Follow up, sort of to 'All the Wrong Things'.
You Might Want to Read that one first.
The Struggles Within
Philip hugged his friend as best he could. The bandage on Nick's right shoulder encumbered any real closeness between the friends. "So, I hear they'll be springin' ya tomorrow."
"What are you doing here?"
Philip pulls up a chair and sits down. "I was in town, thought I'd pop in at the house, see ya. Alex told me what 'appened, so 'ere I am."
"Man, it was weird, did you hear that Derek was going to leave?" Philip listened as Nick explained the situation to him. Well, leaving out the parts about him and Derek. He tried to control his breathing and his anger. He stands up and walks around the room, as Nick finishes. "Philip?"
"Ya, I hear ya."
"Is everything okay with you? I mean, you don't usually drop in unexplained."
Philip met his eyes, wide and dark from chatting about Derek. He could smell Nick's unique odor as he sat down, on the bed beside him. "I 'ear the storms were pretty rough, high seas, wind, rain. Surgin onto the shore, pushing against you."
"Philip are you okay?" Nick begins to tremble, as Philip's hand comes up and cups his cheek.
"I'm glad you're going to be all right." Their eyes meet and hold for a long moment before Nick pulls back, blushing.
"What are you doing?"
"Losing my mind. So, what has Rachel and Kat been doing?" Philip swiftly changes the subject and Nick lets it drop.
***************************************************
The next morning Alex picks Nick up at the hospital, Philip at her side. They get him home and tucked into his room. "If there's anything you need, just give me a buzz."
"Thanks Alex, I'll be fine. It's just a flesh wound."
"I know but the doctor said..." Philip ushers her out of the room.
"I'll watch over him a bit, make sure he rests. Go on about your day."
Alex smiles and hugs him. "It's so good to have you back."
"What's she talking about?" Philip turns to see Nick's questioning grin. "Back?"
"I've left the Chruch. I'm considering rejoing the Legacy."
Nick's eyes grow wide and he begins acting nervous. "Does Derek know?"
"No' yet. I thought I'd surprise 'em. Once he gets back from his little trip."
"Wow, what happened?"
Philip walks to Nick's dresser and fingers a ring there. "So many things, things I didn't know how to handle anymore. Things I couldn't reconcile with myself or the leaders."
Nick pulls himself up and walks to Philip. "I'm sorry, I know how important it was to you." Philip nods. "You hungry?"
"Yeah, c'mon. I'll see what I can find us."
**********************************************
Nick wouldn't let his injuries slow him down. The wound healed and he worked the stiffness out of the muscle. Finishing his routine, as he normally did with Tai Chi, he found himself being watched. He decided to put on a really good show for his audieance and added a few extra kicks and punches, just to illistrate his manueverability. A high kick to the sky and he yelped. He was rubbing the offended hamstring when Philip steps out of the bushes.
"That looked like it hurt."
"Yeah, it did." Nicks wipes his face with the towel and straightens up. "Why were you hiding in the bushes?"
"I wasn't. I just came down to give you this." Philip hands him a piece of note paper that had a been sealed with tape.
"What's this?"
Philip shrugs. "I don' know, Alex asked me to give it to ya."
Nick breaks the seal and reads the note.
Nick,
Derek called to say he'd be a few more days. Not to worry and no, he
doesn't want you to join him. Just get better. He loves you and will
be home when he can. He'll try and call you again tonight, but isn't
sure he can. He made me write this down and give it to you.
Oh and you're buying dinner tonight, remember?
Alex
Philip touches his shoulder. "Oh, sorry."
"Anything important?"
Nick can feel the blood rush to his face. "Nothing really, Derek will be a few more days."
"Shouldn't we join him?"
"Nah, he says to stay put, take care of things around here." Nick watches Philip's eyes, not sure what the looks he's getting lately are all about. "Listen, I told Alex I'd go to the mainland for dinner. You want to come?"
"Sure, maybe we can pick up some of that dark ale, you like so well."
"Sounds good, but you're buying the ale."
Philip relaxes a bit and laughs. "Right, with what?"
"Oh, yeah, I forgot you get paid in 'Hail Mary's'.
Philip pushes him forward and his fingers tickling Nick's sides. "Hey you." After a game of tickle and run the two make it into the house. Nick smiles to himself. Philip was not acting like his old stuffy self. He seemed happier and more at ease. But something underneath bothered Nick, he just couldn't put his finger on it.
