Joe Don Baker says "Be sure and check out the CANADIAN VERSION of the JOE DON BAKER TOP 5 list. It's more damn fun than a buy one- get one free Sour Cream coupon."
TOP 5 HIGHLIGHTS OF THE "COOKING WITH BENTON COOKING SHOW" ON THE FOOD NETWORK
5) Benton goes to walk-in cooler, door swings open, Benton screams in a rage "JOE DON!!!!", camera pans to inside of cooler, we see a bloated Joe Don and many empty cartons, post-production edits in that "waa waa waaaaaa" music, audience roars.
4) A drunk Joe Don as a guest on the show yells "BAM" every time he hits Benton on the head with his soup ladle.
3)Today's theme on Cooking with Benton- "Grilling shark steaks with some of my old chums".
2) Next week's theme on Cooking with Benton- "How to make soup for 8 feed one Joe Don Baker."
1) Theme music of Waka-ju-waka combined with pans clanging and gunshots.
Top Five Ways JDB is Preparing for Thanksgiving
5) Digging through John Saxon's trash, trying to find out where the secret holiday "Mitchell" cast reunion is this year.
4) Trying to invent a Ben Murphy Eating game using a VHS copy of "Riding with Death" and a whole turkey.
3) Replacing Merlin Olsen's "pop up timer" with a live round of ammunition.
2) Working on perfecting a stuffing made from Schlitz.
1) Three Words: Floor Length Bib
TOP FIVE REASONS JOE DON HASN'T YET VISITED TORGO
5) He hasn't forgotten the big Ford LTD/Chrysler Cordoba argument they got into.
4) He knows Torgo's fridge contains nothing but baking soda and diet sprite.
3) You can't get past Torgo's big dog with a backpack full of steaks.
2) The Schlitz drinkers of Gondor do not tread lightly in the frozen lands of Saranac.
1) He's not worried about Torgo's cabinet of randomly loaded guns, or the fact that Torgo's cedar lattice is just the push of a button away, but on Torgo's back door..... *TWO* layers of alluminum foil!
TOP FIVE PRESENTS UNDER DEANEY'S CHRISTMAS TREE
5) A Universal Remote for the Goldstar, the front gates, and the cedar lattice.
4) A peg board and hooks to neaten up all that junk in his garage.
3) A coupon for a free rental at "Dave's Discount Dunebuggys"
2) A Johnny Mathis Greatest Hits CD.
1) Another year's worth of fresh panties
TOP FIVE TITLES OF BUDDY MOVIES STARRING JDB and BEN MURPHY
5) Riding with Tubby
4) Turkey Davidson and the Sour Cream Man
3) Final Stafford
2) Good Natured Ribbing with Death
1) Tango and Crash
TOP FIVE REASONS JOE DON WEARS A SPEEDO
5) It's how he lands so many roles, "OK OK!! You've GOT the part, now just COVER UP FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!!! BLACKEN MY SIGHT, OH LORD!!"
4) Less fabric to try and wash baby oil out of.
3) He took the line "fresh panties all around" too literally.
2) They can be wadded up and stuffed in an empty Schlitz can for easy storage, much like a more macho version of "Leggs".
1) Since they leave little to the imagination, all the world can see he is "Walking Tall".
TOP FIVE WAYS JOE DON SLIMS DOWN FOR SWIMSUIT SEASON.
5) The "checkered flag or crash" Diet. Everytime you feel like eating, you get out and swear and torque like mad on one of your wobbly wheels until the hunger goes away.
4) Store all food inside the yellow thing, and you only get to eat what breaks open against Martin Balsam.
3) Aerobic Skateboarding with Adam Rich.
2) Low Fat Goosio Shakes!
1) Caesar lettuce.... works every time.
TOP 5 REASONS MITCHELL HATES COMPUTERS:
5) Can't make a one-handed control-alt-delete without losing grip on Schlitz can.
4) All those hate letters to John Saxon and love letters to Linda Evans wears out the "X" key too damn fast.
3) Term "reboot" reminds him to much of his last meeting with his Police Chief.
2) Mice break too easily when you grip them with a greasy beef-rib hand and they ping against the wall like a watermelon seed.
1) Slide out "beer can caddy" tray on CPU won't hold 24x beers like it claims.
TOP FIVE ALTERNATE CAREER CHOICES FOR JOE DON!
5) Driver for the "Match Light" cab company.
4) Chaplain for the Schlitz Brewery Employees breakroom.
3) Host of "Survivor: Dennys Dumpster".
2) Move over Ebert and Roper- Baker and Saxon: At the Movies.
1) Barney! (Lots of places to hide a gun or a porkchop in the suit.
TOP FIVE REASONS JOE DON BAKER WAS REJECTED FOR "CELEBRITY BOXING"
5) His Apollo Creed-like Theme entrance involving a giant Kentucky Fried Chicken box and a smoke machine was too difficult to choreograph.
4) He was caught filling his gloves with sour cream.
3) His quips of "Can't I just shoot him?" made the producers nervous.
2) Match between him and Stephen Hawking seemed blatantly uneven, as Joe Don is out of shape.
1) Nobody has ever heard of him.
TOP FIVE REASONS JOE DON BAKER DID NOT APPEAR IN "Manos: The Hands of Fate".
5) He offered to mind the fertilizer store for Harold P. Warren during production.
4) The role of the doughy cop with mumbled lines had already been promised to that other guy.
3) "Arise my wives... and go ahead on!" only really worked on paper.
2) Torgo's pants were too tight around his thighs.
1) Was furious when he discovered that Manos were not a new kind of Little Debbie snack cake.
TOP FIVE WAYS JOE DON BEATS THE SUMMER HEAT
5) A good supply of those trendy bottled waters, coated and pan-fried.
4) Deep Sea Fishing with Martin "dead calm" Balsam and Merlin "Harpoon chest" Olsen.
3) Visiting Linda Evans in a nice cool concrete cell.
2) Getting rammed off the road by a mustang... while having the window rolled down, of course.
1) Keeping up a steady level of the old "6-12" freon.
TOP FIVE BACK-TO-SCHOOL ITEMS ENDORSED BY CELEBRITY JOE DON BAKER
5) Lunch-sized "Snack Pack" containers of Sour Cream.
4) Linda Evans Backpacks (Can be overstuffed- will stretch for years before they tear).
3) The John Saxon "wetback" raincoat.
2) The Bic "will write on any greasy surface" pen.
1) Beef.
JOE DON'S TOP FIVE PICKUP LINES
5) "Mind if I buy myself a drink and drink it near you?
4) "I like you, you're like a less feminine Merlin Olsen.
3) "Oh yeah, I've shared the credits people like Paul Newman, Pierce Brosnan, Martin Balsam, and....... OOH! CHEESE PUFFS!"
2) "Ever done it with a guy with 2 first names this far North before?
1) "I've got cash."
TOP FIVE WAYS MITCHELL WOULD EFFECT THE MID-EAST PEACE PROCESS?
5) The peace talk table is abandoned for a big compy sofa.
4) Each side must sand-wrestle Linda Evans.
3) Merlin Olsen in a turbon.
2) Can't you just see Mitchell, wandering around Ohio, wondering where the hell all the fighting is.
1) Hey, if you were to see a big old slab O man come a-screamin' across the horizon in a helicopter, pushing the limits of the craft the entire way, swinging a big ol piece of hard, yellow steel like his own personal bullwhip, while all the while chugging a schlitz and pounding out BTO songs that can be heard over the deafening rotors......Well let's just say it'll change your attitute about almost anything
TOP FIVE THINGS JOE DON BAKER FOUND DURING SPRING CLEANING
5) The "Eisheid" renewal contract he forgot to sign and return.
