Please note that I am not yet finished putting all of my feelings down. This letter is far from being complete.
To Whom It May Concern,
I am writing this because I am sending my respect out to Howie. What I mean by that is he has gained in my eyes a lot of respect. Him and Brian both, but mainly Howie. They could be, but aren't, using what has happened to them to boost their image or that of the Backstreet Boys. Howie also talks about it and isn't afraid to let it show that he misses her. I respect him because he is going on with his life realising that loved ones want you to be happy doing what makes you happy. Why do I ahve the bird up there? It's a free clip art from Geocities and it's called an egret. Such a beautiful bird, but when I see it's name, all I can associate it with is regret....something I myself have a lot of. I think that if could ahve thought better and longer about a few things in my life I wouldn't feel they way I do sometimes. Make no mistake I am not suicidal, and this is not my good-bye note. It's an expression of sadness that I have felt in the past and occasionally still do. It's things that I wish I had done.....but didn't do. Things I wish I could take back.....but can't. Things I wish I could forget.....but can't.
We make our decisions and we deal with them everyday of our lives. It's how we deal with situations that make us different. I have learned that while the old saying, "It'll make you stronger," hurts, unfortunately works. We learn through experience and if it doesn't break us, it teaches us. We can grow and change with time, or we can refuse to change and break. that is man's biggest accompishment to me. It's not that we can use our hands and our thumbs cleverly. It's not that we can speak to each other. It's not that we are "civilized". It's that we are adaptable. To a climate, to an environment, to our lives, to a situation.
I send a lot of credit out to anyone who has thought about suicide and is still here to read this. You are far wiser and braver and stronger than anyone who has committed suicide becasue you didn't. Sadness, despair, loneliness, being scared, sorrow, mourning. We in this materalistic world don't really know how to deal with these things. Well the truth of the matter is that no one but you can deal with these things. But they don't have to be dealt with alone. Pretending that you don't know what you know, will only hurt more later. Denying what your little voice is whispering deep inside of you, will bring a sharp pang of "I told you so." Ignoring it doesn't work. Trust me. Please.
I don't know all of Howie's story about when his sister died. From what MTV News states, "The Backstreet Boys pulled out of a scheduled headlining slot at a radio sponsored show in Shakopee, Minnesota, on Sunday after hearing that band member Howie Dorough's sister had died of complications from Lupus." It makes me wonder if Caroline had been in the hospital for a while and jsut not let Howie know how bad it was, or if it was a sudden thing. I ask this because a lot of grief that lingers in one's heart is the, "I should have," and the "I could have," dones. When my grandfather had a stroke, he had had one before, my father and I hopped a plane to go visit him. He was bad and soon it was decided to take him off the ventilator that was his lungs. He wanted it and we wanted to give him what he wanted. To be free from the constant pain and uncertainty that ruled his life. When my uncle had gathered the family together and made the official announcement that the decision had been made to take my grandfather off the ventilator, I wept as did many others in my family. For all of our faults, we wept. The week between his death and his funeral, I stayed with one of my uncles needing my family instead of my friends. My dad flew back home, he had to work, and we had only packed one days worth of clothes. I decided not to go with my dad because I felt that he needed a time to mourn. I didn't think that he would if I was there. What he did during that time, I don't know. Everyday, as I dreaded the funeral, I thought that I should have spent more time with him. I should have visited him more. I wished I could have done so many things with him. I wished we had lived closer so that we could have been there sooner. I wished......so many things. When the day of the funeral came, I remember a bit, I remember being so sad. I don't recall how many tears I shed, but I know that they weren't a bucketful.
