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Raw, 9/19/04
(where all the most godawful angles currently running climax at the same
time.)
-- Vince comes out right off the bat. They ain't fuckin around today,
man.
-- Sign: "McMahon For President". Can you even imagine?
...Wait, I wrote that, kinda. Turned To Quake. Here's
a tip: it doesn't end well.
-- Anyway, he calls out Bisch, who's in a khaki suit, and still using a cane after Randy "gave" him the sledgehammer that other time. Vince basically says that he supports fan participation (since when? Diva Search doesn't count) and sets up Taboo Tuesday, while Bisch stands around doing "WUH-HUH?" reaction shots.
-- Bisch says "It's a great idea!...on paper." Because frankly, the peons need him to make their decisions for them. (*snerk*) Then he says that Vince is under too much stress and he'll come up with a better idea.
-- Vince: "There's a reason you are the general manager of Raw, and there's a reason I'm *not* the general manager of Nitro."
-- Then he says that Bisch will be in a match, because obviously, he cannot be left out. As Bisch tries to beg off due to injury, Vince's like, hey, I'll pick you an injured opponent. This turns out to be Eugene, who gets a half-assed reaction.
-- We get to make the stips, however. Our choices are: loser is the winner's servant, loser wears a dress (OMG PICK THAT. PILL SHOUTOUT.), loser gets head shaved. Bisch freaks right the hell out at the thought of losing his lovely, shiny hair. Which is understandable.
-- Seeing that this won't work, Bisch pleads with Eugene instead. He makes a face like someone's stepping on his groin, and manages to choke out, "I love you!"
-- Eugene hugs Bisch, who's all, "Ha Bitch I Win!", except that then Eug decks him and hugs/kisses Vince instead. Then he mimics Vince's power-walk up the ramp, which is admittedly pretty funny.
-- Sign: "Lita is a MILF"
-- Speaking of whom. Tonight we'll get a Lita update, CJ/Shawn main event (YAY), and Diva Search finals. Oh, great, *that's* going to be last? Bitches.
-- Recap of Ort vs. Evo with frosting (the same package from RawReb). This, naturally, sets up a 6-Man Tag, because, you know, everything does.
-- commercials
-- Slam of the Week: Molly and Stacy dance-off, before Molly chooses to do the (wo)man dance instead.
-- Stacy/Vic vs. Trish/Molly. Don't all those zippers on Trish's bondage pants pose some kind of safety hazard?
-- Ticker of Doom...heh, they're going to Cedar Rapids.
-- Victoria does a giant swing on Molly, but doesn't let go at the end, which is less-than-impressive.
-- Stacy gets a fluke backslide pin for the win and *runs*, celebrating with the guys in the front row. Hey, that one's kinda cute. Hmm.
-- commercials. Is it just me, or does the hand motion Cena makes when he says the "polished gamers" line look less like actually gaming than it does a handjob? ...HA, IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU AGREE BECAUSE NOW I'VE WARPED IT FOR YOU. I WIN.
-- Randy reads a Raw mag (with himself and Trips on the cover) and hears a loud, "Sucks, doesn't it?"
-- It's Vince, who talks to Randy about...I don't know, something, I wasn't really listening. Dear everyone, vote Randy. Love, Jen.
-- Superstar Billy Graham is in the crowd. Heh, I ate a couple of tables away from him.
-- Recap on Squashed!Amy. JR throws it backstage, where the guy who hit Kane (Snitsky, or, as we like to refer to him, Mean Gene Snitsky, as he looks like a young Mark, if young!Mark had been beaten with the ugly stick), talks in a weird voice. He says it's Not His Fault, he was just doing a job. And he stares into the camera hard enough that I think the glass is going to crack. Um, okay, psycho.
-- Wait. He was "paid to do a job"? OMG IT WAS A CONTRACT HIT ON THE KANESPAWN! WTF, VINCE???
-- (Matt is totally the one who paid him to do it. Heh.)
-- commercials. More plugging of JBL vs. Mick: The Debate, which remains one of the stupidest things ever.
-- Todd, in a metro shirt. Hmm. He's in the hospital, saying Kane'll give an interview after the match.
-- Hey, it's Shane! Yay! ...No, not that one, it would have been in All Caps. For reasons unknown, he sticks his tongue out the whole way up.
-- Anyway, he's fighting Tajiri, in some Hurrosey/Rhyjiri angle. I dunno.