4) The personal experience of having 2000 Schlitz cans come crashing down from an opened closet.
3) His old knitted slingshot bikini pistol holster.
2) The discovery that old orange peels WILL keep a bag of pork rinds fresh for years.
1) Linda Evans's old skin.
TOP FIVE HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS AT MITCHELL'S HOUSE...
5) Spooky cobwebs in the corners and dust over everything. Damn, it looks so real.
4) Schlitz Beer Ball Jack-o-lanterns
3) Fat guy laying in leaves in front yard (if you look closely he has a rake and he is wheezing).
2) "Ghosts" really just stained bedsheets getting an annual outdoor airing.
1) 8x10 glossy of Linda Evans on the front door.
Top Five Reasons Miami wants JDB to Leave
5) Many people tired of being stuck next to Merlin Olsen in the chain hand-holding vigil.
4) Pro-USA-Elian supporters afraid the little boy will be scared back into the sea by "the sweaty man".
3) One can only hear Joe Don shout "Buzz off kid!" at the house so many times before it gets old.
2) Empty sour cream tubs everywhere, and this ain't exactly a cool climate.
1) Janet Reno already more puffiness than town can handle.
TOP 5 MITCHELL BEANIE BABIES
5) Wetback the Raccoon
4) Merlin the Whale
3) Houdeaney the Rabbit
2) Andy the Dodo
1) Mitchie the Shrew
TOP FIVE REASONS MTV WILL NEVER AIR MITCHELL'S FIRST HIT SINGLE
5) Drum Solos are out, especially when it's Merlin Olsen banging on empty soup pots.
4) Youth of America not ready for John Saxon in fishnet stockings.
3) "The Pork Channel" has already played it to death.
2) Meet the new MTV President- Mr. Johnny Mathis.
1) Because they don't play music videos anymore!
TOP FIVE JOE DON BAKER SCENES CUT FROM "THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT"
5) The "element of surprise" to help locate the Blair Witch is ruined with Joe Don pulling a gas grill through the woods.
4) Blair Witch turns out to be BTO's Blair Thornton.
3) Film footage canisters found smudged with sour cream.
2) No Special Effects..... but Linda Evans is just downright creepy.
1) Merlin Olsen screaming like a little girl.
TOP FIVE SCENES CUT FROM "CHECKERED FLAG OR CRASH"
5) Joe Don Baker and Susan Sarandon roling around under a sweaty sheet by the side of the dirt roadway as cars scream by.
4) Joe Don replacing that wobby wheel with a custom made giant donut.
3) Harlan Sanders getting skull crushed with a boulder halfway through movie theme song.
2) 20 minute argument beween Larry Hagman and Joe Don Baker over Cheese-its vs Cheese-nips.
1) Joe Don reaching finish line only to hit wall of Cedar Lattice and explode.
FIVE HIGHLIGHTS FROM "THE MUMMY" STARRING JOE DON BAKER
5) "Hey there buddy, don't take those wrappings off her. Linda crumbles at room temperature."
4) Hilarious scene where tomb is finally entered only to find Joe Don sitting on the sarcophagus eating a ham sandwich.
3) "Hey Merlin, gimme yer hat. I'll show you why they call it a PITH helmet."
2) Joe Don running frantic across the desert towards a mirage of a Schlitz Brewery.
1) Mummy finally destroyed in the end by Joe Don Baker and John Saxon doing a "Malachi Crunch" with dune buggys.
TOP FIVE QUOTES FROM JOE DON BAKER, JEDI MASTER
5) "You must face Gallano.... or Mistretta. Only then, a Jedi will you be."
4) "Use the force... of the big yellow thing."
3) "There is... another..... donut...... under the.... couch....." (dies)
2) "Beware the dark side of the toast".
1) "Adventure" Excitement? A Jedi craves not these.......oooh, are those anchovies?"
TOP FIVE JOE DON BAKER COMMERCIAL SLOGANS FOR HOUSEHOLD MEDICINE
5) Plop Plop, Fizz Fizz, a Schlitzkie-seltzer is what it is.
4) Pepto Bismol: Because climbing into a helicopter is hard enough without a bloated gut.
3) My Doctor said Mylanta. Linda Evans said "Jerk!!!".
2) Unguentine: Stops the annoying itch of bullet entry holes.
1) Tylenol flu and Cold: All the goodness of Merlin's homemade soup, in a pill.
FIVE HIGHLIGHTS OF JOE DON BAKER'S APPEARANCE AT THE GRAMMYS
5) "Maybe I'm drunk, but that chick who is the lead singer for Aerosmith looks pretty good."
4) Joe Don furious when the MITCHELL soundtrack won the grammy for "Best Comedy Album".
3) A lifetime achievement award for Yanni. What a slap in the face.
2) Couldn't talk Celine Dion into singing then "Checkered Flag or Crash" theme.
1) Big yellow thing great for cutting short those damn acceptance speeches.
TOP FIVE HIGHLIGHTS OF THE JOE DON BAKER STATE LOTTERY
5) The big yellow thing filled with sour cream tubs with numbers scrawled on them, and Joe Don reaching his big paw into that bad boy once a week.
4) The instant scratch off game shavings are edible... and BEEF flavored!
3) Merlin Olsen shows up at your door with a big check and soup.
2) Each no-winner week, the jackpot is multiplied by BTO's combined weight.
1) Two words: Blotto Lotto
TOP FIVE THINGS JOE DON BAKER LOVES ABOUT THE SUPERBOWL
5) If you squint real hard John Madden kinda looks like Linda Evans.
4) Merlin Olsen in a rainbow afro wig and a JOHN 3:16 sign in the crowd.
3) Finds behind the TV the pork rinds he threw at the screen the year before.
2) Halftime show featuring Hoyt Axton, BTO, and John Saxon with a jewsharp.
1) Knows that one of these years SCHLITZ will crash the BUD BOWL commercials and kick both Bud and Bud lites asses!!!
FIVE WAYS "ALIEN" WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT IF JOE DON BAKER STARRED IN IT
5) Alien's "inner jaws" emerge to reveal special teeth for pulling beer tabs
4) The vessel "Nostromo" would have been called "Kegger 1"
3) John Hurt peers into the big yellow thing to get grappled by a facehugger
2) References to "The Company" always include a mention of Milwaukee
1) Cryo-tubes filled with the sounds of BTO
FIVE WAYS PINK FLOYD'S " THE WALL" WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF JDB WERE IN THE BAND.
5) "Mother do you think he'll chug the beer?"
4) Instead of white bricks, album cover is wall of Schlitz Cases.
3) Backward message during "Empty Spaces" is actually John Saxon saying "And she's an acrobat, Ted."
2) "How can you have any oranges if you don't eat your soup!?!?!"
1) "The Trial" really comes to life with Merlin Olsen as The Judge.
TOP FIVE HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE "MITCHELL" CAST CHRISTMAS PARTY 1998
5) Horrified faces when Linda Evans arrives in a Mistletoe Thong
4) Joe Don asking the way to the dip, with a straw in his hand.
3) A drunk Merlin Olsen doing the Macarena with a soup bowl on his head.
2) Everyone gets Cedar Lattice from John Saxon.... just like last year.
1) A live performance of BTO doing "Why am I such a Misfit?".
