Wrestlemania XVIII
(because X8 is just lame!)
3/17/02
-- Here to start us off, Saliva plays Superstar -- Theme Song #1. It doesn't
*suck*, but t'ain't nuthin special, either.
-- Of course, the problem is that it seems to go on, and on, and we begin to wonder where the hell the show is.
-- Ah! There it is. The show proper opens with a promo of clips w/ voiceovers, which is really cool because the guys all sound like they're shooting. This makes me wonder if it says something about the quality of the storyline, that the most effective promo is the one that doesn't involve characters.
-- Sour Skittles Presents Wrestlemania X-8. Sour? Are they trying to hint at the taste this'll leave in our mouths? HMMMMMMMM?
-- The pyro rocks. It shoots out in all sorts of crazy directions. Pyro for all!
-- Shot of WWFNY. On my sheet, this is followed by "poor, poor bastards". What exactly my logic was here, I'm really not sure.
-- Sign: "65000 People..." (arrow pointing down) "One X-Pac fan." (*cackles*) Oh, and the sad thing is that that's probably *so* true. My poor Fluff.
-- RVD vs Regal is the first match...damn, that boy looks pretty.
-- Okay, anyone who had to think about the previous sentence to figure out who I meant might want to quit now while they're ahead.
-- "R-V-D" chant: 30 seconds in.
-- Brass knuckles: 45 seconds in.
-- And by the way, when Regal goes into his tights to get the brass knucks and can't find them, it looks suspiciously like he's playing with himself. Great. Thanks for *that* imagery, guys.
-- Jay (as RVD goes for the 5-Star, about 2 min in): "YES! END IT! END IT!" Because yes, we do love our curtain-jerking matches. (*snicker*)
-- Regal's already bleeding. Poor stiff Rob.
-- Heh. Stiff.
-- Regal...does something (yeah, like I remember what the move was), dropping RVD on his head, and it suddenly strikes me that in real life, if you saw somebody fall like that, you'd call EMTs.
-- Well, anyway, the HebnerSpawn steals SR's newly-retrieved knucks, allowing Rob to win clean. Relatively.
-- Damn, there are a lot of signs.
-- Suddenly, Christian is grinning at us wildly...I think he's supposed to be mocking DDP, but it just looks wacked.
-- He brings up his residence in Florida. Yes, good ol' FL -- the land of the Canadian Heels.
-- Despite the fact that he just dissed his hometown, he still gets laughs for his expression. See, that's why he needs his own show. (/end obligatory reference)
-- Heh, he even changed his ring announcement to make sure they wouldn't cheer him for being from Toronto...bwa ha.
-- Sign: "Jen's hot!" Well, I always assumed so...I mean, I didn't exactly think it was her charming personality that made her able to land all those different guys in the process of the Soap Opera.
-- Did you seriously think I was going to claim that sign for *myself*? Do you even *know* me?
-- The announcers mention that DDP was the chauffeur for Rhythm and Blues at WM6...allow me to take this moment to make fun of him.
-- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Ha ha ha!!!!!!!
-- Okay, I feel better.
-- Wow, DDP even has Hardy-type fans! ...That is, in what I *assume* was just a case of random timing, as he whips off his vest, a bunch of people near the front jump up and start cheering madly.
-- I hope.
-- Jay's wearing gold tights. You know what that means, according to the Wardrobe Game -- he's gonna win, baby! Uhh!
-- But I'm not overly fond of the BCSag. Not at all.
-- So. Jay drops him onto the turnbuckle in a head-snapping-back way that freaks me right the hell out. I yelp. Literally. Jay (no, the other one) heard me in the *kitchen* and came skidding in, going, "What'd I miss?" because the sound I made was so disproportionate to what was actually going on.
-- JR references Schoolhouse Rock...we all stare at the screen trying to figure out what it has to do with the price of tea in China.
-- JR: "An almost discus...punch...like...clothesline!" And to think, he is considered a professional.
-- J (reading a sign): "'Adam loves Andre', and I'm sure Andre's thrilled."
-- Wait....he *lost*? The wardrobe LIED to us!
-- (*sniff*) I feel so used.
-- DDP congratulates the boy, after his loss, on not snapping a la Shammy...