-- Hey! Rhyno's trying to get the crowd behind Tajiri! The crowd should be behind Shane, you bitches!
-- Well, for all the good it does, 'cause Shane loses. Hmm, so now H&R have both lost...an angle is afoot.
-- Dude, he just stole his mask back from that kid! Shane, you BITCH! (The mom's reaction, though, is really funny. She looks like a sober version of the crack babies killin babies mom. Great stuff.)
-- Shawn/Ceej is next? What kind of main event is on at *TEN*?
-- ...They totally *did* say it was the main event, right? I didn't just make that up in my happy little Shawn/Ceej daze?
-- Kane. He says there's a 50/50 shot they'll lose the baby. Then, Todd tells him that MGS says it's Not His Fault. Kane freaks out, recaps the whole situation at high volume, and says MGS "is a dead man". OMG IT *IS* PAST!MARK!
-- commercials
-- Rewind: Shawn beats T2, and Christian's not happy.
-- Hey, I just noticed that today's ramp isn't really a ramp. I wonder if that signals vehicular mayhem later.
-- Lilian's outfit is shiny.
-- Ooh, Ceej's purple ass is *sparkly*. ...Hey, wait, I think he got a haircut. That bitch. (I was distracted by the ass, okay?) ...Well, at least it now looks all nice and fluffy. Er, the hair, not the ass.
-- Yay, Jay is guest-commentating! He and Todd are wearing similar shirts, which is no surprise, considering who we're talking about.
-- Jay: "I wanted to see Shawn Michaels' face after I made him feel so damn Unpretty on the floor last week." DAMN YOU, JAY, NOW THAT SONG'S GONNA BE STUCK IN MY HEAD.
-- SRS, and Ceej's head between the feet -- for a second, I think it's a hurricanrana. Hee.
-- Jay: "I'm Captain Charisma, dammit! I'm the Show *Stealer*, that's what I am!" (Right on!)
-- He decides he's had about enough of this and runs in, leading CJ to kick Shawn in the head instead of the reverse. Earl tosses Jay. We go to...
-- commercials
-- Ironically, Jay (no, the other one) gets home just as Jay (no, the TV one) disappears. MAH GAWD IT'S FATE.
-- Mmm, ice cream. Anyway, am busy watching The Pretty and discussing CJ's new OMG SO SHORT hair.
-- You know...post-SHUNoWriMo!Ceej should totally cut his hair.
-- T2 run-in before the WoJ, and SCM on CJ. T2 and Jay are AT ODDS!
-- They totally just called something there.
-- Anyway, Jay is back (no, the...wait...DAMMIT, CHRISTIAN.), breaking up the pin. Both he and T2 go after one of the boys in the match, so I guess they're not AT ODDS after all. Hey, someone go check on Ceej's pretty face.
-- me (recapping one's Jay's commentary to the other): "He didn't really say anything exciting, but it's okay because he is Mr. Excitement."
-- The SDRebound gets cut off by hospital activity. A nurse literally *shoves* Todd offscreen. Wuss. In the room, behind closed doors, Kane EMOTES, "No! NOOOOOOOO!"
-- commercials
-- Moments Ago, Amy conveniently lost the KaneSpawn during the Monday 9:00-11:00 time slot, but Evolution doesn't care.
-- Trips (bitching about TabTues): "This is the World Title! You don't
just win the lottery or pull a name out of a hat to become a contender!"
me: "Yeah, but it's okay when they just *hand* YOU the friggin title, right?"
-- Flair so badly wants us to know that "A great man one said that!" (not that I remember what "that" was), that he repeats it like three times.
-- Dave: "Screw the fans!"
me: "THE FANS CAN GO TO HELL...in bright orange letters!"
-- DivaSearch recap package.
Jay: "They didn't do this yet? ...I was really hoping I wasn't going to have
to come home half-drunk and see this."
-- commercials. Okay, I was wrong about the hand gesture, it *does* go the right way for an arcade joystick. I still win, though.
-- LaRez. Sylvan rattles off French conversation that, from what I understood, was totally nonthreatening.
-- You know, it would be funny if, one of these days, one of them busted out "Je suis la jeune fille", knowing that no one would catch it anyway. Childhood commercial shoutout!
