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Be strong in the power of love
In time it will fail you
Find hope in the well of humanity
In time you will fall as have we all
Your faith in the goodness of the light of the universe
Will blind you as you see its brilliant darkness
Your heart full of life and love will die in its temple
When your love isn't returned...
--The Last Dance, "Innocents"
The first thing that registered was a thunderous headache, quickly followed
by pain in his back as he shifted. Derek groaned and tried to stretch, his
back popping and settling into alignment.
He steeled himself and slowly opened his eyes, instantly realizing his
mistake as stars exploded behind them. "Oh Gott," he groaned.
The dozing figure slumped in a chair suddenly started awake, and an instant later Nick was at his side. "Derek -- You're awake!"
"I guess I must be," Derek answered, his voice little more than a dry croak, "I wouldn't feel so terrible otherwise..."
"Derek," Nick whispered, briefly touching his cheek then drawing back suddenly, "I've got to tell Rachel you're awake."
"Wait..." Derek whispered, pausing to try to swallow. Nick saw this and grabbed a cup of water from the bedside table, helped Derek carefully sit up and sip from it. "Thank you," Derek whispered, carefully raising a hand to rub at his forehead. "Mijn Gott..." he murmured, recent events beginning to filter through the haze in his mind, "Is Philip okay?"
Nick smiled crookedly for an instant, then sobered again and said, "He's on the mend. I think, maybe, you should talk to him before Rachel sees you..."
"Does he hate me, Nick?" Derek whispered, remembering the expression in Philip's eyes when he left with Arkadi.
"No, Derek, he doesn't hate you. I think it might take a little while for us to all put this behind us, but he knows you did what you did to free him," Nick answered, trying to ignore the tiny voice of doubt at the back of his mind.
Derek looked down for a moment, avoiding Nick's gaze as much as Nick was avoiding his, then he looked up and said, "Yes. I think I need to speak with him..."
"I'll go get him," Nick said softly, hoping he wasn't about to cause a disaster when things actually seemed to be improving again...
When Nick tapped on the door, Philip opened it and let him in, then continued towelling his hair dry as he asked, "What is it, Nick? You're awfully excited..."
"Derek's awake," Nick said, somewhat upset that he had missed a chance to shower with Philip, although he was appreciating the fit of the worn jeans his friend was dressed in. "Before you go to see him, do you need me to check your back?"
"No -- I had Rachel look at it b'fore I showered. She's already been in ta bandage me up again...said I should be able t' keep th' bandages off next time if I don't do anythin' dumb..."
"Like one of your killer soccer matches, huh?" Nick asked with a grin.
"Somethin' like tha'," Philip answered, walking to the mirror and combing his hair. He looked at Nick's reflection, seeing the worry he was trying to hide. "I'll be okay, Nick. An' I'm not gonna run out on ya again..." He watched as Nick ducked his head, then added, "I know, I haven' given you much reason t' trust that, have I..."
"It's not that right now," Nick answered softly. "I'm just...I dunno how things are going to go with you and Derek, and I'm not even sure how things are going to go with me and him...I -- I just don't want to think about it right now..."
"Don' blame ya," Philip said softly, suddenly at his side. He kissed Nick gently on the cheek, then said, "I should talk ta him b'fore Rachel does..."
"Yeah," Nick answered. "Let me know when to tell her, okay?"
Philip nodded, then headed quietly for Derek's room, sneaking in before anyone else saw him out in the hallway.
When he entered Derek's room, Philip found him leaning back against the pillows and massaging his temples, his brow creased in obvious pain. As the door shut, Derek jumped and looked up, relaxing slightly when he saw it was Philip. "Sorry, Derek, didn' mean t'startle you..." Philip apologized, lowering his voice when he saw Derek's frown deepen. "Head hurts?"
"Ja, you could say that," Derek answered, his voice still scratchy. He looked over at the now-empty glass and sighed, then started to climb clumsily out of the bed.
"Wait, Derek, what d'you need, I'll get it," Philip said, hurrying to his side just as Derek's wobbly legs began to crumple beneath him. He helped Derek back into the bed and said, "You need some water? I c'n do tha'..."
"I'm so thirsty," Derek complained, sitting back as Philip took the small decanter from Derek's dresser and headed to the bathroom. He ran the cold water in the sink for a few moments, then filled the decanter and returned to Derek's side. He poured a glass of water, then made sure Derek didn't drop it as he took it with hands that trembled slightly. In less than a minute Derek drained the glass and handed it back to Philip for more. "From the way I feel," Derek said, pausing in the middle of emptying the second glass, "I suspect I was drugged...I remember the incense he kept burning -- didn't smell quite the same as normal *Kyphi* but I couldn't tell what the difference actually was..."
