The Plutonium Nyborg Express Vol. 6 Issue 3 May/June 1998 Created by Ziggy Ziglar Published By Becky Cover by Katie Hilbert & Ziggy writers: Ziggy Ziglar, Laura Angell, David Prescott, Sarah Watson, Erica Potter, Dawn McMahon,
Ed Goodwin, Anna Spell, Margaret Clifton, Heather Sampson, Kat Allen, Katie Hilbert,
Matt Smith, Joshua Massey, Jaime Everman, Teri Nowlin, Susan Watts, Josh Bradley,
Alisyn Collins, Kelly Leeman, Erich Kaulfuss, Scott Nuelken, Ja' Carter, Mike Murphy, Ted Dejong, Amy Nolan, and your submissions. those people who frequently send us stuff from the internet: Joe Kershner, Brandy Bruce,
Sarah Watson, David Prescott, Scott Nuelken, Katie Hilbert, Andy Burnette, Matt Smith, Ed Goodwin, and Colin MacDonald. editors: Ziggy Ziglar, Matt Smith, Susan Watts, Erica Potter, and Katie Hilbert. artists: Ja' Carter, Mike Murphy, and Erich Kaulfuss. photographers: Katie Hilbert, Jay Telford, and Ziggy Ziglar. crazy computer pictures and stuff: Beth Stephenson and Ziggy Ziglar. Top 10 In Theatres Top 10 On Video Top 10 To Watch When FUBAR'd 10. Good Will Hunting 10. Kull The Conquerer 10. TCM: The Next Generation 9. Mercury Rising 9. Flubber 9. Howard The Duck 8. Nightwatch 8. The Man Who Knew Too Little 8. Flubber 7. The Big Hit 7. Starship Troopers 7. Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout 6. Species 2 6. The Edge 6. Scream Louder 5. Two Girls And A Guy 5. Anastasia 5. Redneck Zombies 4. The Object Of My Affection 4. The Full Monty 4. Willie Wonka & The Chocolate Factory 3. Lost In Space 3. I Know What You Did Last Summer 3. Nowhere 2. Scream 2 (back in theatres again!) 2. Kiss The Girls 2. Faster Pussycat Kill Kill! 1. Deep Impact 1. Alien Resurrection 1. Jack Frost Coming soon to theatres (update from Fangoria magazine): May 20 - Godzilla, June 19 - X-Files The Movie, July ? - Blade, Aug 14 - Virus, Sept 25 - Halloween H20, Oct. ? - Carrie 2, Bride Of Chucky, Nov 20 - I Know What You Did Last Summer 2, 1999 - Scream 3 and Freddy Vs. Jason Famous Movie Quotes 1. "Hi!, No, I really mean that...hi." 2. "Sandy, your breasts feel strange." "oh, that's because they're real." 3. "You ever seen a girl with a drumstick shoved up her nose?" 4. "My own brother, a Goddamn shit suckin' vampire! Boy, you wait till mom finds out!" 5. "C'mon Sporto, level with me, do you slip her with the hot beef injection?" 6. "I will not talk to you until you put your head on straight!" 7. "Eat your cereal with a fork, and do your homework in the dark." 8. "6-pack in the side cleavage!" 9. "If yours laws don't include me, then they just don't apply to me either." 10. "He's your God, they're your rules, you burn in hell!" answers: 1. Scream 2 2. L.A. Story 3. Some Kind Of Wonderful 4. The Lost Boys 5. The Breakfast Club 6. Death Becomes Her 7. Pump Up The Volume 8. Bordello Of Blood 9. Bad Girls 10. unknown Random Message Jen - We all hope you are feeling better and will be back soon! We miss you!!!! Love, Your Loyal IHOP Junkies! The Page That Builds And Bruises Egos! fem Top 10 Sexiest People men fem Top 10 Sexiest Butts men 10. Bonnie Heath 10. Wyck Beiderwell 10. Lemor Alcalay 10. Trevor James 9. Robyn Foster 9. George Gross 9. Virginia Rolls 9. Robert Daland 8. Jaki Cellini 8. Wes Wilson 8. Brooke Hastings 8. Mike Murphy 7. Anna Hopkins 7. Jonathan Burkes 7. Tammy Johnson 7. Joey Allman 6. Suzanne Uffalussy 6. Joey Miller 6. Kat Allen 6. Josh Kovarek 5. Kat Allen 5. Josh Gordon 5. Laura Angell 5. Matt Smith 4. Katie Hilbert 4. Kerry O'Connor 4. Amy Nolan 4. Neil Campbell 3. Brandy Murray 3. Steve Norris 3. Kathryn Phillips 3. Phil Gilliam 2. Melissa Ennis 2. Matt Smith 2. Luva 2. Ben Kay 1. Lauren Causby 1. Simon Campbell 1. Dawn Marie 1. David Prescott fem Top 10 Sexiest Eyes men 10. Shayna Ferguson 10. Micah Roos 9. Shelly Slavek 9. Omar Melton 8. Christine Smith 8. Dee Daniels 7. Caron Hicks 7. Rob Veeder 6. Lady Fenix 6. Ja' Carter 5. Jessy Allen 5. Kailen Mitchell 4. Dawn Marie 4. Kerry O'Connor 3. Lauren Causby 3. Simon Campbell 2. Betty Latham 2. Ben Kay 1. Brandy Bruce 1. Phil Gilliam fem Top 10 Sweetest People men 10. the collective mind of fem Top 10 Bitchiest People men Brandy & Anna 10. Fred Grimm 10. Brandy & Anna 10. David Price 9. Alisyn Collins 9. Ken 9. Susan Watts 9. Shane Clary 8. Heather Sampson 8. Kerry O'Connor 8. Erica Potter 8. Brad Robinson 7. Sarah Luginbuhl 7. Ted Dejong 7. Kathryn Phillips 7. Steve Norris 6. Anna Spell 6. Mark Parker 6. Margaret Clifton 6. Joseph Johnson 5. Tia Bartz 5. Mike Murphy 5. Melissa Anderson 5. Matt Smith 4. Amy Nolan 4. Josh Bradley 4. Leslie Tobias 4. Seth Rutledge 3. Kat Allen 3. Matt Smith 3. Ann Grant 3. Lorenzo Quintana 2. Katie Hilbert 2. Bob Bearclaw 2. Jenna Carson 2. Adam Jones 1. Jennifer wathen 1. Keith Pyatt 1. Catherine Clifton 1. B.J. Boatwright fem Top 10 Biggest Freaks men 10. Christan Bryant 10. Trevor Jayne 9. Jackie Strickland 9. Robert Theis 8. Jen woodward 8. Michael Hayes 7. Leigh Bragassa 7. Scott Nuelken 6. Leslie Tobias 6. Jessy London 5. Katie Hilbert 5. Jason Baughman 4. Dawn williams 4. Brian White 3. Kat Allen 3. Josh Kovarek 2. Amy Nolan 2. joshua Massey 1. Virginia Rolls 1. Eric Dunn Subliminal Message of the day....... Visit the Plutonium Nyborg Express on the web: http://geocities.datacellar.net/Hollywood/Boulevard/1337 http://geocities.datacellar.net/Hollywood/Boulevard/1337 http://geocities.datacellar.net/Hollywood/Boulevard/1337 http://geocities.datacellar.net/Hollywood/Boulevard/1337 http://geocities.datacellar.net/Hollywood/Boulevard/1337 http://geocities.datacellar.net/Hollywood/Boulevard/1337 The Standardized Guide to the Bases --On Deck-- Having plans for a date. --Strike Out-- Duh!! -- Walk-- Kissing --Bunt-- Masturbation --Single-- Tongue kissing --Double-- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and touching --Triple-- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation --Inside the park home run-- Oral sex --Home Run-- SEX! --Ground Rule Double-- would have sex, but no condom --Error-- Condom breaks during sex --Banned for life from gambling-- sex without condom --Hall of Fame-- Marriage Now that we have the basics, let's introduce some terms that better explain all the things that can happen these days: --Balk-- Premature ejaculation --Pine Tar-- KY jelly --Relief pitcher-- Vibrator --Rain Delay-- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly --Box Seats-- Waterbed --Seventh Inning Stretch-- Unusual positions --Rookie-- Virgin --Minor Leagues-- Under 18 --Loaded Bases-- Manage e tuas --Grand Slam-- Sex four times in twelve hours --Foul tip-- VD --Three up and three down-- Impotency Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity... OLD WAY- "We, um, got to third base I guess and then we, um got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her." NEW WAY- "First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and I started thinking, it's hall of fame time." NEW WAY- "So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher. Well, there you have it, I hope this cleared up a lot of the confusion and I hope it helps you out.... LET'S PLAY BALL!!!!!!!!!!! Joshua's Top 10 List of Fucked Up Top 10 Lists 10. Top 10 reasons to go to church on Easter morning with a hang over 9. Top 10 bar soaps most used by hippies 8. Top 10 conversations to have with a hippie 7. Top 10 reasons to go to the mall while crashing on trip 6. Top 10 substitutes for drug induced pleasure 5. Top 10 locations to search (in vein) to look for Ziggy 4. Top 10 reasons to spend quality time with Darrell's neighbor 3. Top 10 reasons not to masturbate 2. Top 10 fun places to go in Columbia 1. Top 10 reasons not to make dead baby jokes *****Psychology Test***** NO CHEATERS ALLOWED!!! This test is not valid if you look at the answers before you have read and answered the questions below. # your paper 1-10 1. You are sitting on a couch with someone who is very important to you and you care about a lot.......it is one of the best moments of your life, maybe nothing happens physically, but something definitely happens emotionally, and you connect......who is this special person you are with? 2. Think of a song that reminds you of your happiest moment. 3. You are walking through a graveyard, you see a familiar face, who is it? This person can be living or deceased. 4. Name a state in the United States that has significant meaning to you. 5. On an average, how many times do you look at yourself in the mirror a day? 6. If you were an animal, what would you be? 7. Name the person you are most physically attracted to at this point in time. This must be someone you know. 8. Write a song title down that just popped in your head. 9. Write your shoe size down......don't lie! Then multiply this number by ten. 10. What is the longest you have ever been involved in a relationship? *****************Test Results****************** 1. The person you put for #1 you love deeply. This person could be in your life forever, which could result in marriage. 2. This song will be played at your wedding. 3. The person you saw in the graveyard has caused much stress in your personal life.......you will always look at them in a pessimistic view. 4. The size of this state represents your sexual desire. 5. If you answered this question with ~4 or below, You are a strong individual who openly expresses your opinions. ~5 to 12, You are comfortable with your surroundings, but never quite feel like you fit in. ~13 to 26, You are a self-absorbed social moron. ~27 and above. You are extremely insecure and feel rejected to the point you find yourself in meaningless relationships which could lead to eating disorders or obsessive compulsiveness. 6. If the animal you have chosen was a........ ~ Carnivore, You are very self-centered ~ Omnivore, You are a well rounded person who cares about others, but also has concern for yourself. ~ Herbivore, You are insecure and have low self-esteem. 7. This person will mean nothing to you within one month. "Love is within your heart, not your eyes." 8. This song describes how you feel about the person you thought about when you read the answer for #4. I know you thought about someone. 9. This number is the percent of your life that you have/will to the fullest. 10. This number is the day you will meet your everlasting love on. Ex. 1 year, you will meet him/her on the 1st. 7 months, you will meet him/her on the 7th.....etc... RITA RUDNER'S FACTS ABOUT MEN 1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. 2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. 4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him. 5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. 7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun. 8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. 9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf. 10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. 11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. 12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. 13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." 14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. 15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. 16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies. 17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. 18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. 19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men. 20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. 21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" 22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you. 23. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other." 24. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks. 25. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. 26. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause -you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles. 27. Men forget everything; women remember everything. 28. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. Top Ten Signs That Your Computer Is Trying To Kill You 10. Sends e-mail to kevorkian@mercykill.com every time you get a cold. 9. The only error message you receive is *redrum*. 8. Start up screen says "how do you want to die today?". 7. The floppy disk you just ejected is embedded in the wall behind you. 6. Power-management feature has three settings: medium, well done, and charred beyond recognition. 5. Comes with the Bronco Chase screen saver and The Bruno Magli mousepad. 4. Shutdown message reads " It is now safe to shove your tongue into an electrical outlet. 3. System sounds replaced with an entire Yoko Ono album. 2. Screen-saver shows flying toasters landing in a bathtub...with you in it. 1. Web-search results keep listing Hong Kong chicken recipes. Random Thoughts On The Female Side (Also offered to men to help them get in touch with their female side.) I read this article. It said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day! I'm Catholic. My mother and I were unpacking and she found my diaphragm. I had to tell her it was a bathing cap for my cat. How many of you have continued dating someone because you were too lazy to commit suicide? A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills - she had 14 kids, but she didn't give a shit. They kept telling us we had to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it on a Tuesday morning when I genially proposed, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in Vigorous Toning With Resistance?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen, bitch, do it and you die." The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing --- and then marry him. The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I've done my job. My doctor said "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is you don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're a bitch" Skinny people piss me off. Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. In that case, maybe you don't deserve food. I'll tell you what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody who's 34 inches around or over 34 years old can fit into that shit. Sometimes I wonder if men and women are really suited to each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? Create like a God, Command like a King, Work like a Slave, and Ask questions like a 4 year old. Top 10 Things To Do In Raleigh 10. Die of a pollin overdose. 