Date: Mon Apr 2, 2001 3:12 am
Subject: It's not a recap....really.....

I said I wasn't gonna recap WM.

And, well...I didn't *lie*....technically.

Here's Wrestlemania, match-by-match, in 1) haiku form and 2) 14-word form. Because yeah, I never back down from the writing challenges that my mind sets for itself. Granted, it's all pretty much unintelligible as far as trying to figure out what happened on the show, but that's never my goal anyway.

Oh yeah, the haikus are all 5-7-5, I just didn't divide up the sentence fragments because it's easier to read this way. Feel free to call me on extra syllables (or words, in the latter versions), since I'm too friggin tired to have caught all of them.

~~ Lily
who is now going the hell to sleep, ignoring the fact that the more times she sees the Austin/Rocky promo vids using "My Way", the more she wants to songfic them.

Wrestlemania, in a different form.

Chris Jericho v. William Regal (Intercontinental Title Match)
See Chris curtain-jerk.
Regal's chest turns shocking pink.
My Boy's win's abrupt.

Chris loses the use of an arm. Small price to pay for intact dignity.

The APA & Tazz v. the Right to Censor
Why wasn't this first?
No momentum to be found.
Score one for free speech.

Bradshaw finds his new calling as motivational speaker. The match slips my mind entirely.

Raven v. Kane v. The Big Show (Triple Threat Hardcore Title Match)
A plate glass window
Makes someone *bleed* for once;
Don't forget the golf carts.

Scotty's health is put in actual *peril* -- who *cares* about the other two guys?

Test v. Eddy Guerrero (European Title Match)
Drew dwarfs Eddy,
For all the good it does --
Eddy's friends come out to play.

Radicalz stick together. Now if only they weren't so disturbing to imagine sticking together.

Chris Benoit v. Kurt Angle
Sociopath turns face;
Angle turns sociopath;
The mind boggles.

I bet if you watch on a scrambled TV, this looks like gay porn.

Ivory v. Chyna (Women's Title Match)
Joanie forgoes pants.
Style does not improve for it.
Still, it's just a squash.

Fashion is the key. The Fed's superheroine dresses the part; Ivory keeps her top.

Shane McMahon v. Vince McMahon (Street Fight)
It's not Vince's night.
Slap from Trish, kick from Linda,
Shane near cracks his skull.

Shane cribs from RVD, twirls a kendo stick, and is damn appealing for it.

The Dudley Boyz v. Edge & Christian v. the Hardy Boyz (Tables, Ladders, & Chairs II -- Tag Title Triple Threat Match)
Carnage all around.
No one spared, that's for certain...
Jeffy's still alive!

With all the effort to top the last, couldn't they have changed the *winners*?

Gimmick Battle Royal
So much speculation,
All of which comes to naught.
This is so old-school.

*Less* than nothing happens, but Geno and the Brain commentate in the gonzo style.

Triple H v. the Undertaker
Cheap table ahoy!
Mark stomps down the referee.
The streak continues.

Even Hunter's gold design, unbladed forehead, and favorite phallic symbol can't stop the streak.

The Rock v. Stone Cold Steve Austin (World Title Match -- No Disqualification)
Austin has turned heel!
Sells his soul to Vince McMahon.
Texas does not care.

Finishers-a-go-go, and the "shocking" swerve is no real shock at all.