1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire world. You decide to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.

b. Present it to the secretary general of the United States.

c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

a. Innocence b. Idealism c. Cherry bombs

3. When is it OK to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.

b. When he is The Pope (but not on the lips).

c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that,

for buisness reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and atleast one of you has a fatal disease.

b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (and even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging

food from this man's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")

c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him

provided that (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound

him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

a. remember the deceased and console his loved ones.

b. reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.

c. tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One afternoon the two of you are taking it easy - you're watching a football game; she's reading the paper - when suddenly, out of nowhere, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future together, but you don't want to rush it.

b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to

make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.

c. That you cannot believe that the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

7. In your opinion the ideal pet is:

a. A cat. b. A dog. c. A dog that eats cats.

8. OK, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.

b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you with the sea breeze

blowing in her hair, and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.

c. Tell Her What!?!

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"

b. "They're in school already?"

c. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it OK to throw away a pair of underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were

originally intended for your legs.

b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.

c. It is never OK to throw away underwear! A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody - and we are not

naming names, but this would be his wife - is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of,

because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the promised land?

a. He was being tested.

b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.

c. He refused to ask directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy b. Religion c. Remote Control

How To Score:

Give yourself one point for every time you picked the answer "c". A real guy would score atleast 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score 15, because he would get the special 5 point bonus for actually knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.