9. Go to Meredith dressed like a guy and see how long it takes for the girls to freak out and scream, "Man On The Hall! 8. Get really FUBAR'd and try to forget you're in Raleigh. 7. Try to think of a movie that Ziggy has never seen. 6. Go to Legends and listen to everyone talk shit. 5. Go to IHOP and get a graphic description of everyone's sex life. 4. Go to Ziggy's and annoy her into letting you play MarioKart64. 3. start rumors about yourself just to see how twisted they get. 2. Obsess about moving out of the state. 1. Absolutely Nothing!!! Random Crack by Mike, Kat, and Ziggy I fondly remember my years spent in the warmth of the torture chamber. The hot coals crackling beneath my ass felt worse than the hemorrhoids I had last winter. But, just then, Mr. Carson's obese male child came and came, and came, and came, and came and came on Michael J. Fox and slapped his face with my creamy cock. I felt like Alice through the looking glass. I lit the nearby torch and used it to light my blunt. After taking a few too many tokes, I went onward on my search for Cartman's father. Rectal probe? Check. Cheezy poofs? Check. Hitler costume? Check. It was planned perfectly. Only one thing remained, the pickled pigs feet still needed to be licked by the dominatrix who was wearing only a thin leather strap but had a whip and some pudding to cover the other important areas. But what to do with the rest of the Jello? Suddenly a pigmy, balding yeti sprang from the depths of the gelatinous lake. It was none other than the infamous Monster Of Baklaliviatatlaglooshen! What was I going to do? "Unbelievable!", exclaimed the monster as it came out of the small cave in the side of the mountain. Bart the bear was about to attack when the monster burst into tears and began singing "You Are My Sunshine". Bart was touched deeply so he plunged his fist into his ribcage and pulled out his pancreas. He had meant to aim for his heart, but his finger slipped, still covered with Johnny's cum. And that, my friends, is that. Tips for Northerners moving South 1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it. 2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right. 3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows. 4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. 6. Do not buy food at the movie store. 7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating. 8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive. 9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent. 10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?" 11. People walk slower here. 12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either. 13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it. 14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. 15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here. 16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down. 17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this! "stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say. 18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased. 19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers. 20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November. 22. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do. 23. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed. 24. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer. 25. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there. 26. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy". 27. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle. 28. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself. 29. If you hear music from your neighbors house, join in on the chorus. 30. If you are a woman with a flat tire, don't worry - someone will be along shortly to change it for you. This is the South and we don't let our womenfolk change flat tires. 31. Yes, we do have garbage pickup twice a week here. 32. While you didn't realize it, the National Anthem does end with "Gentlemen Start Your Engines!" 33. However you did it in the North is of no concern to those of us in the South. 34. Flannel shirts can be considered formal wear in the wintertime. 35. Those nice white buildings on the street corners, across from the convenience stores, are called churches! Pick one and attend. 36. Learn to play softball. 37. Learn to eat watermelon. Seed spitting is optional but distance is a virtue. 38. You have 10 days to get your Alabama tape, Bear Bryant Cup and learn all of verses to "I'll Fly Away" after establishing residency. Get your drivers license when you get time to do it. 39. Learn to visit the Space and Rocket Center at least one time each year. 40. Appreciate leaving the house 30 minutes before concert time and being seated 10 minutes before concert time. 41. Don't plan on us being at work the first day of deer, turkey, dove, squirrel rabbit season. 42. Biscuits and gravy, get used to it. 43. Come and Came are interchangeable. They come over = They came over 44. Names and relationships in story telling is important 45. TV wrestling is real 46. You don't have to catch fish but you must go. 47. Iced tea is always sweetened. 48. Only poor white trash use dark meat in their chicken salad. Here's a new two year degree being offered. It's called BECOMING A REAL MAN. Here's the program outline: FIRST YEAR Fall Schedule MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 103 PMS - Learn when to keep your mouth shut MEN 102 You too can do housework MEN 104 We do not want sleazy under-things for Christmas Winter Schedule MEN 110 Wonderful laundry techniques EAT 100 Get a life, learn to cook MEN 111 Understanding the female response to getting in at 4 am ECON 001A What's hers is hers MEN 112 Parenting: It doesn't end with conception Spring Schedule MEN 120 How not to act like an asshole when you're wrong MEN 123 Reasons to give flowers MEN 121 Understanding your incompetence ECON 001B What's yours is half hers (must pass ECON 1A) MEN 122 YOU, the weaker sex SECOND YEAR Fall Schedule SEX 101 You CAN fall asleep without it MEN 201 How to stay awake after sex SEX 102 Morning dilemma: If it's awake, take a shower MEN 202 How to put the toilet seat down Winter Schedule MEN 210 The remote control: Overcoming your dependency MEN 213 Honest - You don't look like Tom Cruise - Especially naked MEN 211 How not to act younger than your children MEN 230A Her birthdays and anniversaries are important MEN 212 You, too, can be a designated driver Spring Schedule MEN 220 Omitting @&%+&^^! From your vocabulary MEN 223 Thirty minutes of begging is not considered foreplay MEN 221 Fluffing the blanket after farting is not necessary MEN 230B Her birthdays and anniversaries are important MEN 222 Real men ask for directions Course Electives EAT 101 Cooking with quiche MEN 231 Mother-in-law EAT 102 Utilization of eating utensils MEN 232 Appear to be listening EAT 103 Burping and belching discreetly MEN 233 Just say "yes dear" ECON 001C Cheaper to keep her (must pass ECON 1B) The Man Quiz 1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as: a) Lovemaking b) Screwing c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town 2 .You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship b) Your blood-test results c) Five tequila slammers 3. You time your orgasm so that: a) Your partner climaxes first b) You both climax simultaneously c) You don't miss Sports Center 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: a) Healthy, creative love-play b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: a) The best part of the experience b) The second best part of the experience c) $100 extra 6.Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is: a) No concern of yours b) Not a problem - she can join your gym c) A conservative estimate 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: a) A myth b) An oxymoron c) A moron 8. Foreplay is to sex as: a) Appetizer is to entree b) Priming is to painting c) A queue is to an amusement park ride 9.Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? a) "I hope we can still be friends." b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...." c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You." 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy b) Is uptight and a waste of time c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man. If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused. If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking. Rules for Attorney Hunting Season... 1.) Any person with a valid State hunting license may harvest attorneys. 2.) The taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. 3.) The killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove roadkill to roadside, then proceed to nearest car wash. 4.) It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a helicopter or other aircraft. 5.) It shall be unlawful to shout, "whiplash," "ambulance!" or, "Free Perrier!" for the purposes of trapping attorneys. 6.) It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys. 7.) It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of whorehouses, health spas, ambulances, or hospitals. 8.) If an attorney is elected to government office, there will be a $500 bounty on the pelt. 9.) Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, vermin and contagious diseases. 10.) It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purposes of hunting attorneys. Attorney Bag Limits: Yellow-Bellied Sidewinder = 5 Hairless Civil Libertarian = 7 Skinny-Butt Ambulance Chaser = 12 Horse or Cattle Rustler Defender = 20 Silver-Tongued Murderer Defender = 50 Jack-Legged Divorce Litigator = No limit Honest Attorney = Extinct Random Crack Part 2 by Kat, Mike, and Ziggy When I was twelve, a little green Martian asked me, "Why is it always my fault?", as the new VW Bug parked itself in front of me. "Elaphino!", screamed the crazy chick from Kalamazoo. "Well shit then. How the hell are we supposed to get to the zoo if you don't know where it is and I can't hope to figure it out?" So I shouted, "Eliphino!" to the sky knowing that no one was listening. Then, a huge pink dinosaur flew from the sky to offer a piece of his advice. "My dear, if you can't see the forest, cut the goddamn trees down. Don't let anything get in your way. Seek the goddamn truth! Don't let them measly peasants get in your way! This is your castle and you can do as you wish. But first, can I use your bathroom?" "Are you out of your goddamn mind?!" "Quite actually." LeRoy replied calmly as he executed a commando roll and leapt from the roof of the Pizza Hut to get back to the car where he left his freshly rolled joint. Nobody saw it coming when he decided to smear Gray Poupon all over his body and start licking himself uncontrollably. He just couldn't help himself. It was like sticking his member in a meat grinder. He pulled the arrow from the hole and out sprung a fountain of thick viscous lava. The poor Martian sunk into the heat, still crying..."Why?! Why?!" Top 5 reasons to believe computers are female: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. The message "BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME" is about as informative as "If you don't understand why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." 4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval. 5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. YOU MIGHT BE FROM A SMALL TOWN IF: 1. You can name everyone you graduated with 2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home 3. You know what 4-H is 4. You ever went to "headlight parties" 5. You used to drag "main" 6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour 7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't 8. You ever went cow-tipping 9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the buyer' for all of the best parties 10. You have parties at the same guy's house 12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events 13. The town social events are their children's 14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents, anyhow) 15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them 16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop for the latest smut 17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade 18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming 19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have gained weight or quit taking care of yourself 20. No place sells gas on Sunday 21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10) 22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks 23. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town 24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date 25. You ordered your wardrobe out of a catalog 26. You had senior skip day 27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation 28. The only 'clique' that nobody would be nice to was the skurves across the street 30. You don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references (turn by Armstrongs' Liquor, go two blocks past Andersons', and it's four houses left of the track field) Random Crack Part 3 by Ziggy, Kat, and Mike One day as I was smoking my Mad Gia-Crack, I wondered to myself, "Would the world explode if somebody organized a worldwide flushing of toilets?" The possibility of such a massive collaboration was completely impossible if left in any creatures hands, besides the mice. Or maybe I should say, paws...anyway, as I was saying about the summit, oh wait! Damn! I'm all out of Gia-Crack! I'd better go find some X or something that will enable me to cum uncontrollably, no matter if the ugliest fucking moron were with me. I decided that drugs were not the answer, but a nice Chihuahua ka-bob would be nice. So I went in search of the perfect puppy, and suddenly, I felt a strange feeling in my ear. I went to pick at it and out popped a little troll! It's fuzzy hair reminded me of an off color willow tree. "Salutations!" slurred the piss ass drunk crack-whore. "I really could go for some coffee right now. And you?" "Sure, why not? But first can we go out and slaughter some chickens and cows? They're fun to play with." "Yea, kinda like hamsters!" retorted the Richard Gere look-alike in the passing limousine. He appeared to be exclaiming "Johnny's Fat Boy Burgers!!!". I shook my head and decided that I was WAY too fucked up to deal with all of this. My reality was becoming a huge blur of tracers and imaginary anomalies, most of which were sexually oriented. I closed my eyes and slowly turned the key, took a puff on my cigarette and sailed off into the horizon. Top 10 Reasons Why Slater Is Da Bomb! 10. He fetches. 