He sipped the water more slowly this time, and finally looked up into Philip's worried eyes. "Philip...I don't know what to say. I'm sorry..."
"Wasn' your fault," Philip answered softly.
"I -- I never wanted you to be hurt like that," Derek continued, knowing that despite what Philip said, he had every right to blame him for what had happened. "Never wanted you to see...*that*..."
Philip swallowed hard and nodded. "I c'n see why," he answered softly. "Derek, I have t'be honest...He told me 'bout th' two of you -- said you were lovers. There were *pictures* -- Mother of God, the things you were doin' in them...How could--" He stopped as his throat closed on the words, memories of his own whipping trying to overwhelm his composure. "I'm sorry," he managed to whisper, shaking his head. "I jus' can't b'lieve you *wanted* him t'do that kind of thing t'you -- it hurt so much. I jus' can't..." He blinked stinging tears out of his eyes, saw the stricken expression on Derek's face. "I'm sorry, Derek," he breathed, struggling to maintain control of his voice, "I shouldn' judge..."
"It's -- *hard* to explain to someone else, Philip," Derek said softly, his heart sinking. "There are any number of reasons -- and you *have* to realize at the point we were lovers, I had no idea what he was. My father never told me about the Arkadi family -- I knew the Legacy had enemies, but at that point I couldn't have cared less about them... I -- I broke it off when I found out he'd been using me to find artifacts..."
"I understand tha'," Philip said as steadily as he could. "I jus'...I'm sorry..."
"So am I," Derek said sadly. He took a deep breath and continued, "Philip, you know that I would *never* ask that kind of thing from you -- I would *never* ask you to do something you didn't want to do..."
"I know, Derek, I honestly do -- I jus' -- I need time t'think..." Philip shook his head and studied the blankets for a minute, then looked up at Derek again. "I already told Nick -- I've got t'go away for a bit -- need to make sure I'm doin' th' right thing. I don' think I c'n be a priest anymore..."
"Are you sure?" Derek asked, realizing how difficult a decision it was for his friend. "You shouldn't rush into anything because of what happened here..."
"You know it isn' just that," Philip said softly. "I can't keep lyin' t'myself or t'God -- I...I like bein' with Nick -- an' with you...An' I can't stay a priest and keep feelin' like this."
"You know that you are welcome back here *anytime*, Philip, no matter what your decision is," Derek said, hoping that Philip would *want* to come back after what he had learned about his Precept.
"I'll keep tha' in mind, Derek," he said, forcing a smile. "But for now I need t'jus take a little time an' think about it. I'll come back, though -- I don' think I'd be able t'handle workin' someplace else..." He took another deep breath and rubbed at his eyes, then said, "I probably should tell Rachel you're ready t'see her..."
"As ready as I'll ever be, I guess..." Derek said uncomfortably. Then he swallowed hard and asked, "Are you leaving today?"
"I dunno -- I probably should, though."
"Then take care, and come back when you can..."
"I will," Philip answered, then he smiled awkwardly and reached down to squeeze Derek's hand. "I've got t'go..."
Philip very quietly left the bedroom and looked up to find Rachel and Nick looking at him. He swallowed hard and jerked his head back in the direction of Derek's room, and said, "He's awake, Rachel. Y'should probably see him now, I guess..."
"You okay, Philip?" she asked, seeing the wetness in his eyelashes and realizing he had been crying.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Jus' got a little emotional, I guess," he answered. "Go on, Derek's waitin' for you ta yell at him..."
As she walked into Derek's room, Nick walked up to Philip and asked, "You sure you're okay?"
"Really, I'm fine -- I'm jus'...I'm scared, Nick. I trained t'be a priest for so long, an' I've been a priest for years -- I'm used to it..." He shrugged, paused to rub his eyes and wipe away the tears, then said, "But I'm not doin' a very good job of it..."
Nick shook his head and said, "That's not true, Philip. It's just that some of the membership requirements are a little strict..." He smiled slightly, hoping Philip wouldn't get angry at his 'club' analogy again. "C'mon, let's go get some breakfast..."
Derek lay back against the pillows and waited nervously for Rachel. When she entered the room, she met his gaze and smiled very slightly. "Derek, I'm glad to see you're finally awake," she said softly, walking to his side. "How do you feel?"
