Raw, 10/3/05
(where it's instant nostalgia, I get to see almost all of my boys, and yet somehow, I still wind up cheated.)

--  So, 7:55, the official start time of Homecoming.  Only, there's a clock that says Raw starts in five minutes.  Um.  Then, what are we watching now, exactly?

-- Oh, it's like a mini-recap of last night's show.  That's all right.  I'll let that slide solely because...

-- HI HOT!CHRIS.  Who will not BE on Homecoming DAMMIT.

-- Interestingly, the two segments of last night's special that they chose to include were the one on the first show and the one on the Attitude era.
me: "So is the Attitude segment supposed to tell us that they're going to be interesting again?"
Jay: "...We'll see."

-- Hey, a new clippy thing!  (Is that supposed to be replacing Attitude-Entertainment?  Didn't they *show* that thing already?  I'm confused.)  Anyway, the new clippy proclaims, "The Power Is Back."  OMG, THE HIGHER POWER?

-- Ooh, new pyro.  Old music, though, which Jay complains that they really should change.  But hey, at least it's better than Smackdown's.

-- Out comes Mick.  Hi, Mick!  Judging from the plaid ring apron and the random stools, I guess we're opening the show with Piper's Pit?  But there's no sign of Piper.  Kay.

-- Sign: "Foley = Stuntman"  Hi there, Flair mark.

-- Mick goes for his cheap pop (thumbs up and all, heh) and then intros Piper (who is still fat).

-- Sign: "UFC", with a big No sign over it.  YUSS.

-- Piper plugs Mick's latest book, saying that he's had the light on for four weeks since reading it.  GREAT.  Because the first one wasn't screwed-up enough for me, thanks.

-- Piper (re: Mick returning): "I'm gonna give you 12000 good reasons."
me: "...There's only 12000 people there?"
Everybody chants.  It warms your heart.

-- ORT!  Hi Ort!  He and Cowboy Bob (who does not play chicken with a train) enter to cause trouble.  Mick: "It's *never* good to see you under any circumstances."  Heh.  I don't know, *I* think it's good to see him, but I could just be biased.  Mick plugs No Mercy for good measure.  Good on him.

-- Well, Randy's reason for being here is basically because that's what he does.  He's showed up to take out Piper, 'cause he's all, "Hey, I haven't gotten that one yet!"  He's a collector in that way.  Also, he brings up the OLD SKOOL YO, re: his dad being Piper's bodyguard or whatever.  Randy Orton: singlehandedly keeping history alive.

-- Ort: "It's lucky for you that my father has more class than I do!"  NOT LIKE THAT'S HARD.

-- Fisticuffs.  Piper loses his shirt (OMGNO), but they make up for it by Randy removing his, after RKOing Roddy & Mick.  JR yells, "This isn't Friday Night Smackdown!", because he's a loser.

-- Flashback to WM21 and the Shawn/Kurt feud in general, which means the Ironman Match is up next.

-- commercials.  SEXY SEXY THING, YOU'RE SEXY.  If anyone knows how to get that frigging thing out of your head, please share.

-- KungFu!Bisch accosts TRL about the Ortons, and threatens to smack *him* down, PLAYA.

-- Hi, Kurt!  ...And your disorienting mouthguard.  Lilian proclaims that the winner is "the first person to have the most falls after thirty minutes."  ...Wait, what?

-- Legends at ringside, possibly wondering if this is the only time they're going to get on camera all night.

-- Adjacent signs: "I <3 HBK"  "I <3 Kurt"  OH NOEZ A HOUSE DIVIDED!

-- Jerry is surprised that Shawn came in "on fire".  (Wait for it...) But Shawn's *always* flaming!

-- ...I've missed that.

-- Respect for the headlock.  Kurt and Shawn are going to teach us about FUCKING TECHNICAL WRESTLING (tm).

