-- Damn, this place is big.
-- We're greeted by Coach, wearing a tux, and Amy, whose shirt has a giant *hole* in it, to show off her tattoo. Dude. Shouldn't your announcing team at least be working from the same general dress code?
-- Earlier tonight, Booker ran the steps of the stadium, pretending to be Rocky. No, not that one, the boxing one.
-- Clips package of Book/Hunter. I miss The Mafia. It was so gay.
-- (For those of you counting at home, yes, it only took me four sentences to say something like that.)
-- commercials. Is it wrong that, on some hidden level, I kinda want to see What A Girl Wants just because I'm fond of Colin Firth?
-- WM Moment: Rocky's interviewed by Gennifer Flowers. This is one of my favorite segments EVER, by the way.
-- Ooh! Axxess package!
-- A small child gets an autograph from Bisch. Hee. The child appears to retain his soul. Just in case you were curious.
-- Awww, Kurt is *insanely* cute.
-- Dude, I wanna call a match w/ Cole. I wonder how he'd react to the shit that comes out of my mouth. And I promise I'd resist the urge to ask him about Tazz (*cough*theirloveissotrue*cough*).
-- Dammit, I stand by this: I want to go to Axxess more than to Wrestlemania.
-- Oh, the rapoff's next. That's good, I feared it would be *on* the PPV.
-- commercials. The new Heat one fascinates me, and is filled with main eventers, which is just cruel considering that it's Heat.
-- X-MEN 2!!!!!!! (*marks the fuck out*) ...Sorry.
-- There's also one for Paragon Honda. I take it as a shoutout. Long story.
-- Hogan/Vince promo. Bob talks history, managing to put them down and put them over at the same time. Hee. I love Bob. Even if he is an elitist little bastard sometimes.
-- Ashanti has entered the building, and Coach wants some.
-- Cena comes out, and his mic's not on. Ha!
-- Oh, wait, *that's* why it's not on the PPV...cause no one showed up.
-- ...Dude, Cena's gonna get himself shot one day. No shit.
-- C (re the absent Jay-Z): "The only way he stays hard is by rockin anotha fella." (*dies*)
-- Can he really say this shit on TV?
-- He even throws in an XFL crack. Holy shit, John Cena, I think I love you.
-- You know, I'm glad no one else showed up. That made it so much more entertaining. Hee.
-- Coach & Amy talk Playboy. Aims apparently likes the shower scene. (You know, just in case you wanted A/T fuel, although that's not my thing.) Anyway, they just show the same press conference thing from yesterday.
-- Nunzio steals Nathan Jones' wallet, and gets him laid out by Big Show & Albert.
-- Jay: "Nathan Jones face down in the shower. It's funny on so many levels."
-- commercials
-- Boot of the Week is Jazz being a psycho. Aims sounds like an idiot. [Note: I don't remember why this is exactly, but that's what my notes say, so I'm going with it. Poor thing. If she's going to be randomly insulted, at least I should remember *why*.]
-- Brock/Kurt package. I fear them.
-- You know, some of this music sounds like it belongs to a love story.
-- Which works, because they just need to have sex. Right now. Oh wait...wrong kind of PPV.
-- Oh God, it's Fred. *Now* the party's started.
-- ...I wonder why he wasn't invited to the rapoff? Cena obviously Fears Him. (Not that I'm complaining about seeing *less* Fred, but still.)
-- Arnold leads us to commercials. I leave for a bathroom break.
-- All I missed was more H/V pluggage. Go me!
-- It's sad that when Jerry says, "Then you saw...3 count!" I momentarily mark out.
-- Jay is trying to figure out if, semantically, this is an outdoor WM. Since there's a roof, and all, but it's otherwise not enclosed.
-- Sadly, for once, Kane is only halfway to the ring when the lyrics kick in.
-- Ha! Glen cross-bodied over the ropes! I'm so proud.
-- They go to commercial in the middle of the match. Assdonkeys.
-- K-Rock blows. This is unrelated to anything, I just feel it should be said.
-- We come back to Rob screaming in pain. Nice.
-- Sign: "We want Pete Rose". As Jay points out, this is the perfect opportunity.
-- Damn, those people in the crowd look cramped.
-- Someone has a little sign that says "2", so they don't even *have* to chant it. Ha! I may steal that.
-- Sign: "Cheese Eatin Surrender Monkeys" Which, okay, is pretty fucking random right about here.
-- The Duds 3-D Lance. Oh, Bisch'll be pissed.
-- Wait...then they hit RVD, too. Quoi? I got nothin.
