Raw, 11/17/03
(where The Mafia continues to own me, and love is no match for EEEEVIL, unless
you're Chris Jericho, in which case you get to have it both ways.)
-- Instead of the usual "ATTITUDE! ENTERTAINMENT! BOO! YAY!", we get Bisch
spray-painting out Austin's face on the picture in his office. Ha!
-- Note, however, that he did not instead take the picture down, or set it on fire, or something. B/A. Twisted, but there, yo.
-- After that, we get a package summing up Austin's little forced retirement,
ending with a shot of the two beer cans sitting in the middle of the ring,
because that should theoretically touch our black hearts.
Jay: "Bye, Steve. See you in two months."
-- We open with a mirror shot of the cans, which Bisch happily stomps, proclaiming death to all who oppose him.
-- He then offers a favor to each member of Team Bischoff, to be used for anything at any time they want. Trouble!
-- The Mafia interrupts this festival of self-congratulation. (Ahem: TFD = Teh Sex. That is all.)
-- Randy immediately ditches TB to go stand with The Mafia. Heh. Of course.
-- They swing the camera around the crowd to show the people chanting ASSHOLE, and manage not to find a single person who is. Oops. Totally piped-in, man! THIS IS A CONSPIRACY!
-- …O/B! SO CUTE!
-- Hunter (to Bisch): "That's awfully white of you, Eric -" (to MH and TL) "-no offense, guys." …What?
-- Trips says the sledgehammer is why Goldberg won. Right, except for the part where Trips was the *only* person in the ring who didn't get hit with the sledgehammer. Tool.
-- Anyway, tonight, we will get H/B/O (heh…that's pretty keen) vs. Strong Monkey. Yup.
-- The Mafia and Bisch leave, all self-satisfied, while Team Bisch stands around like, "Um…are we done?" Oh, Jay (the other one) is wearing the gay striped shirt, in case you were wondering. Because I'm sure you were.
-- commercials. Including the JeriPorn commercial! That's how you *know* I have to go to the Garden show - they advertise it with JeriPorn.
-- Rewind: MH taking out Booka. Dammit. Stupid MH.
-- Now they will fight each other, and Booker T will try to right this hellacious wrong. …That makes me sound like JR, doesn't it.
-- Jay: "It's Booker T versus a fatter, hairier Booker T."
me: "Dude, wasn't that an episode of South Park?"
-- BT uses the Westley vs. Fezzik strategy of fighting against MH. Doesn't quite work as well, though. Oh well.
-- You know, MH and BT's outfits are color-coordinated, even. It's like they *are* evil clones.
-- JR: "It's body-on-body."
Jay: "Okay, those are two bodies I don't want to picture on each other."
-- JR: "Mark Henry teetering and tottering but not going down!"
me: "Much like a Weeble."
-- Sign: "Preparation HHH". What makes it is the fact that someone took the time to draw out a decent Hunter logo for it.
-- Booker cheated to win. Ha! JR doesn't mind. See, because it's okay when the faces do it.
-- commercials, including an Austin special, new Cena YJStinger spot, and the Two Towers Extended DVD. HELLS YES.
-- The wwe.com website is now shown to read, "Pray For The Undertaker". See, Vince *does* promote religion, he's *not* the Devil. Er…yeah. I forgot where I was going with that joke.
-- Viva La Resistance. Hey, does Conway not get one of those gay capes because he's not French? Because that's just not fair.
-- They're fighting Jindrak/Cade. Mmm, Jindrak!Abs. I miss Sean O'Haire. Dammit.
-- Cade (to LR): "We're sick and tired of seeing your crap!"
me: "Yeah. Us too."
-- He plays to the crowd (Cheap Pop! TM Foley) *and* dedicates the match to the Armed Forces, so, um, you and I both can be pretty sure they're gonna win.
-- Jay (re: Shawn): "He's gonna talk about his undying love for Steve Austin. (fondly) 'It was love since the first time he flipped me off. Even though he kicked my ass and retired me, I knew that deep down inside, he really loved me.'"
-- I think I have irreparably warped Jay.
-- Backstage, Dreamer and Maven talk to Shawn. I guarantee you that this is the only time you will see either of them tonight.
-- commercials. Jay: "Cause this is MY United States of MOTHAFUCKAS!!!"
-- Sign: "Hi, Adam! BITE ME!"
(…I just had a flashback to the Brood days.)
-- Shawn interview. Well, not really, as Eric cuts his ass off right away.
