Raw, 10/27/03
(where Caps Lock is overused, Shane has a blast from the past, and Ceej continues
trying to take over the show, but most importantly, It's Evolution, Baby.)
-- Previously on Raw: The newlywed shows us his phat cash. Goldberg growls at Shawn. Hunter then guarantees results (much like Tony Little did), and The Fearsome DAVE returns to reunite The Mafia. NONE MORE GAY!
-- Well, okay, *currently* None More Gay…because the Kliq was *so* Much More Gay. Ah…memories. It's nice of Hunner to try and keep the dream alive. (Much like The Tribe.)
-- Er, anyway. Jay says the clips in the opener are new, and I fail to notice.
-- They're in Amy Country today, and a cage is hanging over the ring. You know what that means, people: Chick In A Cell!
-- The Mafia, sans the newest McMahon, comes out. Oh, wait, most people would consider this *Flair* Country, not Amy Country, huh. My bad.
-- *TFD* is here. This means I may now freely ignore Randy Orton. Putz.
-- …Theirluvissorandomandtrue.
-- Flair asks the crowd if they paid to see Gb. They boo. Woohoo!
-- Wait for it…it's time for Batista to cut a DYNAMIC PROMO! …The crowd is really fuckin loud.
-- TFD says it was an honor that Trips wanted Gb taken out. You know, that kinda makes sense, in HunterLogic.
-- SUCH. SUBTEXTUAL. GAY.
-- There's a chick with a flashing necklace. It distracts me.
-- Randy wants the title to go back to Trips, and Bisch shows up, looking peeved.
-- RANDY. IS A HUGE WHORE.
-- You know, dude…TFD isn't really that tall.
-- Bisch, like the rest of us, hates the Strong Monkey. Gawd bless 'im.
-- Bisch taunts Gb with the title, holding it upside down as he does so. He threatens to give it away again like the giant Mardi Gras bead it is.
-- Stone Cold stares at the bag like there's snakeburgers in it, and proceeds to pull a bird out of it.
-- You know…I just realized that, with the snakeburgers joke there, it makes it sound like Austin pulled an actual bird out of the bag. Heh.
-- Flair is staring at Austin with his mouth open. It's distracting.
-- Austin just called Flair old in Flair Country. Ohhhhhhhhh.
-- Oh yeah, this segment has officially decided that at Survivor Series, we get to have Trips vs. Gb times infinity. Woo. Buyrates.
-- GET HIM DAVE!!!
-- TFD's upset that Austin bashed (and I quote) "The Evolution". Bravo, Batista. Stick up for Eddie.
-- Jindrak and Cade attack Flair and Orton while TFD's busy threatening Austin. Huh. They may get those bastards over yet.
-- We're told that later, we'll have Shane vs. a mystery opponent. Jay has already figured it out: it will, of course, be Katie Vick. That bitch is out for revenge, yo.
-- commercials
-- Trish and Amy hang out in bras. Gratuitously. There are boas in the background. Also gratuitously.
-- Chris apparently called Trish. Ames is understandably suspicious, and goes to investigate. One picks up detective skills when one spends years with the Hardy Boys. Ba-dum-bum.
-- Hey, Rico still works there! And, as Jay points out, he's wearing Brutus The Barber tights.
-- JR: "Booker T explodes in Rico's face!" …Dude, that's just wrong. Think before you speak.
-- JR: "And Booker T wins it…convincingly!" Naw shit. Jay's not even back from getting drinks yet.
-- CJ interrupts the Spinarooni for an impromptu Highlight Reel. His shirt…is fucking *fascinating*.
-- Speaking of fashion…Jay (the other one) dresses like such a gayboy.
-- Oh, we find out that the cage is here because Team Bisch intends to trap Booker inside. RVD manages to save him before the cage comes down all the way, joining Team Austin in the process.
-- …I wanna take Christian to a GAY BAR. HE'S A SUPERSTAR.