-- ...which, naturally, sends him into a full-blown screaming, spinning temper tantrum. No, really, spinning. It looks kind of like he's performing Shane's flying spinning body attack without leaving the ground.
-- Coach gets to interview Rocky. He channels Schiavone and refers to the upcoming Hogan/Rocky match as "the biggest match in the history of this business!"
-- Sigh.
-- Anyway. Rocky orders Coach to his knees. Somewhere, about 6 referees are holding back a screamingly jealous Michael Cole.
-- Oh, wait, it's a riff on the whole "train, say your prayers, eat your vitamins" thing. Rocky wants Coach to pray. See how wholesome we are, PTC? Seeeeeeeee?
-- Coach: "What up, G? Just wanted to give you a quick shoutout--"
Rocky: "What in the blue hell are you DOING? 'What up, G'? You sick FREAK!"
-- I have this sudden image that, without the "What up, G" in the middle, Mikey has heard much the same response from Rocky.
-- Yes, I have problems.
-- And now, that music we've *all* dreamt of hearing for years now...... (*whooosh*) Gooooooldust.
-- I guess we can't play the Wardrobe Game with him.
-- Gratuitous Skittles ad here. Skittles -- Taste The Rainbow! Bwa ha ha ha ha! (*wipes eyes*) That's entirely too fitting.
-- They should totally mention the sponsor again before the tag match.
-- Maven's music is, as Omar G might put it, "Crap Alt-Rock". I kinda like it, though.
-- You know something? That dude is *buffed*. I mean, sure, he can blow a spot like nobody's business (*insert self-censored bad Newsies slash joke here*), but there's something to be said for conditioning.
-- Jerry (in response to the well-miked ring): "I like to hear the SOUNDS of impact." I find this of note because it sounds vaguely bloodthirsty *and* it's along the same lines as a comment I had been about to make.
-- Dustin grabs a golden shovel. Bwa! They have a conversation about what exactly one does with a golden shovel -- "Besides, uh..." Oh, I don't know, *shovel*? There's a joke in here somewhere that I can't seem to find.
-- Is it wrong that, it being St. Paddy's and all, I want to give a shoutout every time someone does an Irish Whip?
-- Damn, I should have thought of this earlier. I would have made a drinking game out of it.
-- Hey, look! It's Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike! (*happy dance*) He swipes the title right out from under Dustin's gold nose, and takes off into the crowd with Crash in hot pursuit.
-- Sign: "Jen Row" ...Okay, that one I'll claim for me. Look, I have my own row! How nice of them!
-- ...........I'm way too easily amused.
-- Am I the only one who finds it totally lame that they're doing commercials *during* the show? We paid friggin $40 for this, people. Gimme some show. (And not the Big variety.)
-- Drowning Pool is now apparently going to tell us the *story* of the main event. Yep, next week we're going to turn around and Theme Song #2 is going to be on that Classic Story Songs compilation they sell on TV...I can just see it.
-- I swear these two bands have the same singer with different hair.
-- Jay realizes that, as they're singing the line "I don't care about anyone else but me", they're showing shots of Steph...and suddenly, it all makes sense.
-- Strangely, all this video accomplishes for me is making me really want to jump My Boy. Which you'd *think* wouldn't be of note, but, well, it is, because it's not a thought that's occurred to me much in the past few months.
-- Yes, yes, I'm a big ol' ho.
-- Backstage, where Spike has escaped to, Al *makes* the show by gleefully driving a golf cart into a wall of boxes. Ha!
-- In the meantime, Hurricane swoops in (literally...on a cable...are they *trying* to give me gratuitous guilt for saying the morbid Part 3 joke was my favorite line in Sunshower?) and gets the belt before Al reappears. Strangely, Al, despite probably not being able to *see* this win, doesn't try to pin the prone Spike. Apparently, Al is psychic. Oooooh.
-- Eh, why not. Al can do anything. He should be on Christian's show.
-- The "don't try this at home" spot (yes, because you *know* your kids are planning to steal a golf cart right now) comes with the address wwfeparents.com at the end...I have this weird compulsion to go there and see what the hell they tell you.
-- Kurt comes out next...he's wearing black. I'm confused as to what this means in terms of the Wardrobe Game.
