Raw, 10/10/05
(where everyone has a Homecoming Hangover, fate mocks me (or maybe just Vince does), and there is officially nothing sacred left in this world.)

--  The Powa Is Back...I guess that *is* the new opener.

-- Homecoming package, mostly Austin/McMahon(s)-centric.
Jay: "I like how they blocked out [Linda's] horrible sell of the Stunner."

-- Hey, it's Steph!  She looks good, even with the blond.

-- Coach: "Last time we saw Stephanie McMahon, she was flat on her back --"
me: "Heh."

-- Dude, I just realized, she looks like Kelly Clarkson with that fake blond hair.  Anyway, she talks about how everyone hates her because she's just so fabulous, and you can *hear* the crowd getting progressively more pissed at her.

-- ...Okay, wait.  Men, women, and children are all intimidated by her?  *Why* exactly are children intimidated by her?

-- A crew guy tells her to wrap it up, so she comes down and slaps him.  Then she slaps Lilian too, giving her another whack in the back of the head for good measure.  *Then* she knocks down a cameraman who's in her way.  DIVA FIT.

-- Steph hops on top of the announce table:
me: "OMG, she's going to table dance?!"

-- Steph: "I bet you all think I'm a bitch, huh?  Well, the bitch is back!"
I bust out laughing for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with wrestling.  Elsewhere in Texas, someone hates me.

-- commercials, featuring ScaryCaffeinated!Burger King, who is unfortunately cut off before he can be fey again.

(-- sidenote: there's a commercial for The Hunted where they mention Tommy Lee (meaning Jones) going into the woods, and my mom asks, "What, is that the new season?  First he went to college, and now he's going to the woods?"  BWA.)

-- ...Uh, Doink is here.  Unfortunately, it is probably not CJ this time.
Jay: "Seriously.  What the fuck is going on with this company tonight?"

-- Doink is here to fight Rob Conway.  Isn't this Randy Orton's gimmick?

-- Doink toys with the crowd a bit, and nearly gives us some Conway ass, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but doesn't come through.

-- Jay: "I still wanna know what the point of having Doink The Clown on this show is.  We already *have* a clown on this show: Eugene."

-- The heel announcers (I don't remember which one of them did it) talk up Conway's obvious legend-in-the-making status (no, really, *isn't* this Randy Orton's gimmick?), to which Jay comments, "First you have to have some crowd reaction before you can be a legend."

-- Coach calls RC a future hall-of-famer (much like Kittie).  HA here comes Eugene -- yeah.  He is taken out.
Coach: "When was the last time you saw two clowns laying in the ring together?"

-- The announce team comments on the JR-firing rumors, which lead one to believe they're probably not true.  Then they play a vid of the Hunter/Flair disintegration, which ends with the soundclip of Flair yelling his devotion.  Awww, my poor dead gay Mafia.

-- Oh, the new set is still here, by the way.  I really like it.

-- commercials, wherein Jet Li is Unleashed, and not unleshed.

-- Jay says, "Here comes the HHH interview," but instead we come back to the Cabana.  Carlito professes loyalty to the McMahons, but says that he wants to talk about the #1 Contender situation, and out comes teh Kurt.  He starts slurring around his mouthpiece defending himself, only to be interrupted by teh Shawn.

-- They bicker.  Kurt says he's Raw's meal ticket, and does some more dodgy retcon, this time about the timing of his title reign.  Seriously, I'm starting to think that the reason the writers always expect us to have amnesia is that the *talent* has amnesia.

-- Big Show takes his turn interrupting, saying that he's been waiting "pacingly" (what?  oh, *patiently*) for his title shot, but he's realized that's folly, because he could totally step on all of them.  Entertainingly, Shawn pulls up a chair and grabs a tropical drink.  Ha.

-- Now, of course, out comes the happy family of Adam, Amy, and the briefcase.
Adam: "Last week I became a CAREER KILLER."

-- He says there shouldn't be any title shots until his, or something.  Carlito's all "bitch plz", and thinks *he* should be a contender.  Why?  I don't know.  Just because.  I don't argue with Carlito.

-- Out comes Cena, who decides to drop some rhymes on us, starting with Shawn's perpetual gayness.  Then he HITS ON KURT LIKE WHOA.  (Wow, Jay was right -- I *should* have been paying closer attention to that angle.)  He also makes fun of Big Show's package (now, now, you can't fool us -- you can kill a man with that thing), throws Carlito a choking hazard, says that Amy's a breeding ground for disease (HA HA Adam gives her this look like O_o) and then to Ad proclaims, "John Cena is like a pinwheel" AND PROCEEDS TO PULL OUT A PINWHEEL "-- you can go ahead and blow me."

