Smackdown, 10/7/04
(where everyone uses my city to get heel heat, we are witnesses to the NEXT GREAT CHAMPION OMGWTF, and being a total whore still gets you no respect from the bookers.)

-- No Mercy recap package -- wait, not really, just UT vs. JBL.  In stills.  Apparently, DiBradshaw got his ass *handed* to him until Some Guy Heidi chloroformed Mark, and he and Paul E. hit the hearse with a truck.  Deciding this didn't look impressive enough on its own, someone sets off random pyro as the cars collide.  That was a car wreck...by HEIDENREICH.

-- Holy Jesus, the new opening sucks.  It's 120% suck.

-- Cena, in addition to already being Super Over, is in his hometown, and I swear I don't remember the last time I saw that many signs for the same person.

-- Cena is SPEAKIN FROM DA HEART, YO.

-- Cena: "I have to give a moment of respect to Booker T."
(*pause*)
Cena: "Okay.  Now back to makin fun of people!"

-- He then does some cracked-out Michael Cole impression.
Cena (as Cole, re:Cena -- go with it): "Why can't he listen to *good* music like...O-Town, or New Kids On The Block?"
me: "OMG NKOTB.  BEANTOWN REPRESENT."
Mikey: "They *are* pretty good."
Cena (still as Cole): "That Joey McIntyre *really* had The Right Stuff."
And Cole ducks his head and *blushes*.  Hee!

-- Cena offers to drag someone out of the crowd to continuing making fun of Cole (I guess figuring that it's like shooting fish in a barrel, and anyone can do it), but Triple C comes out to relieve us of this surprising energy-suck.  He says he wanted to find the coolest guy on SD, and he's all, you ain't all that John Cena.

-- Sign: "John Cena: GET NAKED!"  Oh, he'll do it, too.  That little slut.

-- Cena: "If you bite that apple...I'm gonna make you swallow."  (SEE?)

-- I've decided that Trips The Second looks like the bastard child of Justin Guarini and some other person I haven't figured out yet, who must be more attractive than Justin Guarini.

-- Anyway, they're gonna have a match later for the US Belt, but in the meantime, Trips2 gives Cena a DDT and spits apple on his head.

-- Jay: "Yes, he crossed the line...with the *afro*."
me: "Heh."  (*beat*)  "Wait, is that what Tazz just said?"
Jay: "Yeah, I think so."
me: "I thought he said with the *apple*."
Jay: "Oh...that would make more sense."
me: "Well, Tazz *is* a pretty random guy.  He could have said afro."
Jay: "Because, you know, the *afro* is what crossed the line."

-- There is absolutely no way this segment should have lasted a whole quarter, I don't care if Johnny *is* adorable the Great White Hope of SmackDown.

-- commercials

-- Kenzo/Rene.  Dupes stopped frosting his hair, which is a great improvement, and does a little intro for the team in French.  Hiroko says Kenzo wants to talk to the crowd -- he proceeds to sing New York, New York, complete with Rockette dance.  This show is like bad crack.

-- me: "At least he sings better than Sylvan."

-- RVD/Rey arrive and quickly deliver the asskickin.  Most importantly, Rey is wearing bubblegum pink.

-- The Make-A-Wish package again, because it makes the Dubba feel good about themselves.

-- Josh interviews DiBradshaw, who is wearing a lame bled-through bandaid on his head.

-- DiB: "As a great president once said: 'No...new...champion.'"
me: "...But...but..."
Jay: "No president ever said that!"

-- DiB (re: him/Mark): "One of the most brutal matches --"
Jay: "Yeah, brutal for the people who had to sit through it."

-- Anyway, he refers to himself as a New Yorker for even more heat, and I just want you to know -- I don't *care* how much time he spends on Wall St., that bitch is *Texan*.  Leave my city alone kthx.

-- commercials.  Jay has decided the real money is in crappy country songs.

-- Man, every time JBL's music starts, I hear those bells and I'm afraid that A-Train has returned.

-- They make it sound all hardk0r that DiB is bleeding all over the place, but it's not like that thing wasn't already bleeding backstage.  Come on, Bradshaw, you're supposed to have all this money, I know you can afford gauze.

-- Virglando strolls out calmly, walking to the far side of the ring, and for a moment I fear he's going to guest-commentate.

-- DiB decides to take the countout, and VL holds Holly in place so he can't chase him.  Slick.

-- Cole: "The Big Show!  Making his first appearance in action since having his hair cut!"
.........Okay, that just sounds stupid.

-- commercials.  Thought #1, I forgot, because I was distracted by Thought #2: Mini-Jack?  WTF?

-- Teddy.  Jay has pointed out that he goes by "Theodore R. Long", and thus I can just cleverly abbreviate him as TRL.  However, he also points out that everyone online already does this, so I don't think I will.  Because *dammit*, when do I *ever* steal jokes from other people???

-- ...Don't answer that.  (MY GOD!  I RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!)