-- Sign: "YOU SUK"
me: "You can't spell SUCK???"
J: "They're idiot. Uh....they're idiot."
-- Another sign: "Y2J is Triple H's bitch" Mwa!
-- This is Canada, and Kurt's a heel, so, naturally, he goes for the easy
target: "I won *my* medals the old-fashioned way."
m: "Blew a judge?"
K: "I earned it."
m: "Ohhhhhhh."
-- Jerry, by the way, managed to use the word "props". I fear that.
-- Apparently Kane keeps getting dropped on his big red head. JR says "Kane hasn't recovered from the head trauma", and for a minute, I think he means in his childhood or something.
-- JR refers to Kurt as a "former gold medal winner"...wait, how do you become a *former* gold medal winner?
-- Oh, never mind, I remember that...you start suckin down the evil cough medicine...then you're going against all Olympic ideals.
-- I get odd thrills when I don't expect anyone to get my references.
-- Much talk of Kane's scrambled brains. Hey, it couldn't have done *too* much damage, this is a Weakest Link winner we're talking about here, by God!
-- Lousy Dudley conspiracy, voting off *my* Edgeypoo... (*grumbles*) Er...no, I'm not still bitter, that would be crazy! (*cough*)
-- Er......yeah.
-- "Olympic ass". Heh. Those are two words that most definitely should never be put together within my earshot...mmmmmmmm......
-- Oh, but it's not like I'm missing anything -- when I start paying attention again, Kane's still being dropped on his head. Wait, has anything else happened? Dude's gonna be the next Saturn.
-- Yes....you're welcome.
-- Sign: "Where's Pete Rose?" (*snicker*)
-- Another sign: "What, eh?" You've gotta love Canada, dude.
-- Kurt almost wins just through distracting Kane by going for the mask. It's like a Vega flashback. Oh, that Kane, he's one beautiful conceited bastard all right.
-- It's wrong to type the words "beautiful conceited bastard" and have an image of Shawn come to mind, right?
-- Kurt gets pissed. How do we know? The straps come down! Oooooooh!
-- Even Jerry acknowledges that. Heh.
-- I hate making the same jokes as Jerry Lawler.
-- Hey, come to think of it, I really *am* the female Jerry Lawler...I mean, the way he sounds during any female match is pretty much the way I'd sound in, say, a Jericho/Edge match.
-- On the other hand, if it happened to be a Jericho/Benoit match, I'd just sound fired.
(-- Don't you love how Benoit can have been injured for months and I *still* automatically go for the B-n-J? (*snort*) )
-- Kurt catches Kane's foot -- the BigAss Red Machine does an enziguri! Bwa! Kane yells, "Who's suffering the head trauma NOW, bitch, huh???"
-- ....Okay, no he doesn't. Partly because he's on the floor along with Kurt.
-- JR (after this move): "Looks like we're back where we started!"
J (yelling at the TV): "Well they didn't start the match DOWN!"
-- One totally blown ending later (I think Kurt won...like I was really looking for the outcome of that one), we're back to Hurricane Helms.
-- Here's the short version of this segment: he's running down the hall, grabs a broom for protection, ducks behind one of the Fed's many conveniently-placed backlit Chinese screens, only to discover that he's in the hos' dressing room.
-- Basically, if you've seen Robin Hood: Men In Tights, you know exactly what visual they used here.
-- Jer: "He really *does* have superpowers!" (*snicker*)
-- When Godfather chases HH out of the room, they knock over a table, and I swear to God that Crayola markers fall off of it. I really have to watch that again to prove myself wrong. I mean, we all know they aren't mentally advanced enough to color inside the lines or anything.
-- In case you were wondering, yes, I did forget what I was talking about around five minutes ago.
-- Flair v. UT promo. At some point, the word "further" is said as "fuh-thuh". I only know this because it's in my notes. I now have no idea why it was in my notes.
-- You know, as I think about it, I think my mild Kiwi fixation (if that's the right word for it, which I seriously doubt, because that implies I care) may have come almost entirely from the hair. I mean, think about it. No other refs have hair that looks like it requires any effort.
-- Jer: "The Flair family tree could use a little trimming." If I were Ric Flair, I would lock up my daughters. Right now.