-- Kurt goes flying out of the ring, in a manner that looks pretty painful.  I automatically expect a commercial (because they've got me trained).  Instead, Shawn goes for a baseball slide, pulls back as Kurt gets up, and gets caught into an Angle Slam on the floor.  And *still* no commercial.  WTF?

-- Powerbomb on Shawn into the turnbuckle.  OW.  Just ow.  Still no pin.

-- Shawn, on the turnbuckle, is randomly bathed in purple light.  Heh.  Another Angle Slam, off the top rope, and it's Kurt 1 - Shawn 0.

-- *NOW* commercials.  (about the Raw On USA one, I comment, "None of these people have been on TV yet.")

-- 18ish minutes left, and Shawn is powering out of a chinlock.  German for a two-count.  I am *really distracted* by that random spotlight in the middle of the crowd, man.

-- Ankle Lock into a rollup to tie it up at one.  ALL HAIL THE ROLLUP.

-- Coach: "Kurt Angle continuing to work on a *lot* of parts of the body."
me: "Heh."

-- Body scissors, which Shawn flips around in and *wow*, this looks SO WRONG.
Jay: "He's biting him."
me: "He is?"
Jay: "You thought he was kissing him, didn't you."
me: (*still dazed*)

-- Ankle Lock again, Kurt drops to the mat to lock it in, and he's up 2-1.  P.S., Kurt looks weird with no visible teeth.

-- commercials.  ...Was that GameBoy one Rachael Leigh Cook and Trent Ford?  Because that's weird and random.

-- We are back at 7:30 with Shawn *again* powering out of a resthold.  It's like a sixth sense.  JR says Kurt is utilizing the clock, which I hear as "utilizing the plot".

-- Flying Forearm (did they just call it a "flying burrito"?), KickUp, but with a limp.  Shawn goes up for the Elbow anyway, hits it, SCM for a pin and 2-2.  By the way, that made an *excellent* noise when it connected.

-- 4 minutes.  Corner Spot into a weird backwards Angle Slam, but Shawn kicks out.  Kurt goes for another, and Shawn uses his MAD NINJA SKILLZ to make it a tornado DDT.  A couple of one-armed pins, kicked out.

-- 2 minutes, and these boys just look lost now.  Shawn moonsaults, Kurt grabs him for the Ankle Lock.  1 MINUTE OMG.  DRAMA SHAWN DRAMA.  He manages to kick his way out, SCM OMG BUT TIME RUNS OUT MID-COUNT WTF.  START IT UP AGAIN.  I HATE YOU.

-- Shawn's all "SUDDEN DEATH" but Kurt's all "BITCH PLZ, I SAW WHAT HAPPENED TO BRET HART" and he leaves.  Shawn goes to say hi to the Legends instead.  Ha, Koko brought the bird.  BIRD BIRD BIRD, BIRD BIRD BIRD.  Best lyrics ever.

-- Apparently Trips and Flair are going to be fighting Carlito and the Disasterpiece.
me: "Trips is coming back as a FACE?"
Jay: "Not for long."

-- Package on the Hip-Hop Awards, which is basically a bunch of celebrities putting over John Cena, dammit.  On the plus side, Marky Mark himself seems relatively un-self-centered.  Which is not a word, but whatever.

-- commercials

-- A very shiny Lilian Garcia introduces Kevin Von Erich (sitting amongst the Legends), who waves.  Texas cheers loudly for his continued existence, not that I can blame them.

-- Backstage, Vince is accosted and congratulated by KungFu!Bisch, who wants to make his match tonight a no-DQ.  V's all, "WHATEVA, I DO WHAT I WANT."  Eric's all, "You want to drive me nuts so you can come out with a Self-Destruction of Eric Bischoff DVD?"  (I WOULD BUY IT.)  Vince's all, "YOU HAVE NO IDEA how SICK, how TWISTED, and how PERVERTED I CAN BE."  Ugh.  Douchechills.

