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“Derek ... you got a minute?”
The Precept looked up at the sound of Nick’s voice; there was something in the tone that was unsettling and he glanced up to see his concerns realized. Something was wrong! It showed on the former SEAL’s face no matter how hard he might be trying to hide it. “Of course,” he voiced, motioning for the young man to sit in the chair in front of the desk. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah,” Nick half lied. He sat in the chair and looked down at his hands. He found that he was fumbling around with his SEAL ring ... as he always did whenever his emotions felt like they were about to lose control. For Nick Boyle, this was certainly one of those moments. He took a deep, cleansing, steadying breath and continued, “Something’s come up and I need to go to San Diego.”
Derek studied Nick long and hard; it was obvious there was more to the story -- much more and he waited patiently for the young man to continue. After several more seconds passed, Nick began to rise out of the chair and head out of the room. Since it was obvious that Nick had no intention of sharing any further information, the Dutchman called out to him. “Nick. What is it?” He rose and approached his associate who was now standing cross-armed (in full protective manner) by the door. “What’s happened?”
Nick looked down at the floor and then lifted his eyes to meet Derek’s. They flickered there for a moment -- so much pain and longing for peace in that look -- and he finally replied, “Jimmy’s dead.” He stood silently, allowing the words to sink in, only occasionally daring to meet Derek’s eye contact.
At first, the words held little significance to the Precept. He thought that perhaps Jimmy might have been a former SEAL-mate of Nick’s. And then it dawned on him ... Jimmy -- Jimmy Boyle! He reached out and placed a gentle, comforting hand on Nick’s shoulder. He could feel the young man trembling beneath his touch and knew how hard Nick was trying to keep his emotions in tact. He gave him one final squeeze and then removed his hand and replied, “Nick, I’m so sorry! When did you find out ... how did it happen?”
“I got a call from a lawyer’s office in San Diego about an hour ago telling me that he had died in some kinda car wreck. Apparently, he’d made a Will and I’m needed there to go over the estate.” Then, as an after-thought, Nick added, “It shouldn’t take longer than a few hours. I might stay over -- depending what goes on. I should be back tomorrow though.”
Derek realized that his silence must have made Nick feel as though he didn’t approve of the young man leaving. But the truth of the matter was, the Precept had been lost in his own thoughts ... remembering the young man who had disappeared over 15 years ago without a trace; he remembered how sick Miranda Boyle had been over the disappearance of her first-born; he recalled how blasé and aloof Robert was, preferring to talk about business rather than his own son; and he also remembered, the younger child who rarely spoke a word to anyone and stayed in the background of every situation as much as possible. He looked now at that same young man and marveled at what Nick Boyle had managed to overcome!
He once again reached out and gave the ex-SEAL a friendly, understanding slap on the shoulder. “Take all the time you need,” he said in as reassuring a voice as he could. He watched as the young man nodded and silently left the room.
After leaving Derek’s office, Nick had felt physically sick; Derek was the only one who could truly understand the significance of his learning about Jimmy’s death and it had been harder to confront the Dutchman that he thought it would be. He stopped briefly in the Library to inform Alex and Kristin that he would be leaving for a day or two -- explaining that “an old friend of his” had died and he was going to San Diego for the reading of the Will. He shunned Kristin’s offer to accompany him, knowing that what he really wanted was to be alone with his feelings -- whatever they were!
The moment he reached his room, however, the nausea that had assailed him while leaving Derek’s office hit with a vengeance and he barely made it his private bathroom to empty the contents of his stomach. Walking back into his bedroom, he decided to pack a small overnight case. ‘No sense in rushing this trip,’ he told himself. He could feel his mind whirling with a thousand and one questions and emotions. One moment, he would feel overwhelming grief and loss from the fact that he had never been able to reunite with Jimmy after all these years; and the next moment, he would become intensely angry at his brother for the price he had paid for Jimmy’s deserting him and their parents!
Nick had finished throwing a few belongings together and headed down to the garage. Tossing his bag into the trunk of his Mustang, he had an odd sensation that he wasn’t alone. He turned to see Derek standing behind him, also with a bag in hand. Before the young man could utter a word, Derek tossed his own overnight case in the trunk and slammed the lid.
The noise from the trunk brought Nick out of his stupor and he asked, “What the Hell do you think your doing?”
Derek walked around to the passenger side of the car and opened the door. “Going with you,” he remarked, calm and sure. “You didn’t think I was going to let you make a trip like this alone, did you?!” The Dutchman then lowered himself into the seat of the Mustang and slammed the door shut.