-- Ooooooh...Dudley split angle! Bubba's gonna be all, "We *had* to!" and Deev all, "Have a heart!" and it'll be trauma.
-- More Austin/Rocky promoness. We switch over to the PPV channel. So far, it's just Marc Lloyd being an ass. What else is new.
Wrestlemania XIX
-- ATTITUDE! ENTERTAINMENT! ...Eh, it's no "World! One! Leader!". But good enough.
-- We open, of course, with Ashanti. Her outfit's...something.
-- Jay: "This is, like, *so* 80s."
-- Well, JR's definitely pro-war.
-- Jay: "Uh! Hunter! Holding down the promo!"
-- You know, this is a lot like last year's opening promo. (Add: Oh, wait, it is!)
-- They include the Van Shaneinator! Hee!
-- Someone threw something at Andre. That's just not cool.
-- God DAMN, that's a lot of pyro.
-- Sign: "Jay blows bubbles". I don't even know where to go with that.
-- I love the picture of the random guy's head between MC and Tazz.
-- Ho-HO! It's the return of Satan!Rey!
-- Actually, come to think of it, this is more a DareDevil look.
-- Matt Fact #1: Matt is appearing in his 4th Wrestlemania.
-- #2: He often wonders how they did WM without him. (As do I sometimes, Matt...as do I. No, wait, that's Jericho. My bad.)
-- Matt/Shan got in a quick grope there. Ahem.
-- Hee! They shouted out to the Moore-Ons! I'm so proud. Although now I wished I'd joined up last time I was there. Now it's been on TV and I won't be as hip. Heh.
-- Sign: "Chredgeley" !!! (*marks out*) Ah, the good ol' days.
-- Rey is such a little superhero. And Mikey is an idiot. ("Whirly twirly"? WTF?)
-- GO SHANNON!
-- ...Sorry.
-- I love when people kick out and Matt freaks out about it. Even if he always makes the same face.
-- Matt hit Shanny! Accidentally for once!
-- Matt ducked the WCP! And Cheated 2 Win! WHEEEEEEEEE!
-- Matt has Shannon in a headlock as they head to the back. Shannon's cracking up. *_* Cutest thing ever!!!
-- (*rereads above*) Dude, that is waaaaay too many exclamation points for one match.
-- The Miller Lite Catfight Girls show up in a helpfully marked limo and try to be funny. Operative word being TRY.
-- "The WWE's favorite band" (no I'm not kidding) plays. Rollin, to be specific, presumably for Mark's sake.
-- Jesus God, this sucks. Fred's all out of breath. Ha!
-- Oh, here's Mark, finally. Good for him. (I wonder if Fred thinks that pop was for him.)
-- I wouldn't be surprised if Mark loves WM, just for the opportunity to put some speed on that mofo, what with the ring being so far from the entrance and all.
-- He guy-hugged Fred. That just makes me laugh.
-- Handicap match. I wonder who Jones pissed off. (This time.)
-- Albert bends one of the side mirrors, then spits on the bike. Oooooh. Badass. NOW I fear him. (*rolls eyes*)
-- The match almost ends in five seconds. Ha! That would've been great. Especially after the length of the intro.
-- Tazz tries to call the FBI shady, and sounds like GD. [I'm assuming that means Goldust, although I don't remember this. Hee.]
-- Mark's dedicated the match to his serviceman nephew. Well now he *has* to win. Do it for America, Badass! And whatnot.
-- Jay and I both think Mark's going for the Crossface. That would've been pretty funny.
-- Sign: "You are butt." ...Yeah.
-- Sign: "Boooooo That's The Worst!" (*snicker*)
-- Albert has characters tattooed on one of his thighs. In case you ever cared to know that.
-- Why is this match still going when Matt/Rey lasted like 3 minutes?
-- A guy with Harvardesque hair suddenly stands up and headbangs. Random.
-- Alb gives Mark a crazy bike kick, then drops dead.
-- Mikey: "It's Nathan Jones!"
me: "Or it's Bull Buchanan. *That* would be random."
-- Sadly, this one second of action is the first time I've seen this guy *do* anything.
-- Jay: "Isn't it great how they kept him involved, but he didn't have to wrestle in a match?"
-- MLCG again. They and Stacy/Torrie giggle at each other. My brain hurts.
-- Someone leaves the mike on, and we hear them get congratulated after the segment. Heh.
-- Women's match. Trish comes out lookin all pretty (*lick*) and wanders away to get confetti. It was pretty weird. They couldn't have figured out a way to do that *at* the entrance?
-- Jazz's outfit is, like, sparkly cavewoman.
