A Disaster of a Movie

The guy was in a little sub looking for the Titanic. He found it and was really happy. He found a picture of Kate Winslet (a stupid late 1990s actress, which is an odd thing to find a picture of on a ship that sunk ninety years ago, when Kate Winslet was, what, -70 years old), lying naked on a couch with a big necklace, signed by some Dawson guy. This was exciting, the guy on the submarine wet his pants. Leonardo DiCrapio (hereafter referred to as "the Dork") became jealous because the director never let him "go weewee" in his "pants."

After getting the Dork out of the studio, and filming the rest of the scene, there was a sudden unexpected cut to England about 1919. Many of the people in the audience were confused so someone sitting next to them, who had seen the movie nine billion times (Kate), carefully explained that it was the main part of the movie.

The Dork ran accross the screen and won two tickets to some stupid boat from two Swedish morons in a poker game. He was greatly joy filled. He ran off and got on the ship, which, due to the miracle of modern film editing, was just about to leave. (It would have been an even MORE boring movie if he had just stood around on the docks picking his nose for three and a half hours. Which is what the little kid next to you in the theater is invariably doing. (Picking his nose, not standing on some docks in the year 1919.)) But anyway, back to the movie (Which, I hear, was what James Cameron kept saying as he added "Plot twist" after "gut wrenching plot twist."

Kate Winslet was about to get on the boat when the Dork jumped on in front of her, she jump kicked him in the back of the head, killing what few brain cells he had left after his previous cinematic flops, and he fell in the water and was run over by the heaviest ship of all time. Unfortunately, the Dork got stuck in the propellors and was dragged along with the ship for the first half of the movie, during which nothing happened anyway.

After a while he broke free and quickly made some drawings and claimed that he had done them a long time ago, in France. He then showed them off to Kate Winslet so she got naked lay on a couch and got drawn.

A while later the bad guys got their scripts and their ques and finally showed up, and kicked the Dork in the head again, adding to the already large dent in it. Kate Winslet said some stupid stuff, and she and the Dork went and had sex in a car. When they were done Kate Winslet made some comment about the Dork's hair being attacked by a weed whacker (which is interesting because weed whakers were invented by Orville P. Schnouzer in 1976 in a small shack in the valleys just outside downtown Iowa.)

By now the rest of the characters had been given their scripts, so they could stop the obnoxious, dreary, padantic, drawn out, pathetic attempt at improv. However they didn't need them because the miracles of "Special Effects" created an enourmous ice berg that the ship crashed into. (Interesting Movie Fact: This effect was achieved by filling a shoe with water and putting one of the Dorks MicroMachines boats into it with some ice cubes that had been inconspicuously taken out of the ice pack that had been stapeled to to the Dorks head (Another Interesting Movie Fact: They accidentally stapled it to the Dorks face (Yet Another Interesting Movie Fact: Most people considered the ice pack a vast improvement over Leonardo DiCrapios face))) Then they hired a guy named Igor off the streets to come in and crash the ship into the ice cube (Guess What One More Interesting Movie Fact: If you look closely you can see his hands in the water moving the ship). When they finished, the Dork drank the water out of the shoe and choked to death on one of the ice cubes. They had to use a stunt double for the rest of the flick.

By now it was all over but the screaming (for both the actors (who had to fall to their icy deaths) and the audience (who were so bored by this point they had begun to gnaw on each others legs).).

Everyone cheered when the Dorks stunt double turned into a human popsicle, drifted down into the icy kiddie pool, and was eaten by "Fluffy" the producers pet shark.

At this point the Dork came back and announced that he wasn't dead after all, so the audience started a collection and bought a gun and shot him. There was much cheering, and rejoicing all through the ranks!

Now at this point in time, filming was almost over, and the last shots of the kiddie pool were almost complete. The Dorks stunt double was still almost dead, when, praise the lord, Leonardio DiCrapio came back to life and dove in to save his very own personal stunt double (which of course was his transvestite lover in real life), but again praise the lord, "Fluffy" ate him, and there was a lot more rejoicing!!!

By this point in time, Celine Deion started to sing and, praise the lord, everyone had left so they could spare their ear-drums. Unfortunatly for the crew on the set they couldn't. So they took up their own collection and bought a bigger gun and shot her. After that they fed her to "Fluffy," who was taking a liking to human meat, and there was rejoicing of the likes this town ain't never seen.

So as the director was taking "Fluffy" on her walk, "Fluffy" took notice of Kate Winslet and ate her to! And "Fluffy" was full!

The End

Writers:
Pat Jackson
Jacob Schultz
&
"Fluffy"

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