TOP FIVE JOE DON BAKER/NATIONAL ENQUIRER HEADLINES
5) "John Saxon pregnant with Andy Kaufman's love child"
4) "I lost 50 pounds in one day on the Joe Don Baker orange peel diet."
3) Worst dressed in 1975. "The cast of Mitchell"
2) "Joe Don Baker claims Linda Evan's face is not Y2K compatible.
1) Psychic Predictions for 1999! "I predict I will have another beer", says Joe Don Baker
FIVE HIGHLIGHTS FROM JOE DON BAKER'S APPEARANCE ON "THAT 70s SHOW"
5) Falls off platform shoes while doing the hustle.
4) Shoots the annoying exchange student when he tries to shut off "Barney Miller".
3) Gets caught whistling Sweet's "Little Willy" while taking a leak.
2) Porkchop sideburns that really smell like pork!
1) Gets all pissy-eyed and emotional when he sees a 72 LTD.
FIVE POSSIBLE WAYS JOHN SAXON'S "WALTER DEANEY" CHARACTER WAS OFFED IN
MITCHELL
5) Horseplay in the house results in him becoming pinned between the closing cedar lattice panels.
4) Tries to imitate Mitchell's famous "Mt St. Helens" party trick and gets sour cream tub lodged in throat.
3) Kicked to death by the Johnny Mathis fan club.
2) Tried to hide under bed during Mitchell/Linda Evans love scene and is crushed.
1) Bored to death during car chase scene.
FIVE OF JOE DON BAKER'S GOLF TIPS
5) Stay clear of the woods. (Or else your ball might "pull a Saxon" on you)
4) Keep knees together when putting. (doesn't improve putt, but you can hold your beer can there while you are putting)
3) Linda Evans makes a great caddy. (everyone should have an Old Golf Bag)
2) Always keep one eye on the ball. (and one eye on the sammich)
1) Let the big dog eat. (although he doesn't ever apply that to golf, just dinner)
FIVE HIGHLIGHTS FROM JOE DON BAKER'S VISIT TO THE RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL
5) The leather belt maker had no way near enough leather on hand for Joe Don.
4) John Saxon goes into the dunking pond only to never be seen again.
3) Picks up Linda Evans at the wench auction for a mere 2 pence.
2) Merlin Olsen as a wandering minstral. What a treat.
1) Ye Olde Big Yellow Thing
FIVE JOE DON BAKER HOME SECURITY TIPS
5) Play endless loop of "Mitchell" soundtrack album while away
4) Coat window latches with slippery sour cream
3) Linda Evans masks hanging in every window
2) Large sign on front lawn "Now Filming Mitchell 2"
1) Flaming dickie in the house's propane tank that lights when door is forced open
FIVE WAYS TO MISPRONOUNCE "JOE DON BAKER"
5) Ho-down Quaker
4) John Deere Breaker
3) Joe Dump Taker
2) Jim J. Bullock
1) Puffmaster Flash
FIVE HIGHTLIGHTS OF JOE DON BAKER'S VERSION OF *STARSHIP TROOPERS*
5) Flogging scene involves Linda Evans weilding a beer-tab-chain whip
4) Military recruitment films feature Waka-Ju-Waka music
3) Merlin Olsen = Flowers = Troop morale boost!
2) Hourdes of menacing insects defenseless against cedar lattice
1) "Brain Bug" turns out to be filled with Velveeta
THE GENERIC JOE DON BAKER TOP FIVE LIST
5) "Tacos Tacos, I smell Tacos. Tacos over my head"
4) SaxonBerry and Count Donula
3) Baker? I hardly know 'er!!!!
2) It wasn' until some took FLAMING DICKIE literally that the fun stopped.
1) "Dear sirs, I recently racked up a total of 2003 flushes! What a great product. Keep up the good work. Sincerely Joe Don Baker."
FIVE PLANS JOE DON BAKER HAS FOR THE SERIES FINALE OF SEINFELD
5) Fantasize about "Mitchell: The Series" taking over 9pm Thursdays
4) Chugging a Schlitz every time Kramer does a pratfall
3) Chugging a Sour Cream tub every time Elaine says "Get *OUT*!"
2) "It's almost 9:30, where the hell is Saxon?"
1) Keep offering Merlin Olsen a beer, only to grab it away each time yelling "NO SOUP FOR YOU!"
FIVE THINGS JOE DON BAKER WILL DO IF THE DEVILS WIN THE CUP
5) Call up John Saxon at 3 am and play Van Halen's "Running with the Devil".
4) Construct a Stanley Cup replica out of Pork Rinds.
3) Write "Gilmour" in electrical tape on the back of his bathrobe.
2) Pick up Johnny Mathis and head for the Meadowlands.
1) Eat big, drink big, and... HEY! He'll do that if they lose too!!!!
FIVE THINGS JOE DON BAKER FOUND IN HIS YARD AFTER THE SPRING THAW
5) Merlin's "NOT IN *MY* SOUP" compost pile
4) The imprint from Linda Evans's last mud facial
3) An old turkey sandwich that tasted much better than it looked
2) His bathrobe with an ice cold Schlitzkie still in the pocket
1) John Saxon
FIVE REASONS JOE DON WAS TURNED DOWN FOR ROLE OF JACK DAWSON IN "TITANIC"
5) During pre-production rehearsals Kate Winslet kept flinging herself into the sea.
4) Somehow a "six-pack toe-hook" didn't work in the sex scene in the car.
3) Wanted to be referred to as Jack "Cheddar Melt" Dawson.
2) Demanded that John Saxon get the Molly Brown role.
1) Ship kept cracking in half only 30 minutes into the movie.
FIVE WAYS "MITCHELL" WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT HAD IT STARRED CHEECH&CHONG
5) Linda Evans gets busted for snorting Ajax.
4) Hilarious scene where they sneak John Saxon into drive-in in the trunk.
3) Chong meeting Mitchell for the first time: "I wasn't lookin' at his gut."
2) Big yellow thing referred to as "Big Baker's One hitter".
1) Old woman drug dealer actually Cheech in Drag.
FIVE REASONS IRON MAIDEN ABANDONED "EDDIE" AND CHOSE JDB AS THEIR MASCOT
5) The part where the yellow thing is lowered onto stage and Joe Don leaps out all decked out in leather & studs is a showstopper.
4) They know that a re-release of KILLERS with a new cover will sell millions.
3) They want to attract the grunge crowd, and I don't mean the music.
2) It's a lifelong dream of theirs to look into the crowd and see Merlin Olsen.
1) Eddie just isn't scary enough for the 90s.
FIVE INSCRIPTIONS IN JOE DON BAKER'S HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK
5) "Never forget the all night soup chugging parties" -Merlin Olsen
4) "My Dad says you have to pay for the couch" - Andy Kaufmann
3) "CHANCES ARE you will go on to make some very average movies" -Johnny Mathis
2) "I'll probably dissapear after high school for awhile, you?" -John Saxon
1) "Jerk" -Linda Evans
FIVE REASONS WHY JOE DON BAKER REALLY NEEDS A CELL PHONE
5) On late night stake outs can have the "all night potato cake" service deliver right to the car
4) Saxon has one and well, fair is fair.
3) Can make prank phone calls right from the crapper.
2) Can make a neat hook for it in Saxon's cabinet.
1) Can call up to get last minute script changes from the director, and still take place in a riveting car chase scene.
FIVE MOTIVES FOR JOE DON BAKER'S KILLING SPREE IN KALIFORNIA
5) Finds out the cactus in Lewis's purse isn't edible.
4) Thinks the bomb on the hood is full of velveeta.
