WOTCHa SpAdGERs!

Wotcha you lot, I'm Jay-Bird, alright? And I live with the Maximals in the Axalon on Urf. This is my web page, in case anybody wants to read about a Maxette cadet and wot she gets up to!

The Axalon is a Maximal spaceship. Maxies are good guys, right? Anyhow, it carried special incubator pods with baby protos in - 'podbots' I calls 'em. They look all swooshy and and melty like they in't finished, but when they come out they are, with a grown-up body, altmode and proper built-in know-how for whatever environment.

The Axalon was meant to go on a special long-term field trip, but it got in a fight with Predacons instead. They're the baddies. They escaped through a hole in space, a portal, and took us with 'em by accident. Everyone wound up back in time, the Ax spilled its cargo of pods and crashed on a planet with grass, mountains and waterfalls and stuff.

I'm not out a pod, though - I hid in the ship on Cybertron when I was... err... 'borrowing' stuff. I fell in a supply box and conked my head. Ouch! I was out for the count! They got a big surprise later when they found me!

Now I'm a Maxette, I got a birdy-body disguise with real feathers, so I can fly around and not be affected by the weird radiation here. We call it Urf coz there are creatures like Yumins here and they wave sticks and make axes and stuff. I'm a research assistant. I get to explore and scout, learn to fix, play loud music and annoy Cheetor. Sometimes I borrow stuff, but Uncle Jojo makes me give it all back...

Stone me if we in't the weirdest-lookin' herd you've ever seen... No, I really mean it. See, we got our critter modes out the Axalon's Yumin database. But we in't on the Yumin homeworld, y'see. This is a new world - round here, they don't got cheetahs or rhinos, they got 'sabre cats', 'toxodons' and 'mammoths' an' stuff. Still, you work with wot you got, right?

Cheetor: Little Cat's one of those likable high-school boys wot dreams of walking in their hero's footsteps. Reckless, full o' beans, eager to go. He takes it personal sometimes when folks say "No Cheetor, it's too dangerous!" Then he goes out to prove he can do it... and that's when the trouble starts!
Actually, that sounds kinda familiar...
He wants to be a big hero himself, one day. I tease him, "He-Man, or Battlecat?" Chet's a cheetah-cat, if you din't guess.

Rattrap: How can I put it? Ratz is off my side of the street. Not a thing he's got, knows or uses that he's not, err... 'acquired' in the course of carrying out jobs for other people. All of 'em pretty shady. Hustler, spy, thief, ace hacker, munitions expert, crack shot with a sidearm. Nothing keeps him off his target if he wants it badly - not the best locks, security, fences - nothing. Off the job, he swindles, gambles, boozes - all that. Wot 'Nox calls a 'self-centred materialist'. But you know..? Got a soft centre, he has. Fusses like an old woman. He knows when he's got to do the good thing. Three guesses wot he turns into?

Rhinox: Fort Knox more like. You'll not get past him if you're not meant to! He's heavy, strong and tough with a major gun you don't want to be on the wrong end of. But wot amazes me is wot else he is. He's a mechanic, inventor, computer genius and he's a meditation guru and counsellor. 'Nox don't talk much but when he does it's deep. He holds the place together. Weird... but it all works. If you ask nice, he lets folks ride on his back in beast mode! You don't need to ask wot he becomes, do ya?

Dinobot: All teeth, claw and tail to look at - Chopper's a Predacon! All Preds are born warriors but not all mod. Preds are sneaky, like Megatron's gang. Well... Dinobot is sneaky, but he's got warrior's honour, like in samurai movies you see on DV-ROM. And that's why he left Megs and joined us. Got a flare for the dramatic, too - he likes quoting Shakespeare. He suspects everything and looks for danger everywhere; "Megatron could strike any moment when your guard is down!" Ratz tells him lighten up. He tells him to shut up. Talk about married, those two! Oh, he's a raptor.

Optimus Primal: Not the oldest in the group. But he's the leader, no argument about that. He does all the right hero things, he knows all the rules and how to organise and plan and tell folks off just enough. He knows how to listen, how to laugh and when to be serious - and how to get all us sorted out for any event. Yes, he is a big strong gorilla, he can fly and he's got big guns. But we don't resent him. He's not our ruler. We respect him, coz... y'know. He's Optimus Primal.

Silverbolt: Blackarachnia says she don't like 'nice' and despises 'cute'. Silverbolt proves she's a liar. Jojo, as Blackie calls him, is a classic storybook hero - the knight-in-shining-armour sort. Once he laid optics on Blackie the Predacon, he was smitten. She beat him up, but he din't care. And once he learnt she was a Maxie proto who'd been turned into a Pred, he was determined to bring her home. Wot a nice guy - I mean, wot a ham! Jojo's a winged wolf with eagle claws... a Fuzor.