Nick grinned to himself at Derek’s “sure of himself” attitude. But he also felt a sense of relief flood over him. Despite his earlier misgivings about what he might feel on this trip, there was a part of the young man that now was glad he wouldn’t have to face his unknown feelings alone!
Derek glanced at his watch for the fourth time in ten minutes. Nick continued to drive in complete silence and was ignoring his own stomach that had started making growling and gurgling noises nearly an hour ago. Finally, the Precept inquired, “Nick? Aren’t you going to stop so we can get a bite to eat or something? We’ve still got quite a ways to go, you know.”
The sound of Derek’s voice brought Nick out of his thoughts. He had been remembering so much about the years both before and after Jimmy had left. He had barely been aware of his own hunger -- so trained while in the military to ignore such things at inappropriate times! -- and now realized that not only was he hungry, but that Derek must be as well. He felt suddenly ashamed of the fact that he had barely said two words to his companion during the drive.
“Sorry,” Nick commented. “Yeah, I thought I saw a sign about a diner comin’ up. We can stop there.”
Derek smiled, glad he had gotten through to the ex-SEAL -- he had begun to get worried about him in his silent, relentless mood. “Goot,” he remarked. “I’m famished.”
Derek watched as the young man gobbled the last of his sandwich. He was pleased he had mentioned stopping for something to eat -- it was obvious that Nick needed something on his stomach. Suddenly, a vision bombarded Derek’s mind ... Nick had gotten sick before they left! He stared with concern and compassion at his young associate -- so much pain was hidden behind those soft, hazel eyes; so much agony behind that mischievous smile!
“That really hit the spot,” Nick commented, even sounding refreshed. “Guess I was hungrier than I thought.”
Derek took a final bite of his sandwich and replied, “Me too.” Then, choosing his words very carefully, he asked, “So, do you know why the lawyer wants you for the reading of Jimmy’s Will? Did he say if Jimmy left his estate to you?”
Nick took a few sips of his coffee before answering. He had known questions about Jimmy would come up the minute the Precept had gotten in the Mustang. He just wasn’t sure how he would handle them; but he did so point-blank. “I don’t know,” he answered truthfully. “All he said was that there’s something there I need to pick up.”
“And you hadn’t heard from Jimmy since he left home?”
Nick shook his head, “Not for 17 years .....”
The former SEAL stopped abruptly and Derek inquired, “What?”
Shaking his head, Nick said, “Nothing. Let’s just go.” With that, the two departed the diner and headed down the lonely stretch of backroad to San Diego in resumed silence.
Derek stood beside the boulders along the roadway and looked down at the shoreline. It was a beautiful spot to get out of the car, enjoy the view and stretch, but he and Nick had stopped over an hour ago and the young man still didn’t seem to be ready to leave; he merely sat on the hood of his car, gazing out into the distance.
The Dutchman had waited patiently -- and then impatiently! -- for the young man to explain the significance of this stop. Finally, he decided to ask his associate. He slowly approached Nick, conscious of the fact that Nick seemed unconscious to his approach! He stared into Nick’s eyes and felt his heart sink; there was so much pain held deep within them. He noticed the glazed overlook and wondered if Nick ever truly expressed the sorrow he felt in his heart.
He recalled how, when Julia had died nearly three years ago, the young man held in his emotions, never shedding one tear; he remembered how silently the boy stood beside his mother as they buried Robert Boyle twelve years ago and how the youth failed to show any emotion; he remembered seeing the child sitting on the front porch of his house cradling a broken arm and recalled how strong he seemed for a child of six! The Dutchman’s heart filled with sadness and anger at the life this extraordinary young man had been forced to lead!
As Derek came out of his own thoughts, he realized that this time it was Nick who was staring at him! They smiled at one another and it was the first warm moment either of them had experienced during this entire trip. “Guess you’re wonderin’ why I stopped here,” Nick said.
“The thought had crossed my mind.”
A snicker escaped Nick’s lips as he explained, “Mom, Jimmy and I had stopped here on our last vacation together. We were headed down to Disneyland ... the whole ‘Brady Bunch’ vacation thing -- only without the old man. He had planned to go with us supposedly and then canceled at the last minute because something came up at work.”
Derek secretly wondered if he had been a part of some case that took Robert away from his family and then banished the thought. Perhaps Robert being away from his son wasn’t a bad thing after all!
“After eating lunch, Mom took some pictures of us and then Jimmy and I took a walk down this beach. That’s when he told me that he couldn’t take it anymore and was going to leave.”
“He told you?!” Derek asked, clearly astonished.
Nick nodded. “Yeah, I knew. He asked me to keep it a secret and I did. I just didn’t think he’d really do it, ya know?!”