3) Thought they would be touring the country for Keebler factories.
2) Michelle Forbes referred to Merlin Olsen as "Hunky".
1) His underwear was too snug.
JOE DON BAKER'S FIVE FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS TV SPECIALS
5) Merlin's Christmas Miracle: A Man and his Soup.
4) John Saxon's "Kung Fu Jesus" Variety Special.
3) Battle of the Network Little Drummer Boys (starring Gary Coleman and Adam Rich).
2) Schlitz Presents: Christmas in Milwaukee.
1) O Holy Bathrobe.
FIVE REASONS *MITCHELL* WAS PASSED OVER BY THE OSCAR COMMITEE
5) Upset when they learned Joe Don was *NOT* actually a muppet.
4) The Big Yellow thing got best actor the 2 previous years.
3) Rumor has it that it was actually directed by Shatner.
2) Commitee viewed the directors cut where Joe Don's voice is actually dubbed by Jimmy Walker.
1) IT SUCKED!!!!!!! :^D
FIVE MONIKERS FOR JOE DON BAKER'S THREE-DAY FESTIVAL
5) Tres Rind-os Eat-os
4) The Time of the Great Return of the Saxon
3) Merlin's Soup for 3
2) "Hey Lets All Celebrate Some Cheesy Actor" Days
1) Puffy-fest
FIVE OF JOE DON BAKER'S FAILED BUSINESS VENTURES
5) Schlitz flavo(u)red Toothpaste
4) Midtown Tunnel roadside Hotdog Vendor.
3) International chain of "Just yellow things".
2) Executive producer of "Scabies: The Musical".
1) Actor
FIVE VAGUE RECOLLECTIONS FROM JOE DON BAKER'S WEDDING RECEPTION
5) Randy Bachman and CF Turner pushing their way to the front of the cake line.
4) Andy Kaufman catching the bouquet.
3) Merlin's heartfelt toast with soup the the lovely couple.
2) Joe Don lighting the father of the brides hankie in his back pocket.
1) Saxon runs to the bathroom and is never seen again.
JOE DON BAKER'S FIVE FAVOURITE HALLOWEEN CANDIES
5) M&Ms (Merlin Olsens & Martin Balsams).
4) Steakettes (chocolate covered beef trimmings).
3) Mr. SchlitzBar.
2) Ju Ju Rinds.
1) Saxon Duds.
FIVE OF MERLIN OLSEN'S FAVOURITE FTD FLORAL ARRANGEMENTS
5) The "Sorry about the big-ass canker sore" pick me up bouquet.
4) Mitchell's Pork Rind and Daffodil bucket.
3) ZZ TOP beard trimmings in an old Chinese take out tub (sundays only).
2) The "Your series got cancelled and you do commercials now" bouquet.
1) Guns and Roses.
FIVE IDEAS JOE DON BAKER HAS FOR A NEW VIDEO GAME
5) Flight sim through the crags of Linda Evans' face.
4) A less realistic version of Redneck rampage.
3) Earth vs. Merlin's soup.
2) Saxon: A memory skills game for Children.
1) Six-Pac Man.
FIVE COLOGNES INSPIRED BY JOE DON BAKER
5) JDB-One: Its for a man, its for a woman, its for the Mitchell in us all.
4) Petting Zoo
3) Suds & Rinds
2) "I can't believe its not butter"
1) BTO-dor
FIVE REASONS JOE DON BAKER DOESN'T FLY
5) Sour Cream separates at 30,000 feet
4) Small plane mens rooms too small for adjusting the Roscoe.
3) Just knows Saxon is in the in flight Movie.
2) Those little bags of nuts are like "a slap in the face".
1) Those tiny 747s are too cramped after a big ass Ford LTD.
FIVE FEATURES OF JOE DON BAKER'S PSYCHIC PHONE-IN NETWORK
5) He can guess within 3 how many Pork Rinds are under your couch.
4) Occasionally will shout out "I know that's you Saxon, now CUT IT OUT!"
3) His number is 1-800-CALL-JDB
2) Swears he can contact the ghost of Andy Kaufmann.
1) Sends subliminal messages for people to mail in bottles of Schlitz.
FIVE HIGHLIGHTS OF JOE DON BAKER'S DREAM CAR
5) Air bag fills with Schlitz foam.
4) Horn plays BTO's "Let it Ride".
3) Cruise control frees up feet for six pack ring snagging.
2) On-board computer set to pinpoint pork rind sales.
1) Pressing cigarette lighter dispenses gas soaked hankie.
FIVE HIGHLIGHTS FROM JOE DON BAKER'S VERSION OF "MEN IN BLACK"
5) "Now I'll probably have to buy BTO's greatest hits again".
4) Horrifying scene where newly delivered alien baby is Adam Rich.
3) "Galaxy on Orions belt" is actually a tattered condom in Joe Don's wallet.
2) The MiB work out of a trailer in Milwaukee.
1) "Saxon didn't die. He just went home."
FIVE FEATURES OF JOE DON BAKER'S VERY OWN HOME PAGE
5) Greeted by an animated Pork Rind and the sound of BigBelch.wav
4) All of the Lyrics to My My My My Mitchell... in Spanish!!
3) Free "Mars Attacks" T shirt to every 9th visitor.
2) Downloadable programs, all of which are "Schlitzware".
1) HTML- Hold The Mayo Linda.
FIVE *JEOPARDY* CATEGORIES JOE DON BAKER WOULD EXCELL IN
5) Polyester pants Stain Removal
4) Pork Rinds of The old West
3) History of Sour Cream
2) The many textures of Linda Evans' face
1) Potpourri
FIVE THINGS JOE DON BAKER LOVES ABOUT CAMPING
5) Damp earthy smells remind him of his comfy sheets at home.
4) A lit hanky in a neighbors tent flap, and it goes up FAST!
3) Smokey the bear kisses better than Linda Evans.
2) Merlins soup takes on a mesquite flavor, quite nice.
1) Songs 'round the fire come to life with Saxon on the Jewsharp and Johnny Mathis on the Harmonica.
FIVE WAYS THE WORLD WOULD BE A SADDER PLACE IF THERE WERE NO JDB
5) Merlin would have died years ago from packing away all that extra soup and Oranges.
4) Slow car chases would only be seen on the news (OJ Simpson).
3) Golf games drone on forever with nobody getting shot.
2) Doughy guys have no hero and idol.
1) Poor supply and Demand ratio on pork rinds drives companies to bankruptcy.
FIVE THINGS OVERHEARD AT JOE DON BAKER'S BARBECUE
5) Joe Don- "Charcoal won't light? Screw it, lets eat."
4) Saxon- "...and she's an acrobat!"
3) Merlin- "Please people, put ALL empties in the big yellow container!"
2) Linda Evans- "someone else has to flip burgers, my face can't be exposed to open flames"
1) Balsam- "Have you tried Andy Kaufman's potato salad? Who said the man isn't a genius?"
FIVE HIGHLIGHTS OF JOE DON BAKER'S PRESENTATION OF SHAKESPEARE IN THE PARK
5) Merlin Olsen as Juliet? 2 words: gag reflex.
4) Joe Don stands drooling over the Macbeth witches pot.
3) Romeo has a boom box that plays BTO and reeks of pork rinds.
2) "To Beef, or not to Beef."
1) "Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow... yeah, THAT'S when I'll bathe."
FIVE JOE DON BAKER COMMENTS OVERHEARD AT THE TYSON/HOLYFIELD FIGHT
5) "If I squint real hard that ear looks like a pork rind."
