10 PEOPLE WHO I RESPECT IMMENSELY

  1. Rupert Murdoch.
  2. Richard Park, Director of Programmes, Capital Radio.
  3. Richard Branson.
  4. James Cameron.
  5. Al Pacino.
  6. Sam Chisholm, Former Chief Executive of Sky Television.
  7. Any of my former bosses, they've all been great!
  8. My various teachers throughout my education, both school and University.
  9. People who give someone an opportunity to prove themselves.
  10. Anyone who finished the London Marathon.

10 TOP ANIMAL FACTS

  1. Armadillos are the only mammals that do not dream.
  2. The only bird that can fly backwards is the Hummingbird.
  3. The only animal which can get sunburn is a pig.
  4. Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
  5. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
  6. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
  7. Polar bears are left-handed.
  8. The only continent without reptiles or snakes is Antarctica.
  9. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
  10. The percentage of bird species that are monogamous is 90.

10 TOP PERCENTAGES

  1. Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%
  2. American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
  3. American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%
  4. Americans that eat at McDonalds each day: 7%
  5. Potatoes sold that are French-fried: 33%
  6. Ice cream sold that is vanilla: 33%
  7. Harvard students who graduate with honours: 80%
  8. Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%
  9. Men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%
  10. Women who say they are happier: 85%

10 TOP TRUE LIFE FACTS

  1. Barbie's measurements (if she were life-size) would be 39-23-33.
  2. Coca-Cola was originally green.
  3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
  4. The portion of land in the US owned by the government is 1/3.
  5. The only food that does not spoil is honey.
  6. Eskimos never gamble.
  7. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
  8. Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.
  9. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
  10. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.

10 TOP REASONS THAT SHOW YOU ARE TOO DRUNK

  1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
  2. You have to hold onto the lawn to stop from falling off the earth.
  3. Your job interfers with your drinking.
  4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
  5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
  6. Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
  7. You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
  8. You can focus better with one eye closed.
  9. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
  10. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

10 TOP REASONS THE U.S. WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF THE NEXT PRESIDENT WERE A DOG

  1. The Doggy Door on the Oval Office.
  2. At press conferences, instead of "Mr. President," reporters would shout, "Here fella!".
  3. Goodbye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal.
  4. The Washington Monument would be replaced with a hundred-story fire hydrant.
  5. The U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy.
  6. Public enemy #1: That neutering bastard Bob Barker.
  7. Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon.
  8. The country is really run by the dog's smarter poodle wife.
  9. Here's your new national anthem: (videotape of dog barking x-mas jingle).
  10. One word: sausage-gate.

10 TOP SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE A BAD AEROPLANE PILOT

  1. You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Pedro, What's this gizmo do?"
  2. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up.
  3. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet".
  4. The co-pilot is sitting on his lap.
  5. When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!".
  6. At some point he announces, "Nevermind Spain, Let's go find that Mars observer!".
  7. He's wearing a McDonald's uniform.
  8. Over the P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh" .
  9. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport.
  10. He keeps referring to the control tower as "Mummy".

10 TOP WARPED THOUGHTS

  1. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  2. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
  3. What's another word for synonym?
  4. Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
  5. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
  6. Is it possible to be totally partial?
  7. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
  8. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  9. Why do they report power outages on TV?
  10. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

10 REALLY STUPID ANSWERS GIVEN ON FAMILY FORTUNES

  1. A Famous Cowboy: Buck Rogers.
  2. The last thing you take off before you go to bed: Your feet.
  3. Bird with a long neck: Naomi Campbell.
  4. Something a blind man might use: A sword.
  5. Some famous brothers: Bonnie and Clyde.
  6. A famous Royal: Mail.
  7. Something that flies without an engine: A bicycle with wings.
  8. A part of the body beginning with the letter N: Knee.
  9. Something that you do in the bathroom: Decorate.
  10. A Famous Bridge: Bridge Over Troubled Water