"I must have been drugged," Derek said carefully, "I feel hung-over..."
"As a matter of fact, yes, you were. I'm a little surprised we weren't dealing with an overdose...I haven't gotten the full results back yet -- don't know what some of the herbal compounds were -- but you had so many drugs in your bloodstream I don't know where to begin." She shook her head and looked at him. "Do you remember anything about what happened?"
He closed his eyes and nodded slightly, then opened his eyes again to meet her gaze. "What do you want to know?"
"Well," she answered uncomfortably, "I have to be honest with you, Derek. Considering what was happening, there could be some very serious repercussions...I sent one of the blood samples off to be tested for HIV. We didn't know how long you would be out, so I couldn't ask..." She paused, then said, "God, this is a lot harder than I thought it would be."
"I'm not surprised," Derek answered softly. "I can tell you the test will be negative. The only time Vi-- he penetrated me, he used a condom, and you needn't worry about the butt plug -- it was new."
"Ah. I see...Derek," Rachel began, summoning up all of her courage to continue, "Have you done this kind of thing before?"
"I don't think that is any of your business, Rachel," Derek answered, trying to project an aura of calm disapproval while his emotions roiled under the surface.
Rachel frowned at his response, although she thought, _I can't really be surprised..._ She took a deep breath and continued, "I'm not trying to make any kind of moral judgment here, Derek, I'm just concerned about how this might affect you..."
"You needn't be, Rachel. It wasn't a rape, if that's what you're worried about," he answered, a slightly defensive note beginning to slip into his tone, "It was...consensual..."
She shook her head and said, "It was no more consensual than any situation involving Rohypnol, Derek. You had so many drugs in your system that you couldn't have possibly understood what was going on until it was too late..." She trailed off as his expression lost its calm, anger now creasing his brow.
"I gave consent by offering myself in Philip's place, Rachel. That was well before I was drugged -- and before you tell me I couldn't have known what I was getting into, I *know* Victor Arkadi; know what he's capable of...knew what kind of mood he was in when I made the offer." He took a deep, steadying breath, and continued, "So, now that I have answered your questions, what can you tell me about the drugs?"
She sat down and began to go over the test results that had been finished, still uncomfortable about the way he had decided that the previous discussion was completed. All of her instincts told her that there was more to it than he was willing to tell her, and that kind of evasive behaviour set off all of her alarms. However, starting a fight over it right now would just make things more difficult in the long run. Better to tell him what he wanted to know and reestablish the trust between them, so that she could observe him closely and be ready for any problems that followed...
A few hours later, Derek finally felt well enough to get out of bed and make his way to the kitchen for a few pieces of dry toast and a cup of coffee. Rachel had told him that Frank Carmack's assistance in tracking phone and rental records had been the break they needed to locate him -- which, of course, meant that the detective had accompanied them on the rescue. He was somewhat uncomfortable knowing what Carmack had seen, but there was nothing he could do about it. His first concern had to be his own House...
As he poured his second cup, Alex and Nick entered the kitchen. He looked up at them, his expression carefully neutral, until Alex sat down at the table and asked, "How do you feel, Derek?"
"Still a little hung-over, but much better," he answered softly. When he met her gaze, he was relieved to see concern and nothing more. "Thank you," he added. Then he looked at Nick, who seemed somewhat less comfortable. "Nick?"
"I -- uh...wanted to let you know that Philip left while you were still resting...I'm sorry."
"That's all right, Nick. He's got a lot to think about -- I don't blame him. Did he give you a number where he could be reached?" Derek asked hopefully, although he expected he already knew the answer.
"No," Nick answered sadly, "But he said he'd call once he's a little more sure of what's going on..."
"Well, that's good, at least," Derek said quietly. Then he studied Nick's posture, seeing the nervous energy in the compact frame, and sighed gently. "There's something else you wanted to tell me, Nick; go ahead."
"Sloan called earlier; he wanted you to call him the second you were up and around, no matter what time it is over in London..." Nick said, noticeably relaxing after he'd delivered the news. "I figured you can tell him you fell back asleep or something..."
"That's all right. I'll call him now -- I *think* I'm up to it. But I will be in my office, and don't want to be disturbed unless it's an emergency."
Alex and Nick both nodded, and watched as he stood up slowly and headed for his office; saw his shoulders rise and fall with a heavy sigh just before he disappeared around a corner.
--==**==--
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