4) "Hey, Don King's head looks like an Angel Food cake!!!"
3) "Whenever they ring that bell I think the fries are up."
2) "That mat is flatter than Linda Evan's Acting."
1) "Hey Saxon, snag me some nachos on your way to drain the weasel."
FIVE JOE DON BAKER SCENES CUT FROM "MARS ATTACKS!"
5) Comment about Linda Evans having a dog's body too.
4) Rag in gastank trick brings down alien ship.
3) The infamous "Roast Dove Sandwich" scene.
2) The line "Dammit Mr. President! I'm Hungry!"
1) Joe Don as Puffy survivalist living in mobile home.. WHOOPS, that one made it past the editors!!! Hee hee
FIVE WAYS 12 MONKEYS WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF JOE DON BAKER STARRED
5) Big yellow thing is actually a time machine.
4) End scene would have had Willis taken down when running across a golf green.
3) "The Army of the 12 Crullers".
2) Madeline Stowe goes around writing JERK in lipstick everywhere.
1) Brad Pitt in sanitarium obsessed with soup and oranges.
FIVE HIGHLIGHTS OF THE JOE DON BAKER ALL-STAR OPEN GOLF CLASSIC
5) Whips shotgun out of golf bag as Andy Kaufman runs over greens towards him.
4) John Saxon rolls golf cart on 9th hole.
3) Sound of Linda Evans face stretching distracts golfers and she must be removed from the greens.
2) Gets mad when Johnny Mathis wins the purse... AND the Goldstar.
1) Gets big laughs from Martin Balsam when Joe Don smacks an orange with his 3 wood for the hell of it.
FIVE SCENERIOS IF JOE DON BAKER STARRED IN "LEAVE IT TO BEAVER"
5) Shoots Hugh Beaumont for being late for dinner too many times.
4) Gets in trouble for taking the Beav over to play with Adam Rich.
3) Joe Don just looks doughier in Black & White.
2) Waka ja waka music pours from Wallys room.
1) Father Murphy cameo just too deep for a 50s sitcom crowd.
FIVE JOE DON BAKER SCENERIOS WITH TOP-LESS WOMEN
5) Wants topless barmaid to set one over his beer glass to "lock in freshness"
4) Linda Evans goes topless. Hey, there's nothing funny about that.
3) Wants to paint a nipple on John Saxons head to see if they can turn heads.
2) Hopes one of Merlin's "PICK ME UP" Bouquet's will give old saggy women a hint.
1) Spys nude breasts in chase scene, runs himself over leaning out to see better.
FIVE EVENTS AT JOE DON BAKER'S BACHELOR PARTY
5) Full contact bombardmant with Merlin's pick me up bouquet.
4) Count the sutures behind Linda Evans's ears.
3) A nice game of "Spin the Saxon".
2) Pork Rind Twister set to a scratchy BTO album.
1) Playing in a makeshift "ball pit" made out of an old dumpster filled with empty Schlitz cans.
FIVE JOE DON BAKER SCENES CUT FROM SANDY FRANK'S "TIME OF THE APES"
5) Godo of green mountain shaves to reveal he is Linda Evans.
4) Breakfast scene where Johnny gets caught sipping a Schlitz.
3) Joe Don does not fit in time freezer, entire scene is scrapped.
2) Love scene with Joe Don picking nits off of Pepe.
1) Joe Don Baker in little pants!!! NO!!!!!!
FIVE JOE DON BAKER LINES FROM THE MOVIE "VOLCANO"
5) "Yeah, but it looks ALOT like Salsa!"
4) (In the sewer) "Whew, smell that? Must be right under my place."
3) "Ah man, 50 choppers and not one dragging a yellow thing."
2) "Holy crow! I thought Merlin's soup was Hot!!!"
1) "We gotta save Linda! Her skin can't take this heat!!!"
FIVE WAYS JOE DON BAKER WOULD IMPROVE THE GAME OF HOCKEY
5) Between period Puck shoots replaced by "Saxon Sliding".
4) Goalie water bottles filled with Schlitz.
3) Puck replaced with a freezer-burned Pork Chop.
2) New team: The Saskatchewan Goldstars.
1) Game played on smooth surface of creamy frozen Sour Cream.
FIVE REASONS WHY JOE DON BAKER WOULD MAKE A GREAT "BATMAN"
5) Waka-ju-waka music pours from Batmobile windows.
4) He works even cheaper than George Clooney.
3) Keeps wondering how the Penguin would taste deep fried.
2) Who would look for the bat cave in a Trailer Park?
1) He's got enough pull to get John Saxon in as the new Robin.
FIVE SUMMERTIME ACTIVITIES JOE DON BAKER'S LOOKING FORWARD TO
5) Nude slip-&-slide with old woman from trunk/coke scene.
4) Filling the neighborhood with the aroma of "Saxon Burgers". They dissapear FAST!
3) Yellow thing is GREAT! The lawn really needs rolling this year.
2) Lawn Darts with Merlin Olsen.
1) Starting a backyard carnival to raise money for a new Windshield.
FIVE HIGHLIGHTS OF JOE DON BAKER'S APPEARANCE ON 'THE BRADY BUNCH'
5) Beery sex scene with Jan gets weird when she loses her glasses.
4) Crashes onto and breaks Mom's fave vase when sliding down stair handrail.
3) John Saxon as Sam the Butcher.
2) Joe Don busts Greg for tokin weed in his attic bachelor pad.
1) New theme by Hoyt Axton.
FIVE WAYS *FORREST GUMP* WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT HAD IT STARRED JDB
5) Beer cans flying off young Forrest as he runs from Bullies.
4) Shrimp Boat crew? Merlin & Martin of course.
3) Bubba killed in 'nam by Andy Kaufman.
2) John Saxon in drag as Forrest's mother.
1) "life is like a case of Schlitzkies, you never know how many I'll drink"
FIVE JOE DON BAKER COMMENTS OVERHEARD AT THE OSCARS
5) "That Billy Crystal is funny, but he's no John Saxon"
4) "The English Patient is a ripoff of my JOYSTICKS role!"
3) "Hey Speilberg, pass these pork rinds down to Brando, he looks bored"
2) "I carried the last Bond flick and BROSNAN gets the front row!!"
1) "I wish they'd break into a musical number, I gotta wizz"
FIVE FAILED JOE DON BAKER RESTAURANTS
5) Sir Ham-a-lot's Pork Palace
4) The Cholesterol Garden
3) Greasy sack lunches for a buck
2) "What the Heck's that on my Plate?"
1) Saxon Hut
THE GENERIC JOE DON BAKER TOP FIVE LIST
5) Joe Don Baker joins as lead vocalist for the new Menudo.
4) "Pork Rinds in Bed: The Linda Evans Story"
3) Press Alt-Ctrl-Schlitz to continue.
2) Puffyguy@Saxon.missing.com
1) Why is the newest Mighty Morphin Power Ranger chunky and holding a beer can?
FIVE HIGHLIGHTS OF JOE DON BAKER'S APPEARENCE ON "KING OF THE HILL"
5) JDB congratulates young Bobby on acheiving the perfect body shape.
4) Hank and Joe Don waste a day with the "Lets Cook Steak" home game.
3) Boomhauer laughs at all his Saxon jokes.
2) Day of Joe Don autographing paper plates at the Rib Cafeteria.
1) Joe Don gets loaded and does donuts with tractor on the lawn.
FIVE REASONS JOE DON BAKER WASN'T TRADED FOR DOUG GILMOUR
5) Stanley tradition of "carry the Captain in the Cup" does not work with JDB.
