Leo: I hate you, you poo-poo head.

Kate: Shut up you filthy bastard.

Jimmy: I'm cool.

Me: Enough of the formalities, let's get straight down to business. First question goes to Leo. Mr. DiCrapio, what was your favorite part of being in Titanic?

Leo: Um, it's DiCaprio.

Me: What?

Leo: My last name, it's DiCaprio, not DiCrapio.

Me: Actually you're wrong, it is DiCrapio.

Leo: Oh, sorry.

Me: Anyway, what was your favorite part of working on last years blockbuster hit "Titanic"?

Leo: Poop is just messages from the devil.

Me:(short pause) Um, what?

Leo: Dung. Poop. It's Satan's way of communicating with humans. You only poop if you have sinned. I can prove, using rational scientific deductive thought that poop is an acknowledgment of sin devised by the devil.

Me: Oh?

Leo: One time I kicked a handicapped person into the mud, later that day, I pooped. But me, I'm sin free, and thus I haven't pooped in years.

Me: I see, and, um, how did you manage that?

Leo: I sewed my bu . . .

Me: (interrupting) Next question goes to Jimmy Cameron. James, which actor did you most enjoy working with on Titanic?

Jimmy: I am the coolest.

Me: Jimmy, which actor did you most enjoy working with?

Jimmy: I'm beautiful, too. I find myself very attractive. In fact, I got a tattoo. Its of me. Here, let me show it to you.

(At this point James Cameron prepared to remove his pants. To everone's relief, it appeared that some kindhearted citizen had permanently stapled his pants to his flesh, making them impossible to remove.)

Me: Third question, Kate. Why the hell did you agree to do love scenes with that? (here I point to Leonardo DiCrapio who was currently picking bugs off of Jimmy Cameron and eating them.)

Kate: Actually, that was James dressed in womens clothing wearing a mask and wig so he looked like me.

Me: Oh. Okay. Last question. It is widely accepted* that the song "My Heart Will Go On" is one of the worst songs ever made, and having seen Titanic I can say that it was really dumb, as are you three. Are there any parting comments you would like to make to all the readers out there in netland?

Leo: (cowering in the corner chewing on his arm) You and the Cap'n make it happen.

Kate: "Titanic" is the greatest work of entertainment ever . . . excluding "Full House".

Jimmy: Look what I can do! (he is balancing on one foot, barely.)

Me: Well, Leo, I think I can safely say that you are one of the biggest idiots I have ever met. I hope you develop a vitamin deficiency, catch Rickets, and have your rotting, maggot infested limbs gnawed off by rats.

Leo: (is too busy making out with his chair to notice that anything has been said.)

Jimmy: Everyone look the other way so I can pick my nose.

Kate: I want to be just like Bob Saget, do any of you know a good plastic surgeon.

Me: James, I'd show you to the door but you'd probably just come back, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to put you in a small box and mail you to Iraq where they'll test their biological and chemical weapons on you.

Jimmy: I really like carrots.

Me: Kate, you're not quite as bad as the other two, but I still hope you get caught in a meat grinder and end up being served in a hamburger to Billy Zane in a Burger King in Toledo.

Kate: Mmm, hamburgers.

Me: Please leave, everyone, or I will slice open your abdomen, throw you out yon window and feed your guts to Siskel and Ebert.

Leo: The Teletubies make me horny.

(at this point I leave and let the three starve to death in my living room hoping that someday their bodies will be sufficiently decayed that I can vacuum them up and sell the bag of dirt as fertilizer)

*Among people with functioning nervous systems

I can assure you that all of the dialogue is accurately printed above. Have a nice day.