-- Sign: "Kevin Nash is Super Shredder" (*giggles*) As Homer would say, "It's funny cuz it's true."
-- JR (re: Mark): "Blood is running down his left cheek...and I'm not talking
about his backside!"
me: "Hey, JR, the real question is, WHY WOULD YOU BE LOOKING?"
-- J, as Flair proceeds to bleed all over everything: "You know, Flair should just blade as he walks to the ring. It would save a lot of time."
-- By the way, he really does bleed over *everything*...there manages to be a flying spot of blood on one of the camera lenses. We gleefully yell, "Ewwwwww!"
-- And, we hear Flair yell something that sounds an awful lot like, "You fuckin bitch!" We crack up. I'll assume that's not what he said, though. I mean, it's not like he's Fluffy or anything.
-- The Kiwi is the most expressive ref I've ever seen. He feels for Ric. Oh yes he does.
-- Mark looks vaguely like Holtz in one of these shots. Or, you know, I'm crazy. Whatever.
-- Flair grabs a pipe from the bike and uses it to give Mark both the lamest shot ever, and a legitimate excuse to blade, before putting it on the apron and watching it roll all the way across the ring and out the other side, never to be seen again. (*snicker*)
-- He also goes for irony by stealing a Keep Off sign to smack Mark. Hey, I say it's irony, dammit. Go with it.
-- Mark's special -- he can chokeslam from the floor! With no legs! While locked in The Dreaded Figure-Four!
-- Arn Anderson makes an appearance, Mark throws Flair at the Kiwi, and Mark is PISSED.
-- JR: "Now Arn is busted open."
Jerry and me: "That didn't take long."
-- Mark pulls off the apparently unbanned Tombstone (anyone remember the ban? or am I mixing this up with the WCW powerbomb ban?) to extend the streak to 10-0.
-- Then he drives off, blood and all. I suddenly think it would be funny if the blood got in his eyes and he bounced off one of the walls.
-- Booker T, in an interview, desperately tells us, "I'm smart! I got glasses, don't I?"
-- ....Okay, his pyro is damned cool.
-- One comment: Damn Rob Zombie for licensing a song to the WWF, thus making me really like it, probably because whenever I hear it I think of Adam. Dammit.
-- Oh yeah, speaking of whom, you'll have to excuse the lack of attention I'll now be paying.
-- Sign: "They are fighting over shampoo." Why not, after all, Jericho and Kane fought over coffee.
-- *Why* are they discussing Adam's "attributes"? I mean, I know *I* would be, but...
-- Sign: "We're on our honeymoon." Yep...*that's* romance for ya.
-- Adam does a HUGELY blown hurricanrana. I mean it. That was just BAD.
-- Heh. I said "hugely blown".
-- Yes, I am mentally 12 years old.
-- Adam mocks the Spinerooni....bwa ha ha! Heh. Edgearooni.
-- Somehow, I'm simultaneously disappointed that Adam can't breakdance and really, really glad.
-- .....Forgive me, I'm back on the "Olympic ass" comment....
-- .........
-- ..........
-- ...Okay, back.
-- Oh, Adam won, by the way. He got teary. Awwwwww. I want one.
-- More adventures of HH, which always make me think of the Super Heroes Union. Woo!
-- HH: "Holy insinuation, Citizen Coach!" (*snicker*)
-- Molly clocks an unsuspecting Hurri with a frying pan and wins the belt. Bwa! I heart Molly.
-- Austin v. Hall promo. In one shot, Hall is trapped among beverages, and luckily, they're non-alcoholic, because that would just be cruel.
-- ........Wait for it........
-- .....And Scott Hall has made it to Wrestlemania. We spontaneously applaud. I'm so proud.
-- He waits at the entrance, until Jay realizes: "Kevin's coming with
him."
me: "That *won't* be a first."
-- Kev pulls off a turnbuckle pad, which we hear about second-hand from the announcers because someone in the booth fell asleep. Heh. Any bets on who's gettin fired tonight?
-- Annoying Guy In Crowd: "Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiesel! Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiesel!"
-- Hanging around outside to deliver cheap shots to Austin, Kev spends most of the match staring sexily into the ring. Damn. I forgot how hot that man was for his age.