4) JDB refused to go to a team not named after something edible.
3) Was afraid he'd be referred to as Bakerchuk.
2) He had already checked Toronto for Saxon-sightings last year.
1) Wanted contract clause about referring to him by his Inuit name: "He who
sleeps with woman with a face like a drum head".
FIVE HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE MITCHELL INTERACTIVE CD-ROM
5) 3D rotating Saxon has Quake producers green with envy.
4) Realistic sounds of Evans and Baker slapping against moist sheets.
3) Makes your expensive SVGA monitor look like a Goldstar.
2) Click on the "Car Chase" icon to PAUSE the game.
1) The "Mitchell climbing over Saxon's gate" Screen Saver.
FIVE WAYS JDB WOULD HAVE IMPROVED "FORREST GUMP"
5) Box of chocolates dumped and refilled with Jello shots.
4) Gump's son played by Adam Rich.
3) Goes around Vietnam doing the old "snot rag candle" trick with enemy tanks
2) Shrimp boat idea just a scheme to gun down Merlin Olsen & Martin Balsam.
1) Two Words: "RUN MITCHELL!!!!!!!"
FIVE HOUSEKEEPING TIPS FROM THE PAGES OF "MITCHELL'S APARTMENT" MAGAZINE:
5) Walking barefoot helps to pick up stray pork rind crumbs.
4) Trick kids into cleaning, tell them they are playing "Where's Saxon".
3) Keep hors douvres warm for guests under couch cushions.
2) Thats not a throw rug! Its Linda!!!
1) Drink and creatively pile enough Schlitz cans, no need for furniture!!!
FIVE HIGHLIGHTS OF "STAR WARS - SPECIAL JOE DON BAKER EDITION"
5) What's that on the table behind Jabba? BABY OIL!!!!
4) The "Squeezing" garbage pit looks alot like Mitchell's apartment.
3) Millenium Falcon now called "Saxon's Folly".
2) Linda Evans- Wookie bait!
1) A witty Mitchell confronts Vader with a theory about the height of cabinets compared to intruders and the random loading of blasters. Sadly, Johnny Mathis's death goes unavenged.
FIVE DIFFERENCES IF GROUNDHOG DAY WERE REPLACED WITH JOE DON BAKER DAY
5) Joe Don's shadow easier to see from rear of the crowd.
4) Punxatawney PA festivities much more exciting with JDB and Merlin Olsen slugging it out over whether there is more soup or not.
3) Linda Evans kinda looks like a groundhog.
2) Crowd on edge wondering if Johnny Mathis will show up.
1) 6 more weeks of winter? Who cares. Snag me another Schlitzkie will ya?
JOE DON BAKER'S FIVE HIGHLIGHTS IN "DUKES OF HAZZARD" TV REUNION
5) New Daisy Duke played by Merlin Olsen in a tube top.
4) "General Lee"s explosion-Proof gastank foil Mitchell's plans.
3) Saxon sightings cause panic at Boss Hog's roadhouse.
2) Roscoe delelops mysterious sour cream cravings.
1) Instead of "Dixie", General Lee's horn plays BTO's "Let it Ride"
FIVE NEAT THINGS THAT WOULD HAPPEN IF MITCHELL APPEARED ON "THE LOVE BOAT"
5) Issac the bartender gets tired of drunken slurred jokes about his afro, tosses Mitchell off ship.
4) Old women complain to Captain about "Mrs. Howell" jokes.
3) Shoot out with Merlin Olsen on the Lido deck.
2) Mitchell gets head stuck in porthole. Must turn ship around for special tools.
1) Mitchell caught putting handkerchief in fuel port.
FIVE WAYS ID4 WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF JOE DON BAKER HAD THE LEAD ROLE
5) President: Joe Don Killed when he misses Helicopter going back in White House for Schlitzkies.
4) Will Smith: Instead of punching alien in the head, Joe Don and him sit around the desert listening to BTO.
3) Jeff Goldblum: Discovers virus accidently by spilling sour cream on a computer.
2) Randy Quaid: Pretty much the same character.
1) Head Alien: Makes Wil Smith pilot ship through an unpassable gauntlet of yellow things.
FIVE WAYS THE MOB WOULD BE FUNNIER IF JOE DON BAKER WERE "DON" JOE DON
5) Rival families rubbed out by drive-by sour cream throwing.
4) Godfather theme replaced by BTO's "Let it Ride".
3) Linda Evans is a scream in any genre.
2) Would change name to Bakerossi, just to fit image.
1) When he gives the order to "make Saxon dissapear", not even the movie's continuity man will question it.
TOP FIVE OBSTACLES IN JOE DON BAKER'S QUEST FOR GLOBAL DOMINATION
5) His weight and overall slothfullness
4) Still can't figure out where the hell "Des Moines" is
3) Only gets out of town as far as the Taco Bell
2) Wets his pants when he ponders too hard
1) Plans on being up at 5, oversleeps till 9, says piss on it, starts over the next day
FIVE MOVIES JOE DON BAKER WOULD DO IF HE WAS A PORN STAR
5) "Let me tell ya 'bout Pork Rinds"
4) "Romancing the Ham Bone"
3) "Debbie does Saxon"
2) "Behind the Yellow Thing"
1) "Chubkin 2000 - in 3D"
JOE DON BAKER'S FIVE FAVOURITE HANGOVER REMEDIES
5) Schlitz and Baby oil Stir Fry for breakfast
4) Tap head lightly against big yellow thing a few times
3) Have a big bowl of Merlin's Orange Peel Soup
2) Slam head in the Goldstar cabinet at Saxon's house
1) Listening to Yanni Album replaces pain with a dull ache
FIVE JOE DON BAKER BOXING DAY SALE THEMES
5) All the mushy things you can cram in a sack for $1.00.
4) Last years undershorts "Trade up" sale.
3) Find Saxon in the store, get 10% off!
2) Merlin Olsen will gift wrap your items for NEXT year.
1) Donate a can of Schlitz for charity- "Schlitz for Mitch", is always a good drawing card.
FIVE FEATURES OF THE HOT NEW TOY: THE MITCHELL ACTION FIGURE!
5) Detachable Saxon.
4) Wherever you drop it it is always there.
3) Comes with patented "sour cream grip".
2) Add water, makes it own sauce.
1) Turns beat red when held near Adam Rich.
FIVE REASONS WHY JOE DON BAKER WOULD BE GREAT ON "3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN"
5) Would love to hear the line "Can I shave those legs someday for ya Sally?"
4) Busts Harry for playing Johnny Mathis Albums.
3) Big Yellow thing revealed as Space Vessel!!!
2) John Lithgow and Pork Rinds. In a word: HILARIOUS!
1) A guy who looks like a middle aged Chucky would boost *any* show!
FIVE CHANGES TO "A CHRISTMAS CAROL" IF JOE DON BAKER WERE SCROOGE
5) Tiny Tim comes up on skateboard and pesters Scrooge.
4) Saxon of Christmas past dissapears, stranding him in 1961.
3) Merlin of Christmas Present wakes up Scrooge with hot soup in lap.
2) Mathis of Christmas Future shows Scrooge the future on cheap goldstar.
1) Upon hearing from boy in streets below that he has NOT missed Christmas day, he tosses the lad a pence or two and asks him if he would run to the market, run as FAST as he can, and fetch him a six of Schlitzlies and a package of chicken hot dogs.
FIVE FEATURES OF "JOE DON BAKER'S BITCHIN' NEW YEARS EVE"
5) Times Square "Ball" replaced with the big yellow thing.
