Stolen Heaven part 18

by Penemuel

Epilogue

In my heart
In my heart your love is the kiss of death...
--ice in my falling tears clouds your image in my eyes
Cold as my glance is for you
Flame that burns my frozen heart clothed in black and leather love,
Chains my heart once again to you...
--The Shroud, "Kiss of Death"

After Sloan signed off, Derek shut down the sat-link and stood, stretching, behind his desk. For a long moment he stared into the middle distance, then finally he shook himself back to alertness and walked to the window. He stared out across the bay, thinking about Philip and the ordeal his friend had faced. *Gott, Philip,* he thought, finally, *I am so sorry you were pulled into this...* Then he closed his eyes sadly and leaned his forehead wearily against the window. *But I can't apologize for what I've been -- for what I am...*

He sighed and straightened, then returned to his desk and unlocked the drawer that held his private journal. Sitting down at his desk, he stared at the new blank page for a long time, summoning the courage to write.

Finally, he placed pen to paper, and began to write in the code he, William Sloan, and Spencer Croft had devised:

"After discovering that the mysterious 'Rayne Heritage' my father spoke of was my family's tie to the fallen Grigori and the Nephilim, I unfortunately ran into Victor Arkadi while I was confused and vulnerable.

"Victor had captured Philip, and to save my sweet friend, I gave myself to Victor in his place. I can't deny that part of me was eager to make the exchange --I wouldn't be surprised if Philip never wants to touch me again -- I don't think he will ever be able to reconcile what he now knows about me, and the pain and terror he himself suffered at Victor's hands...

"When I gave myself to Victor to save Philip, it all came right back to me -- the intensity, the overwhelming desire to let go all of the restraints I put on myself every day...Even with the fears I deal with every time someone tries to top me...

"But then again, it may have been the drugs -- I know there was something in the incense Victor burned, and I have vague recollections of a bitter herbal tea. I know that at the very least, I was under the influence of a powerful combination of drugs that served to lower all inhibitions...Not to mention whatever spells Victor had cast, including the one he tried to use to give me wings...

"And yet -- I know it's not all drugs and spells. They would have never worked so well if the desire hadn't been there all along. I may have buried it over the years, but it never truly went away.

"And now Rachel wants me to talk about this with someone. How can I do that? How do I find a counselor who can understand the things I feel -- why should I justify my desires?! And how do I explain to anyone the *hunger* this ordeal seems to have awakened? The longing for the power I can feel, just out of reach -- the power I *know* I must deny!

"How do I talk to a stranger when I can't even bring myself to explain to my friends -- or my lovers -- that in other days even without the drugs and spells, I would have welcomed everything Victor did to me?

"How do I explain the dreams I have -- good dreams, not nightmares -- where my lover unties me and turns me over to kiss me, and instead of Nick or Philip, it is Victor who smiles down at me?!"

He sighed and stopped writing, then spent a while massaging his hand. His thoughts were flying faster than he could write in the code, and his hand ached from trying to keep up.

After vigourously shaking out both hands, he picked up the pen again and continued, "But this is senseless -- it will help no one except our enemies. I must deny these desires and get on with my life and duties as Precept of the San Francisco House, at least for as long as William allows me to keep this position.

"I must be strong -- I would be a fool to think this was the last I'll see of Victor, and I must be ready when he returns..."

--==**==-- The End -- For Now...

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