-- commercials. Shane v. Kane promises to result in Shane's premature death, and Brock gives good line delivery in the new video game commercial.
-- Boot of the Week: The blacks hold down the Jews.
-- …I can't believe I just typed that. It's like this is the half-assed version of the Mop-Up.
-- Oh, wait…this *is* a half-assed version of the Mop-Up.
-- Meanwhile, Ceej and Bisch throw a fit. Ceej yells, "Van Dammit!" I wub him.
-- Anyway, he's gonna fight RVD to send a message to Austin, i.e., that people shouldn't join his team. Dude, people will *always* be stupid enough to join Team Austin.
-- Teddy Long is pissed because The Man cost Mark Henry mad Benjamins. He wants to take it out on a "Stone Cold-lovin white boy".
-- Lance arrives. Jay: "See, he thought he heard 'Cracker Barrel', that's why he came running out."
-- Jay changes the channel, and by the time we come back, Shawn's already come out and laid out MH. YEAH!
-- He goes and hi-fives the troops, jogging past Lance, who's bungin. Or, at least, that's what my notes say, but there is of course that I have no idea what the fuck "bungin" is.
-- Oh, shit…I just realized that's supposed to say "loungin". Dude, it took me two weeks to figure this out. I am completely serious. Damn.
-- commercials
-- Some dude talks to Hurrishane. Ha! Rosey's the photog for the paper. That's just great. I wonder if that means I have to write him onto the Herald now. Hmmm.
-- Some dude shares with Hurrishane who (or what, ahem) "Little Johnny" is. Shane is freaked out. I don't want to know.
-- Elsewhere, Ames is way confused by Jay (the other one) and his talk of history. DUDE. AMY/JAY. I'm even willing to buy the fact that he's straight if they give me that angle.
-- …However, I still want to spend all his money…AT THE GAY BAR.
-- OH. SHANE-O. SUCH HOTNESS.
-- Dammit, I hate when they have three good segments in a row. I never have enough time to write anything intelligent about them. Hang on…no, I don't write anything intelligent even when I *do* have more time. Never mind.
-- commercials
-- Stand back, Hurrishane and some guy are coming through.
-- Oh, in case you were curious, some guy's name is apparently Heindereich. Or something like that.
-- Conway does something that looks like a Test Drive off the top rope. That's pretty boss.
-- Shane's hair is pretty.
-- As you can tell from that, I don't have much to say about this match. They should let Some Guy in. Everyone knows you need the Germans to beat the French.
-- …That was pretty wrong.
-- Some Guy is BIG. Sort of like Kev, without the beer gut.
-- Anyway, they win, and Hurrishane slaps his pec a few times. (Yes, this is what it says. I am unsure if his own pec is the one being slapped or if it's Some Guy's, but either way, I am somewhat disturbed.)
-- JR comments that SG is "an American through and through". Um…how do we know that, exactly? We thought that about Conway, too. Tool.
-- commercials
-- JR not only likes Fred Durst, but maintains that Shanage is all man. I think we need to get him a lie detector.
-- Shane, on the other hand, needs a urine test. Sweetie, crystal meth is bad for you.
-- Drew comes out, all pissy. Drew! Shane/Drew! They're like Clex. Except not.
-- …Can you really wrestle with a broken foot?
-- …Old-School, yo. Such old school. I'd go read BW/TSA if I hadn't done so a couple months ago. Heh.
-- Shane coughs like he has my cold. Poor guy.
-- Dude, Drew's mouth is bleeding. Shane just keeps fucking him up, doesn't he.
-- Kane's pyro finally goes off, because they don't give away the Van Terminator on free TV.
-- We also learn why Drew no longer does the Pump Handle Slam, because Shane reverses it into a DDT on the trash can. Heh.
-- Shane gets the Van Terminator (so much for that theory) and pins Drew. I thought he grabbed his nuts. Also heh.
-- Shane then grabs the mic and threatens Kane. He asks if he's having second thoughts. Dude, I thought he was gonna ask about Katie Vick.