10 NEWS STORIES WHICH WOULD BE QUITE FUNNY IF THEY WERE TRUE

  1. Dentists are now warning that kissing can severely loosen your teeth -especially if your wife finds out about it.
  2. Survivors of a plane crash in the Andes admitted to turning to cannibalism to survive. They didn't really have a choice. It was either that or the airline food.
  3. An eleven-year old Australian boy has successfully sued his parents for naming him 'Fatso'. As the tearful little chap left the courtroom he paid tribute to the support he'd received during the week-long hearing from his two brothers Lardbutt and Wobblechops.
  4. The Duchess of York was caught in a traffic jam today when roads protestors blocked the highway. When asked what she felt about roads, Her Royal Fergieness replied, 'Rhodes is very nice but I prefer Corfu at this time of year.'
  5. The world of classical music was in shock today as experts reveal that Mozart suffered from Tourettes Syndrome -the disease which cause people to say swear words uncontrollably in the most unlikely circumstances. At last scholars have the explanation for Mozart's Symphony in F Off Major.
  6. The Ukrainian government has turned down a financial aid package to help pay for their efforts to deal with the remaining radiation at Chernobyl. The Ukrainians explained their actions by saying they prefer to stand on their own three feet.
  7. New York police have become involved in a special Christmas promotion. When you get arrested you can have your mug shot taken sitting on Santa's lap.
  8. Angus McSporran from Aberdeen won over £5 million on the National Lottery and celebrated with a lavish breakfast of champagne and porridge. When asked if he anticipated any problems with begging letters, he said, 'Not really, I'll just keep sending them.'
  9. The Lada car company is to recall this year's new model after it was discovered that the cardboard used in the fenders was dangerously sub-standard.
  10. Tory Party worker, Reg Shrub, rushed his youngest child to hospital today when he realised that the poor child had eaten an entire copy of the Tory's last election manifesto, but was turned away frokm the hospital by doctors who said, 'Don't be daft, nobody ever swallowed that crap.'

10 ACTUAL RESPONSES FROM 11 YEAR-OLDS' SCIENCE TESTS

  1. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
  2. "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
  3. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
  4. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
  5. "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
  6. "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
  7. "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
  8. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
  9. "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
  10. "The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the bominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the bominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

10 THINGS PEOPLE FROM AROUND THE WORLD LEARN ABOUT AMERICANS BY WATCHING BAYWATCH

  1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow motion along the beach.
  2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.
  3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, except from cancer.
  4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.
  5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.
  6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per hour.
  7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.
  8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.
  9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.
  10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.

6 TOP CHRISTMAS FAMILY TIPS

  1. Kids toys: Kids always break all their new toys within 9 minutes of having them, so why not give them unbreakable toys, such as bricks or lengths of steel tube. Failing this, smash their toys up before you wrap them so they think they are meant to be like that.
  2. Batteries: Never buy batteries of the right size. Then when you try to fit them say "Sorry Darling, I seem to have bought the wrong ones." By the time the shops poen your kid will be bored with the toy, or will have broken it.
  3. Grandma: Your grandma is on the settee, she's asleep, she's been blind for 12 years, she's also deaf. Yet the moment that you turn the telly over from the ballet on BBC2, she wakes up and shouts "I was watching that!!!!" Never let your grandma in the house on Christmas day, put her in the garage, turn the lights out and tell her you are having a Christmas in the style of the blitz of 1941. She'll be well happy.
  4. 10 year old cousins: When a child reaches 10, he or she begins to doubt the existence of Father Christmas, and takes great joy from telling your 5 year old child this. If you must invite any 10 year old child, force feed them a mixture of peanuts, cheap lemonade, and chocolate, the play a game of sliding down the stairs on your tummy. They'll be violently sick within 3 minutes, and will be taken home.
  5. Uncles Who Are Surveyors: Unless you want a christmas dinner full of scare stories about the current structural status of your house, never invite Uncles Who Are Surveyors.
  6. After dinner: Turn the telly up as loud as possible unless you like the noise of continual chuffing. Invite someone with a dog. Open all the windows. Do not smoke.

10 TOP WAYS TO CONFUSE SANTA

  1. Cut a big hole in your roof and cover it with a blanket, so that when Santa tries to land on your roof his sleigh crashes into your living room. Explain that you've been having problems with termites.
  2. Set up your living room to look like a workshop, and have people dressed up like elves making toys. When Santa comes, sneer and say, "What's the matter? Afraid of a little competition?"
  3. While he's on the roof, yell up to Santa, asking if he'll mind adjusting your TV antenna. When he does so, tell him, "That's good" and don't let him move until the "commercial" comes on.
  4. Put on a giant tree costume, and wear a sign that says, "Man-eating Tree - Stay Back." When Santa comes, wave your arms angrily and chase him back up the chimney.
  5. Shovel all the snow off of your roof, and replace it with whipped cream. Just when Santa is remarking how cute this is, light a bunch of firecrackers and throw them onto the roof. The explosions should make quite a mess, and maybe scare the reindeer away, too. If so, offer to loan Santa your car.
  6. Scatter the parts of a disassembled bicycle around your living room. Get Santa to help you put it together.
  7. Make your own stockings to hang over the fireplace. Have pictures on them of things like Santa getting hit in the head with a large rock, or Santa catching his beard on fire.
  8. Put a note that says, "For Santa" on a can that's labelled "Rat Poison." Cross out the words "Rat Poison" and write "Yummy Cookies."
  9. When Santa comes, act like you're wrapping Christmas presents. Have boxes that say things on them like "Dead Elf" or "Human Skull." If Santa asks, explain that they're for needy children.
  10. Set up bowling pins in front of your fireplace. When Santa comes down the chimney, throw the ball at him. Angrily tell him to get out of your lane.