Blackarachnia: Blackie, as Silverbolt will admit, has a thing for warm fur coats! She's highly agile like a ninja shadow warrior, and loathes Megatron coz... I think coz his employee health-care plan weren't too good. She's a 'bad girl in all the right places' as she puts it, which means she acts wot she thinks will get you all hot under the collar to suit her purposes. She used to act funny when she saw me with Jojo. But I don't fancy him - he's my adopted uncle! These days I think she's adopted me..!

Jay-Bird: [Described by Rattrap as "Oh joy, another pain in the aft to baby-sit!" Jay-Bird is a tomboy with a heart of gold, a talent for theft and a healthy mischievous streak! While adventurous like her 'cousin' Cheetor, she has no ambitions for fame or greatness, as publicity and status traps a person, removing the freedom to pursue their own whims or desires. However, she understands the value of co-operation and enjoys the company of the other Maximals. Like everyone else, she wishes to see Cybertron again, but overall this primitive world isn't so bad. With Predacon exceptions, that is..!]

The Decepticons augmented their forces. They created soldiers with the hunting and predatory instincts o' nature's finest an' fiercest carnivores. And that was the Predacons. An' they was successful - the Autobots had to work hard to equal the Predacons, but they finally did - an' that was the Maximals. The war continued to rage... an' of all the Decepticons, the Predacons was the most legendary. There was lots of warrior's honour and code an' stuff like that - the Preds was vicious yet noble in their way.

Says Dinobot. Anyhow, the Great Wars ended and peace was declared. The Preds weren't happy o' course, but it was all done proper and they had to knuckle down and live with it. Most did. Some Preds couldn't - natural hunters etc. They thought Cybertronians should be more like themselves - "Conquerers, not cowering mice!"

Yeah, well. Somewhere in this mix is where Megatron likes to think he comes in. He's no leader or commander - just some Mafioso boss with delusions of grandeur. A criminal on the run, he is - stole some ancient data disks from the Maximal vaults an' thinks he can use 'em to find a secret horde of energon that'll make the Predacons big again. And they'll love him for it an' make him their leader..? Yeah, right!

So guess wot intrepid band's gotta find him and bring him in...

Megatron:

Tarantulus:

Scorponok:

Inferno:

Reiven:

Terrorsaur:

Quickstrike:

Waspinator:

Wotcha Ashel!
Never wrote across dimensions before. Weird, innit? My world, we're Metal based. Your world, you're Organics. My world, we sorta look like wot Rhinox calls 'Yumins' (uprights with no hair but thinking brains... apparently!) and turn into critters (4-foots), but your world, you're 2-footed critters wot look Yumin, an' act and think like us!
Our ship's computers crashed last week (AGAIN). I dunno the technical blurb, I'm still a bit new. It was something to do with wot Nox calls 'quantum surges'. Everything crashes round here. We even crashed on this weird organic world coz of surges...
Yeah, yeah. Wotever. Anyhow, he's fixed the fault. I got to have a fiddle again - cool thing is, now this 'portal' thingy's appeared and I can spy on folks from other Universes through it. See wot you get up to. Send e-mail too! I seen a quick snap of you from surveilance on your ship. Your ID said you was called Ashel. Looks like you're a bit new to ship life yourself. Bet we got a lot in common.
Wanna swap notes?

My respectful and curious greetings dear...lady?
Is that usage correct seeing as you are apparently a mech/silicon lifeform? There is a race of such lifeforms here in my universe (for want of a better term; physics is not my strong suit, I fear) known as The Von, but I do not believe they have distinct genders. And seeing as there is much bad blood and little contact between them and we organics, I doubt I could easily find out.
But I digress...
I admit to having been suspicious of your message on its face. I am a soldier and a servant, charged my entire life with a duty to the safety of good people; suspicion and skepticism are my nature.
But my technically-accomplished friend Desmond assures me the unique wave signature of your transmission makes the notion of extradimesional communications quite plausible.
By the grace of the great Lady my sword is pledged to, I send this reply. I welcome further notes with pleasure and intrigue.

Ashel: A pretty serious guy, Muffin's dead gorgeous too, but just don't see it. Silverbolt's got an eye for the ladies. Ashel's got ... no clue! A Musketeer-samurai to their Majesties on his home world, the local galactic Forces of Darkness invaded and well... that was his home gone. *sigh* Her Ladyship come in time to stop him doing something rash, hinted at how she was heading an on-going... unique mission to stop the baddies. Now he works for her. Same job role, really - confidante, defender, etc.
Did he realise wot he was getting into, though? A guildship full of eroticists? Staff meetings in the main baths - literally! Mr Proper meets the uninhibited! Plus there's Tyn to deal with...