9. He beats the hell out of the dogs. 8. He sells "nip" to the other neighborhood cats. 7. He stole money from Leigh over 2 years ago and we still can't find it. 6. He's got a really cool dyed tail. 5. He'll steal anything from anyone! 4. He makes strange seal noises when bird-watching. 3. He's a total drug fiend. 2. He was born at Kent Road --- oh the horror!!! 1. If he doesn't like you, he won't spread rumors, he'll just piss on your clothes! Once again Leroy was asked to do a simple homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences. Here's what he handed in: 1. HONOR ROLL - We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL. 2. PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard. 3. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, "DISMAY hurt a little." 4. OMELETTE - Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week. 5. STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space. 6. MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, "Gimme one MOBILE." 7. DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away. 8. AFRO - I got so mad at my bitch, AFRO a lamp at her. 9. AFTERMATH - I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed. 10. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET. 11. DOMINEERING - My girly's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING. 12. KENYA - I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change. 13. DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play. 14. DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, "DATA boy!" 15. COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, "COPULATE!" 16. FASCINATE - My girly's titties are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE. 17. BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is this BEWARE I get a job?" 18. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION hung like a horse. 19. COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that, and you'll be thrown out the COATROOM." 20. DECIDE - I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of bitches on DECIDE. Top 5 reasons to believe computers are male: 1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have obtained a better model. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 5. One big power surge knocks them out for the rest of the night. WOMEN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK * Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. * Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. * Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. * What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. * So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. * If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there. * Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse. * Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone. * Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. * A man who can dress himself without looking like Pee Wee Herman is unquestionably gay. * Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny. * Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. * The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it. * If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books. * A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night". * Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with. * Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his. * If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing. * When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar." A Women's Little Instruction Book... *************************************** 1. If you think the way to a man's heart is via his stomach, you're aiming to high. 2. Women don't make fools of men -- most men are the do-it-yourself types. 3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've gotten sick of him. 4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too. 5. A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do. 6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder. 7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway. 8. There are only two four-letter words that are offensive to men -- "don't" and "stop" (but not used together). 9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart. 10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee. 11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he already is. 12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman. 13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them! 14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make great pets! 15. Men's' brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man. 16. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's. An escaped convict breaks into a young couple's house and ties them up. The husband turns to his young wife and says, "Honey, this guy hasn't had any sex for years. Please, do anything he says...our lives depend on it." She says, "I'm glad you feel that way, because he just mumbled to himself that you have a great ass." Dave's Response To "Top 10 (#1 & 2 on this list were added later) Reasons Why Star Wars Kicks Star Trek's Ass". 12. In the Star Wars universe, weapons are rarely, if ever, set on 'stun'. Dave - Yes, but Star Wars blaster guns don't completely disintegrate people either. 11.The enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp-- the Millenium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a wookie. Dave - The Millenium Falcon as with all craft in the Star Wars universe could only achieve Light Speed (186,282mps) Warp 1 is roughly equivalent to 3.6 times the speed of light (give or take) The Enterprise-E can achieve warp 9.97. 10.After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable-- after pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell. Dave - On Picard's defense, he was stripped naked, electrocuted, starved, hung by his arms and constantly bombarded by two blinding spotlights in an effort to make him say there were in fact three spotlights as opposed to merely two. He didn't break and was finally released. Also, at least Picard doesn't look like he has two danish pastries strapped to either side of his head either. 9.Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action. Dave - This is assuming that Jabba could even catch Harry Mudd. He isn't the most mobile creature in the known universe. 8.Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters. Dave - True, Luke only wants to sleep with his sister. ' nuff said. 7.One word: lightsabers Dave - Two words: Klingon Batlethe. 6.The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I. Dave - Not necessarily, they do have a strict rule of non-interference with primitive civilizations. 5.The Death Star doesn't care if the Earth is class M or not. Dave - Neither did the Borg, but they met Picard along the way. 4. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance. Dave - I can't argue with this. Darth Vader, does in fact rule. But imagine how much things could be improved should he put in charge of the Federation with the Enterprise as his flagship. 3. Picard pilots through the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at one-quarter inpulse power. Han Solo floors it. Dave - One quarter impulse is still faster than the Millenium Falcon's top speed outside of lightspeed. Plus, the Enterprise-E is 700 meters long. The Falcon is 60 meters. 2. Aliens have make-up in other places than their foreheads. Dave - Yes, but I bet Kirk would still have sex with them. 1. Death Star vs. Enterprise Dave - Ok, here is the true test. Both ships are capable of causing planetary devastation. The Death Star is a big Damn ship (Meaning the Emperor might be trying to make up for some other short coming). The newest Enterprise is just under the size of a standard Star Destroyer (1000meters), which is to say it is dwarfed by the Death Star, but far more manevuerable. But, all Star Wars Vehicles fire lasers. A laser is a primitive version of the Phaser, shot by federation vessels. Theoretically, the lasers wouldn't even penetrate the Enterprises shields. However, we must assume the Death Star's weapon capability far exceeds the norm and it is conceivable that a direct hit would overload the Enterprise's Shields if not outright destroying her. However, we are now faced with a quandry. Who is Captain? And which Enterprise? My pick- Picard and either Enterprise D or E. Kirk in the original would probably be outmatched. Unless Spock intervened with extreme logic and Scotty whipped up something special. A telemarketer was taking a survey. He told the woman on the line,"I represent a number of vaseline companies and we're doing a survey of the many uses of vaseline in the home. Would you mind taking a few moments and telling me how you use our product ?" She said, "We use it for cuts, dry skin, chapped lips and sex." The marketer undaunted pushed on, "Uh, would you mind explaining how you use it for sex ?" She says, "Simple. I put it on the door-knob -- it keeps the kids out of the room." The Age Game Here's something fun. Try it. You'll be amazed! THIS IS SCARY BUT IT REALLY WORKS. DON'T CHEAT BY READING THE RESULTS FIRST!!! Work this out as you read. Don't read the bottom until you have worked it out.!!! 1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to go out. 2. Multiply this number by 2. 3. Add 5. 4. Multiply it by 50. 5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1748. If you haven't, add 1747. 6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born. RESULTS: You should now have a three digit number: The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to go out each week). The second two digits are your age!!! Actual answers given by contestants in the game show Family Feud Name something a blind person might use - A sword Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde Name a dangerous race - The Arabs Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse Name something that floats in the bath - Water Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair Name something Red - My cardigan Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers Name a famous royal - Mail A number you have to memorize - 7 Something you do before going to bed - Sleep Something you put on walls - Roofs Something in the garden that's green - Shed Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings Something you might be allergic to - Skiing Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog Something associated with the police - Pigs A sign of the zodiac - April Something slippery - A conman A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish A food that can be brown or white - Potato A jacket potato topping - Jam A famous Scotsman - Jock Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones Something with a hole in it - Window A non living object with legs - Plant A domestic animal - Leopard A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee A way of cooking fish - Cod Something you open other than a door - Your Bowels Joshua's top 10 things to do when coming down off a trip 10. go on a 3 hr quest for a switchblade symphony t-shirt 9. go to the mall as a form of ritual punishment 8. drive 57 mph on the interstate in the fast lane to insure you will no have to pass anyone 7. wait for ia to take an hour and a half shower so the water is nice and cold 6. read the nyborg 5. take an ass cold shower 4. look at pictures of naked people's piercings at body rites 3. drive past adriana's coffee shop at 2 mph blasting *amazing grace* on the bagpipes 2. look for ziggy 1. look for a 10 strip ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS SEEN ON CARS: All generalizations are false. I brake for no apparent reason. I'm not as think as you drunk I am. Forget World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Born free...Taxed to death. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. No radio - Already stolen. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. I souport publik edekashun. