Unforgiven, 9/12/04
(where I inexplicably recap a pay-per-view that's not Wrestlemania. So, I was really, really bored, apparently.)

-- The riff in this theme song sounds like Fight Song at the beginning, and then degenerates into something like Buckcherry.

-- Unforgiven, in case you were wondering, is sponsored by Clearsil For Men.  Wait, WTF?  Because Clearsil was such as gender-specific product before?

-- Sign: "Other People Lita Slept With", with arrows pointing in all directions.  Heh.

-- JR & King throw us to an intro from the Spanish Announce Team.  (Have they always done that?)  They say something about Shawn/Kane that involves "en fuego".

-- TFD/Flair.  Flair wears the Gryff robe (even though he is *totally* a Slytherin) and Dave wears gold/red to match.  Hey, Wardrobe Game's money is on Evo.

-- Jerry: "Eugene's probably at home watching the radio."

-- Dave cut his hair v. short.  It doesn't look bad, though.

-- Benny slaps him around a bit and tags out.  Dave is so preoccupied that he pretty much doesn't even *look* at Regal, until after he gets the chance to give Benoit an entirely anticipated cheap shot.

-- JR tries to tell us that Regal being a lefty is a big deal, that it somehow makes him EVEN MORE DANGEROUS.  Or something, I never did quite figure it out.

-- I'm always amazed at the way Flair does those crooked-looking backdrops and manages to straighten them out at the end.

-- He FlairFlops right in front of the corner.  You know, if he had his hand out, that could've been a tag, and I suspect Dave was just thinking the same thing, because he throws a little bitchfit.

-- Flair thumbs Regal, who screams like someone ripped his ear off.

-- Jerry, meanwhile, keeps playing with the Eugene/radio joke.  So, at least he entertains himself.

-- JR: "Ric Flair may be thinking about the Figure Four Leglock."
Jerry: "Ric Flair is *always* thinking about the Figure Four Leglock."
me: "ALWAYS?"
Jerry: "He goes to sleep thinking about the Figure Four Leglock."

-- JR calls TFD's shoulders cannonballs, and this leads to JR and Jerry bitching a bit about each other's announce styles.

-- JR: "Benoit must think this is Oktoberfest, with those Germans!"

-- Benoit puts the Crossface on Flair, and TFD just *lifts* him off.  Heh.

-- JR calls The Spinebuster of Destrucity an "Arn Anderson spinebuster".  Guys...the beer's on ice!

-- TFD flies into the crowd, Benoit & Regal win, TFD freaks, and Regal looks like a vampire.

-- Incidentally, in my notes, I accidentally wrote down that Evo won, which made the previous sentence really confusing, and led to this:
Jay: "Unless Benoit and Regal are the New Evolution...that's it!  Regal is the past, Benoit is the present, and Eugene is the future."

-- Backstage, Trishtian bicker over who gets Tomko for the night.  (Cracks in the unit!  Yay!)  Trish complains that she needs T2 more, because she has to worry about CrazyDragPerson getting her from behind.
Jay: "It won't be the first time someone got you from behind."  Ha!

-- Anyway, she promises nebulous delights to T2, who sort of shrugs at Jay and leaves with her.
Jay (shaking head):  "She really *is* a slut."  (You should talk, you MANWHORE.)

-- Vicky's outfit is nice.  The underone, I mean.  Trish's outfit isn't that bad either, actually.

-- Ow, I just got a papercut on my stomach.  Sonuvabitch.

-- Anyway.  Vicky lifts Trish off the turnbuckle GORILLA PRESS style, dumping her into a stomach breaker that looks like it connected, so if Trish stops wearing midriffs for a while, you'll know why.

-- In return, Trish shoves Vic into the ring post, and she falls backwards off the apron, which looks *so* uncool.

-- Vicky, selling her everlovin heart out, gets pulled into an A-shaped submission so fucked-up that I can't even figure out how you'd tap out of it.

-- Her little swinging-slam thing that starts out looking like an F-5?  It needs a cool name.

-- Vic, with the match well in hand, inexplicably jumps T2 and gets punked.  They doubleteam her afterwards, bringing CrazyDragPerson out.

