recommend it.  But they head out anyway, because Bradshaw's the one with the belt.

-- commercials

-- DiB rolls out in his crazy limo with the horns on it.  That car is not of God.

-- Sign: "I need a girlfriend."  (*snicker*)

-- Anyway, DiB says he keeps his promises "unlike other political figures" (Bradshaw for prez?  OMG NO), and calls out Mark, who, of course, appears.

-- You know, something about this makes me want to see them in a gunfight.  Maybe it's the Texas thing.  Or possibly just the hats.

-- DiB sends VL to the back (in a pretend show of fairness), and he and Mark prepare to fight.  Coincidentally, Mark needs to touch up his roots.

-- Expected sneak attack.  ...Okay.  Okay, wait.  DiB hired Grel and Viscera???  IT'S A MINIDARK REUNION!!! (PART DEUX)  And oh, how the worms have turned.  DiB traps Mark in a SuperBeatdown and gloats.

-- All right, lord knows my old-school heart supports Dave, but *Viscera*?

-- commercials

-- Moments Ago, DiBradshaw pretended he was going to fight fair, and totally didn't.  It's like he's some kind of HEEL.

-- The AT informs us that the TE deadline has been extended.
Jay: "Yeah, you know what that means, no one's signing up for Tough Enough."

-- Rene/Kenzo vs. the FBI.  Hey, the FBI still work here!

-- If there were any more stereotypes in this match, I think the ring might just blow up.

-- Midmatch, Cole gets kidnapped by HEIDENREICH (TM).  No, I'm not even exaggerating.  Tazz is flustered, saying, "Should I do my job?..."  He winds up taking off into the crowd after Cole, which warms my black heart.

-- The rest of the match is thus sans commentary, so fucked if I know what's going on.  They replay the abduction at the end, though.  Dude, those guys in the crowd accidentally slapped Cole's ass.  BWA HA.

-- commercials

-- Moments Ago, kidnapping.  Still no announcers.

-- Raw Rebound:  Vince shows up mid-DivaSlugfest to announce that he has an announcement.  Elsewhere, in Evoland, Hunter: "If these girls are hot, what's inside that cake, oh, it's gotta be sweet."  You ain't just whistling Dixie, Trips.  Randy vs. Evo recap.  They randomly play Indiana Jones-style music.

-- Backstage, HEIDENREICH has Cole pressed face-first against the wall.  He's totally gonna violate Cole!!!  I am horrified and confused and wonder when the hell my subconscious started working for the WWE.  Save him, Tazz!

-- Elsewhere, in Show's locker room, LTA tries to say that he and Kurt feel Show's pain.  What?  No, seriously.  What???

-- commercials

-- Has anyone else noticed the way that, in these segments, Show hasn't spoken *at all*?

-- Wizpic plugging the last match of the Best O' Five, at No Mercy.  Still silent, so Jay fills in with an extremely high-pitched shill.
Jay: "That was my Cole impression."
me: "Uh, I noticed."

-- commercials

-- me: "Stop changing the channels!  I don't want to miss one precious second of this angle!"

-- HEIDENREICH menaces Mikey some more.  H: "I'm going to do something to you that I've wanted to do since the minute I saw you."  He disappears off-screen.  I go to the ExtraBad Place.  Fortunately, he reappears: "I'm going to read you a *poem*!"

-- ...What?

-- The poem includes the lines, "Do you feel me? / I think you SHOULD."  I literally scream.

-- This is violent and disturbing and very gay, all at the same time.  When he's done with his reading, he proclaims, "That was a poem!  By HEIDENREICH!"  (See, it's all about the audible Caps-Lock.)  He makes Mikey thank him for the Def Poetry Jam, and then Cole runs like hell.

-- Tazz returns to the announce table, saying that he was ordered back.  Presumably, someone went, "Look, your boy's safe now.  BACK TO WORK."  I am briefly sad that he's not allowed to go find and comfort poor Cole.

-- Spike vs. MMM CHARLIE!  Jackie gets menaced by Bubba and D-Von, leading Tazz to yell, "Haven't we had enough of this tonight?"  

-- Dudz interfere, Bubba pulls off his heavily-metal-studded belt and starts swinging.  Enter a running figure in pink spandex and fringe --
Tazz: "That's RICO!"
me: "REALLY!  I never would have guessed."

-- He grabs the belt and clears out the Dudz.  Jackie nearly tackles him with glee.  Yay Rico!  ...Course, there goes any singles push that Charlie might have been getting.  Oh well.

-- Also, Rico needs to fix his hair, it looked kinda sparse in the back.  I'm just sayin.

-- commercials

-- Another promo for Carlito Caribbean Cool, i.e., Triple C.  Jay mentions that he's got a Razor vibe, but it's more like Razor if he were a tremendous goober.  (No comments about Scott from the peanut gallery.)

-- Most importantly, I know you want to know what he looks like.  Well, I've got nothing for you, except perhaps a Spanish Kurt with crazy hair.  Which is not necessarily a bad thing.

-- Speaking of whom, TL comes out for the contract signing.  He asks the crowd their opinion on who should be in the match, then says it doesn't really matter, since Show's the one making the decision.  Heh.

-- They squeeze Show into a tiny office chair, then bring out Kurt and LTA.  Mmm, Kurt.  He shakes BS's hand.  Next comes Eddie in one of his cars.  Kurt is unimpressed.

-- Kurt: "Everyone knows that Kurt Angle doesn't hold a grudge.  Kurt Angle's about business."

-- He says that Show should fight Eddie, beating him and sending him into a downward spiral.  Um, Kurt, I think Eddie's got that part covered on his own.

-- Okay, so Eddie says he has no problem fighting Show, while Kurt does.  From a logistical standpoint, where's the prob?

-- Crowd: "TRIP-LE-THREAT!"  Because none of us are idiots.

-- Show flips back and forth to draw this out as long as possible.  Finally he signs Eddie's contract, and Kurt/Luther jump him (I'm assuming the "him" in question here was Eddie).  Show then breaks the whole clipboard in half and signs Kurt's.  Heh.

-- LTA *jumps* across the table and kicks Show in the head. This is less effective than you'd imagine, and when Kurt/LTA clear out, Show throws the whole table at them.  Hee, okay, that beats the Highlight Chair Throwing.

-- But the *real* question is what made Kurt jump Eddie in the back?  Inquiring minds, dammit!

-- Anyway, tag match, next week, bye.

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