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. Politics Explained SON: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?" DAD: "Sure son. What's the question?" SON: "What is politics?" DAD: "well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". we take care of your needs, so we'll call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class", and your brother we can call "The Future". Do you understand, son?" SON: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it." That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the bot returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning, he reported to his father. SON: "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is." DAD: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?" SON: "Well dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, and Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit." SIX CRACK-HEAD POEMS BY ZIGGY, KATIE, MIKE, TED, AND ERICA Crack - fuck - shit - uh - clueless - Alicia - "What? What?" - yeah - dumb-ass - not Jake! No!! - I'm not Matt - Yes - speak louder - auto pilot - mad passionate sex - Brooke - couch - wall to wall carpeting - rug munching - plebian - Kyle - ketchup bottle - massacre - Texas Chainsaw - why?!! - Bud Dry - lite - fixture - voltage - electrocute - Wednesday - Duke Power - fuck the 5.0 - Mustangs - random! ******************************************************************** chunky - monkey - spank - my booty - not again! - again, again!!! - scream - shitty movie - WHAT?!!!! - Ziggy's obsession - Neve - phone - ET - My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult - Kerry's car - vegetable - CORN! - Brak - hail - Bob - What about? - liver - pancreas - spleen - rubber body suit - Ziggy in latex...yums - why me? - why do you always stick me - you suck - please - not now - not later - I'm a lesbian - YES, you are - how can you tell? - consecutive multiple orgasms ******************************************************************** Bohemian - cruise - boat - Miss Lucy - carrots - Fudruckers - rudfuckers - dyslexia - I worship Dog - puppy cookie - Korean food - curry - Tim - no more R.H.P.S. - scary people - biggots - my dad - old - rotting - revenge - thbbbbt! - shut up - close - yo mouf! - Looooouke! - emptiness - I'm not like that - tastes in my mouth - FISH! - tastes like chicken - rattle snake - sting - Police - run away!!! ******************************************************************** Spooky - cat - pussy - Slater - Christian's - suck! - my big fat dick - you're stepping on it - it's so big - relativity - Einstein - Back to the Future - lame - Redneck Zombies - duct tape - sticky - licky - tongue ring - can I practice with the thingy - imperfection - uh-huh - A-Ha - Take On Me - Matt - wipe your feet - Joey's carpet - big black spot - sloppy - aren't you going to end it? ******************************************************************** Beef cake - hoot beef injection - Sporto - Sporty Spice - Posh - old decrepid stanky ladies - Mike's mom - has liver - will travel - but to what end? - wrong end of a backwards moving buffalo - Road warrior - the tank - I luvs my car - stickers - I69 - Kama Sutra - seductive - positions - about 3, so far - so good - walnuts - yums - tastes like chicken - bugs - bunny - huge pointy pointy teeth! ******************************************************************** Ziggy's trunk - fornication - ohhh! yea! - masturbation - sooo boring - Mr. Happy - drug induced paranoia - hit the bong - I hate marijuana - in your brain - oh my God! That's what I was gonna say! - unnorigional bastard - indeed - nothing came to mind - wasted - FUBAR - crowbar - back of steel - brain of mush - Spam - dog food - horse meat - French - Voulez Vu Cou Cher A Vec Moi Ce Soir - Fuck me tonight - sure, why not? Results of a contest for "theories" sponsored by Omni magazine. GRAND PRIZE WINNER When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet. And when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. RUNNERS-UP: #1 If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille. #2 Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out. #3 Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate. #4 The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast. HONORABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells." CAFFEINE Caffeine is my shepherd...I shall not doze. It maketh me to wake in green pastures, it leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses. It restoreth my buzz - it leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its namesake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal(tm)! For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me. Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Juan Valdez. Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over. Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life. I will dwell in the House of Maxwell forever. Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the examination was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you. . ." "I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked this question all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn." On their wedding anniversary, the redneck's wife asked her husband, "Homer, should I kill a chicken for tonight?" "Nah," he answered. "Why blame a bird for something that happened twenty years ago?" ~~~ Is it live, or is it... ~~~ Answering Machine Messages Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. (Use MacIntalk or similar voice program to speak your message.) Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five answering machine. I am equipped with the new Pentium processor to assure that nothing can go wrong. Gowrong. Grong. Grong gronggronggrong{BEEP!} Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal. Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that. (2001 sound clip) (Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone". This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious". Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. (To the tune: "If I Only Had A Brain" from The Wizard of Oz) I might be in the shower, I might be gone for hours, I can't come to the phone. So, please leave your name and number, If I miss you it'd be a bummer, Leave your message at the tone... Hello. If you're calling with bad news, leave your message now. If it's good news, wait for the tone. If a telephone rings in an empty room and no one is there to answer it, was there really a phone call? You decide! Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call. (Have a static TV station playing loudly in background) Hello!... Oh, HI!!! Yeah?... Could you say that again?... what?... You have to speak louder, this connection is terrable! LOUDER, PLEASE!... OH, WAIT A SECOND! (Static fades out.) There, that's MUCH better! Is that clearer for you?... Oh good! Then you can leave your message now! {BEEP!} - Compiled by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org Random Joke After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." "Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to.". WARRANTY CARD ON PURCHASED GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL[tm] Dear Special Interest, Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official[tm]. With regular maintenance your Government Official[tm] should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence. 1. Which of our fine products did you buy? __ President __ Vice-President __ Senator __ Congressman __ Governor __ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce __ Cabinet Secretary - Other __ Other Elected Official (please specify) __ Other Appointed Official (please specify) 2. How did you hear about your Government Official[tm]? (Please check all that apply.) __ TV ad. __ Magazine/newspaper ad. __ Shared jail cell with. __ Former law partner of. __ Unindicted co-conspirator with. __ Arkansas crony of. __ Procured for. __ Related to. __ Recommended by lobbyist. __ Recommended by organized crime figure. __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.) __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere.) __ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple. __ Solicited bribe from me. __ Attempted to seduce me. 3. How do you expect to use your Government Official[tm]? (Please check all that apply.) __ Obtain lucrative government contracts. __ Have my prejudices turned into law. __ Obtain diplomatic concessions. __ Obtain trade concessions. __ Have embargo lifted from own nation/ally. __ Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival nation/religious infidels. __ Obtain patronage job for self/spouse/mistress. __ Forestall military action against self/allies. __ Instigate military action against internal enemies/aggressors/targets for future conquest. __ Impede criminal/civil investigation of self/associates/spouse. __ Obtain pardon for self/associates/spouse. __ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies/rivals/hated ethnic groups. __ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors/environmental exploiters/capitalist pigs. 4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply.) __ Performance of currently owned model. __ Reputation. __ Price. __ Appearance. __ Party affiliation. __ Professed beliefs of Government Official[tm]. __ Actual beliefs of Government Official[tm]. __ Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign government. __ Blackmail. __ Celebrity endorsement. 5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government Official[tm]? ______ If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing models. __ Excessive operating / maintenance costs. __ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model. __ Defect in current model: __ Dead. __ Senile. __ Indicted. __ Convicted. __ Resigned in disgrace. __ Switched parties / beliefs. __ Out bribed by competing interest. Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a Government Official[tm] you have chosen the best politician that money can buy. Those of you who remember the 1973 book, "Our Bodies, Ourselves" by the Boston Women's Health Book Collective may be relieved to learn that after nearly a quarter century of silence, the male view has finally been captured in the new book, "Our Dicks, Our Dicks." A man and a woman have been married for 30 years, and in all those years he had never allowed her to look in the trunk of his car. One day, the man is out of town on a business related trip and his wife finds his spare set of keys. Unable to resist temptation, she goes out to the car and looks in the trunk, where she finds a bag containing $10,000 and an ear of corn. When her husband returns, she tells him what she has done and demands that he explain what's going on. He says, "Well, as for the corn, every time I was unfaithful to you, I would buy an ear and put it in the trunk." After she recovers from the shock of his being unfaithful she says, "Well, what about the $10,000?" He replies, "Every time I accumulated a bushel, I sold it." Submitted by Gary Nelson The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?" The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven." Random Jokes "Do you expect me to believe that you were playing golf from seven in the morning until seven in the evening?" the wife asked her husband. "You should have been home by three." "Now, let me explain, Carol," Harry replied. "I got up at dawn and picked Fred up at six A.M., but on the way to the course, I had a flat tire. I didn't have a spare, so I had to walk a couple of miles to the service station. By the time I got back to the car, it was after nine. Then we ran out of gas, and that cost an hour. We didn't tee-off until eleven." "You still should have been home by three," Carol replied. "I'm not finished," Harry explained. "Everything was fine for the first two holes, but then Fred had a heart attack. I ran to the clubhouse to find a doctor, but no luck. By the time I got back, Fred was dead. So for the next sixteen holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred. . ." A couple goes to a masquerade party dressed as a cow. He's in front, she's in back. The party gets a little boring, so they decide to stay in their costume and go for a little walk. As they're going across a pasture, they hear, "Snort! Snort!" The wife says, "Bobby! There's a bull over there, and I think he's gonna charge! What are we gonna do?" The husband says, "Well, I'm gonna eat some grass -- you'd better brace yourself." Two men are playing golf when a funeral procession passes by on the street next to the green. One of the men takes off his hat and holds it over his heart. When the procession has passed, the other man says, "That was a nice gesture." "Well," the first guy says, "after twenty years of marriage, it was the least I could do for her." Gary matched Dan drink for drink, trying to get him to talk about what was troubling him. Gentle prodding was ignored until finally, after downing the sixth, Dan blurted out, "OK, it's your wife." "My wife?" his friend demanded. "What about my wife?" Dan replied, "I think she's cheating on us." Jake was on his deathbed, with his wife Becky at his side. With tears streaming down his face, he said, "Becky, I must confess. . ." Becky interrupted, "Hush. Don't try to talk." But Jake insisted, "No, I want to die with a clean conscience. I must confess, I've been unfaithful to you." Becky replied, "Yes, I know. Why else would I have poisoned you?" A man was complaining to his friend: "I had it all. . . money, a beautiful house, a nice car, the love of a beautiful woman. . . then Poof! It was all gone." " What happened?" asked the friend. The first man replied, " My wife found out." When the concerned wife called him at home for the third time, the doctor lost his patience. "There isn't a damn thing wrong with your husband," he said. "I've checked him out thoroughly and he only thinks he's sick." A week later the woman ran into the physician on the street. "How's your husband?" he asked. "Terrible," the woman replied. "Now he thinks he's dead." A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the state lottery!" Martha replies, "Should I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man says, "I don't care. Just as long as you're out of the house by noon." While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her. He says, "Say, honey. . . I'd really like to get into those pants o' yours." "Thanks," she shot back, "but I've already got an asshole in there." While giving a physical, the doctor noticed that his patient's shins were covered with dark, savage bruises. "Tell me," said the doctor, "do you play hockey or soccer?" "Neither," said the man. "My wife and I play bridge." the following is a reprint from The Madison Institute Newsletter, Fall Issue, 1894: INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE on the Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and Personal Relationships of the Marriage State for the Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God by Ruth Smythers beloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist Church of the Eastern Regional Conference Published in the Year of our Lord 1894 Spiritual Guidance Press New York City INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex. At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it. It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man. Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency. Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction. Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage. By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home. Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body, and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn. Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted. A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed. Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access. When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband. If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory. If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time. Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment. The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus make connection. She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while he is huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the at is in progress. As soon as her husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for more. One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband's desire for sexual expression. The Weenie Whacker Song (To the tune of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight") In the bedroom...the quiet bedroom The Bobbitt sleeps tonight... In the kitchen...the downstairs kitchen Loraina grabs her knife... (chorus) Weenie whacker weenie whacker Weenie whacker weenie whacker Slashed his pee pee...his tiny pee pee It left a nasty scar Stuck his rocket into her pocket And drove off in the car... (repeat chorus) Out the window...the Nissan window She threw his shuttlecock Then the cops came and found the unit And outlined it with chalk... (repeat chorus until sent to your room) In the cooler...the Playmate cooler They packed it up real tight the doctor patched it...and reattached it It still don't work quite right... (repeat chorus until spanked) There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving a perfect car (I think it was a Corvair) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. (It was a BIG Corvair!) Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Don't be so amused just yet......keep reading! =================================== A Male's Response: So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. A police officer pulls over a little red sports car for speeding. He walks up to the car and the first thing he notices is how gorgeous the driver is. She's a drop dead blonde, the works, just gorgeous! "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your driver's license?" "License . . . ???" The blonde looks confused. "It's usually in your wallet," replies the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver manages to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asks the cop. "Registration, . . . . hmmmm. What's that?" asks the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment," says the cop impatiently. After more fumbling, she finds the registration. "I'll be back in a minute," says the cop and walks back to his squad car. The officer runs a routine check on the license and registration, and the dispatcher comes back all excited: "Is this woman driving a red sports car?" he asks. "Yes," answers the officer. "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asks the dispatcher. "Uh . . . yes" replies the cop. "Here's what you do" says the dispatcher. "Give her back her stuff, stand back and drop your pants." "WHAT!!? I can't do that. That's crazy!" exclaims the cop. "Trust me; just do it," says the dispatcher. So the cop returns to the blonde, hands back the license and registration, and drops his pants as instructed. The blonde rolls up her eyes and sighs, "Oh no! Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!" A son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it. While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you're dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you're dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!" On the first day of school, the college dean addressed the freshman class to explain some of the campus rules. "The women's dormitory is off-limits to male students and the men's dorm is off-limits to female students," he intoned. "Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time, $60 the second time and $180 the third time. Does anyone have any questions?" A male student raised his hand. "How much for a season pass?" While at the fairgrounds, a woman wanted to take a ride on the Ferris wheel before heading home. Her husband waited while she took a spin. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the woman was thrown out. She landed in a heap at her husband's feet. He gasped and bent down. "Are you hurt?" he asked. "Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once." It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinkin'? Can you believe... * It is illegal in Kentucky to marry the same man more than 3 times? (guess they had a lot of problems with that) * In California it is illegal to set a mouse trap without a hunting license? (the LAPD is tougher than you thought) * It is illegal to use Lassos to catch a fish in Tennessee (yeah, a rusty hook is far more humane...) * If a man is wearing a striped suit, you cannot throw a knife at him in Natoma, Kansas (I guess you are going to have to use a gun) * Time to update & repeal these laws... * In 1659, Massachusetts made Christmas illegal (and you think the Kennedy's get away with murder!) * Unless you have a doctor's note, it is illegal to buy ice cream after 6 p.m. in Newark, New Jersey. (Guess where I don't want to live.) * It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime in Montana (Hollywood, we have a problem) * In Minnesota, it is illegal to tease skunks (as if being sprayed for such an act of stupidity is not enough) * In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal to kiss your wife on Sunday (no wonder everyone is in a bad mood on Mondays) Have you ever heard of? Tarzan, Texas Chicken Head, Florida Scarface, California It doesn't surprise me that there is a... Latex, Louisiana Rudeville, New Jersey Boring, Oregon Places I'd rather not live... Hell, Michigan Hooker, California Paradox, New York Virgin, Utah Crapo, Maryland Dulls Corner, Maryland Boogertown, North Carolina Bowlegs, Oklahoma Spasticville, Kansas Volcano, Hawaii Hellhole, Idaho Beersville, Pennsylvania Purgatory, Maine Fleatown, Ohio Burnt Corn, Alabama Two Guns, Arizona What would Freud say about... Toad Suck, Arkansas Lizard Lick, North Carolina Climax, Michigan Spread Eagle, Wisconsin Needmore, Arkansas (Clinton's Home Town?) Hardup, Utah Big Bogue Homo, Mississippi Hornytown, North Carolina Conception Junction, Missouri An actual letter sent to Miller Brewing Company and their response: Miller Brewing Company Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201 Dear Sir or Madam, I have been a drinker of Miller beer for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the mid 80's). Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid-1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD. For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew. But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold! Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design. Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label. That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new design. Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations: 1. Your cans are made of aluminum. 2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy. 3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may be exposed to sunlight. 4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of the can. 5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer). 6. Warm beer sucks. This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer. However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can... black!!! Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put up with. Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below. The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38 degrees and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time. These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers. The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suck-point) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F. Beer Type Average Suck-point (minutes) -------------------------------- Miller Lite (white can) 6.2 Bud (white can) 5.5 Bud Lite (silver can) 5.2 Ice House (blue and silver can) 4.4 Coors Lite (silver can) 4.1 Miller Genuine Draft (black can)2.8 Coors (gold can) 0.1 Conclusion: It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suckpoint, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point. It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you. Sincerely, Bradley Lee Beer-drinker The Miller response appears below. They have had a lot of fun with this guy's letter. Enjoy... Dear Bradley Lee, Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as it relates to premature warming of the contents. Like you, we at Miller Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken your letter and subsequent experiment under serious consideration. Outlined below are our findings and solution to your problem. May we add that we have had similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern United States. First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends to agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any temperature. Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can to create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing did some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can. You will be pleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now wreaking havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design staffer working in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized. However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been even a bigger mistake. So, we took some other actions. From our market research, we found a difference between Northern beer drinkers and Southern beer drinkers. Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in the North. We are still researching why that is. Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone take more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one of our beers. We pride ourselves in creating fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston. However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes. However, may we suggest in the future you try consuming at least two in that time frame. From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the clock to come up with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine Miller products. We hope you have recently noticed our solution to your problem. We found that the hole in the top of the can was not big enough for quick consumption. So, we have now introduced the new "Wide Mouth" cans. We hope this will solve all your problems. Might I also suggest that if you want to get the beer out of the can even faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can, tip it to your mouth and then pull your finger off the hole. This is a common way to drink beer at parties and impress your friends. This technique is known as "shot-gunning". You should like the name. Again, thank you for your letter and bring to our attention that there might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink our beers. Let me assure you that I will have our advertising department work on campaign to solve this problem, too. Sincerely, Tom B. Miller Public Relations Miller Brewing Co. P.S. And remember, at Miller Beer we do favor gun control, too. So please use two hands when firing. God creates Adam, and soon Adam is complaining that he's all alone in the Garden of Eden. So God says, "Okay, I'll make you a companion, a beautiful creature who'll cook and clean for you. It will be able to converse intelligently on any subject, and never ever complain or argue." Adam says, "That sounds great." God says, "The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg." Adam says, "Damn, that's expensive. What can I get for a rib?" A woman with 14 children, ages one through fourteen, decided to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion. "When did he desert you?", the judge asked. "Thirteen years ago," she replied. "If he left 13 years ago, where did all the children come from?" "Well," said the woman, "he kept coming back to say he was sorry." The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life. 1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed. 2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. 3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. 4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. 5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him. 6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. 7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind. 8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. 9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax. 10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax. ********************************************************* Now the updated version for the '90s woman. 1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood. 2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card!) 3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage. 4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's! 5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster). 