STILL HIDING
When I was a kid, I use to hide from my old man. I'd hear him call me in that drunken stupor voice he had and I'd KNOW what he wanted. But instead of facing him like a man, I would go and hide somewhere in the house, praying and hoping that he wouldn't find me. Sometimes he did, but sometimes he didn't have to.
He always knew that I would come out if he went after Mom. I'd pray sometimes that she would hide too, but she never did; she'd stand to face him, trying to shield me from a beating. A beating! I wished that's ALL it had been!! I could've faced him then. But he wanted more than that from me.
Nobody had to tell me that what he was doing was wrong; it hurt too much to be right! But again, I'd hide it from others. Both my Mom AND my Dad would lie about how I got this bruise or that broken arm and I would go along with the lie. In fact, I became pretty good at it myself -- telling my friends that I had missed a step going downstairs; that I had pulled too hard on a stuck door; stuff like that. I hid behind the lies, unable to withstand the truth.
When he died, I thought the lies would end; but they didn't. I always use to think that I'd be free if he would just die! But I wasn't; I didn't know HOW to be. To me, love was hurt and pain; love was humiliation and anguish; love was not to be trusted. And so, despite his death, I continued to hide my heart and my feelings -- never letting anyone close.
While I was in the SEALs, I made friends. This, too, proved to be a mistake because they couldn't be trusted either. It seemed that, no matter how much I invested in someone, I always ended up getting slapped down for it. Members of the team would let me down in dangerous situations or I would end up getting transferred and forgotten about. And then there was Richter!
He saw through me -- to the person I am inside and tried to get me to stop hiding. At first, I was flattered that someone of his reputation and stature had taking such an interest in a "green" SEAL. But, I found that his interest wasn't necessarily so honorable -- or so self-sacrificing. Like everyone else in my life to that point, he WANTED something from me.
At that point, I wasn't opposed to giving him what he wanted. I might have learned about sex the hard way, but I eventually learned how to try to enjoy it as well. I had been with several women who taught me tenderness and had discovered that it didn't ALWAYS have to be an act of violence. But Richter was a soldier and brutality is the name of the game!
Once again, I hid from the truth. When questioned about why I ended up so roughed up after my first practice mission with his team, I lied -- as I had been taught to do -- and said I had screwed up and ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. Of course, this was the answer the officials wanted. Nobody wants to hear the truth ... right?!
But Richter ... he seemed to appreciate the lies, and our relationship became less harsh -- more giving. I know that the others on the team knew what was going on, but no one talked about it. It was best to hide the things that the conventional world doesn't understand or agree with. We did our jobs, we risked our lives, that's ALL that anyone really cared about anyway!
My last mission with the team ended horribly in everyone's death but mine and Richter's. I know that he's still out there -- somewhere -- and I wonder if it's HIS turn to "hide" now?! I left the SEALs shortly after that and was lost for a long time. I joined the Legacy -- just like my old man had -- and have tried to lose myself (and at times my life) in the job.
When I first joined the Legacy, Philip Callaghan and I became great friends. I tried not to trust him, but his charming Irish manner got the better of me and we became really tight. I know that I loved him -- more as a friend than anything else -- and I always felt it back from him. But he seemed unable to go any further and I was afraid to push; these things just don't happen between guys in the "orthodox" world and I didn't want to risk losing his friendship.
So I hid. I hid my true feelings and desires for him. Whenever he'd get too close to me physically, I'd shy away, afraid he would notice that I was getting aroused. Whenever he confided in me, I'd put him down for his actions in order to spare MYSELF from getting too close.
And then came Julia. She saved my life -- for a while! I learned (during a night of heavy-duty drinking) that her life hadn't been all that different from my own, and I found myself confiding in her ... opening up for the first time! We became friends and we became lovers; something I was CERTAIN would never happen between Philip and I.
But, shortly after my relationship with Julia came out in the open, Philip decided to leave the Legacy to become a Priest. To this day, I STILL wonder why ... why such a sudden and erratic change in a man I THOUGHT I had known so well! I felt betrayed by his leaving and found that, once more, I hid myself from everyone and everything.
Then, I lost her! Derek sent her off on her own and she was killed. A part of me STILL can't forgive him for that! She was all I had for so long and I found myself crawling even FURTHER into the protective shell I've built around my heart.
But Derek was there; despite what I said to him -- despite how I berated or disobeyed his authority -- he was always THERE! Although we've conflicted often about authoritative matters, we've shared a kind of friendship. Lately, now that things have calmed down in the House, I've begun to wish that there could be more to our relationship than just friendship. But, he's the "boss" -- the Legacy is his life and he would NEVER risk it ... not for ANYTHING.
And so, I continue to hide; continue to hide my desire and attraction for the man who shows me so much compassion, understanding and tenderness; continue to hide my true feelings of love and desire for him; continue to hide what I REALLY want in life -- his love.
I see the way he looks at me sometimes and I start to wonder. Could it be that SOMEDAY I won't have to hide anymore; SOMEDAY I won't have to be afraid anymore; SOMEDAY I won't be alone anymore?! I don't know.
But until that "someday" comes, I will continue to be "still hiding".
Entry by Lace
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