Computer:
The box that does your work for you. That's all you need to know.
Response Time:
Usually measured in nanoseconds; sometimes measured in calendar months.
The general rule is: Shut up your complaining about response time.
Hardware:
See "Computer." Again, not your concern.
Software:
If we want you to know, we'll tell you about it, otherwise, leave us
alone.
Network:
Don't worry about it, we'll take care of it. Use it to send email among
your half wit selves, and don't think we won't read it all. What do you
think we do all day? By the way, Butterman... shame about your mother's
Pancreas.
Data:
The general rule is: Don't use any data files and if you find any,
delete them before I find out about them. In fact, just stay off the
computer. (See "Response Time")
System Crash:
Don't ever call the system manager to tell him you think the computer is
down. Don't call him to ask when it will be back up again. The more
you bother him, the longer it takes.
Downtime:
Like I said, don't ask.
Uptime:
Be thankful for it, use it wisely, and get out of my face.
Overtime:
Don't be ridiculous.
Vacation:
A time during which I don't have to put up with your snivelling. Don't
try calling. There's no point.
Computer Room:
Keep out, you're not invited. Don't knock on the door -- don't even
think about it. I broke the phone last time one of you jerks called me,
and I'm not about to replace it. And keep your greasy fingers off the
windows.
My Office:
The name says it all... it's mine; stay out.
Your Problems:
The name says it all...
Deadlines:
The general rule is: Deadlines are not acknowledged by me; they're not
my responsibility. Go tell someone who cares.
Maintenance:
a) A valid reason for shutting down the system at any time.
b) Much more important than anything any of you bozos do.
c) Anything I choose to call "maintenance" is maintenance.
Software Upgrades:
Far too complex for you to comprehend. If I tell you I'm upgrading the
system, just be quietly thankful. It's for your own good, even if it
does mean extensive downtime during peak hours.
EMail:
I delete it before it's read, so don't bother sending any to me.
Defaults:
We like them just like they are; we chose them for a reason. Don't mess
with them; consider them mandatory.
Error Messages:
I'm not interested. I'm going to kill your process anyway, so keep them
to yourself.
Killing your Process:
a) Don't ever ask why
b) Beyond your control
c) No warnings are given
d) The highlight of my day
e) If you call, it's going to happen. No exceptions.
Passwords:
I reserve the right to change them without notice at any time. I choose
them, and the more you bother me, the more degrading yours will be.
(Example: BUTTERMAN = SNOTFACE)
Users:
a) They slow down the computer
b) They waste my time
c) A general nuisance
d) Worse than that, actually
Software Modifications:
You don't know what you want -- we'll tell you what you want. It stays
like it is. Period.
Privileges:
I've got them, you don't need them. Enough said.
Priority:
Mine is higher than yours, accept it. That's the reason my games run
faster than your lousy accounting package. (See "Response Time")
Terminals:
Before calling me with a terminal problem, consider this:
a) Are you prepared to do without one for weeks?
b) Do you REALLY want your process killed?
c) Did you just trip over the cord again?
d) Of course you did.
Disk Space:
I set the quotas, you live with them. If you need more space, check
"Data Files".
Computer Operator:
I hired him and trained him. He does what I tell him to. Usually
armed; always dangerous.
Backups:
A good idea if I give a damn, which of course I don't.
Lunch: The only time that calling my office won't result in the killing
of your process.
Data Security:
That's your problem. I'm certainly not going to lose any sleep over
it. My files are locked up tight. I feel secure.
Jiffy:
Length of time it takes me to resolve your problem by killing your
process.
Eternity:
Length of time it takes me to give a damn about any problem that can't
be resolved by killing your process.
Impossible:
a) It can't be done (as far as you know)
b) I can't be bothered
c) You're starting to annoy me
Inevitable:
a) Couldn't be avoided
b) Not my fault (as far as you know)
c) The result of annoying me
Menus:
If it's not on the menu, don't ask for it. It's not available. If it
is on the menu, it's probably no use or it doesn't work. We're working
on it (See "Eternity").
Utilities:
I find them quite useful, you'll find them quite inaccessable. Besides,
they're not on your menu, are they. What did I tell you about that?
Nuisance:
You
Of course, I reserve the right to add, change, or remove anything from
the list above. I'm not asking you to accept these matters without
question, I'm telling you.
Now that we all know where we stand, I'm sure there'll be no future
problems. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to
keep them to yourself. If you feel the need for more information, I
highly recommend that you ask someone else.