6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup. 7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care. 8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word. 9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed. 10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does. Today's humor from Rodney and Cathy's Joke List. Visit our web site at http://www.rcjokelist.com Slam Book Quote Page "I'm so hungry, I could eat a milkshake from dick-way." - Head "Sick dude, your mom's a hermafolite!" - Jeanne "Let's send some money to the little starving armless legless willieless boy from baklaliviatatlaglooshen fund!" - T.G. "Phonomena; doo-doo-doo-doo-do!" - Kat "Sometimes he's corny, sometimes he's nutty, he can be brown or greenish brown..." - Erica "I want to practice with the tongue ring thingy." - Katie "Ziggy's booksack is the only birth control I need." - Anna S. "I am a chicken and cheese burrito. Eat me." - Ted "Wayne, will you have my child?" - Tracey "You lie, she's da bomb!" - Matt "Squirt it all over my tits! Yeah - that's it!" - Marsha "Higher, Marsha, higher!" - Jenn "O.K., so now I'm on auto-pilot!" - Ziggy "I love Ziggy, yes I do!" - Amy "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." - Margaret "You're going into the ARMY!?!" - H.D. "Never give up hope because without hope, you have nothing." - Jare "I'm sorry Head." - Horhay "The hangers are all in my face - I can't find the door!" - KT " " - Randy "And the sky was made of amythest." - Kerry "I'm so proud of you, Katie." - Alisyn "My lava lamp just got crowned king of the world...cool!" - Ann "...did I mention that I'm in a band?" - Virginia "Oh-my-God-I am like, so not a valley girl." - Brooke "Fuck fuck fuck fuck and then do it no more!" - Brandy B. "I came here to get high and fuck...and I'm all out of herion!" - Robert "Tank hard!" - Embm "You never go with the intention to reach Denny's...you just end up there." - Sandy "Experience is the ONLY true knowledge." - Melissa E. "Quit babyling and fuck me already!" - Susan "Joe and Angie (momma and daddy)" - Josh K. "Damn, I'm going crazy." - Teri "Poot!" - Suzanne "But why pink? I understand the dwarf, but pink?" - Nite "Westside is the best side." - Gary "Like, I think she doesn't want to be white trash anymore." - Brandy M. "Something wicked this way comes." - Pandora "I love you like jock itch on a candy cain!" - Heather "I'm only happy when it rains." - Amanda "It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice." - Stacy "Cats walk by themselves." - Jessy "Can I have like a biscuit!?!" - Anna H. "What it be, Fe?" - Daniel "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." - Sarah L. "....yeah...." - Will "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?" - Kelly "Whatever." - Lauren "...with fava beans and a nice chianti." - Kat L. "lick me, all of you!" - Windy "When in life you come to a point when everyone feels like everyone is feeding you shit, like it and ask for more because someday you'll be feeding yourself." - Mike M. SLAM BOOK RESULTS sexiest male sexiest female biggest lush most Str8 Edge should be pres. of world 5. Slater 5. Brandy & Anna 5. Ziggy 5. Ken 5. Anna S. 4. Ben Kay 4. Katie 4. Mike 4. Kat 4. Laura A. 3. Kerry 3. Beth 3. Kat & Katie 3. Jacob 3. Jen W. 2. Steve 2. Kat 2. Matt 2. Brooke 2. KT 1. Matt 1. Ziggy 1. Brandy D. 1. Thad 1. Ziggy last person u want who should never strangest person u've album you'd like who u'd want as your around when trippin' have random sex had sex with to have sex to personal slave 5. DJ X 5. Kat 5. Patience 5. Hooverphonic 5. Dawn Marie 4. Neighbor 4. Teri 4. M.K. 4. Smashing Pumpkins 4. Erica 3. Skittles 3. Katie 3. Trent 3. Enigma 3. Ziggy 2. Alisyn & Kelly 2. Jake 2. Ann T. 2. Switchblade Symphony 2. Kat 1. Teri 1. Lorenzo 1. DJ X 1. Portishead 1. Katie concert u'd like to person you'd like if u were Hothead Paisan who would u mud who should have have sex at to molest the first guy u'd take out... wrestle with been neutered 5. GWAR 5. Tori Amos 5. Lorenzo 5. Brooke 5. Jinx 4. L7 4. Kat & Katie 4. Frank 4. Beth 4. DJ X 3. Portishead 3. Claire Danes 3. DJ X 3. Katie 3. Fish 2. Lords Of Acid 2. Ani DiFranco 2. Skittles 2. Alisyn 2. Lorenzo 1. Tori Amos 1. Kate Winslet 1. Jake 1. Ziggy 1. Jake when u have a mental breakdown person's head u'd smash would masturbate to u wish that____ who do you want there w/ you with your boots pics of Betty Boop was here 5. Alisyn 5. Peter 5. Steve 5. Brooke 4. Ziggy 4. DJ X 4. Brandy M. 4. Kerry 3. Head 3. Lorenzo 3. Kelly 2. Katie 2. Anna S. 2. Helms 2. Anna S. 2. Matt 1. Matt 1. Jake 1. Katie 1. IHOP Jen!!! If the Slam Book keeps passing you by, write me at Nyborg@Juno.com and I will send you the questions. Or check out the Web Slam Book on the Nyborg's internet site at http://geocities.datacellar.net/Hollywood/Boulevard/1337 How to spot a Raver Ravers can perfectly understand and have amazing conversation with anyone under the age of ten. Ravers know where all the best toy stores are. Ravers get the most mileage out of their shoes. The toes and heels always curl up because they're so worn down. Ravers are the only people who don't have their age calculated in months, yet still wear and use pacifiers. Ravers always consider every new place they go to as a possible location for party. Ravers hug EVERYONE. Ravers can actually DANCE. Ravers can be found dancing everywhere EXCEPT the main dance floor. Ravers understand the true art of bathroom conversation. Ravers choose their clothes by texture. Ravers get the most enjoyment out of gino/guito stories. Ravers realize that "Evian" spells "naivE" backwards. Ravers always know the most likely spot to find other ravers within a one-hundred foot radius. Ravers don't bother planning to meet their friends ahead of time, their friends are already there. Ravers give the best hugs and massages. Ravers have a one track mind. It goes "thump thump tweet thump tweet thump." Ravers constantly point out the trippy visuals in everyday life. Ravers helped Adidas through the "lean" years. Ravers never know the name of their favorite tracks. Ravers know how to SMILE. Ravers always choose "e" on multiple choice questions. Ravers sure good at playing "guess what he's on". Ravers will say "hi" to those people they don't know, yet always see on the bus. Ravers define the music they listen to as "good". Ravers know what to do with a dead glowstick. Ravers always wish the DJ would spin that OC Transpo track that they keep hearing on the bus ride home. How to Catch a Rabbit The CIA, the FBI and the Newnan Police Department are all trying to prove that they are the best. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants through out the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The NPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "okay, okay, I am a rabbit, I am a rabbit." THE ARGUMENT Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better computer programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with G-d to be the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and G-d announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says G-d, "let us see if Jesus fared any better..." Jesus enters a command and the screen comes to life with a vivid display, and voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers... Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" + + + + + God chuckles, "Everybody knows...Jesus saves!" BOYS GIRLS A heart is not a play thing, There are many good things in life, a heart is not a toy, like cars, money, and weed. but if you want it broken, But if you want something confusing, Just give it to a boy. a girl is all you need. Boys they like to play with things A girl doesn't say what she wants, To see what makes them run, but you're somehow supposed to know. But when it comes to kissing, If they want to do this or do that, They do it just for fun. stay here, stay there, or just go. Boys never give their hearts away Then there's the time, you all know what i mean, They play us girls for fools, that monthly little joy. They wait until we give our hearts That lets them abuse the shit out of you, And then they play it cool. just for being a boy. You will wonder where he is a night If you ever dare look at another girl, You will wonder if he's true, they seem to scream, go on, and panic. One moment you will be happy, But watch how fast they ignore you, One moment you will be blue. at the sight of that queer from Titanic. If you get a chance to see him They give you questions like "Am i fat?", Your heart begins to dance and "If you could go with one of my friends, who?". Your life revolves around him, There is no answer, face the facts, There's nothing like romance. you are definately through. And then it starts to happen, They take nothing and blow it up, You worry day and night and make a tremendous fuss. You see, my friend, you're losing him So girls, no matter what you think, It never turns out right. you are just as hard to understand as us. Boys are great, though immature The price you pay is high, He may seem sweet and gorgeous But remember, he's a guy. Don't fall in love with just a boy That takes a lot of nerve. You see, my friend, you need a man To get what you deserve. So when you think that you're in love, Be careful if you can Before you give your heart away Make sure that he's a man. Once there was a a beautiful young girl who lived in a small town just south of Farmersburg. Her parents had to go to town for a short while, so they left their daughter home alone, but protected by the family dog, which was a very large collie. The parents told the girl to lock all the windows and doors after they had left. And at about 8:00pm the parents went to town. Doing what she was told the girl shut and locked evey window and every door, but there was one window in the basement that would not close completely. Trying as best as she could she finally got the window shut, but it would not lock. So she left the window, and went back upstairs. Just to make sure that no one could get in, she put the dead-bolt lock on the basement door. Then she sat down had some dinner and decided to go to sleep around 12 am. She snuggled up with the dog and fell asleep. But at one point, she suddenly woke up. She turned and looked at theclock...it was 2:30. She snuggled down again wondering what had woken her.....when she heard a noise. It was a dripping sound. She thought that she had left the water running, and now it was dripping into the drain of her sink. So thinking it was no big deal she decided to go back to sleep. But she felt nervous so she reached her hand over the edge of her bed, and let the dog lick her hand for reasurance that he would protect her. Again at about 3:45 she woke up hearing drippping. She was slightly angry now but went back to sleep anyway. Again she reached down and let the dog lick her hand. Then she fell back to sleep. At 6:52 the girl decided that she had had enough... she got up just in time to see her parents were pulling up to the house. "good" she thought "now somebody can fix the sink...cause i know I didn't leave it running" She walked to the bathroom and there was the collie dog, skinned and hung up on the curtain rod. The noise she heard was its blood dripping into a puddle on the floor. The girl screamed and ran to her bedroom to get a weapon, incase someone was still in the house.....and there on the floor, next to her bed she saw a small note, written in blood, saying, "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO MY BEAUTIFUL" "PLEASE KEEP THE FORK" The sound of Martha's voice on the other end of the telephone always brought a smile to Brother Jim's face. She was not only one of the oldest members of the congregation, but one of the most faithful. Aunt Martie, as all of the children called her, just seemed to ooze faith, hope, and love wherever she went. This time, however, there seemed to be an unusual tone to here words. "Preacher, could you stop by this afternoon? I need to talk with you." "Of course, I'll be there around three. Is that ok?" It didn't take long for Jim to discover the reason for what he had only sensed in her voice before. As they sat facing each other in the quiet of her small living room Martha shared the news that her doctor had just discovered a previously undetected tumor. "He says I probably have six months to live." Martha's words were naturally serious, yet there was a definite calm about her. "I'm so sorry..." but before Jim could finish, Martha interrupted. "Don't be. The Lord has been good. I have lived a long life. I'm ready to go. You know that." "I know," Jim whispered with a reassuring nod. "But, I do want to talk with you about my funeral. I have been thinking about it, and there are things that I know I want." The two talked quietly for a long time. They talked about Martha's favorite hymns, the passages of Scripture that had meant so much to her through the years, and the many memories they shared from the five years that Jim had been with Central Church. When it seemed that they had covered just about everything, Aunt Martie paused, looked at Jim with a twinkle in her eye, and then added, "One more thing, preacher. When they bury me, I want my old Bible in one hand and a fork in the other." "A fork?" Jim was sure he had heard everything, but this caught him by surprise. "Why do you want to be buried with a fork?" "I've been thinking about all of the church dinners and potlucks that I attended through the years," she explained. "I couldn't begin to count them all. But one thing sticks in my mind. "At those really nice get-togethers, when the meal was almost finished, a server or maybe the hostess would come by to collect the dirty dishes. I can hear the words now. Sometimes, at the best ones, somebody would lean over my shoulder and whisper, "You can keep your fork." And do you know what that meant? Dessert was coming! It didn't mean a cup of Jell-O or pudding or even a dish of ice cream. You don't need a fork for that. It meant the good stuff, like chocolate cake or cherry pie! When they told me I could keep my fork, I knew the best was yet to come! That's exactly what I want people to talk about at my funeral. Oh, they can talk about all the good times we had together. That would be nice. But when they walk by my casket and look at my pretty blue dress, I want them to turn to one another and say, "Why the fork?" That's when I want you to tell them that, "I kept my fork because the best is yet to come!" *********************************************** ....Top 19 Ways To Annoy Other People.... *********************************************** 1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 150%, dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies. 2. In the memo field of all of your checks, write "for sensual massage". 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". 4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up". 5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think". 6. Practice making fax and modem noises. 7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss. 8. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy". 9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 10. