My Collection of Great Philisophical Sayings

Here is a list of great philisophical sayings, and interesting questions that I have either heard, read, or invented myself. Some of them are not very philisophical, in fact some of them are just the ramblings of a diseased imagination, spawned of a broken mind. But they are all, unquestioningly cool.

• If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?

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• Life is like an orgasm, you have to work up to it in the beginning, there's a sharp decline at the end, and the middle is the best part.

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• It aint premarital sex if you don't get married.

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• Sanity is a one trick pony, all you get is rational thinking; but when you're good and crazy, the sky's the limit.

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• If you drop your keys in hot lava, just let 'em go, 'cause man, they are gone.

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• Sex is a killer; Wanna die happy?

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• If we'e supposed to be here to help others, what are the others for?

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• There's a fine line between fishing, and standing on the dock like and idiot.

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• Never do card tricks for the guys you play poker with.

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• If a man says something in the woods, and there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

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• No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team's winning.

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• If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

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• Why buy the cow when you can get the sex for free?

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• If a locksmith makes keys, and a keysmith makes locks, what is the air-speed to weight ratio of a Boeing 727?

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• The answer to life is blowing in the wind, except in New Jersey where what's blowing in the wind smells funny.

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• Elvis lives on in our hearts, his music, and a small trailer park outside of Milwuakie.

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• Why do they call them buildings when they're already done building them? They ought to call 'em builts.

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• Why do they call it a T.V. set when you only get one?

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• Duct tape is like the force, it has both a dark side and a light side, and it holds the universe together.

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• The meaning to life is this: you were put on Earth do do a specific thing that only you can do, and when you do it your life is over.

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• The secret to immortality is this: put off whatever it is that you're supposed to indeffinetely and you'll never die.

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• The three signs of old are as follows: Memory loss, and... uh...

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• I know it, she knows it, he knows it, but we have no idea what to do with it.

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• If "pro" is the opposite of "con", is "congress" the opposite of "progress"?

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• Erotic is silk sheets and champagne, kinky is a bench in the park and a jug of Kool-Aid.

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• Blessed are the meek, for they make easy targets.

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• Two rules for life:

  1. Don't tell people everything you know.

  2.

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• Just because it's toxic doesn't mean it's not tasty.

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• They say if you build a better mousetrap, the world will beat down your door. But it's usually just one neighbor, and he'll quit once you stop throwing dead mice in his yard.

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• A fool and his money are soon partying.

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• Kids in the back seat cause accidents, and accidents in the backseat cause kids.

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• If I can make at least one person laugh, then it must have been a good eulogy.

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• An oyster is a fish, built like a nut.

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• A watched microwave never dings.

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• If it's not one thing, it's your mother.

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• The differance between genius and stupid, is that genius has it's limits.

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• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

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• He's not dead Jim, he electroencephalographically challanged.

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• He's dim, Jed.

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• Roadrunner cartoons are setting a bad example for kids when the cayote gets killed, the roadrunner runs away, and in the next scene the cayote's fine, because no bird could ever run that fast.

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• Statistics are a plauge on our fair earth, 14 percent of the people know that.

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• If at first you don't succeed, use a bigger hammer.

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• If at first you don't succeed, cover up all evidence that you tried.

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