-- Lilian has to read a kissass introductory card to the "well-endowed" Vince McMahon.  Jerry comments that maybe that's why he walks like that.  Heh.

-- Sign: "Be A Man, Hogan"

-- Jay calls out Vince for not being able to remember the date of the memory he's talking about.  He is owned further by the graphic, which agrees with Jay.  Bwa ha.

-- Enter Austin.  I'm surprised Vince doesn't automatically do the Big Gulp O' Fear.  Stone Cold messes with him some, and "WHAT" is of course back in full effect.

-- Austin decides to play some clips of his own: the hospital assault (BEDPAN!), and when he kidnapped wheelchair!Vince with the fake gun.
Vince: "I don't think you should show any more footage."
But no!  He plays the Beer Truck.  Oh, Shane-O.

-- SCSA: "If you'd entered yourself in the Olympics last year, you coulda...no, you couldn't have won yourself a *medal*...you're pathetic."
Thank you, Steve, for that shining example of Mark-like coherence.

-- Vince tries to back off, and of course gets a Stunner.

-- OH NOEZ IT'S SHANE.  SHAAAAAAAAAANE.  I <3 YOU SHANE.  Hee, he's just here to get a Stunner.  Win.  At least his dancing was hyperkinetic as ever.

-- HA IT'S BLOND!STEPH.
Jerry: "I think she inherited that walk."

-- Steve decides to "interview" Steph.  (DAMMIT, WHY DOES STEPH GET TO TALK.)  Entertainingly, he yells "BOOYA", so I can at least take that as a quasi-shoutout.  Steph slaps him, so he stuns her too.  Well, unless he's gonna stun Linda, he's fresh out of McMahons.

-- A HA HA HA HA HA IT'S LINDA.  Hee, Steve looks sort of like, "Oops."

-- Linda: "My husband?  Why my husband?"
Steve: "Your husband's a piece of trash."
Linda: ".......Well, yeah."  HA HA HA HA.

-- Linda wants an apology.  Austin threatens to make out with her (WTF NO.  It's Vince/Steve, Bisch/every other McMahon.  Get it right.) but they have a beer instead.  Incidentally, you can see Shane wiggle his foot.  (What, I am in no way obsessive.)  He spills the beer on her and gives her the lamest Stunner ever in history.

-- commercials

-- Vince is getting into his limo, and Todd asks him about Austin.
Vince (ominously): "Somebody's gonna get FIRED."
me: "NOT BISCH!"
...Apparently I have priorities.

-- Jay points out that since Vince went home, Bisch is now officially in charge of the show.  OH NOEZ.

-- Ladder Match.  Lita and Edge try to fake Matt out right at the start, and Adam HAULS ASS to the ladder.  Oh, Edge, truly a master of Cunning Plans.

-- Matt traps Adam inside the ladder upside down and squeezes, literally because they're trying to come up with things they haven't already done with the ladder.

-- Dude, they aren't fuckin around, they are making *runs* for that briefcase.  That's excellent, because it both speeds the match up to TV size and gets across the gravity of the situation, such as it is.

-- Matt goes for the ToF and gets faced on the ladder in the corner.  Wait, that was not the proper usage of "get faced".  Anyway.  Adam goes to get another one, because the more the merrier and all.

-- JR: "Matt Hardy, very proficient -- very *prolific* -- in ladder matches."  DAMMIT JR YOU WERE RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.  Augh.

-- Nice domino spot: Adam climbs (me: "THROW THE LADDER AT HIM!" because that never stops being funny), Matt follows, tosses Adam onto the other ladder, Adam bounces and takes out the first, sending Matt onto the rope.  It's like Mouse Trap.

-- commercials.  Okay, UFC.  "No scripts, no storylines, no costumes."  ...Dude, why should I *care* then?