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green and insist to others that you "like it that way". 11. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." 12. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 13. Ask people what gender they are. 14. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 15. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 16. Sing along at the opera. 17. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 18. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles". 19. Send this list to everyone in your e-mail address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this. Warning! Do take the test as you read, there are only 3 questions, and if look at the end before finishing you won't get the honest results. 1) Arrange the following 5 animals according to your preference: Cow, Tiger, Sheep, Horse, Monkey 2) Write one word to describe each of the following: Dog, Cat, Rat, Coffee, Ocean 3) Think of somebody (who also knows you) that you can relate to the following colors (Pls. don't repeat your answer twice only one person for each color): Yellow, Orange, Red, White, Green *(See interpretations below) : 1) This will define your priorities in life Cow means career Tiger means pride Sheep means love Horse means family Monkey means money 2) Your description of Dog implies your own personality Your description of Cat implies your partner's personality Your description of Rat implies your enemy's personality Your description of Coffee is how you interpret sex Your description of Ocean implies your own life 3) Yellow - somebody who will never forget you Orange - someone whom you can consider as your real friend Red - someone you really love White - your soul-mate Green - a person whom you will always remember for the rest of your life Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language. Consider: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort youcan get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, dog shit, cat shit, bird shit, whale shit, rat shit, and horse shit. There is tough shit, hard shit, soft shit, slimy shit, rough shit, limp shit. You can shit a blue streak, shit bricks, shit pink twinkies, shit marbles, or shit your guts out. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, keep shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plane shitty. There is funny shit and sad shit, bad shit and good shit. Some shit doesn't stink while other things really smell like shit. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can be faster than shit or you can be slower than shit. Sometimes you'll find shit on a stick, sometimes you'll find shit everywhere, and then there are times when you can't find shit at all. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.. You can carry shit in a bucket, put shit in a barrel, have a pile of shit, have a mountain of shit, have a river of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. You can slice shit, spread shit, dunk shit or jump shit, and some people just can't cut the shit. There is fun shit and dull shit, silly shit and serious shit. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. You can stir shit, kick shit or stick your ass out the window and shit on the world. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. This means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG but rather with a BIG DUMP. Keep that in mind the next time you flush the toilet. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else. Top Ten Stupid Things Boys Do On Dates: 10. Brag About How Much Funnier Their Friend Is Than Them 9. Tell The Story About How You And Your Ex Did It With A Soda Bottle 8. Make Ketchup Sideburns At The Resturaunt. 7. Brags About How They Send Out Stupid Fowarded E-Mails To All Their Friends. 6. Says There Italian (Mamas Boys Only) 5. Orders The Filet Mignon, but Pronounces It Fill-it ming-yawn. 4. Tells her, If she pays For Her Own Way In, he'll Buy Her Popcorn 3. Kisses her goodnight on The Ear 2. Makes her Drive Him Home 1. Doesn't Get Any From A $200 Dinner A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a tad put out. The egg mutters to no-one in particular "I guess we answered THAT question." POLLS: Weirdest thing you've done when fucked up - It was all good tho - it was a prescription fuck! Attacked a nurse and then got sedated and strapped into a straight jacket and had conversations with my voices for seven days * Exfoliated in a field and ran down a highway naked to jump in a pond and wash off the sand * hand in the jello * double bottle * fucked Amy on the IHOP grill * Talkes to Ziggy's fish in the bathroom * had a baby * Something with a dog * Went back to school * Put cherry tomatoes up a guy's ass * Fucked Amy * Handcuffed Kat and played w/ the Play Pail * Had a 4-some * Explored my twat w/ a mirror for 2 1/2 hours * Sat at IHOP and drank a cup of coffee with a Raleigh cop while tripping * Start hitting on a guy w/ an accent that I don't remember at all! * Obnoxious games of truth or dare * Explored Venus from my bedpost * Held a conversation with my big toe * Moved to Raleigh * a guy * It involved handcuffs * Ran 4 miles while writing an opera about the dryers in the Bragaw laundry room while smiling * Talked to a light pole * Fucked Anna on the IHOP grill * Hide in the closet from my grandmother in the middle of uncensored hot sex! * Snorted pixie stix through a fish aquarium pump tube * Written in your slam book and pretended I was in the 6th grade * Got in a bondage machine * Filled out the Nyborg * Stand outside in the rain in below freezing weather for 4 hours * Thought I was speed racer while I was driving * Discussed closet sex with Head on acid under a tree on Western Blvd. * Cooked grilled cheese * I tried to count to "tree" * Asked questions to Ziggy * Hit 3 deer at one time while out driving in the twigs * orgy * Said no to a bath with a beautiful gay guy * Almost fell off the roof * Truth or dare * said "no" * Crossed and Elephant with a Rhino * Squirted creamer all over boyfriend's brother * got more fucked up * Pass out on da floor for 6 hours * Sat on an imaginary stool at Legends * Almost let Zig use the handcuffs on me * Let them dye my hair * Convinced myself that the last 4 months had not existed * made "new" friends * Ziggy * sobered up * Go to a total strangers house and have sex with a person I still don't know * Masturbated in front of 2 girls then got caught by her grandmother * Got to know several good friends a little bit better * Discussed "how to masturbate a dog" * Blacked out and woke up in Zebulon * Kent Rd - trippin' on roof! * I don't want to remember! * Polls: Ways to get rid of annoying people - Tell them to fuck off * Let really stinky farts * Kill 'em * Chop-chop * Piss on their leather * Flick your boogers at them * Leave * Use them to test the tread on your tires * BBQ them * Lock 'em in a room with the Neighbor when she's drunk * Bitch * Tell them you have a spittle problem and constantly shower them * An AK-47 * Make fun of them to their face * Let me know $5000 plug expenses * Play shitty music really loud * Tell them to leave * Leave them alone * Act like Lorenzo * Elbow drop them * "Go away you smell funny" * Get them arrested * Poison their dope * Chopper...sick balls * Be really annoyingly nice to them * A good drug addiction * Ask them to dance * Bite them * Shit on them * Run over them * Darwin works! * Smash them with your boots * Fart on them (thanks Terrence and Phillip) * Quote bible verses * Invite Peter to hang out with you * Pimp slap 'em * Indroduce them to Izzy * Tell them they are annoying * Shit in their shoe * Sic Josh Massey on them * Stomp their face into a bloody pulp and say "have a nice day" * Make them talk to Teri * Tell them you'll cut them and drain them of their blood * Heavy anesthetics and blunt objects * Bitch in front of them * Squash them * Piss in their laundrey basket * POLLS: The answer to the question "why" is.... - Elaphino! * because my life sux * because I fuckin' said so! * Kina knows what is good for you * Kerry loves me * because there's no more crack, OKAY!? * Y NOT? * 42 * Why ask why? Ask why not! * Because I'm trippin' * OPRAH said so * Figure it out, dumbass * Because I don't know what it is but it's blue and it's this big and if it's gone Slater must've stolen it * Cause I'm drunk! * Because Eve ate that apple * I'll give you 2 guesses and the first don't count * You're stupid * A common topic at Cup A Joe Hillsborough Street * Yo mamma!!! * I said, therefore it is! * fuck me * cause Stone Cold said so! * Because I can! * 'Cos I'm an evil bastard! * Because Mynena has spoken! * And you're asking me because....shut up * Answer me! * My amazing schlong * HUH? * Cookies * Because Jade and Caroline are the two biggest most immature stuck up each others asses bitches!! * because Dawn is a sorry Dyke ass army bitch who never called me * there is no why * Nothing we really want to know * Because the light house ate my car air-conditioning * Just cuz * 50 idiots like you will ask why * Because the beer said so * I AM GOD * Ask yo mamma cuz I don't know * Lick me * Do not question me you little pathetic cunt slime. What I say goes and if you think otherwise I can always use the eggbeaters to change your mind! * Polls: Who would you like as your personal slave and why - Erica, I'm the one with the contract * Ben, because he needs to be put in his place * Double joint boy, self explanatory * Linnea, just cos * Heather, so she cant be a bitch to me anymore * Slater, just cos * Robert, so I can cut off his dick and save the world from his seed * Tyra Banks * Ben Kay and Simon, because they could use a good beating! * Dean * Kelly, close enough, right? * Erica, cos shes good at it * Jessy, the lips * Ziggy, cause I like the dough * Latex Boy, hed be good at it and fun to torture * Emily Riley * Nite, hes a good submissive * I like to earn my slavings * Wayne, cos I could hug him and love him and kiss him and squish him and hold him... * I dont take prisoners * Kat Allen, obviously * Tori, because she has strong arm muscles * Dawn Marie, cos I cant afford her * Ziggy, because she would rebel and hate every moment and I love to see people rebel and succeed * Jeanne & Nite * Alisyn, cause its so much fun I think Ill keep her * Zig, cos she would do cool things with her thingy * Jade and Caroline, TORTURE! keep them apart for 5 seconds and watch them suffer * Jesus, cos he loves me * Dave, because * Kerry, because he does cool stuff with milk and cheese * Jaki, so I could torment the shit out of her * Wayne * But I have so many already * Brooke :) * Beth, that is all I need to say * Chris P., she would be lotsa fun * Katie, it would be funny * KTKATVA, fun, fun, fun * Teri, she would be good at that * Laura, so she will clean my room * Ziggy, shed be fabulous * SMF, because hes good * Kat, because she sounds so cute when she calls me mistress * Jason Baughman, cause it would make him absolutely fucking miserable * Drake the cat because he kisses my eyes * Alisyn * Katie, she is sooo fuckin sweet * Ben, just cos * Dawn Marie, why not? * Beth and Lee, theyre sexy * Leo, because Im so sick of him! He must be rid of our society! * Polls: If you could go back in time and change one thing in your life... - Didn't kiss her, should have * The events that took place 1 week before MOC-10A * Dating Martin and DX * To be virgins when we met * Teri * That couch incident * Cheating on Kelly * The dick I swallowed * My love life * Dating Anna * Having a kid * Sex more often * That time at Ziggy's party * Dave B. * Getting married * That one time I fell down the stairs in middle school * "That bitch" * moving here * I'd cross an elephant with a hippo instead * Would never have dated a man * Moved in w/ Ashley * Richer! More tattoos! * Wouldn't have dated Jacob * Me! All of it! * NOT-THING! * High school * A whole lot * Not having any self esteem before * Everything before college * not saving money * Would have swung my brother around about 5 inches higher so he wouldn't have gashed his shin on the couch * Having sex with men * Jade * To become a skinny fast runner * Would have gone to the Grand Canyon earlier * Robbie * Kristen * Moving away from Baltimore * That time I jumped off the Eiffel Tower * Melinda * Matt Ward * Ever talking * Breaking a promise to a good friend * I would have not finished this sentence * Dropping out * MEN! * Didn't kiss the 1st person I had a crush on * Polls: Strangest place you've had sex - The BP Carwash * In Margaret's bunk while Anna slept in the bottom bunk * -- On my bed under them...sorry guys...wasn't asleep!!! * Church * Forest * Sadlacks * Library front yard * Closet * TacoBell * Diving board * Kitchen * Darkroom * Will's bathroom * You know those signs on the highway with the Marlboro man on it? One of those...it was windy! * Stairwell at Northgate Mall * The couch at MLP Jr. * Lords Of Acid show * That flip and fuck couch autographed thing in Ziggy's old basement * Kent Rd. roof * Basement of doom * On my sister's bed * eastgate park * Alter * Greyhound bus on the way back from New Orleans! * The dog house in Morto's room * The school darkroom * Tool shed by the Agusta Riverwalk * On a toilet * Driving down Hwy 54 * Tank * Under the bleachers in school during an assembly * In my twat * Moving trunk of Ziggy's car while listening to Spank My Booty * Public bathroom floor * Lizbuff's bed * Back of pick-up truck in rush hour * What? Didn't you see me? * Back of police car * The trunk of Ziggy's car * Art museum * Disneyland * Under my car * My sis's bed * Walt Disney ride * I40 * VW Rabbit * In the front driver's seat of a Datsun 210 * Joey's bedroom * Rose Garden * In the middle of the road * On the P.T. Field in California under the sargent's stand * Graveyard * POLLS: New Ways To Kill Kenny - Alien 4: Assault on Kenny - but only if Sigourney makes repeat buzzed appearance * How 'bout we not kill Kenny * Soak his BVD's in gasoline and make him jump through firey hoops * Have Cartman think he is a cheesy-poof and eat him * Who cares about Kenny! What about XBFs? * Give him to Skittles and he'd kill himself * Mafia * Dress him like a doughnut and let Homer Simpson eat him * Burn him so