10 TOP WAYS SHOWING THAT SCOOBY DOO WAS INFLUENCED BY DRUGS

  1. Scooby and Shaggy were always being freaked out by ghosts and ghouls,but no one else saw them before Scoob and Shaggy.
  2. Scooby and Shaggy always had the munchies.
  3. Shaggy always thought Scooby was talking and was the only one who could hear and understand him.
  4. Scooby and Shaggy always fell into the trap that was intended for the monsters because they were tripping over themselves and couldn't see where they were going.
  5. They were always deluded and warped by thinking they were dressed up in some costumes and entertained the monster.
  6. Shaggy always said "like" to the extreme i.e. "like ZOIKS, Scoob, let's get outta here!!" What's a zoik?
  7. Scooby and Shaggy were always the ones in back of the van (doing whoknows what)
  8. They drove around in the MYSTERY MACHINE, which had that weird trippy design on it's side.
  9. Shaggy and Scooby were always giddy and laughing.
  10. Look at Shaggy; the way he dressed, his goatee, etc., 'nuff said.

10 NEW TYPES OF BARBIE DOLL NEW FROM MATTEL

  1. Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini rosary beads, a mini bible and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she has taken a vow of silence.
  2. Rabbi Barbie: So, why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rabbi Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.
  3. Admin Barbie: Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Admin Ken.
  4. Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini resume and mini filing cabinet filled with the past five years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.
  5. Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on the ring finger of her left hand).
  6. Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie, and I'm an alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day at a Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip and a pack of smokes.
  7. Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.
  8. Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.
  9. Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.
  10. Homegirl Barbie: Truly a fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and says things like "I don't think so", "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take crap from men.

10 TOP REASONS STATED FOR DIVORCES IN GREATER LONDON COURTS

  1. Joan Judge of Loughton divorced Walter because he whistled from 6pm to 10 pm.
  2. Leslie Rilstone of Chelsea divorced Joan because she used their Pekinese dog as a hot-water bottle.
  3. Susan Graham divorced Peter for constantly wearing a gorilla outfit.
  4. Phyllis Bellworthy of Lightwater, Surrey, divorced Ronald because he wouldn't allow her to purchase her own panties.
  5. Evelyn Regester of Wallington divorced Michael because he scheduled their love-making down to the last minute.
  6. Bashir Yadallee of Walthamstow divorced Dorothy because she walked out on him at their wedding reception with one of the guests.
  7. Robert Ferris of Sydenham divorced Charlotte because she damaged their brass light switches with wallpaper paste.
  8. Leonard Appleton of Leyton divorced Margery because she used a separate tablecloth at the end of her table.
  9. Marvin Clifton of Borehamwood divorced Lynda because she accidentally spat food on to his boss's plate at a dinner party.
  10. Alan Locke of Camberwell divorced Brigitte because she disappeared five minutes after the marriage.

10 IDIOTIC REMARKS MADE BY FORMULA 1 COMMENTATOR MURRAY WALKER

  1. "And there's no damage to the car, except to the car itself."
  2. "Unless I'm very much mistaken...I AM very much mistaken!"
  3. "The first five places are filled by five different cars."
  4. "An Achilles heel for the McLaren team this year, and it's literally the heel because it's the gearbox."
  5. "And now the boot is on the other Schumacher."
  6. "The atmosphere is so tense you could cut it with a cricket stump."
  7. "And that just shows you how important the car is in Formula One racing."
  8. Nigel Mansell is the last person in the race apart from the first five in front of him."
  9. "And this is Ralf Schumacher, the youngest driver in F1 and of course the son of twice world champion Michael."
  10. Villeneuve is now 12 seconds ahead of Villeneuve."

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