-- Shawn (re: Austin): "He and I just approach life differently, and that's
okay."
Me: "In other words, he's a filthy, godless heathen. Not that there's anything
wrong with that."
-- Shawn is upset that Bisch stole the joy from Austin's life (although presumably not his smile) and calls him an "incredible dirtbag". Heh, I'm making that my next LJ name.
-- Bisch responds by guilt tripping him and throwing him out. Ladies and gentlemen, Shizzle Mizzle has left the building.
-- One of those still-photo-recaps of Shane/Kane. Dude, that door shot just never stops being funny. It's like Lauren falling into the closet. Good times.
-- On Thursday, Kane plans to give Mark a eulogy. Awww, now I miss Rocky.
-- Drew/Steiner. Stacy gratuitously plugs Y2JStinger (er, I mean YJStinger - that happens automatically) in the background. It's the new Hansen's Energy Drink, people.
-- RVD bounces through the hallway in purple, for no particular reason other than that he's got a match coming up.
-- commercials
-- RVD is told, at the beginning of the match, that the Five Star has been banned. Um, that's pretty random.
-- Porn In A Robe comes out with Orton, who comes over to commentate.
-- Randy: "Gentlemen, I just want to say it's an honor to grace you with my presence." He's just a big dork, isn't he.
-- I should probably be watching this match, or at least listening so I can make snarky Randy comments, but Jay and I are singing our World Remembrance Songs instead, so you'll have to make it up yourself.
-- JR (as Ort leaves the table): "Wait a minute, where's the pretty boy going?"
-- He goes to distract, and Flair gets in a low blow, but RVD kicks out.
-- Rob goes for the 5-Star *anyway*, Orton knocks him off, DQ-age, and a feud is born.
-- Backstage, Hurrishane and Rosey appear to be playing with puppets, or something equally bizarre.
-- Coach: "This whole S.H.I.T. thing you've got going - it's never gonna fly!" See, it's funny because Shane can fly and Rosey can't, and…oh, forget it.
-- Raw's in Salt Lake City next week, which Bisch says is hella boring. But dude, what about the polygamy?
-- RAW ROULETTE NEXT WEEK! OH HELLS YEAH!
-- It's sad the way in which stupid gimmick matches brighten my day.
-- commercials. Jay: "When you're BROCK LESNAR, you have to SQUEEZE, and
DON'T LOSE, in WHITE PLAINS…or I WILL *FIND* YOU!"
me: "And just to make that all complete - THONG! SPINE! SMASH!"
-- Hey, the Highlight Reel! And it has pyro. Good for him.
-- Ceej takes all the credit for Austin's loss (naturally). He also does the dorky "Bye Steve! Buh-bye Steve!" thing again. Hee.
-- CJ: "One woman's dream was shattered."
Me: "NO! He didn't dump Trish *already*!"
-- Oh, wait, he means Amy. She comes out, all "bitch, please". Not to mention, "Get your hands off of my woman, motherfucker." But that part could just be me.
-- MATTY! MATTY MATTY MATTY! Awww, Ames is so cute.
-- Matt's pants are pretty. They don't make me want to take him to an eye doctor. That's an improvement.
-- Molly comes out, interrupting Matt in the middle of his pseudo-proposal.
-- WHY ISN'T MATT HEELING IT UP. OMG.
-- Ceej nudges the whole lot of them into a match which winds up being Matt/Amy vs. Molly/Bisch. We go on the record as smelling the swerve.
-- Chris is such my bitch. So pretty. V. nice glasses, too.
-- commercials. Aw, man, there just went what was left of Shanny's career.
-- AND WHAT OF CENA, MATT? DID YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?
-- Eh…Cena's busy ratting it up and messing with Bengle, anyway. He won't even notice Matt's gone.
-- ….BUT WHAT OF SHANNON??????????????????
-- Oh, wait, the show's back.
-- Bisch stops Molly. He's all like, um, excuse me? What the shit?
-- Molly's all like, but Eric, baby, I did it for you!
-- …Molly/Eric, man. It's the wave of the future.
-- Duds. Drew/Steiner/Stacy. I think I'll bathroom break now.
-- Damn, it's still on.
-- Jerry: "When a woman starts thinking for herself, you're gonna have trouble.
Nothing but trouble."
JR (under breath): "Now I understand all the divorces." (*snerk*)
-- Stacy refuses to help Drew cheat. Go her.
-- More Matt/Amy. Amy squees all over Trish. It's all very "Isn't my boyfriend the dreamiest?".