-- Shane-O: "Kane, show your face." (beat) "I said, come on, Kane, show your
face." (pause)
me: "Dammit, Kane, that's your fucking cue!"
-- Due to the lack of Kane, Shane goes after Drew's foot (insult to injury, people).
-- Shane (to Kane): "I'm the only man who can get as sick and twisted as you." Yes, he learned it in the Minicorp.
-- K v. S will now be an Ambulance Match. Stupid Ambulance! With your goddamn fucking sirens! And your letters on backwards!
-- Also, Jay has decided Kane is going to blow up the ambulance with Shane inside it. It's like 90210. It'll be beautiful.
-- commercials. Listen to Macho Man throw down, because Hulk Hogan is a really big punk. Or something.
-- Women's Four-Way. Stevie's got pigtails. He…scares, yet entertains.
-- Dude, I just realized that in the bra segment, Ames was putting on a shirt that you then never see her wear. Go continuity.
-- Molly comes out to glare threateningly at the ring. She looks hawt, in a trashy way.
-- Dude, they should *always* have chick four-ways. They're fucked up.
-- You know…I want Janet's job, man. I don't remember what made me say so, but it's true. Memo to self: go to beauty school.
-- commercials
-- Coach comes out to review Austin's book, which he says amused him. Go, you Oprah wannabe, go.
-- *I* am amused because C says A's a big fat liar, but encourages you to buy the book anyway. Even heels shill for faces around here.
-- I really think the TA vs. TB stip is no-win. If you ask I'll explain why, but it's rather dry.
-- Jindrak = Ratings. Anyhow, Shawn comes out to pep talk 'em.
-- Shawn: "You can make friends, or you can make an impact." (He's totally lying - sometimes you can do both. VIVA LA KLIQ!)
-- commercials
-- O/F vs. J/C. Maven comes out to even the sides (please; as if he is a match for *TFD*), and to remind us that this will be the end of unibrows.
-- This match needs more cowbell.
-- Jindrak beat Flair in Flair Country. WTFBBQ?
-- DAVE OWNZ YOU. I don't remember specifically why. But he does.
-- JR states that the future of Raw is Orton and Batista. At the very least, the future of my fics.
-- commercials
-- Rob vs. Ceej. Oh, yeah. JR says it's about spite, which we both hear as Spike. Insert a joke here in which I make it about Spike.
-- Within 10 seconds, Jeri breaks out both "ASKHIM" and "king of the woooorld!". Spaz.
-- JR: "I can't believe that for the first time Austin's putting his career,
his future, his life in the hands of other men."
SO NOT THE FIRST TIME. DIRTY SLUT.
-- Ceej steals the RVD pose, cause he is a dork. Dude, I really should be watching this instead of writing about it.
-- Apparently, the WoJ is *deadly*. Who knew.
-- Bisch runs out like a bat out of hell, and distracts the ref long enough to get Ceej the belt.
-- However, Austin ain't havin it, bringing down the cage again for Ceej's first title defense, against Rob, natch.
-- Bisch throws a fit which culminates in accidentally bumping Austin, before running like hell.
-- commercials
-- Overrun in the cage. I got no jokes left.
-- Come on, people! You have eight minutes left! Hustle!
-- They crash off the top rope in a true clusterfuck of a move.
-- The door gets kicked into Ceej's head, and I encourage it, proving that I am in fact a sadist. RVD, in the meantime, wins.
-- Jay (the other one) comes out to defend his boy!!! …Oh yeah, and that Steiner guy comes out too.
-- This disintegrates into 10 guys locked in the cage, including a flying Booker T.
-- A bladed Jeri sits atop the cage, spreads his arms wide and laughs, looking somewhat like the devil, and dammit, he's so hot that I want him even all bloodied up. It's TurnedToQuake!Jericho. I love it. Mmm.
-- Uh…and that's it. I need to start coming up with clever quips at the end again, don't I. Oh well. (*runs away*)