-- Oh, Johnnykins.  How I missed your cheerful subtextual manwhorishness.

-- commercials

-- During The Break, Maria was in the BischCave, but they won't play it because it's a web exclusive.  Apparently Bisch made a 6-man tag with everyone who was in the proceeding segment.  Well, except Amy.  But she'll be there anyway.

-- Disasterpiece.  Coach (hushed): "We've gotta bring it down a notch."

-- A HA HA HA HA HA HE GOT OWNED BY TAJIRI IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS ENTRANCE.  Tajiri kicks him around (and Jay comments on how he went from feuding with Shawn "right back to feuding with Tajiri!"), but the Diz gets the Master Lock on eventually.  We discuss the way in which no one cares.

-- Trips stalks the hallways, and his shirt and tie look very nice with the bright blue walls.  Anyway, he runs into Shawn (YAY H/S), who is, of course, all up in his area.  Shawn says that what he did to Flair was too much, but Hunter just laughs.  He continues onward, and everyone is standing around giving him the evil eye (YOU SEE, HUNTER?  SHAWN WAS TRYING TO WARN YOU BECAUSE YOUR LOVE IS SO TRUE!), and then he runs into Show, who threatens him, and all of a sudden it's not so funny to dear Trips.  Then he backs into Cena, who's all, "I don't know you, but you a bit of a punk, ain'tcha", and Hunner's all, "OH NO YOU DIDN'T" and Cena's all, "OH YES I DID."  Trips walks into a crew guy, throws him around (just to diffuse some of the tension?), and tosses his surprisingly good-looking hair.
JR: "What did...buh...*damn*."

-- commercials

-- No Mercy recapishness, which is interesting because they don't give away any results.  Well, other than Randy's attempt to barbecue Mark, because I guess they figured we probably knew that.

-- Trips' music.  Jay: "Now *here* comes your 15-minute interview."

-- JR: "He is a thinking man's killer."  I think there is literally nothing I can add to that.

-- I love the giant sparkly title belt sign those guys are holding, but I can't help but feel bad for, like, the *two* rows behind them.

-- Hunner talks about how Flair "was" the best thing EVAR, and how he rehabilitated Naitch when he was all worn-down.  And then Carlito spit apple at Flair and Hunter was all disillusioned?  Or something.

-- He comments on how Flair made it off the rope.  HEH.
Trips: "And Ric Flair *cheered* because he finally did one thing right."

-- He says that when Flair won the IC and "celebrated his mediocrity", Trips cried emo tears and decided he had to do what needed to be done:
Trips: "I took the horse out behind the barn..."
I laugh, because I'm evil.

-- He argues against the crowd, who have decided they want Flair.  BTW, Hunner looks like a bit of a douche in extreme closeup.  JR mentions how "degridating" (what?) it is, and Trips walks off to much hatred.  Maybe he and Steph *should* hook back up on TV, heh.

-- commercials

-- DOOM segment, where Rocky aspires to be the baddest man on the planet, and randomly insults Lilian Garcia (who is amused).

-- Lilian is still laughing as she intros Trish for her match with Victoria.  Victoria, according to her shirt, is anti-Trish.

-- The Matrix Move, btw, is now the Matrish (because she is a GEEK).  Vic goes for the DEADLY SNAP SUPLEX (tm), and pulls, *pulls* Trish's legs way up in the air.  Wow.

-- Jerry: "Did [Victoria] steal those trunks from Rob Conway?"  I WAS THINKING THAT.  Ha.

-- Vicky drops the Stratusphere into a submission, and it looks like she might win (as she's pretty much had this entire match), but Trish gets a suplex and a bridge to take it.  Vicky does not handle this well.  Avril runs out to attack her, and Victoria mocks her with her monkey pants, giving her a PUNT that makes me giggle.  A new girl then runs down and OWNS Victoria 7-1, handing the belt to Trish in a fangirly manner.  Trish wears a prominent WTF face.

-- Jay: "She can throw a punch better than all the other chicks combined!" (which is true.)
Jerry: "The crowd seems to like her!"
me: "The crowd likes her TOP."

-- commercials

-- Backstage, T&AII get accosted by the new girl.  Literally.  She's OMG TRISH'S BIGGEST FAN ELEVENTYONE, and gives her a crazy squeeze and peck on the cheek.  Trish is still all O_O.

-- Heels come out for the 6-man.  OOH, Coat!Adam.  Split screen to show Vince pulling up in his limo, which makes me afraid that he's just going to bust out in the middle of this match, like he has a bad habit of doing.