-- T2 cuts a DYNAMIC PROMO, saying he'll solve the mystery by fighting CDP.  So, he beats up Stevie, pulls the stuffing out of his bra, and stuffs it down his throat.  The crowd, by the way, is STUNNED.

-- See, that sums it all up, right there.  First, no crowd reaction, then they boo, then boring chants, then ECDub.  Keep in mind that when Stevie ran *out* there were "Stevie" chants, and you'll see yet another way in which NO ONE AROUND HERE CAN BOOK.

-- Stevie still has wonderful hair, though.

-- Jay: "This is some of the worst time filler I've ever seen."  (*pause*)  "Okay, maybe not as bad as the Patterson/Brisco match."

-- Stevie gets exactly one second of offense, and T2 gives him a *real* pseudo-F5: it is literally the exact same move, only face-up.

-- Edge/Chris/Jay package.  YAY.  Heh, JR refers to Jay as "Captain Charisma".  I didn't notice that the first time.

-- CJ is very, very pretty.

-- LIKE, SERIOUSLY.  CAN'T WE HAVE THEM MAKE OUT JUST *ONCE*?  (I mean, Anglesnar did it...)

-- A HA HA.  It started with a bitchslsp, and now CJ threw Jay out of the ring with the leverage of CJ's head between Jay's legs.  THIS MATCH IS SO GAY.
(Which, btw, I just typoed as "GO SAY", and will now use forever in recaps until the end of time.)

-- CJ spins the ladder around, and I swear he's going to take some fan's fool head off.

-- They fight into the crowd for no real reason, Ceej gets the Unprettier on the floor, Jay climbs, Ceej takes his sweet ass time catching him.

-- This totally isn't going anywhere.  How do I ever write anything about ladder matches?  Even when the cool stuff happens, I have fuck all to say about it.

-- Okay, CJ *wins at life*.  Jay is climbing, CJ flips him off effectively, and Jay *hops off the ladder* to go after him.

-- Jay (ntoo): "Don't tell me he's going to give him a Lionsault on the ladder."
me: "Of course he is, because...he's an idiot."

-- Jay gets to the top and hangs off the belt loop for a while, and Ceej steals the ladder and starts swinging it at him, pinata-style.  I love that spot, because I'm evil.

-- Jay sits on top of the ladder.  Jay (too) says "You know what's comin."  It takes a second, and then I *yell*, "OH."

-- WoJ on top of the ladder!  It's not as good, though, it's not TEH SOOPER PR0N, because this time he does it with the ladder separating them.  Dammit.

-- Anywho, CJ manages to get the belt, but no one looks to be in good shape.  Jay cries.  I want to fic them.

-- JR: "Quite frankly, they may need psychological evaluation after this match."  Hey, that's what I said.  Kind of.

-- Todd goes back to talk to Kane, and finds Amy, who yells about how she wants Shawn to kick his ass.
Kane: "My wife.  So supportive."

-- He makes it No DQ, and then says that he wants Amy at ringside.  Dude.  That's like *asking* her to punk you out.  Kane, you stupid bitch.

-- CJ does an interview, where he bitches about the fact that "the ladder went halfway up my *ass*"  (heh, yeah, I forgot to write about that spot), but he's happy because he's a 7-time IC champ.  Really?  Sweet.

-- Adam walks up and talks some smack about how Ceej never beat *him* for that belt.
Adam: "You better shine it up real nice --"
me: "So I can stick it straight up your candy ass?"

-- Ceej promises a rematch with Ad when he's better.  His voice cracks, a little.  For whatever reason, I find this unspeakably hot.

-- Oh, I think Jay (no, the other one...wait, I don't remember which one I was talking about last...okay, the one at home) is convinced that we just saw CJ's Casket Match Injury (tm), if you catch my drift, but I'm willing to be more optimistic than that.

-- Speaking of whom, he's on his way out now.  Looking pretty good.  Amy/Kane follow, and Shawn gives them a nonplussed sort of look.

-- Jerry: "What size feet would you say Kane has?"
JR: "Size 18?"
Jerry: "You know what that means?"
JR: "Big socks."
me: "Hey, that's one size bigger than --"  (*abruptly shuts up*)

-- JR: "I believe in Shawn Michaels right down to my very bone marrow."

-- Shawn gets suplexed through the SAT.  Dude, why is he wasting spots like this on *Kane*?