-- Wow, I wonder if he would kick my ass if he heard me with that addendum. Heh.
-- Chant: "Ra-zor! Ra-zor! Ra-zor!" You see, it's all about the old school.
-- Kev continues to pace and stare. Hey, would the recap of this match be more interesting if I cared what was happening in the ring?
-- Stunner on Hall, and Kev runs -- RUNS! -- to save his boy. Bwa!
-- Stunners all around -- or, as JR calls it, "Stunner on Nash!" (Though I'm pretty sure it was Hall at the time.) "Stunner on Hall AND Nash! It doesn't matter, it's all NWO!!!"
-- ..... (*sigh*) Maybe we should chip in and buy JR flashcards.
-- Austin and Hall get near the guardrail, and an indignant kid *yells*, "HE STOLE MY BEER!" I guffaw wildly. Because dude, that's funny no matter *who* he's talking about.
-- Anyway, after about 6 Stunners or something, Austin wins, and cracks a cold one. Luckily, Hall is nowhere in sight.
-- Sign: "Austin's tougher than AA"
-- There's a sign in the crowd of a giant Hogan face. Jay has nostalgia over it because apparently they had the same sign at WM6. Meeeeeeeeemories.
-- Anyway. Axxess promo. CJ's in it for a grand total of about two seconds, and yet, I'm struck with an overwheming flood of love for my ex-hubby. I'm so lame.
-- You know, I want to go to Axxess much more than to WM itself.
-- I love Mark's reaction to the girl who's crying over him. It's so awwwww, in a "what the hell do I *do*?" guy way.
-- Saliva returns, to play the Dudleys out. Aside from the upside of Legs dancing (which is strangely hypnotic), I am left with a splitting headache. No, seriously. I did not have it before this song.
-- Enter Matt and Jeff (who in my notes I refer to in this line as Sexy and Swishy, and it amuses me because you can take that however you want it. Snooch.) Jeffy's momentarily lost as Matt steals the corner he was going to jump on.
-- Billy and Chuck don't have to come out...they're WAY out. And showing Hulk love by wearing yellow and red.
-- Oh, wait, my bad, that's not red, it's really bright pink. You know, just in case we missed the gay thing.
-- Jeffy's hair looks *terrible*. It's like blue straw. And patchy. They should use it for PSAs against the dangers of hair dye. Poor Jeff. (*bows head*)
-- M&J double-DDT Billy, who for some reason handstands his way through it. That's certainly a weird looking way to keep your head from smacking the ground.
-- Jeff loses the shirt, exposing blue body paint (and giving me all sorts of fun thoughts trying to figure out how it got there), super-pale skin, and a lack of definition. Dude, is the boy ill? Because that would explain how he ever let his precious hair get into such a state.
-- Stacy shakes her moneymaker, Jeffy spanks it and plants her one. If this were TWOP, this would be considered HoNay.
-- Bubba: "Time to die, Jeff Hardy!" ....to said boy's semi-conscious form. Uh, Bubba? It's usually more effective when you trash-talk someone who isn't already trashed.
-- Matt: "Come on, Jeff!" (to crowd) "Come on, clap!" Yeah, clap if you believe in fairies!
-- JR: "It's a family affair." Uh....in Billy and Chuck's case, wouldn't that be illegal?
-- D-Von goes through a table, via Billy. Oops. Well, at least with them and the APA (yeah, they were here too, I just had nothing to say about it) gone, one could say the match is now HoYay!
-- Course, it doesn't last very much longer -- the Ambiguously Gay Duo (no, I mean the ones that are written that way *purposely*) win, and almost trip over Stacy as they leave.
-- nWo's backstage. Hogan (to H&N): "I know you guys are really hot
--"
(I snicker)
H: "-- you've got a reason to be. But I need a favor from the
brotherhood."
me: "Bon Jovi?"
-- Also backstage, Molly looks like she might just make it out...until the top half of a Dutch door swings into her path, knocking her flat out like a cartoon. Bwa! It obscures the top half of the assailant, who turns out to be...