-- Vicky's pants look like they could be leather.
-- *Nice* spot smacking Trish on the apron.
-- Victoria is such a fucking psycho. It's great.
-- Oh, they're not leather, btw. And they're UGLY. Dammit.
-- I *love* everyone's mic-ing. The sound in this match cracks my shit up.
-- JR: "Lemme tell you, folks, that dog *will* hunt." (...Yup.)
-- VICKY CRACK!
-- Vicky throws in an awesome moonsault. Somewhere, Amy is pissed, as that's more or less her entire gimmick right there.
-- Stevie gets a Stratusfaction that looks really cool.
-- Trish finally won at WM! Woo! Go her! And go Team Jay!
-- Coach and Rocky. Oh, GOOD.
-- Rocky: "Oh, the Rock is a sellout. He sold out this and every other Wrestlemania he's been in." (Dude, he totally ripped off Jason on Behind The Music. Not cool.)
-- Anyhow, R realizes that Austin's been beatin his ass. He'll change that. No, really. No, *really*. Eh.
-- Our Favorite Walking Stereotypes head out.
-- Rhyno comes out with a frozen Team Angle graphic behind him, and something flying off his arm.
-- They're not even waiting until one set gets to the ring to send out the others. Sad.
-- MC references the Benoit/Guerrero love. Yeah. Respect.
-- We discuss Adam (awwww) and the Neck Surgery Clique.
-- Sign (2): "Lots of People Suck."
-- Tazz marks out for Eddy. It's really funny.
-- Chavo does one CRAZY flying head scissors on Benj. Better than Rey's "twirly".
-- Rhyno Gores people (and it's Great!) but TA sneaks one in and steals it. Whee!
-- MLCG bounce. Stacy and Torrie have a pseudo-fight, and the MLCG take it up, deciding to settle it in bed. (*shrugs*) Don't look at me, I didn't make that up.
-- Mmmm.... Chris/Shawn package. (*drool*)
-- I'm snarking all over the vid. I *really* need to write them.
-- Showing that they know their true audience, this vid ends with the exchanged bitchslaps and Stare of Lurve.
-- Well, his outfit doesn't suck. Completely.
-- Jerry says that they're making a WM: The Movie. Ideas, anyone? There are so many places I can go with this... (*brain melts down from exertion*)
-- Shawn comes out, jumping up and down like a small child.
-- He has confetti guns! Ha!
-- A couple of them don't shoot. I'll let you make the joke.
-- Chris pouts, and then flips off the camera. (*dies*)
-- I rather like Shawn's outfit, for once. It's Gay!Biker wear.
-- God, Chris is hot. My dear GOD. (*passes out*)
-- You know...that's going to be a father right there. (*ponders*)
-- Shawn does the corner pose, and *appears* to do the Guns as well. Somewhere, Jeff just passed out.
-- Shawn gets an Uber-Bitchslap, bringing the Psychology portion of the match to a close for now, heading into a mini-SpotFest.
-- Chris gets crotched on the *second* rope. OW.
-- Variation on the Shawn Rope Spot (TM). Hee!
-- Shawn gets beat up on the outside, and Kiwi (inadvertently?) counts "1" twice.
-- CJ appears to be having some kind of breakdown.
-- I will *always* mark for the Come On Baby Pin (TM).
-- Ceej steals the Flying Forearm/Kickup/Pose bit. (*is dead*) I love you, Chris Jericho.
-- Shawn does *2* kickups to beat him! Hee!
-- And we have blood!
-- JR: "What's Jericho gonna do here?"
me: "Something that's not gonna work, I'll wager."
-- Ceej does the Juke-n-Jive, steals Sweet Chin Music, but Shawn kicks out.
Jay: "Well I guess that means Shawn's gonna win." Dammit.
-- Shawn appears to go for the Walls of Jericho, but it's really just a slingshot spot. Tease.
-- Fuck, I just thought, "Go Shawn!" I should be excommunicated from the Church of Jericho.
-- Shawn missed! He's gonna tap! AGHHHHHHHH! TAP! TAP!
-- Wait...has Shawn *ever* tapped?
-- Chris *begs* (literally) the ref to tell him Shawn tapped out. Awww. Poor bastard.
-- Jerry refers to SCM as a mere superkick. Dude. Show some fucking respect.
-- Shawn does the Corner Spot. O_O
-- Chris lost! (*cries*)
-- Mom: "They're gonna hug."
me: "No they're not, Jericho's evil."
Chris/Shawn: (*hug*)
me: "Awwww!" (*pause*) "He's gonna hit him."