4) John Saxon does countdown only to disappear around 4.
3) JDB and Dick Clark get tanked up and bitch-slap each other at midnight.
2) Special Musical Guest Hoyt Axton performs a KISS tribute.
1) Linda Evans without makeup appears as Father Time.
FIVE CHANGES JOE DON BAKER WOULD MAKE TO SOME FAMOUS MONTY PYTHON SKITS
5) JDB and Adam Rich in "The Argument Clinic" outside Martin Balsam's house.
4) "Cheese Shop" even funnier with Joe Don's stomach growling.
3) "Tudor Porn Merchants" sketch: I would make no changes.
2) Horse buckles under new and Chubbier "Dennis Moore".
1) Holy Grail change: The Trojan Saxon.
FIVE REASONS WHY "SPACE JAM" WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF JDB REPLACED MICHAEL JORDAN
5) People would wonder who the fat guy next to Wayne Knight was.
4) Glass-backboard shattering dunks even cooler when followed by a moist thud.
3) I'd LOVE to hear Bugs bunny's accent on "Joe Don Baykah"
2) Big pig out scene with Tazmanian Devil would be great!
1) Would give new meaning to terms like "dunk" and "Jam"
FIVE THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE "MITCHELL" OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
5) "This party sucks. OK, you get Saxon tanked up and I'll go find Mathis."
4) "Why did you bring 30 gallons of sour cream? Oh, HE'S here."
3) "If you bounce a quarter off Linda Evans's face into a shot glass you win!"
2) "Its a cold day for Pontooning."
1) "Oh GREAT, Mitchell wore his Mistletoe hat again this year!!!!"
FIVE REASONS WHY *YOU* WOULD LIKE JDB TO WORK FOR THE DMV
5) Knock over Merlin with big yellow, get a free trailer registration.
4) Eye Test would Spell out things like Mathis & Saxon.
3) Can pay for license in Pork Rinds.
2) He is better looking than most of the women that work there.
1) The term "JDMV" has a ring to it, eh?
JOE DON BAKER'S FIVE FAVOURITE THINGS ABOUT GOING TO THE HOSPITAL
5) 3 meals a day, plus all the saline you can suck down.
4) Groin Shaves by Merlin Olsen.
3) Hospital TVs are all Goldstars.
2) About 2 am, when all is quiet, a blood pressure cuff makes a great love slave.
1) Going to the Plastic Surgery Ward for a leisurly stroll down the "Linda Evans Hall of Evolution".
JOE DON BAKER'S FIVE TENETS FOR SPIRITUAL PEACE
5) Eat now, worry later.
4) May your future be large, yellow and swinging in a deadly manner.
3) Never pass up free soup and oranges.
2) Make all narc busts AFTER stinky sex.
1) Screw all that spiritual hooey, snag me a Schlitzkie.
FIVE REASONS WHY JOE DON BAKER SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON "HAPPY DAYS"
5) Would have been cool to watch Fonzie jump him with his motorcycle.
4) Dinner scenes with the Cunninghams would have been a whole different experience.
3) Three Words: Saxon Cameo Appearances.
2) He's no Anson Williams, but what a crooner.
1) Not really sure what MALPH means, but it *kinda* fits Joe Don.
FIVE KARATE TECHNIQUES JOE DON BAKER WOULD USE (WITH JOHN SAXON AS HIS MENTOR)
5) The Midsection Mush
4) The Flying Sweet Roll of Death
3) Schlitz-kun-do (ancient art of Chinese beertab popping)
2) Jujitsu (with saute'ed vegetables and water chestnuts)
1) The Plop.
ALIENS' FIVE CONCLUSIONS ABOUT THE HUMAN RACE IF JOE DON BAKER WAS THEIR SUBJECT
5) They all sleep long hours in parked vehicles.
4) Are all easily riled by Alien brats on photon-Hover Boards.
3) They have no sense of humor about soup or lack thereof.
2) Must all have additions on homes to store extra big yellow things.
1) Goldstar: Light years ahead of Alien technology.
TOP FIVE THEMES FOR A JOE DON BAKER TICKER-TAPE PARADE IN NEW YORK
5) Super-cala-fragalistic-sour-cream-a-whama!!!!
4) The Fat, Drunk Eagle has landed.
3) A week long celebration of Pork Products.
2) Unveiling of the new 80Ft Johnny Mathis balloon.
1) Loser actors on parade.
JOE DON BAKER'S FIVE FAVOURITE THINGS ABOUT THE WORLD SERIES
5) Knows little known secret that bats are actually corked with Sour crean.
4) Loved it when Johnny Mathis was taken out with a wild pitch.
3) "Saxon-Dogs" only 6 for a dollar at Yankee Stadium.
2) Thought that Darryl Strawberry was a new dessert food.
1) Likes to lay back and fill navel with Nacho cheese for pretzel dipping.
TOP FIVE MONSTERS APPEARING IN DUNGEON MASTER JOE DON BAKER'S DUNGEONS
5) Saxonicus, The Goblin King
4) Sour Cream Slime Devil
3) Demon-possesed Pork Rinds from the 666th ring of Hades
2) Zombie Mathis
1) Mystical Merlin - Loser Actor with a Poor Attitude
TOP FIVE CAMPAIGN PROMISES OF THE JOE DON BAKER PRESIDENTIAL COMMITTEE
5) More Waka-ju-waka music. Less talk.
4) "I'll get Cummings *AND* Gilano!"
3) A chicken in every pot. A car in every garage. A yellow thing on every rope.
2) Annual square dance and Hog roast in the pentagon courtyard.
1) Will make Johnny Mathis's birthday a national holiday.
TOP FIVE ALTERNATE USES FOR THE BIG YELLOW THING IN "MITCHELL"
5) Roll it across golf course instead of shooting guy.
4) Fill with sour cream for long stakeouts.
3) Put Adam Rich in it and roll it off a cliff.
2) It would look COOL on top of Saxon's gun cabinet.
1) Joe Don could play the spoons on it in the "Axton/Saxon Rhythm Machine".
ADAM RICH'S FIVE FAVOURITE THINGS ABOUT JOE DON BAKER
5) Kinda stoopid, easy to sneak up on with skateboard
4) Loves Mitchell's policy about using his show title when ordering tacos
3) The fact that he looks like a middle aged Chucky
2) Labored breathing makes him easy to find in hide & seek
1) Smells like rich creamery butter
TOP FIVE THINGS JOE DON BAKER LOVES ABOUT CANADIAN THANKSGIVING
5) Double and Add 30 formula pays off BIG on Turkey to Gravy ratio.
4) Loves the Canadian tradition of Pork Rinds as after dinner mints.
3) Doesn't have to wear those queer-ass Pilgrim costumes.
2) Splurges and gets TWO oranges on holidays.
1) He will have leftovers until American Thanksgiving rolls along!
TOP FIVE THINGS KIDS CAN EXPECT WHILE TRICK-OR-TREATING IN JOE DON BAKER'S
NEIGHBOURHOOD
5) Puffy guy answering door in holey bathrobe and cheetos in hair.
4) Sour Cream on a stick!
3) Ring the doorbell and then DUCK for the big yellow thing!
2) HEADLINE! "Child in Johnny Mathis mask shot by Balding "B" actor!"
1) "Come back later kids, Linda's gonna give me an oil rub."
TOP FIVE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MITCHELL AND DIRTY HARRY
5) Dirty Harry won't "give up" a chase that happens to go past an all night Sour Cream bar.