Kilter: Aramis to Ashel's D'Artagnian. Sort of. Likes his intrigues and his womenfolk... and his menfolk... sometimes both. Been described as 'an incorrigible wastrel', 'rampant', and 'adventurous' - you figure it out. Long as he can put his own flair to it, there in't much he won't do for the cause, bedroom or battlefield - an' not forgetting the social circles, neither. He's a charmer! A right James Bond with a twist. No wonder he's her Ladyship's number one trusted agent - he always gets results! Puts a sword or blaster about just as fancy, too. How he keeps so cheerful when the going gets tough, I'll never know!

Milady: Lady Amada Di Astarrte, Directrix Secundus of the Eroticists' Guild. *phew!* Wot a woman! Mary Poppins meets Marilyn Monroe! She's this Urf-Mother type - a natural at bein' sexy an' motherly at the same time. Smart, forward-thinkin', polished on protocol and leadership, too - she knows all the right folks, things to do and stuff to say, be it full scale war or teenage crisis.
An' wot a mission! See, this corner o' the Universe is in a right state. Dark forces at work, etc. Interplanetary conflicts, corruption, chaos. "Fortunately we can do something about it," says her Ladyship, and while entertaining the troops, the Guild use their... feminine wiles to undermine the enemy. "It's all very clever, trust me..."
Welcome to the most unlikely conspiracy centre ever!

Mrs Desmond: Molly's got sisters. About 1000 of 'em, all like her, scattered round the cosmos, living their lives. OK, so she's a clone - so wot? This - every sister is mindlinked to every other sister! Like a twin-thing on a vast scale.
Ash thinks this means Mrs D's technically hitched to 1000 menfolks, but he's wrong o' course. It means she can tap into the 'hive mind', recall things she in't learnt, and contacts she's not met (but it's amazing wot a quick flirt an' a "My sister told me all about you..!" can do). And o' course it makes her easily as important as Sleer when it comes to inside info an' staying one step ahead of the enemy!
Mrs D is still Mrs D, of course, loves Desmond to bits. And wot a boost for him, knowin' there's 1000 girls out there wot'd love to meet him?

Sleer: Seems anyone on ship wot in't a Fuzzie is exotic. That makes Sleer real exotic! Sleer's this slinky seductress with odd 'Golem' type talk, an' the only one with a deadlier hug than Tyn!
She's also this eccentric psychic who's perception of time always shifts - past and future all mixing up in her mind an' senses. She's all dreamy and psychedelic, then suddenly comes out with stuff to wake you up. Like "how is that leg mending, my preciousss..?" when you in't broke it - yet! Creepy, but nifty if you chat a while to find out who's gonna do it - and then you can stop 'em. Course, Ladyship's already well wise to this odd resource, and uses it to the Guild's advantage.

Bliss: On a lot o' corrupt worlds, this is wot they do to criminals. Take the thinking bits out your real body and cyborg you into a spaceship guidance system with just a hologram body. Called a 'shipper' but means bein' a slave. Wot Blissy's convicted of I dunno, but most think she din't do it anyhow. More of a victim than a criminal. Looks like she ate a lemon, with attitude to match. Can't say I blame her. Ladyship bought up the spacecraft and rebuilt it nicer for Blissy to operate round, but she still scowls a lot and won't talk much to folks. She's majorly smart, and if she decides to like you, she likes you. Like Desmond or her Ladyship. Smiles at me on special occasions.

Desmond: Ship's resident engineer, handyman and technical whizz. In't much he can't figure out, fix up or improve. Friendly working-class type, he is. You'll not see him at parties, "too fancy for me", he says. Even happily does domestic fixes 'just coz' - no charge, just a hug and a thanks will do! And all he wants - 'self-effacing', think they call that. Every girl should've got a dad or grandpa like him. He's a total softie! No wonder Mrs Desmond loves him so much! Lot to be said for the 'older man' if you get a good 'un. Thinks he's very lucky to have found Mrs Molly. She feels the same about him!

K'tiri: Ladyship's security chief and head bouncer, this one. A tough bird from the mean streets - used to be a legbreaker for a criminal syndicate till she reformed and joined the Eroticists' Guild. First time I met her we got into a fight! Sorta. Testing each other out, I s'pose. I won, of course. Then Kilter tells me to give her a kiss?! But she's a girl! "So what? Give her a kiss, show there's no hard feelings." So I snogged her something major, got a whack on the back that'd make Dinobot wince, and told I was OK. We've been mates ever since! Wotever works, I s'pose...

Tyn: Look at that eager little face... in't she cute? Thirteen, full o' hormones and a hug like a magnet. Tynsel here was orphaned by war on her homeworld, her Ladyship fell for her and decided to adopt. That or she got hugged... 'cause I seen limpets let go easier'n wot Tyn does if she likes you. Hee!
Other than that, she's cool - likes clothes, pop concerts, parties, hates school, loves boys, etc. In fact, she's boy-crazy, that one. Did I mention she's got a honking great crush on Ashel? Can't say I blame her, though. Poor Muffin. In't life cruel?