C: (*does, kicking him in the nuts*) (*catches S as he falls and hugs him again*)
me: "HA!" (*hearts CJ*)
-- Oh shit...it's a Goldberg promo.
-- Promo: "The man everyone wants to see"
me (YELLING at TV): "NOT ME, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!"
-- Anyway. Realization #1: CJ is still my fave. The bastard.
-- Realization #2: He didn't win because I forgot to wear his shirt. (*curses*)
-- We've decided that the best way for this to go would be for Jericho to feud with the Kliq for holding him down. Cause, hee, the meta.
-- Limp Bizkit again. Forgive me for not caring.
-- Jay and I both wondering why they're bothering to bleep the lyrics on a pay-per-view.
-- Fred totally should have yelled, "Get your ass up off your shoulders, baby!"
-- AGAIN, they show the same goddamned Torrie conference.
Torrie's insight: "It's the kind of thing our fans like to see."
me: "Naked chicks?" (*grumbles* Men.)
-- I will refrain from commenting on the Mega-Catfight, except to say that at least *last* year's running subplot was COOL.
-- Oh, and Stacy/Torrie need to make out, but tragically won't as they're on different shows. That is all.
-- Book/Trips package. You know, I kinda love the Bloody!Hunt/Flair/belt segment. I don't know why.
-- Hunter's shoulders scare me.
-- FYI, Book's in white, and H's in purple. Quoi? Dammit, I hate it when they won't let me play Wardrobe Game!
-- Jerry: "HHH is right, WCW was a joke!"
JR: "How long did *you* work there?"
Jerry: "Never."
JR: "Well I did."
Jerry: "Was it a joke?"
JR: "You're damn right!"
-- Jay: "Much as I'd like Booker to win, you don't bet against the Kliq!"
-- Jay and I argue the card position, and he calls the Fed retarded.
-- I have no idea what's happening in this match.
-- Jay wants H's face to get crushed: "And then he'll be out and maybe he'll become something worthy."
me: "You know he'd just go, 'I need to come back, I need to bulk up *more*.'"
Jay: "He'll become Kevin Nash."
me: "He'd need stilts for that. Besides, Kev's not top-heavy. He's mid-heavy."
-- Jay: "See, no one's into this match because they're like, Hunter's gonna win, why cheer for Booker?"
me: "And you *know* they're going to use the lack of crowd reaction as an excuse to hold Booker down."
Jay: "That's it! Booker and Jericho vs. the Kliq!"
-- As Jay says, "Flair is here to carry the match!" He tries to "help Booker up the stairs". Heh.
-- Hunter uses an Indian Deathlock. Jay points out that Terra Ryzing used the Indian Deathlock. The lightbulb goes off.
Jay: "That's who he's trying to be!"
me: "He's got the wings..."
Jay: "Just get rid of the logo on his ass."
me: "...and the purple..."
Jay: "He was watching tapes and went, 'Damn, I used to be a good wrestler.'"
me: "Someone told him to watch old tapes and remember how to be good, and he went back too far."
-- As JR might say, this crowd is "stunned"! (*snicker*)
-- B landed right on H's head, like Jay wanted. I yell, "Someone's getting de-pushed!" and we try to figure out if Hunter's legit knocked-out.
-- JR (to Jer): "Go down there to give him mouth-to-mouth if you're so concerned!"
-- Hunt wins, of course. The bastard.
-- ........................
-- THEY JUST ANNOUNCED WMXX AT MSG.
-- (*is so dead*)
-- Vince/Hogan is next. I'm proud of him. Doing the honorable thing. Good for him.
-- SHANE GLIMPSE! Sorry. It takes so little.
-- Am seriously amused by the voiceover of Vince saying, "I'm gonna kill it!" while stabbing Hogan violently with a pen.
-- Hogan rips up a sign saying "Vince still sucks". (No, I don't know why.)
me: "That was very Jericho-esque."
-- Vince's TitanTron literally terrifies me. It reminds me of propaganda.
-- Jay and I watch in anticipation of the first blade.
-- This match is so "interesting" that I drop the legal pad I'm supposed to be taking notes on off the couch, look at it, and go, "Eh."
-- Vince poses, and makes a weird snake hissing noise.
-- And we have a blade!
-- Holy shit! One of the Spanish Announcers took a chairshot!
-- Tazz: "Even the Spanish Announce guy is bleeding!"
Jay: "You mean the Spanish Announce guy bladed? This company is *hardcore*!"
-- V grabs a ladder. Apparently, he thinks he's Shane.
-- V climbs the ladder. Jay *yells*, "DO A SWANTON!"