-- Christian! Yay! He proclaims his victory, snags a pin, and runs off in the direction that MM came from. Okay, I heart Jay and all, but that's just not terribly bright planning. I mean, one would assume that Molly was running *from* someone, after all...
-- Hogan comes out, in his big gay boas.
-- Okay, so being black and white, they're not *terribly* gay, but they're just so damned fluffy that it needed to be said.
-- Sign: "We screwed Bret." As did we all, my friend. As did we all.
-- Wait. That totally didn't sound right.
-- God, the original nWo makes me nostalgic. I'm so lame.
-- Jerry babbles for literally a minute on some lion analogy that we all lose the thread of.
-- You know, Rocky has *got* to stop looking like he wants to have sex with everyone who gets within three feet of him. He's as bad as Austin.
-- The Skydome is going apeshit for Hogan. (*snicker*) It's good to know that I'm not the only one who's nostalgic, although these people are marking out for about twelve years ago while I'm only going back about six, so now I don't feel so old.
-- Rocky hits a move and they boo the crap out of him. (*points and laughs at Rocky*)
-- Hogan receives the Rocky Slaps of Doom, until he realizes he can't fly -- FLY! -- over the top rope like everyone else does (...I suddenly miss Shane...he was good at that), so he drops to the ground like he's on fire instead.
-- Hogan gives Rocky a gay abdominal stretch. You know, I think when I'm done with this recap, I should do a search for the word "gay" and see how many times it's here.
-- me: "How much do you think it's going to Hogan's head that he's getting cheered wildly over a *back rake*?"
-- JR: "A spine on the pine..." because yes, the ring has a nice hardwood floor, you fucking tool.
-- Hogan whips off his belt like a stripper, making a seriously psychotic face.
-- Hulk kicks out of the Rock Bottom and hulks up; it looks oddly like it's in slow motion.
-- Rocky delivers yet another Rock Bottom, which also appears to be in slo-mo, then another, and then a People's Elbow (good lord! pulling out all the stops, are you?), which finally gets a pop. Because, well, these people aren't made of STONE, you know.
-- JR steals Jerry's faulty lion metaphor and beats the hell out of it not just once, but twice. .....I want Rocky to suddenly break into "Circle of Life".
-- Hogan shakes with Rocky, bringing out HnN, because dammit, sportsmanship has no place in the nWo! This is a place where you screw over your own mama! Or your brother, as the case may be.
-- Fortunately for Hogan, his young lion (or whatever) comes back in to save him. Then Rocky brings him in to old-school-pose, despite the fact that he's clutching at his rib and looks like he wants to go home. The things you do for your public.
-- They stop at the top of the ramp, and Hogan raises Rocky's hand. Rocky looks genuinely embarrassed and humble for what may be the first time in his entire public life.
-- Back at WWFNY, Big Show kisses ass. Thankfully, not literally.
-- Crowd shot. Hey, I spy my other adopted flag! Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi oi oi!
-- And if you don't think I immediately yelled that at my TV, you underestimate just what a tool I really am.
-- Speaking of flags, Trish comes out wearing one as a cape, looking quite happy and very *hot*. But that last part's just MHO.
-- Though, judging from her shrieks of terror during this match, someone needs to turn down her mic.
-- Nothing can kill a crowd like Jazz. Sigh.
-- J (re Jazz): "Who does she think she is, the Ultimate Warrior?"
m: "Yes. Except short. And black. And with tits."
J (pondering): "Well, the Ultimate Warrior *was* kind of black, with his
tan..."
-- Jazz actually *wins*.............WHY?
-- I mean, even if not for the fact that I was being all biased and rooting for the Canuck, Amy totally shoulda had this one. Bleh.
-- Well, anyway, Jay is backstage being adorable with his battered Hardcore belt: "I can almost see myself in it." (*giggles*) That boy should *always* have a toy.
-- But just as he's getting into his cab, Maven runs up from behind, rolls him up, and steals both the belt and his cab. Bringing us completely full-circle and leaving poor Chrissy to have another screaming fit. Awwww. And heh.
-- Drowning Pool is back to play out HHH...and yeah, I agree with Jay (no, the other one), his new music sucks donkey balls.
-- ......Not that Jay *said* that, specifically...but he implied it.