*******************************************
Alex, Nick and Philip eat dinner together in the living room, accompanied by the ale and a comedy from the local video store. Nick and Alex exchange glances as Philip begins laughing at everything.
"I think it's about beddy bye, time for the priest."
"I'm not a priest anymore." They both nod at the fierceness of his statement.
"I'll get him to bed." Nick pulls Philip up and helps him to his bedroom. "It's good to have you home brother, but you're heavy."
Philip nods, leaning close to Nick's body as he stumbles into the room. "Nick."
"Yeah?"
"Can I ask ya something?" Philip leans heavily against the back of the door, trapping Nick's arm behind him. "Do you love him?"
"Who?"
"Derek." Philip can feel the tension in Nick's body and the younger man begins to pulls away. "Tell me the truth, Nick."
Nick still his motions, effectively trapped between his drunken friend and the dresser. His sore arm began to throb and he tries to pull it free but Philip grabs his upper arm and pushes him against the wall. "Philip, stop this, let me go. I don't want to hurt you."
"Tell me the thruth Nick." Philip catches his eyes and Nick nods his head. "See, was that so 'ard?"
Nick relaxes, when he feels the pressure against his body lessen. "What was that about Philip?"
"How long?" Philip asks, still hovering close to Nick.
"Almost two years." Nick sighs as Philip closes his eyes. "How did you know?"
Philip steps back, allowing Nick to rub his sore arm. "I saw ya, at the hospital, he kissed you."
Nick steps from the corner. His mind is screaming. Philip was like a brother to him and he didn't want to lose that friendship. What would Philip think of him and Derek now that he knew. They knew how the Church felt about homosexuality and knew that Philip believed it to be a sin. All sexual activity outside of marriage was wrong and Philip lived that life. How would he accept his friends, now that he knew. "Look, I know how you feel about this Philip, but..."
"No, you don' Nick, that's the thing. Everyone assumes I'll condem, just because of what I believe. That's not right either. How could I judge you when..." Philip turns away and walks to the window. "I'm tired, I think you should go."
"Philip listen I..."
"Just go now Nick, I need to think."
Nick watches the priest for a moment, his eyes, wet with oncoming tears, glistening in the reflection of the window. Nick walks up to him, he considers putting a hand on his shoulder, but decides against physical contact. Some people became suddenly adverse to the touch of a gay person, when they first find out. Like it would rub off or something. "Philip, I never meant to hurt you. We don't go around flaunting our relationship, but in the hospital it was just us. Alex and Rachel know, he wasn't thinking anyone else would come in." When Philip doesn't say anything Nick's voice grows a little louder. "I'm sorry we don't fit into your little plan for the world, sorry we offend..."
"Get out of here Nick, now!" When Philip spun Nick took a step back, his face was flush, his eyes dark, the tears streaking his cheeks. "Out!" Nick fled before he felt the full wrath of Philip's anger.
Philip bowed his head. The last thing he wanted was to be angry. He wanted release from his misery, needed it. He strips off his clothes and stretches out on the bed. Sleep takes hours to come, his mind racing with the thoughts of the Church he'd just left and the house he'd come back to. His soul was tired. Too many fights he couldn't win, too many struggles to pull free of. Now he was trapped, trapped between what he still felt in his heart for the Church and it's beliefs and here, where Nick and Derek were allowed to love each other. Over and over in his mind he could see Derek's full lips finding Nick's, the tongue darting out to moisten and tease, then dipping inside, tasting Nick's mouth, the lips lock and for a brief instant, the two become one. He crushes the palm of his hands into his eyes, trying to make the visions stop.
/ Nick's breath was so close, the smell of liquor, pizza, sweat and cologne tickled his senses, sending slivers of desire down to his groin./
"NO!" His body is drenched in sweat and he tries to recover his breath. "Not again." He lifts the covers to find that his body has betrayed him. "Oh, no." He falls back on the bed, his body trembling from it's release.
Nick pounds on the door. "Philip? Are you okay? I heard you scream. Come on, open the door."
"Not now Nick," Philip says more to himself than Nick. "I'm fine, go bac' ta bed."
Nick listens for a few moments. It wasn't often that someone heard you scream in this house. He and Derek were always thankful when no one came knocking while they made love, but tonight he was in the hall passing Philip's room when he heard the former-priest call out in his dreams. What demons had Philip brought back with him this time to the Legacy house, Nick could only wonder.
continued in part 2
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