he'll come back in people's nightmares * Have the elephant fuck him * Killed by Stu and Billy * Hook! * Well,,, it'll start out with a really big ship that's unsinkable... * Picture it: Football practice; land mines * Gigantic tarantula * Burn at the stake * Kissing my ass * Heart attack durring sex * Candy man * Pierce his tongue and keep twisting * Take him to a bondage party and have somebody whip him to death * In my twat * Skull fuck that little bastard * Marry him to Josh Baker - aka torture, then forced suicide * Make him go to Legends on Goth night * Introduce him to Jake * Deep fat fryer * Have Kenny kill himself * Make his smoke a joint wrapped in acid and lacked with crack * Make him listen to Alannah Davis's rendition of 32 Flavors * Hanson music * Squish him with Cartman * Cut him open and put a starving rat inside his abdomen and sew him back up * Sit him in a room with Jade and Caroline for 5 seconds * Make him have unprotected sex with an Aids patient * Old age * Multiply him into 10 Kenny's and have a bowling ball kill him * ...a gimp incident that got out of control * Cross him with an Elephant and a Rhino * have him talk! * Pull his draw strings so tight the cartilage in his nose goes into his brain * Stick pole his ass * Kenny commits sepeku * Kat attack * Have the kitty kill him * Drawn and quartered * Eaten by couch * Chinese water torture * Suicide * C4 * Fucked to death by Shelly * Make him eat at The Waffle House * Give him a puzzle box from Hellraiser * Sparky the gay dog fuck him up the ass and tears him in half * A man in a mask (white and black) prank calls Kenny and talks about scary movies, while the popcorn burns....oh wait! That's Scream! * PolLS: If you had the change to fuck with someone you severely hated while they were drunk, what would you do to them? Poke their eyeballs out and feed them to them * Make out with their lover * Peel 2 people apart for 2 seconds * Sit on their face in a 69 and puke all over them * shit * start hitting on them or just bitch them out and pour beer down their pants * Make them watch Spotty eat cat shit * Move their car to another parking lot and trash it * two words: wood chipper * Z's camera comes to mind, barbie polls, pink dildo's * snip snip * Play Russian roulet * Take their beer * Make them listen to the Spice Girls * Deprive them of the Muppets * Have sex in their car, and upon leaving accidentally let off the parking brake * Play country music * Maim, kill, destroy * Claw their eyes out * Shave head * Castration * Take them to a deserted highway in the middle of the night and tell them that they are the last person in the world * take "special" pictures of them with their pets * Menstrate on their heads * Make them watch Trainspotting * Convince them they are a piece of shit * Play Hanson really loud while strapping them to a chair and makig them watch a marathon of The Real World while you put peanut butter in their hair * Kill * Give them StigMata tattoos * BBQ them * Make them love me * Have their heads dry * Snuff them * Load their pockets with crack rock and drop them off at the police station then visit on visiting day at the pen and ask how their making out as Bubba's new bitch * Strip them and leave them in Walltown Durham * Wait till they pass out and strap them to a telephone pole along a major highway naked and leave * Get them hot and bothered, then leave * Shove a broom stick up their ass * Pimp slam 'em * Tell them I've killed for less and that I have a dick collection at home * --This is funny, sick, but funny * Throw used tampons at them * Convince them they were dead * Lick my twat * Introduce them to Anna H. * Undress them and tie them to a flagpole downtown somewhere * Kill the bastards! * POLLS: What would you do with a carton of eggs, a bottle of grease, a picture of an ex-lover, a beefcake t-shirt, a blow pop, a clock, a hat, some restraints, and a gallon of iced tea? Throw 'em in a tub and have a party * Give to Virginia for her orgy * take a turn on the Orgy couch! * well, gee...there's no imagination here * Ask Ziggy * Boil them, nothing, burn it, wear it, lick it, get it, wear it, nothing, drink it! * Burn it all * Roll my face off * Orgy * Have sex with Zoey/Alex * Hurt * Mix it up and eat it * Elaphino! * Get arrested * Shit if I know * A Spell * Make a really big mess * Grease Lorenzo's ass up restrain him to a wall put the hat over his dick and the shirt on him stick the blow pop up his nose stick the eggs up his ass then time him to see how long it takes for him to squeeze them out while drinking the iced tea and burning the picture of my ex-lover Missy! * Fuck fest * Find a way to use them in a sexual way * Call Keith * Juggle * Make meatloaf * Throw it on the afore mentioned couch * Gain some weight * Drink it * Keep the restraints and the Beefcake T-shirt and throw out the rest * Ponder over my priorities in live * Casserole! * Orgy on the orgy couch * Sit down and have some fun * Shut the bitches up! * A bonfire picnic * hmmm.... * Have a yard sale * Give it to charity * Finish my novel, slight plot twist required * Masturbate tie myself up and go to sleep * Arsen * If I can't fuck it or eat it then I'll piss on it * Whatcha talkin' bout Willis?! * Lock myself in a padded cell with Geoff * Notice the time, catch a glimpse of the picture, tie up the dog, masturbate, put on the shirt, and hat, fry the eggs, then sit back with my blow-pop and sweet tea * Decorate my house * Have a glass of tea * Go insane * Oh my! * Sex with double joint boy ( add in some furry woodland creatures and a cattleprod * Ack! Flashback! * Shred it * Go to Disneyland * Watch TV * Give it to Lilly * 1. Cook 'em, 2. Put it on a twister mat, 3. Obsess, 4. Wear it, 5. Give it to Katie, 6. Tell time, 7. Wear it, 8. Get naked, 9. Give it to Matt * Pick-Up Lines From The Slam Book * Have you ever had you navel licked? From the inside? * Nice shoes, wanna fuck? * Hey, wanna go smoke a joint? * Nice handcuffs.... * Your left leg is Christmas and your right leg is Thanksgiving, can I cum and see you between the holidays? * Can I have my spit back? * Ya' look cute, let's fuck! * So, do you go to parties? * I just got dumped.... * If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? * Nice boots...wanna fuck?! * I'll kill cumsmear for you. * Nice whatever we're having here. * La, la, la, I'm insane. * Hey baby, wanna be my fuck bunny? * I just changed my sheets. *You(mumble): "Tickle you with a feather." she: "What?" you (clearly): "How you like the weather?" * Whadya say we get naked? * Are you as horny as a ten peckered owl? * Take me home and tie me up! * Hi, I'm Kelly. * I just got out of prison. * Did you mention aggressiveness? (patting pockets) * Can I borrow your phone number? I seem to have lost mine. * If you lick them, they will cum. * I'm better than fast food, I'm fast. easy, and DELICIOUS! * Hi! Can I pop your hood? * Can I push up your stool? * Give it back!!!! (what?) My breath, you took it away from me. * you...me...Spam? * Can I buy you a cup of coffee? * I have more money than God. * Can I lick your armpit? * Got a light? * Is ya'll witches? * When asked about my tongue ring, my reply is, "I've never had a complaint." * Do you think we'll go metric this year? * Can I bum a clove? * Can I borrow you? * If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. * Fuck me if I'm wrong, but you want to kiss me! * Can we just skip the bullshit and fuck? * FUCK ME NOW!!!! * I'm drunk......... * The word of the day is legs, let's spread the word! * So, wanna play a game of Twister? Poems and other strange stuff An Ode To Ziggy's Trunk by Kat and Amy Mellow Dramatic by Amy Nolan A humid summer evening Slater in the middle of spring an ode to you a self-contained claustrophobia would do no justice a moment of breathless fear to your tuna breath a moment of breathlessness and paws of stripes and a song without rhythm Slater and a broken plastic thingy you see this world of Ziggy which pierced my soul others never see and darkness flowed you see from under coffee tables from the depths of the night and slither tween the chairs O Ziggy's trunk, Slater, Sterling, poor lost Buddha, the Custards of the world with carpet lining in a life for which science can not see carpet burning and experiences lie within you souls uniting that we humans would long to know like the soles of our shoes if we'd stop to see lying haphazardly next to the spare tire and long to know spare jack we share this world with Ah, but that fateful night you...... I jacket so much more than the car in the air Oh, thanks Vogue by Amy Nolan thanks for that dark trunk of lovin' Gia With basketballed lips found MADGIA by Spella glossed A-rock lied glossed upon the pages she smokes of objectified women GIA's crack up her nose of over paided ads chase the dragon baby and skanily clothed it helps with that dead look who found more in their hair disheveled glossed thighs soapy skin and blastered breast blue eyes, gray hat that their minds henna on her arm and Buddha in her heart pen in hand and finger in face skank whore of my eye she loves me she loves me not the roomie I love Rumor-Mongers by Spella Zion Of Leftovers by Amy Nolan cautious consciousness Oh soggy browns don't stand soggy browns of hash don't sit Hash don't push Hash don't wait isn't that a drug they may look, they might know isn't that a shame what you do in the dark How the soggy hash stares at me their tongues never stop from my sweet white porciline plate your ears never close with blue lining sticks and stones, my friend and reflects the sorrow of you welcome the gossip as truth burnt bacon in search of the perfect lie cold brown Hot they used to be sizzling on the grill and bits of food flung Stream of Unconsciousness by Spella from plate to mouth random tandom But you in her crotch dear hash of brown rat shit and you eat it sweet swine overcooked you find it in the lettuce you lay rejected and cold why won't they let us on my plate walk to class in our pj's I push you aside we sleep in the nude for I have eaten all I can is it rude and I've made no room for you to wake me up before the snooze goes off just as there was no room "Dear God let me lay here in peace" for Maey in the Inn. rest in peace You my dejected food dear roomie will be taken away to lie in a heap thanks for the A of food much like you soggy fries- bitter pancakes- soiled butters rotten eggs they are your friends for I- surely your foe and I've depicted your end. In My Dreams by Jaime Everman I hate you in my dreams, Your cold expressions Ricocheting off the canyons of my emotion. And its not always in my dreams this frigid echo is heard, Bouncing and tumbling though love deaf ears. In the cognizant moments of aurora, When the world is washed in passion orange, I unconscientiously reach for thick blankets To comfort my chill touched skin. 6 More Crack-Head Poem Thingies by - Ted, Mike, Amy, Kerry, Katie, and Ziggy Magnetic - myself - no...I'm not - eating - pork and beans - garlic butter - yums - oh the hunger! - like a wolf - Duran Duran - Barbarella - umbrella - tornadoes - The Wizard Of Cunt - poppy sead condoms - ooh la la! - Rex Manning - Xeroxed my butt - what's up Steve - Multiplicity - Brain Donors - sperm bank - donate - Dunkin' or Krispy Kreme - fuck me - uh... **************************************************************************** Kerry with cheese - grits - cheese - rotten - I'm not saying - speak no evil - 12 Monkeys - insanity - you! - smell - the nose knows - Bubba - licious - vicious - orgy - body paint - glow in the dark - condoms - bond 'em - to your dick - a nice poem - not this one - industrial - penguin - buzz off - taste good - like Aunt Jamima - random crack - yes, it is - noooo it's not - funny - barrel of monkeys - midi music - computer generated crap - rocket launcher - move out - in a state of confusion - shit **************************************************************************** Boysenberry - poisonteri - with arsenic - potassium cyanide - bananas in pajamas - banana jack - full metal - crack - Gia - Gaea - illusions - reality - banana - Chiquita - nice fruit hat - Jr. Crack - placenta - yummmmy! - to my tummy - dunlap syndrome - beast ICE - jungle - boogie - I hate disco - shiny balls - sub porn culture - my mom - Vodka gut - Tequila butt - Texas Pete - Thunderkiss '65 - yellow - Jello - Crisco Twister - menthol - cinnamon - pants - Jenkies! - junkies - us - Jedi geki - what does that mean? **************************************************************************** Cyberloptic - dude, english - no habla espanol - you chihuahua - ucalyptus - wanna get high - pedro - couch o' love - pussy couch - I like it - I love it - I want some more of it - drugs - and money - gimme more - for 20 bucks - heh heh - Butthead - shit for brains - my little brother - roses - posers - skate rats - break neck freaky flyin' - Sandra Bullock - manah manah - huh? - Vern - moooooo - tasty hallucinations - cid - convertible bug - moss - barnacles - on your butt - moo...moo boxers - turkeys - eat mor chiken! **************************************************************************** Gorditas!!! - scary Kerry - with milk and cheese - creamy - ice tea - ice cube - cop killer - my momma - smokes crack - licks cracks - fascination with others - play toys - air brush - colorful bodies - assault rifle - handy - Hugo's - hornets - Charlotte - trauma - Raleigh rumor mill - makes grainy flour - your grandmother - wanted to kill - spiders - underoos - loose change - modifier - of gender - Avon calling - Edward Scissorhands - power outage - sex with candles - in what hole? - does it matter, you're using a candle? **************************************************************************** Orgy couch - Kat did what? - in my trunk - spank my booty - right here? - right now! - "There's no other place I wanna be..." - Disneyland - Seven Dwarfs - are fuckin' - in Snow White's bed - change the sheets - but I like the wet spot - spooge - schmegma - yummy nums - random word kick! - my ass - snoogie boogies - mall rats - 3D pictures - Easter bunny - has eggs - Cadbury - creamy center - lick it up, baby ...lick it up - Cornnuts - Drayno - It's blue! - Mech - Ow! My pancreas!