And then you got me. One time, I thought Terry was the bad boy for me, like Blackie was for Silverbolt, now I know patience brings rewards. Ashel's my man. Or Fuzzie, anyway! Took him ages to twig it, though. Not used to girls that way. Warrior monk upbringing an' basic diet o' chili-con-carne prolly din't help much... but royal circles and soldier training's polished him up nice. He'll do!
Does Tynsel know about us? Well, if she does, she in't lettin' on. An' nor am I, 'cause Tyn's my fave little sis! We have a lot of fun, we do - which keeps Ash on his toes, Tyn happy, an' her Ladyship pleased!

Giuseppe: Energetic devil, this one. Some'd call him 'all-American', 'cept we in't on Urf, nor America. Pretty good at ship stuff an' protocols, but he's not as stiff 'bout it as Ashel, bless his tail. He's got good military instincts too - he twigs combat strategies real quick. Prefers outsmarting or outmanouvring his foes to fightin' 'em, though. On his homeworld, he was into a game of soccer or two, which accounts for a lot. Hey, wotever works... "A promising young midshipman," Ladyship calls him.

Dr Robin: Doctor Robin is the amiable physician of the starship 'Cat's Pajamas', and a longtime confidante of Milady. She's also a first-class eroticist in her own right when nothing medical requires her attention.

BIRD CALLS 21/1/08

• Blue sky; Wasabi flies through the air left; '~'
• Wasabi flies through the air right; >_<
• Pan back; Sachi and Jay-B play tennis with wings and tail, using Wasabi as the ball!
  Wasabi; "OKAY OKAY! I'll take the dang webcam OUT the bathroom!!" >_<

BIRD CALLS 13/1/08

• Charity kissing booth; notice reads 'PECK - $1, SMOOCH - $5'
• Tinker offers coin. JB; "Mwah!"
• Max offers coin. JB; "Mwah!"
• Slick Puppy offers $2. JB; "Mwah! Mwah!"
• Zigzag from right, waves a $10 note. Jay-B; startled!

• Pink wings and tiger-stripe tail behind booth counter.
• Lacy Valentine icon...
• 'SNOG!' in spiky capitals.
• Zig rises, dishevelled, dizzy spiral overhead.
• ZZ departs; dizzy spiral. Jay-B rises; smug, holds $20 note!
• Max, Slick, Tinker; "?"
  Jay-B; "Paid me $10 to stop!"

BIRD CALLS 9/1/08

• Bulkhead background. J-B; mug and camp stove on counter, milk pan on gas ring.
  OOV; "BigBot, you seen my DS-9 model? I swear it was in here yesterday..."
  
• J-B with mug; milk pan boiling on stove.
  OOV; "It's not with me, Cheetor. Have you asked Jay-Bird..?"
  
• Close up of stove as J-B pours; gas ring is DS-9 model.
  OOV; "Hey, Jay-B, you seen my DS-9?"
• J-B, casual, steaming mug in hand; "Nope!"
  'Camp stove' plays; 'Sisko to Engineering. We've got a problem!'

DOG BYTES 25/12/07
by Tinker

• Cybertron background. Beta Procyon, white fluffy scarf, snow globe chest-domes;
  "Heya! Merry X-Brawn!"
  Alpha Trion, santa outfit; "?"
• Beta frowns; "No, err... X-Car! Merry... X-Men?"
  Alpha Trion; *glances skywards*
• Beta, looks up, ponders; "X-Tinctioners? No, don't tell me, I know it's an X-something..!"
  Alpha Trion; *facepalms*
  

BIRD CALLS 18/8/07

• 'SKUNK ADDICT' graffiti, white font on black background
• Same image, part obsured by speech; "Ahhhhh, can't get enuffa this wonderful stuff..!"
• Camera pull back, living room. Jay-B in punk
  T-shirt, hugging armfuls of toy skunks "..in't they CUTE?!"
^-^

BIRD CALLS 30/7/07

• Blurred corridor background. Jay-B cuddles Ashel affectionately. Ashel; 'bandit' face-shading.
• Kissing...
• ..and part. Ashel; back to camera.
  J-B; "!"
• Camera angle; Ashel's face-shading now 'black eye' format.
  J-B ¬_¬ aside to camera; "Slickpuppy's been at the inks again..."

BIRD CALLS 27/7/07

• Living room; Jay-B walks left. Max with TITS magazine.
• Jay-B walks right. Max with BOOBS magazine.
• Sniggering from Max. Jay-B walking left. "?"
• J-B peeks behind Max at magazine.
• Magazine hides female Transformer instruction sheets!
• WHAP!! "PERVERT!"
  "Ow!"