-- Er, anyway.  TRL talks to Heyman, all, Bitch, stop trying to kill people, it's *my* ass on the line.
TL: "They had to use the Jaws of Life!  THE JAWS OF LIFE!"
me: "Hey, they used the Jaws of Life on Kane, too!  One more thing he and Mark have in common.  Ah, family bonding."

-- Oh, wait, then he says Mark wasn't in the hearse when they pried it open.  Alas, I suppose he and Glen will have to bond over something else instead.

-- Paul E: "HEIDENREICH doesn't care!  He's going to go to that ring and recite POETRY!"

-- Raw Rebound:  OMG WE WERE THERE.  Flair singlehandedly loses the Dubba sponsor-money, Ceej is up against everyone (which really, is nothing new), the Dub decides we can't *possibly* handle having that many choices and randomly pushes Jericho/Rhyno, and by the way, Randy Orton is very hot.

-- Backstage, a hoarse-sounding Kurt exposits that he has a bronchial infection, and will therefore send Jindrak to whup the Big Show, because, you know, that'll happen.  Elsewhere, Show, in shadow, has apparently decided to shave his head, or something.

-- commercials

-- TRL books DiBradshaw vs. Holly *again* (OMGWHY), with hardcore rules.  The really important question is: why does he have a framed picture of Vince in his office?  Suckup.

-- Kurt comes out, sits down at the announce table, and then stares forward, ignoring them completely.  His eyes look nice.

-- MC/T don't really care that he's not answering, and keep talking to him anyway, I guess because they're bored or something.  Sidenote: when Cole tries to ask Kurt about his bronchial infection, he stumbles over it, saying, "brock -- bronchial", and somewhere, my cold dead ex-shipper heart sniffles.

-- You know...Kurt needs a new subtext-interest.  Preferably not LTA.  I mean, I just want him to be happy!

-- Anyway, LTA tries to interfere, Eddie stops him, Kurt tries to help Marky, and it doesn't work.  Show's all bitchplease.  Eddie looks like a midget.

-- More Trips2.  He makes fun of Josh for being a goober.  Which he is.

-- Omigod, next time, remind me to just count how many times in one promo that guy can use the word "cool".

-- We kind of like him, though.  I'm not sure if that makes us sad bastards.  Although, in my head, I've already jumped ahead to the point when the Dubba starts marketing bears with Afros and Hawaiian shirts.

-- commercials

-- Cole: "Thanks to the fans who saw No Mercy on PPV and WWE.com --"
Jay: "Yeah, the whole 10 people who watched it."

-- KIDMAN IS USING THE SHITTY MUSIC AGAIN.  WAH.  Also, he's wearing, like, the top half of a Ric Flair Porn Robe.

-- Anyway, Kidman's fighting Charlie (MMM, CHARLIE).  They talk a bit about his engagement to Jackie.  Hey, Charlie: don't put in a hot tub, man.  That's all I'm sayin.

-- Kidman climbs up for the SSP, and Jackie drapes herself over Charlie.  Kid gestures for her to get out of the way.  I, meanwhile, yell, [BSV] "DO IT.  DO IT." [/BSV]

-- He *does* give her a spinebuster, throws Charlie out, and drags her to the corner, threatening to SSP her.  You know, when he climbs up the turnbuckle, the crowd's all, "OMGWTFBBQ", and when he climbs back down without doing it, they boo.  What fickle whores.

-- Sidenote: when he runs out to check on Jackie, Rico gets a mini-pop.  Rico = entertainment.

-- commercials

-- Moments Ago, Kidman went CRAYZAY (and kind of looks better that way).

-- Backstage, Virglando marks out for Booker T, who isn't havin that crap from a Slave To The Man.

-- Photo recap again, because...no, I can't even make up a reason.  Hey, the hearse blew up before the truck hit it.  Lamerz.

-- commercials

-- Cole/Tazz show us some Tough Enough clips.  These bitches are fuckin *scary*.  C/T are busy laughing at them, then Heidi's music hits, and just the *silence*.  And the *look*.  My poor woobies.

-- Heidi has a huge, real-looking bruise on his face and chest.  See, kids, when you're going to attempt vehicular homicide, you should still buckle up for safety.

-- Jay: "...Did he just pull that poem out of his crotch?"

-- HEIDENREICH reminds me of a sociopathic version of that guy from Grosse Pointe Blank.

-- I walked out and missed something, but when I come back, he's in the crowd, and then the screen goes black.
Jay: "See, they had to cut the segment short because it was just too brutal."

-- commercials

-- Cole: "Ladies and gentlemen, many of the fans are still terrified --"
Jay (glancing at the people behind the table, who are mugging as usual): "Oh yeah, they look *really* scared."

-- Okay, Cena needs to either stop being hot or stop being a dork, because that's a bad combo for me.

-- Anyway.  Bitch is showboating all over the place.  I mean, I know it's your hometown, but *still*.  You attention-whore.

-- Hey, somewhere I stopped paying attention, and they went to commercials.  They're back, though.  Wait, this match is *two* quarters long?  Oy.

-- Okay, so, short version: Triple C cheats to win.  Yup.
Jay: "Wow, John, what a champion *you* are.  Losing your first title defense in your hometown."
me: "*That* is booking."

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