This time, Derek nodded, again feeling overwhelmed at the weight this incredible young man had carried at such a young age. Compassion overcoming his stature as “Precept”, Derek stood beside the young man and placed his arm around him. He drew Nick close to him and could feel the young man slowly relax. Suddenly and swiftly, however, Nick pulled away. “We better get going,” he stated. “We’ve still got a long way to go.”
New thoughts and emotions were swirling around the mind of Nick Boyle as he continued the drive to San Diego. He thought about how far his and Derek’s relationship had come since he first started working for the Legacy. At first, Derek Rayne had been hesitant to have a former colleague’s son working for him, but had given way to the insistence of the London House that Nick Boyle should be on his team.
As suspected, Nick had rebelled -- at least somewhat -- at Derek’s authority and they had a rocky relationship their first few months together. Nick had viewed Derek as the same type of hard-ass bastard his old man had been and Derek viewed Nick as the same hot-tempered and rash individual Robert Boyle had been.
But, over the course of time, both learned to soften their opinions of the other and they had grown quite close -- almost in a father-son type relationship. Deep down, however, Nick found that lately, he was desiring something ... different ... from Derek. He just couldn’t put his finger on what!
Likewise, Derek had been amazed how more and more often he sought out the company of his young associate more than anyone else’s! He found that he genuinely liked being around Nick for any reason. The former SEAL’s sense of humor, intelligence, and strength of character were a source of admiration to Derek and he enjoyed being with Nick. That had been one of the reasons why he had come on this trip ... to be there in case the young man needed him -- for anything!
The rest of the trip to San Diego was made in silence -- each thinking of the other and glad that they weren’t alone!
Nick had insisted on going into the lawyer’s office alone and so Derek agreed. They had each gotten a room the night before (after arriving in San Diego too late to go to the lawyer’s office). Derek could tell during their slight breakfast this morning that his companion hadn’t slept very much and secretly had cursed himself for not insisting on getting one room. If they had, perhaps he could’ve made sure Nick had gotten some much needed rest. Instead, the young man continued to walk around in his pain-filled stupor with the Precept standing helplessly by!
Derek brightened, however, as he watched Nick approaching from within the building complex. He had only been gone 20 minutes and so Derek hoped this meant that much of Nick’s pain would be over with. But seeing the set jaw and the taut body Nick had when he approached, made these hopes vanish. “Is that it?” he asked, hoping the ex-SEAL would open up and talk to him.
“Yeah,” Nick replied, not even meeting the Dutchman’s eyes despite the fact that he was now sporting sunglasses over his own blood-shot ones. Jimmy only had a $30,000 estate and most of that he left to charity.”
“I don’t understand .....”
Nick handed Derek the envelope that he had been carrying and the Precept opened it, as he kept his worried gaze on the former SEAL. Nick’s stature had Derek extremely concerned now and he wondered what Jimmy could’ve left in such a small envelope that caused this kind of reaction from the young man. But, seeing the photograph that laid inside, realization quickly dawned on Derek. There, in the photo were two boys sitting on large boulders -– Jimmy and Nick –- and it was taken at the very same beach he and Nick had stopped at the day before!
Derek gently turned the photo over and read the private note written by Jimmy. His heart sank for the young man beside him, understanding now why his pain was indeed doubled. Jimmy mentioned that he had known Nick would keep his secret about leaving ... and the Dutchman knew what agony that must’ve caused Nick!
“Let’s get outta here,” Nick said, his voice cracking slightly. Derek was lost for words. He could think of nothing he could say or do at the moment to comfort the young man; he sat in silence as Nick raced his Mustang toward the North and out of San Diego.
Approaching the same beach they had stopped at the day before -- the same beach as in the one remaining memento Nick had of his older brother -- the ex-SEAL pulled the car off the road and turned off the engine. Before Derek could say anything, Nick left the vehicle, walked down the beach a little ways and sat on one of the many roadside boulders, staring into the ocean below.
For the second time that day, Derek Rayne wondered if Nick Boyle was even capable of shedding tears. Was he taught at such a young age that crying was not masculine or did he learn that it only made situations worse? Did the former SEAL think himself incapable of such emotion or was he merely afraid that, should he start to cry, he would never be able to stop?? Derek felt his own tears well up within him and he could restrain himself no longer. He walked up to the young man leaning against the rock and grabbed him into a strong, forceful embrace.
He felt the first urgings of resistance and then he felt those impulses fade away. He felt the young man’s body begin to tremble as emotion overtook him and he held Nick for what seemed like hours as he released every emotion that had ever been bottled up within his 5’10” frame.