-- Instead, he legdrops H through the Spanish Announce Table. Woo!
-- V pops up slowly from the apron, bleeding, clutching a lead pipe, and generally looking fucking psychotic.
me: "THAT'S the Satan shot."
Tazz: "Heeeeeeere's Vince!"
-- Hey, Piper's here! And he is FAT!
-- His shirt, in the Hot Rod font, says, "Frats!" I don't know what that means.
-- BHeb tries to keep Vince from getting the pipe, and gets *seriously* hung up in the ropes.
-- Hot!Canadian!Ref comes out, but another ref tries (and fails) to stop him.
-- I'm still trying to figure out why that sign appears to have a picture of Noodle from Gorillaz on it.
-- Hogan wins, and makes a weird, "Now I can die" face. But dammit, now I'm upset -- I count on my matches involving McMahons for my Recommended Daily Allowance of swerve.
-- ............
-- PERHAPS I SPOKE TOO SOON.
-- .....................SO PRETTY!
-- PRETTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-- Okay, let's try that again. It's Shane. In a suit. (*promptly dies*)
-- 4th time's a charm? Yeah. He comes in, signals he has no beef with Hulk (who holds the ropes for him, hee), goes and checks on Vince. Picks up V's head -- V can't move, except to flip off H.
-- Sadly, all I could think was, "He'll get blood on his nice suit!"
-- R/A promo. Fred's a crack addict, btw. No, really. He says so.
-- Awww, they really *are* gonna let Kurt main-event. (*tears up*)
-- Austin and Rocky are still in love, in case you were curious. They're staring. A looks guileless, and R looks hurt.
-- As much as I hate to say it, I think they're one of my OTPs.
-- JR just commented on A's "cold blue eyes". Hee, closet ficcer.
-- Jay has discovered the ringside area is now considered Hell. Useful info.
-- They mention Rocky's college football team (ahem). I involuntarily look sharply up at the screen. For I am nothing if not Mega-Pavlovian.
-- BTW, Heb has twice told Austin, "There are rules in this game!" (And boundaries! And an end zone!)
-- You know something...it's just occurred to me that I don't really want to see this match again. Huh.
-- JR: "He is gonna break Austin's legs or die trying." (Doesn't strike me as worth the death, or anything, but hey.)
-- Rocky puts on the vest and starts spraying water. Hee.
-- Not just a double clothesline (my favorite move) but a FLYING double clothesline! Woo!
-- Someone made a comment here that I lost. Bastards.
-- They trade each other's finishers again. You know...that was better in the weeks leading to WMX7. That's all I'm sayin.
-- No one will EVER sell the Stunner like Rocky.
-- ...Okay, except maybe Shane with a beer. Heh.
-- Rocky ripped Austin's vest, you know. And did *two* People's Elbows.
-- JR puts great delivery on "THAT RATTLESNAKE REFUSES TO *DIE*!!!!!!!"
-- I think Rocky's having a nervous breakdown. (Is this a theme?)
-- ...Rocky won. *That* was anti-climactic.
-- Shit, dude, I thought Rocky was goin in to kiss Unconscious!Austin. That would have made the match worth watching.
-- Awww, Rocky went over the barricade to see his family. Jay thinks he's crying. We suspect there's more going on than they're telling us.
-- MC just forgot to mention Rocky. That was the final nail in the coffin of my One True Unrequited Pairing. Rest in peace, Rocky/Cole. You shall be missed. (*waves Cole/Tazz banner and goes in search of a new OTUP*)
-- ...Oh, it's Brock/Kurt. I really can't look.
-- No, really. I have *serious* butterflies. I may be sick. I'm sorry, guys, but I can't recap this match. Speaking of anti-climactic. You'll have to forgive me for the crappy end to the recap.
-- Cole's voice is totally shot. It's actually really funny.
-- It's completely sad that the commentary alone is making me close my eyes, and I'm not even facing the screen.
-- Brock won. Everyone's still alive. Thank God.
-- Although, for the record, I think Brock's gonna hurl (I did watch the replay of the botched SSP -- that shit's fucked up, yo), and now, you can *see* in Kurt's eyes how much pain he's in.
-- They hug. And not like Chris/Shawn -- a genuine, clingy hug, and it makes me teary.
-- Well, that leads us to the closing vid, which reminds us of two points: 1) CJ/Shawn was a great match, and 2) Rey/Matt was like four minutes long, which is a fucking crime.
-- This show was rather good. But it makes me wibble.
-- And that's it, with no smartass comment. Thanks for reading. (*waves*)