-- FUCK IT UP, MATT. FUCK. IT. UP.
-- I mean, I love M/A, but I love Heel!Matt more.
-- commercials. Jay helpfully points out that they reunited Shane/Matt. Hmm. Not worth it.
-- *Shane*/Matt, on the other hand…but they've never done that before and it would be random.
-- BotW: Amy meets turnbuckle. They have a fight. Turnbuckle wins.
-- The match. Bisch didn't even change. Lazy bastard.
-- Jay: "Oh, the jacket came off! Shit's gonna get fucked-up!"
-- OH! Matt just jumped off the apron right before Amy tagged. HEEL!MATT LIVES! I LOVE HIM!
-- Matt's all, "Bitch, you love that title more than me! Shannon didn't give a shit about *his* career! HO!"
-- …Oh, wait…Ames just got fired. Again. Fuck.
-- Dude, this is like the DX Reunion Tease all over again. They're fucking with our emotions.
-- commercials
-- Val, Lance, the Monster, and some hos come out.
-- Rico/Jackie! So, wait. Rico, with Jackie, vs. Val, with Lance. This is some sort of gay/straight war and I can't decide which side is which.
-- Jay (re: Rico): "He's the bastard child of the menage à trois between Brutus the Barber, Rick Martel, and the Ultimate Warrior."
-- One of Lance's hos has a cute outfit.
-- JR is just generally pissed off at Jerry, and I haven't been paying enough attention to know why.
-- Jay: "I can't decide who's worse, JR or Coach."
Me: "That's like asking if you'd rather die by stabbing or poison."
Mom: "One's slower."
Me: "Good point."
Jay: "This *better* be going in your recap."
-- Jackie just discovered The Monster, up close and personal. She is shocked and disturbed…or perhaps…intrigued?
-- A sniffly Amy wanders around backstage with all her stuff (and her little dog too). Jay shows up and says he's using his favor to get her her job back. DUDE. HE'S SO GOING TO SCORE TONIGHT.
-- …… (at the GAY BAR)
-- I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. Ignore that part.
-- commercials
-- I don't understand what's the big deal about this basketball guy.
-- MAFIA! As usual, R babbles, H egos, F backs it up, and TFD looks hot.
-- Trish/Chris. Trish is all, "Bitch, your ass has split personalities."
-- SPLIT PERSONALITY CHRIS. Her ass better watch out if he gets anywhere near a hammer and duct tape. That's all I'm sayin.
-- Hey, wait…they're finally gonna…
-- DO IT. DO IT, YOU FUCKING PUSSIES.
-- Kissage!
-- …….
-- …………..
-- Jay (threatening): "Oh, he's gonna get it now."
Me: (about five seconds later, w/ dilated pupils): "I WANT TO RAVISH HIM."
-- …KUB/RC shippers unite. Or, well, they would, if there were any.
-- commercials
-- Mafia again. Coming out for the match.
-- …Dammit, I wanna make out with Chris Jericho. It's not *fair*.
-- …Okay, Mafia. Right. Focus.
-- …SO HOT.
-- Dammit.
-- I need to think sobering thoughts, to get back on track here. Oh, good, Goldberg. Nothing kills the libido like Goldberg.
-- Mmm, Dave.
-- Okay, at least I'm concentrating again. Sort of.
-- Gb throws Randy at Trips/TFD. Evolution Pile!!!
-- Awww, B tried to catch him. That's cute.
-- Jay (after tag): "Oh, here comes Dave."
Me (frighteningly guttural voice): "YEAH."
-- I'm sorry, I cannot possibly make calling a match with Goldberg in it interesting. Even if it *does* involve the entire Mafia.
-- Dude, these bitches tag every time I look down.
-- JR: "HOW IS GOLDBERG CONTROLLING THESE THREE AWESOME ATHLETES?"
me: "Hypnotism?"
-- Jay thought Gb was going to kick out of the three finishers he just got. That would have made more sense. Unfortunately, this is not a PPV.
-- No matter how pricktastic he is, Confused!Hunner is always hot.
-- Kane shows up, and not only chokeslams Gb, but gives him a wedgie, too. Heh, that makes it worth it.
-- JR: "KANE HAS ASSAULTED THE WORLD'S CHAMPION!"
Jay: (bursts into applause) "Bravo to Kane."
-- And that's it. No, wait, first, I want to point out this show's sad lack of Shane-O.
-- …Okay, now I'm done.