As Nick began to once again gain control over his emotions, Derek again felt Nick push himself away from the embrace; this time, however, Derek didn’t fight it. Instead he stepped back and looked into Nick’s hazel eyes. He was relieved to note that at least some of the pain that had registered there before was gone. However, he also noted that there was a spark in them that he hadn’t noticed before!
Nick had felt comforted in a way he never had before. He glanced at the Dutchman, noticing for the first time perhaps how compassionate and kind his eyes were; how strong and virile he was for a man in his middle years. “Th ... thanks,” he said, feeling slightly embarrassed at his emotional outburst. “I .....”
“You don’t need to say anything, Nick,” Derek interrupted. “I’m just glad I was here for you. I wouldn’t’ve wanted you to face all this alone.”
Nick pulled the rest of the way out of Derek’s grip and again gazed out at the horizon. “I’ve just been so pissed off at him, you know?! I never understood why he had to desert us like that ... why he didn’t come back after the old man died. And now ... now to know that this memory that haunted me all this time must’ve haunted him ....” Again, Nick’s voice cracked and he pushed down the emotions once more threatening to break through his tough facade.
Derek thought long and hard and then responded, “Well, you have to take your comfort where you can, Nick. Obviously Jimmy never forgot about you -- or that day! -- and so, in a way, you were always with him ... and he was always with you.”
“Yeah.”
Derek could sense the emotion in the young man and again reached out to offer him solace. He turned Nick toward him, prepared to lock him in another comforting embrace. But as they drew closer, Derek found that another emotion was surfacing within himself -- he was attracted to Nick! The feel of the young man’s rippling muscles beneath his thin shirt, the smell of the young man’s aftershave combined with the gentle sheen of sweat assaulted Derek’s nostrils, and the longing and spark in the ex-SEAL’s eyes melted any reserve the Precept possessed and he found himself locked in a passionate kiss with his associate.
Although there was the slightest resistance to the kiss at first, Derek was surprised at the sudden and swift response. He felt Nick’s arms slowly wrap around him and he felt Nick’s tongue met and mingle with his own. The kiss lasted for sometime before either was willing to break it. When at last Nick did pull away, Derek needed to catch his breath!
“I ... I don’t ... don’t know what ... to say! I’ve ... all ... always been in control ... before! I ... I don’t .....”
“Don’t do anything, Nick,” Derek cut in forcefully. He again gripped the young man’s shoulders and then gently, yet determinedly slid his hands down his arms and then slowly began to wrap them around him, drawing the former SEAL ever closer. “Don’t say anything. It’s time to let go, Nick. It’s time to let someone else be in control!” With that, Derek stepped up and again placed his lips to Nick’s, forcefully at first and then softer and more tender. He allowed the passion he felt for the young man to consume them both.
Unaware of time or space, the two lovers laid locked in a passionate embrace as the sun began to slip into the ocean. The cool breeze coming off the water now sent a shiver through Nick and his body quivered uncontrollably. Derek noticed the movement and realized that Nick had indeed been through alot these past few days -- both emotionally and physically and decided (with some regret) that it was time for them to leave. He rose, allowing Nick to do the same, and they both got dressed in silence.
The drive back to the Legacy House was made in the ever present silence that had surrounded the majority of this trip. However, upon arriving outside Nick’s door, Derek broke the silence inquiring, “Do you mind if I come in for a minute?”
“No,” the former SEAL answered, his voice sounding apprehensive. As they stepped in the room, Nick stated, “Look, Derek, I’m sorry ...... I ... if this changes things.”
“Of course this changes things,” the Precept responded and then he grabbed the young man and quickly kissed him, “but not in the way you’re afraid it did. I don’t regret what happened on the beach, Nick. In fact, it wouldn’t’ve happened if I ... if we ... hadn’t wanted it to. So, no regrets my love! Understand?”
Nick smiled, a sexy, light-hearted smile and Derek could again fill his heart melt with passion for the remarkable young man! “Sure thing, Boss.” Derek gave him one more quick kiss and then ordered, “Now, get to bed and this time get some sleep. I don’t want you warn out the next time we ......” He then threw the former SEAL his sexiest wink and left the room.
Pulling out his own personal Journal, Derek wrote: “I never thought it would be possible after all this time to finally find love in my life, but today, I did ... and it was right in front of my eyes all this time! Today, I can finally admit the attraction -- the longing -- I’ve felt for Nick all this time! And miracle of miracles, those feelings were returned. Though I know he still will feel pain connected to his brother’s death, I feel that this one event has opened a doorway for future happiness ... for both of us. They say that out of the greatest sorrows can come the greatest joys. Today, I’ve found that, in one moment of compassion, we both found that allusive thing known as ‘love’. The End
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