-- Hey, a table's out.  That's a good sign.  Matt rams Adam into the crowd and cross-bodies (okay, that doesn't look right) off the ladder.  Amy jumps him, he flips her, picks her up to put her through the table, but Adam gets him with a KENDO STICK.  A (help, I just wrote A, I don't remember which one it was) comes off the top through Matt and the table.

-- Adam goes up (JR, in the meantime, buries Smackdown, by making this *all about staying on Raw* and not at all about the title shot, or personal animosity, or anything), Matt ToFs Adam and climbs, Amy goes after Matt like a piñata with the kendo stick.  He fights her off, she pulls the ladder away (leaving him hanging from the briefcase, and making me yell, "THE JEFF SPOT"), Adam *swings* him across the ring and drops him on the ropes.  They tie him up in them, and Amy holds him there so that he has to watch Adam go up and get the briefcase.  Ouch, dude.  Just ouch.

-- Jerry: "Now she's taken his career!"  DUDE IT'S NOT LIKE SMACKDOWN DOESN'T *EXIST*.

-- Well, that was kind of anticlimactic, feud-wise.

-- commercials

-- Cops leading Matty out.  BOO.

-- Gratuitous femmeslash subtext, as Trish and Avril Ashley check out each other's bras.  For coverage purposes, you understand.  Trish is slightly uncomfortable because it's not Amy.  Mae Young busts in and shows everyone *her* bra.  T&AII shove her out into the hall to be dealt with by Hacksaw, Superfly, and OMG HI TED DIBIASE.
Ted: "Mae!  I'll give you $1000 to put your shirt back on!"  WIN.

-- Moolah accosts Mae and drags her away, yelling, "Every time I take you somewhere you embarrass me!"  Snuka borrows some money from DiBiase to go after Mae.  HA.

-- Maria is dressed as a Homecoming Queen.  That also wins.  She interviews Flair, who says Trips saved his life, or something.  See, Trips, he's like Shawn Jesus in a way.

-- commercials

-- Slam of the Week: Carlito and the Diz randomly attack Naitch.

-- I like Carlito's new shirt much more than the old one.  P.S., during Flair's entrance, there's a random shot of Kevin Von Erich looking unimpressed.

-- Sign: "Triple H, welcome back."  And then, just as the camera's pulling away, his buddy holds up, "...NOT!"

-- OH YES, THE FAT HAS RETURNED TO THE LAND.

-- That is still the worst beard ever (except possibly for the tragedy of the CJ Zakk-bet goatee).  Also, I think that guy's sign says, "Ric Flair does my mom."

-- Trips and Flair doubleteam like the proverbial well-oiled machine.  That's Mafia love.

-- commercials.  Dear Karl Urban: MAKE REAL MOVIES.  I mean, at least Rocky has an *excuse* to be in pieces of shit like Doom.  Love, Jen.

-- We come back to C³'s apple owning Flair.  Trips is outraged (at this waste of perfectly good food).  Carlito puts Flair in the Fig4, and slaps him in the face like a bitch.  Flair gets some chops, Carlito takes him down and struts, Flair throws him off the top rope (Jay: "Turnabout is fair play!"  Which I just typoed as "flair play" because I'm a loser.) and Flair flops in front of Hunter right before the tag.  Heh.

-- Jay and I discuss a better world, where Trips breaks the Master Lock tonight and Masters is thus BURIED.  Oh, Trips, if only you would use your powers for good.

-- Alas, no: Hunner goes for the sledgehammer instead (me: "DO IT"), gets Carlito with the Kick-Wham.  Diz grabs the sledge, but Flair takes him down before he can use it, and H adds the 'Gree.

-- Flair and Trips hug celebratorily (did I make up that word too?).  Hunter's still holding the sledge --
me: "HIT HIM WITH IT!"
Jay: "Oh, he's *gonna*."

-- He does.  Flair blades.  JR yells, "WHY, GAME?"  The segment runs long.  Ah, it truly *is* a homecoming.