-- J (re: Ceej): "That is one godass ugly outfit!" (*snickers*) And he's right, it's an outfit so ugly that it *deserves* a made-up adjective like that.
-- Steph, for her part, manages to make the picture even *worse*, by wearing bright aqua to clash wonderfully with CJ's hot pinkred and blinding shade of green (which, FYI, is springgreen at webgurus...don't ask why I looked this up).
-- I realized before that last year, Chris was curtain-jerking Wrestlemania, and this year, he's defending the championship in the main event. I'm going to take this moment to bask in my honey's success. Booya.
-- Damn, Hunter's dark. But we've come to expect that.
-- We finally decide that Ceej's ugly pants are for St. Paddy's Day. Sweetie, I appreciate the shoutout, but you didn't have to sacrifice taste. (Leave me alone, I *like* my world where his revolves around me. Heh.)
-- Steph is the new Scary Sherri. No, really. Ponder that for a moment.
-- m: "Steph's losing her voice."
J: "And you know what that means, Steph? Shut up!"
(-- When *Jay's* ragging on her on a regular basis, you know the girl's doing something wrong.)
-- CJ spears Steph, who's dangling just outside the ring...that was sold well. It looked painful. Damn.
-- Hunner grabs Steph, and Jay announces that her asskicking's imminent...I say H's just going for the Nekkid!Steph prize money.
-- Oh, you know he could totally win it. She wouldn't see it coming and then he'd be god to geekboys everywhere. Only problem is that I have yet to figure out a reason why he *would*. But it's fun to picture. Heh.
-- Sign: "You screwed Bret" (*stomps foot impatiently*) Ouch, dammit! Bret screwed Bret!
-- Two "come on, baby!"s in the space of five minutes. I love you, CJ. Come on, I'm willing to work it out, if I can keep my hobbit husband, ambiguously evil boyfriend, and torrid affair with Edgeypoo...
-- You know, Steph's outfit is actually cute, in a space-age disco way.
-- JR: "It's a sickening sound to hear this man writhing in pain." I beg to differ. If you close your eyes, you can't really tell he's in pain. And then it just sounds like he's writhing. Mmmmm. Hunner writhing.
-- .....But I'm not one of those people who replays the catwalk scene in "Jitters" with her eyes closed or anything. Certainly not. (*averts eyes*)
-- Er. Anyway. Hunter goes through the Spanish Announce Table. But that's to be expected.
-- Steph has a purple streak in her hair. It's just *random*.
-- I suddenly have weird deja vu, where I feel like I'm watching one of the Japanese matches on the Best of CJ tape. Only with ugly outfits. And an orange man.
-- Ceej has blood in his mouth. I wonder at what point he wound up biting his tongue. Don't worry, hon, I'll kiss it better.
-- ......................
-- (*presses hand to forehead, looking pained*) I *so* did not just say that.
-- The long-awaited Stephigree happens, leaving H open for one hell of a chairshot. Boom!
-- They tease doing each other's finishers (you know, I turned away from typing this line mid-sentence, and when I turned back, I noticed it only said "they tease doing each other"), before Hunter scores a Pedigree and then the pin.
-- I really want him to clutch the belt and sob a la Shawn...heh. Too bad they're not speaking. That would have been the uber-shoutout.
-- And we close with a Music Video of Doom, as usual -- set to the Theme Song played at the beginning, the live version.
-- Jay says the show wasn't as good as last year. My *so* thought out response?
-- "Of course it wasn't as good as last year...it didn't have Shane with a kendo stick."
-- Priorities, Vincent. Priorities.
-- Saliva: "Get your ass up off your shoulders, baby!" That's the second time I've heard that line, and I still have no idea what it's supposed to mean.
-- Jay complements the production team on always getting these videos done in time for them to run at the end of the show -- which of course jinxes them, as the picture goes missing. Bwa!
-- The video ends with cuts so quick that I'm certain that someone in the country is having an epileptic fit a la Pokemon right now. Oooooh, Vince, you're gonna get a lawsuit tomorrow.
-- Hey -- that makes us realize something: for once, Vince kept his punk ass off TV! Best Wrestlemania EVER!!!!!!!!
-- 'Til next time, guys, I'm out like Billy and Chuck at the Friendly Tap.