4) "Dirty" Harry is just an expression.
3) Nobody ever described Dirty Harry as "puffy".
2) Dirty Harry never followed up a mega sucessfull trio of box office blockbusters with "Joysticks".
1) Didn't Dirty Harry actually GET John Saxon once?
JOE DON BAKER'S TOP FIVE COMMERCIAL SLOGANS FOR "SLIM FAST"
5) Top with sour cream for a choco-mitchell-itious good time!
4) I know Tommy Lasorda drinks it, but he's a dink.
3) Great on long stakeouts with no apparant reason.
2) BELCH!!!!
1) Sometimes I just eat it dry. Sometimes with Schlitz. I say "Variety!"
TOP FIVE NAMES FOR JOE DON BAKER'S PERSONALLY BREWED BEER
5) "Big Clogger Lager"
4) "Baker's Dozen" - 12 cans in a SIX pack
3) "Small mouth Bass Stout"
2) "Sour Creme Ale"
1) "Linda don't leave me, didn't you feel anything?!?!? What? Oh the beer? Damn, I dunna what to call it. Just type something and slap it on the label" Beer
TOP FIVE THINGS OVERHEARD AT LINDA EVANS & YANNI'S WEDDING RECEPTION
5) Who's the puffy guy with his head in the buffet guacamole?
4) I keep hearing cans opening? Did you invite Baker?
3) Linda honey, I think one of the tension bolts behind your ears is loose!
2) Such beautiful hair! And Linda looks nice too.
1) Their love was built on cedar lattice.
FIVE EXCERPTS FROM JOHN SAXON'S MITCHELL MEMOIRS
5) "..... getting sick of the way Baker likes to pop into dressing room unexpectedly wearing nothing but a flattened Schlitz can...."
4) "..... starting to wonder if this is worth the 10 bucks...."
3) "...... Damn that Evens is a piece. What's she see in soggy boy?.."
2) ".... Baker wouldn't get out of bed today so they asked me to fill in for him in the "undercover" scenes. Didn't know they were talking about Love scenes. Not easy flopping around with Evans under the sheets with 8 pillows taped to me...."
1) "...... shot Johnny Mathis today. Gotta remember to call Mom and tell her..."
LINDA EVANS TOP FIVE FAILED EXCUSES TO GET OUT OF MITCHELL'S BEERY SEX SCENE
5) I'm actually a man.
4) I've got a huge cyst with hair and teeth on my back.
3) Yeah but Yanni doesn't have 6 pairs of love handles!
2) My doctor says to avoid greasy things.
1) Keep your lousy 10 bucks, I'm outta here!
JOE DON BAKER'S TOP EXCUSES FOR DRIVING WHILE IMPAIRED
5) Caught a buzz off his fine washables when he opened his underwear drawer.
4) Didn't know Merlin's Beefaroni casserole was spiked.
3) Celebrating because MITCHELL: The Musical was starting on broadway.
2) Thought DWI was ok if speed maintained was SLOWER than MITCHELL chase scene.
1) All liquored up for big date with Adam Rich.
TOP 5 REASONS JOE DON BAKER WAS JEALOUS OF JOHN SAXON DURING FILMING OF MITCHELL:
5) Saxon has automatic gate while Joe Don uses a "borrowed" police barricade.
4) Saxon has cedar lattice while Joe Don has an underwear clothesline strung across hall.
3) Saxon picks up sleazy hookers, while Joe Don picks up sleazy hoo.. oh forget it.
2) Saxon gets to shoot Johnny Mathis, while Joe Don must settle for Andy Kaufman.
1) Saxon didn't have to sleep with Linda Evans.
TOP 5 THINGS ABOUT MITCHELL THAT MAKE PEOPLE NERVOUS:
5) Always playing with underwear and a lighter
4) Never cleans dorky writing of windsheild, can hardly see out
3) Got a dog and named it "Mom"
2) Constantly trying to get grade schools to turn movie into play
1) Always tells people he is Kenny G's brother
TOP TEN THINGS JDB DOES FOR FUN BETWEEN BIT PARTS IN BOND MOVIES:
10) Cruises High Schools bragging about how he can beat up Andy Kaufman
9) Re-arranges underwear drawer (REAL easy with only 1 pair)
8) Times himself on Orange Peeling with a stopwatch
7) Rents Pauly Shore movies and rolls around laughing till he pees
6) Slowly finishing up MITCHELL: The Graphic Novel
5) Stalks Linda Evans's mother
4) Gets out old MITCHELL wardrobe to see if the crotches have gotten any tighter
3) parks outside Golf Courses waiting to shoot anyone who looks at him funny
2) Goes to McDonalds and gets enough big macs to fill an LTD
1) Two words: Step Aerobics
TOP TEN REASONS JOE DON BAKER WOULD MAKE A LOUSY JAMES BOND:
10) Confederate flag in rear window of Aston-Martin looks foolish.
9) Keeps busting Q for smoking grass.
8) Captures Richard "JAWS" Keil, keeps him as personal beer bottle opener.
7) Can't say "Octopussy" without cracking up.
6) "Shaken, not stirred" sounds better than "in a 5 gallon pail".
5) Mistakes Adam Rich for Blofeld and runs down with beat up LTD.
4) Even Timothy Dalton wouldn't sleep with Linda Evans.
3) Moneypenny refers to him as "greasy boy".
2) Scene with JDB on "the can" with a bucket of fried chicken might have actually improved MOONRAKER.
1) Polyester Suits too noisy on stealth operations.
TOP TEN SCENES EDITED OUT OF THE FINAL CUT OF MITCHELL:
10) Saxon pulls off mask to reveal he is actually Toni Tennile.
9) Mitchells beery love tumble in back seat of buick with old woman.
8) Mitchell stuffs underwear in back pocket. Lights it.
7) Merlin gives Mitchell super swirlie in soup bowl.
6) Linda Evans and Mitchell sex scene in scum ringed bathtub.
5) 10 mintues of Mitchell "adjusting the Roscoe" in the mirror.
4) Scene of Johnny Mathis shooting was originally a 15 minute intricately choreographed dance number complete with cabaret and chinese new year dragon.
3) Car chase scene originally featured gun-toting nuns on mopeds.
2) Helicopter scene featured Mitchell hanging from hair.
1) Death star destroyed, yet Vader escapes.
TOP TEN REASONS "MITCHELL II" WAS NEVER MADE:
10) Skyrocketing price of sour cream after original was released
9) Couldn't afford to blow up another Buick
8) Schlitz beer furious after seeing product in first film
7) Linda Evans insisted that Saxon be played by Yanni
6) The thought of doing another SLO-MO title sequence made director queasy
5) They knew it would never do as well as MEATBALLS 5
4) Hoyt Axton suicide attempt
3) Someone opened Saxons x-mas presents, sending prop budget through roof
2) Animal rights activists still upset about the shooting of Johnny Mathis
1) They have yet to locate Saxon
TOP TEN JOE DON BAKER PICK-UP LINES:
10) Is cash ok?
9) I once romped in sweaty sheets with Linda Evans.
8) You're prettier than John Saxon.
7) I'm not wearing a colostomy bag, thats all me down there.
6) Can I show you my scar from where Andy Kaufman tried to kill me.
5) Paper or Plastic?
4) If you are not into beer-y sex we can just eat alot.
3) I'm wearing corrective underpants.
2) I was in just as many Bond movies as that dweeb Dalton.
1) Those rumors about me and Merlin are all lies!
Get your own Free Home Page