-- commercials

-- Jerry: "[Trips and Flair], who everyone thought were best friends --"
me: "Good friends!  Better enemies!"
(You knew it had to be said.)

-- Hunter, still beating up Flair (backstage), yells crazily about "not letting it go" and how "nobody has the balls to stop me".  Then he smears Flair's blood all over a white limo.  Nice.

-- Hunner: "I'm the King of Kings!"
...Um.  Yes.  Apparently I was not that far off with that crack earlier in the show.
(JBL's going to be jealous.  After all, he's only a *wrestling* god.)

-- more commercials.  YOU GUYS, THERE'S ONLY 43 MINUTES LEFT, GET CRACKIN.

-- Jay: "You know what this means...next week, we open with another twenty-minute HHH promo!"

-- Hey, the Legends are in the ring.  There's Arn!  Guys...THE BEER'S ON ICE.  Anyway, Dusty's talking.  You know, he's just a common man.

-- A HA HA HA Rob Conway.  He talks smack and gets dogpiled, essentially.  Rob, not that bright.  HA HA they play the Superfly music.  Everything is better with that music.

-- commercials

-- Torrie/Victoria/Godaddybitch come out.  Sign: "WE WANT MOLLY".  YEAH, BOYEE.

-- They rush Trish and knock her out of the ring, stealing Ashley's shirt.  She attempts to kick ass.  "Attempt" being the key word, and manages to get Vicky's shirt almost by accident...look, I don't care.  Sum of all this: T&AII win, and Trish manages to lose no clothing whatsoever, because she's better than you.

-- BischCave.  KungFu!Eric tells Kurt that, since he's in charge again, he's going no-DQ, and implies that if Kurt helps him win the title, he'll hand it over.  Wink.  Nudge.

-- commercials

-- TAZZ/COLE.  HI GUYS.  TRL is hopping randomly around the ring.  Rey!  Hi Rey!  (His first time on Raw!  Awww, our little luchador's all growns up.)  YEAH, A POP FOR BENOIT, BITCHES.  And, of course, TFD, who is unleashed and not unleshed.

-- JBL and his car (me: "Hey, do you think that's the same limo, or that they actually paid for two?").  Jay* and his hotness.  Eddie and his ringing phone.  Somebody should get that.

-- Annnnnd Bisch.  (Called it.)  He blacks out the lights rather than let Smackdown have his airtime, and sends us to...

-- commercials.
Jay: "That was stupid."

-- Geno!  He is, naturally, here to bring out Hulk.

-- Sign: "Hogan Knows Nothing"

-- Hogan announces the Austin idea and is then done, because there is like *no time* left in the show.

-- me (re: JR): "He didn't say that they never wrestled each *other*, he said, 'Hogan and Austin have never *wrestled*.'"
Jay: "I don't know about Hogan, yeah, but Austin used to Wrestle!"

-- commercials.  The BK lumberjack commercial plays for the eight-millionth time, and something about that hand motion coupled with the flute rightly causes Jay to yell, "Wake up with the QUEEN."

-- Rewind: Vince makes the match that we're about to see.

-- HA someone has a sign about Bischoff being hot.  She and I should be sisters.  Sisters in shame.

-- Enter Cena, to flail about as usual.  Blah de blah, Kurt interferes, knocked down, Bisch!kicks, Five Knuckle Shuffle Tahm, lowblow, Kurt ricochets a chair into his own head, FU on Bisch, and *that* was quick and painless.  Kurt and Cena exchange fisticuffs, and TRL comes out: "Maybe you wanna do it Gangsta Style!"  OH, I'M SURE THEY DO.

-- Well, this brings out the Smackdown guys to attack.
Jay: "Look at Randy Orton going right for John Cena!"
me: "Awww, their love is so true!"

-- Raw responds, for a brawl out.  JR freaks out as usual.
Jay: "Ah, shut up."
Yep, same as it ever was.

Back to the recaps page