-- commercials

-- Possibly something happened during the commercials, 'cause Adam's music is playing again.  Dammit, Shane, you're really working *hard* to get us to go to the website, aren't you?  (Oh, you *know* it's always Shane's fault.)  Anyway, the faces come out, and the heels stealthly sneak out of the ring while Big Show's on his way down.  Heh.

-- The match, thus far, is your basic 6-man yadda-yadda.  HA Carlito does the best sell of a Big Show chop I've ever seen.

-- commercials
Jay: "See, he should've just wound up and *punched* John Cena in the face!"
me: "Maybe he *did* and we could only see it on the website!"

-- We come back to John Cena as YOUR Manwhore In Peril.  He suplexes Carlito to tag Shawn --
Jay: "Now Shawn is going to be YOUR Christian In Peril."
me: "Wait, but --"

-- He goes for SCM, gets caught up in the crowd *counting* the Band Stomps (WTF?) and is clotheslined by a sneaky Kurt to become what Jay said.

-- LIKE, SERIOUSLY, WITH THE BODY SCISSORS, GUYS.

-- Anyway, Shawn's basically piled on and speared on the floor, which means...

-- commercials
(Mom: "Why is it always Shawn?  Is he the only one who can act?"
me: "It's all about DRAMA with Shawn!  Besides, when the other team members are the champion and BIG SHOW, you're pretty much stuck taking the abuse.")

-- AND there's Shawn powering out of a resthold.  Yes.  Corner Spot, belly-to-belly.  We spend the time randomly discussing onscreen politics:
Jay: "If Vince fires Bischoff, Stephanie could be general manager."
my brain: "NO NOT BISCH."
me: (*ignores it*) "Ha, she would, too.  You *know* after that interview that she's gonna be back causing trouble."

-- Sign: "READ MY SIGN"

-- Shawn tags Big Show to be our Highrise Afire, who takes out the entire team, yells "you can't see me" and then tags Cena.  Cena and Kurt fight, Edge with a chair gets in trouble with Show on the outside, Carlito & Kurt doubleteam, Ankle Lock, Cena reverses, Kurt gets a ROLLUP for the win.  Kurt jumps up and down on the ramp, helpfully pulling out his mouthpiece in order to be hot.

-- Earlier Tonight, Steph worked her slappin hand.  Backstage, Vince stalks.

-- Sign: "What happened to all the charisma?"  Oh, honey, it's on Smackdown now.

-- commercials

-- Jay: "Oh, Kane's coming back?"
me: "Why?"

-- Vince comes out.  They give screentime to a sign reading "Your Fired" [sic], which literally makes me ill.  During The Break, Vince headed into the BischCave and apparently said Bisch is safe.  Whew!

-- Vince: "[Austin] stunned every McMahon family member!"
Jay: "He didn't stun the *baby*!"

-- Vince says that, as he left last week, someone asked him what he was going to do (me: "It wasn't SOMEONE, it was Todd!").  He talks about firing, and blame, and Austin, who he's not going to blame or fire.  Wait, what?

-- Vince: "I blame each and every one of you --"
me: "OMG, he's going to fire the fans?"

-- He does.  We both agree that's the lamest thing ever.  Then he calls down the announce team, so hey, maybe he's going to fire JR after all.  Coach totally hauls ass down to the ring, heh.

(-- Awww, Vince says Shane is tougher than him.  <3  Random Shane luv.)

-- Vince (re: Linda): "My God, I worship the ground that woman walks on!"
Jay: "Yeah, you've really shown it the past five years."

-- He wants the AT to apologize for not intervening.  (Because, yeah, announcers do that ALL THE TIME.  ...Unless you're talking about Tazz protecting Cole.)  Coach does, with a side of asskissing.  Jerry also does, grudgingly.  JR, on the other hand, adamantly sticks to, "I'm sorry your wife got stunned."  Oh, JR.

-- Vince says that his kids are there, and he wants JR to apologize to his kids -- dammit, if they're both there, why is SHE coming out?  JR sticks to his guns, and Vince calls out SHANE, and DAMMIT IT'S FRIGGING LINDA, STOP FUCKING WITH ME, VINCE.

-- Linda and Stephanie now have the same hair color.  I just want to point that out.

-- Anyway, Linda -- fires JR?  WTF, Evil Linda?  That's just...not right.  Then she kicks him in the nuts.  Nice.

-- As a sidenote, as the McMahons evilly celebrate their evilosity, Vince *again* shouts out to Shane, who refuses to show up.  WTF.  Now it's personal, biotech.

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