-- Ticker 2.0: Today in history, Shawn became Grand Slam Champion. Flair's book still owns you. TE tapes have to be in by Wednesday. WMXXI is doing something sometime. And, Trips/Ort are on the Raw cover, in case you missed it before.
-- A doctor tells Todd that they lost the baby (well DUH). Kane busts
out of the room and BREATHES VERY HARD. (That's drama, yo.) Then
he has a massive breakdown, repeatedly screaming "no", losing a fight with
a wall, destroying some guy's shirt, and eventually running back into the
room and dropping to Amy's side. They actually show us Amy (which I
wasn't expecting) -- she stares motionlessly up at nothing with Dramatic
Eyeliner, and basically just looks as if she's back on heavy
drugs.
-- commercials
-- More Nova. Nova: "You're probably wearing dark, bulky clothing and hanging around with people even fatter than you just to hide your own girth." CUT TO HUNTER, MAN. I WILL *PAY* THE PRODUCTION TEAM TO CUT TO HUNTER RIGHT NOW.
-- I really do wonder what you get when you call that number, though.
-- Alas, they didn't take advantage of the opportunity presented, giving
us the announce team instead. JR, pretending of course that they have
no knowledge whatsoever of the infomercial that was just on, says they're
all upset about what happened to Kane/Amy.
Jay: "To the shock of ABSOLUTELY NO ONE."
-- Divabees. Coach is all, "You have made an enemy in the Coach." Yeah, I'm sure they're trembling.
-- Trish comes out, in a cute little dress, and decides to be her little cracked-out heel self for us. Yay!
-- Trish: "And as Raw's #1 Diva -- hold your applause...hold your applause."
-- She ponders what the winning Divabee can do with her $250K.
Trish: "Christy! Maybe you can turn it down a little and buy yourself
some decaf! And Carmella, maybe you can buy yourself...I don't
know..."
me: "A personality?"
Trish: "A personality!"
Jay: "That was fucking freaky."
-- Then she proclaims that she's throwing the winner a mandatory victory party next week. Yay, a beatdown to look forward to!
-- Crazy!Christy wins. (HA CARMELLA YOU SUCK.) She says it's all about the energy, which is true. Coach then asks Carmella how she feels about "all the fans that booed you every week." (*snicker*) It's *true*...I just didn't think he'd pick right then to *ask* her about it.
-- Coach: "We'd like to thank everyone who participated."
Jay: "And I'd like to thank you for ending this fucking mess."
-- commercials
-- You know, the longer I think about this...it was foolish of me to think Chris/Shawn was going to be the main event. I mean, think what company we're talking about here.
-- Enter Teh Evo. Jerry: "Some of these fans aren't in their
right minds -- some of these fans aren't Triple H fans!"
JR: "No! Really? Get out!"
(Yes, you read that right, JR just said "Get out.")
-- Dude, did Shelton always have that crazy pyro?
-- Mmm, Captain Hotass. He glowers at H3 hotly. Dude, remember the old days when *Hunter* used to be hot?
-- I don't know what that sign says, but the last word on it looks like "CAKE!!!" So, feel free to make something up about Hunter eating it all.
-- Benny tags himself in against Flair. See, without an angle, he needs to make his own fun.
-- Everyone jumps in and runs all over, and Jay yells, "Oh, it's time for a break." Surprisingly, though, they don't go.
-- Outside the ring, Ort tussles with Trips, and gets a CLOTHESLINE FROM HADES from Dave, which knocks him out. The camera lingers on his gorgeous-but-unconscious mug.
-- *Now* commercials.
-- We come back in the midst of a Hot Tag. (Randy is no longer here, so it can't be *too* hot. Ba-dum-bum.)
-- Okay, seriously, if there's no more Ort, we don't really *need* the rest of this match, right?
-- ...Shut up.
-- Apparently, Shelton just did "some move" but I missed it. Benny does the 3GS and Crossface on Flair, Trips breaks it up, Benny suplexes everyone else, Sharpshooter on Flair, SPINEBUSTER OF DESTRUCITY on Benny, Shelton jumps TFD and knocks him over the rope.
-- Orton runs back out all CRAZY (he shared some of Christy's non-decaf), tags himself in, and beats everyone up -- RKO on Flair for the win.
-- That's it. Wait, one more thing:
Jay: "I heard Flair's wrestling with a pulled groin."
me: "What, he's proving he's more hardk0r than Adam?"