-- It's actually kind of fun having Amy over there as a little pregnant cheerleader.

-- FF/KU/CS DAMMIT I'M OUT OF ABBREVIATIONS.

-- Jay: "Oh, Shawn is bleeding...why am I not surprised?  I bet he couldn't wait to come back and cut himself open some more!"

-- Shawn warms up the band.  Portland *counts* along with the stomps, because they're *idiots*.

-- Anyway, Amy steals Kane's chair, Shawn gets SCM and wins.  Amy celebrates, and Shawn, as he goes past, kisses her hand.  Heh.

-- Todd interviews Hunter.  It's fun to do this to:
Trips: "I made Randy Orton good."
me: "In bed!"
Trips: "...And Randy Orton is very, *very* good."
me: "Innnnnnnnn bed."

-- It seems that this is *not* the next match, alas.  Tag, still.

-- Heh, La Rez is from Quebec.  Montreal's in Quebec.
...Sorry, I was having one of those moments again.

-- Dude, I *always* take bathroom breaks during this feud.  That's almost sad.

-- Jerry (re: Rhy): "He's 'bull-like'?  Why isn't he rhino-like?"
JR: "Well, he's a bull-rhino.  That's the worst kind."

-- Dude, SG's *thumb* is IN Tajiri's mouth.  That's deeply gross.

-- Eventually LR wins, like you expected anything different.

-- The Trips/Randy package, not very straight.  Darn it, I miss my Dead Gay Mafia.  I mean, it's just not the same without him.

-- me (re: Trips): "Hey, you know what's ironic?  How they used to announce him as being from Greenwich and he wasn't, and now he, like, *is*."  (*pause*)  "Okay, maybe that's not ironic."

-- Sign: "Orton Makes Me Randy."  Heh.  Wish I'd thought of that one.

-- me (to Randy's music): "Hey, this is, like, the show's theme...because he, really, is the show."
Jay: "...Uh-huh."

[-- If you couldn't tell, I was really, really tired by this point.]

-- He is freakishly hot, man.

-- He bitchslaps Trips (twice!), and there are wonderful closeups of them staring at each other.  Heh, that makes two matches that opened with Bitchslaps Of Doom.

-- There's a lot of yelling of "Douche" in the ring, if you catch that reference.

-- Dude, they're trying to tell us that Trips is anywhere near as mobile as Randy.  Wuh-huh?
me: "That's impossible!  He has all that extra weight to carry around!"

-- And this opens the floodgates on the fat jokes, because apparently, we've all been keeping them in for too long.

-- JR: "No one comes quicker than Triple H --"
me: "...um..."
Jay: "-- when it comes time to eat!"
me: "...when it's time to line up for the buffet table!"
Jay: "Heh.  That's good."

-- JR: "He runs about 260 or 270 --"
Jay: "Or 280, or 290..."

-- Anyway.  Trips smacks his head on the turnbuckle and comes up bladed.
me: "Oh no, *there* it is."
Jay: "He's saying, 'Shawn thinks he's gonna show *me* up?'"

-- Tonight's Great Moment In Stating The Obvious:
JR: "This has certainly deviated from WRESTLING."

-- H3 gets a boot to the face and falls straight down.  See, that's the Trips Flop...it's like the Flair Flop, only less phonetically pleasing.

-- Lord, I'm tired.  Let's sum up.  Ref down, Evo out, Randy dispatches, low blow from Trips, Coach out, Randy hits him, SoD on Randy, Coach counts, Randy kicks out, flips out of the Gree, RKO on Coach, in comes Flair, RKO on Flair, in comes Dave, low blow on Dave (there's totally a joke here), chairshot from Trips followed by Gree on the chair, and Dave throws Earl back in for the win.  Everyone remains passed out for about thirty seconds, which is pretty funny.  Especially since I imagine *I'd* pass out right now if I tried to read all that back as one sentence.

-- Evo helps Trips out of the ring, and Earl has to help Randy sit up so he can make anguished faces at the camera, as his legs don't appear to be working.

-- Jay makes fun of JR (whining obnoxiously, "IT WAS STOLEEEEEN!") and we're out.  Oh boy, sleep!  That's where I'm a Viking!

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