Star Trek - The New Generation
"The search for the lost episode"
(c) 1995
0. Intro
---------
Picard: "Space, the final frontier and all that...
..Commander Data and I have descended to the planet Gee-o-tine to
investigate reports of strange headless beings sightlessly wandering
the planet's surface and colliding with Federation space measurement
landstations."
1. The Shuttle
---------------
Data: Captain, I'm getting readings of an intense concentration of life at
an old ruin approximately 3 kilometers from the central landstation.
I believe that this may hold some clue to the headless nature of the
inhabitants. I feel we should go there directly, which would take
us approximately 3 minutes at our current speed.
Picard: Make it so
Data: It is so.
Picard: So?
2. Planet Surface
------------------
Data: Captain, the local inhabitants are congregating around a large
central artifact consisting of a heavy blade suspended above a
stock-like platform.
Picard: Interesting. What would you describe it's function as being?
Data: I believe that it's rough construction tend to indicate that it
is an impromptu device for severing the head from the tordo.
Picard: I see. I believe we should investigate Mr Data.
Data: Very well Sir.
3. The Gillotine
-----------------
Data: I believe the function of this device is such that a person is
placed in these stocks in much the same position as myself, the
blade is activated by pressing that lever by you sir, then the
severed head slides down this chute to the compactor below,
being crushed with a "WUMPA"-like noise.
Picard: What, this lever?
>SSSSHHIZZ< >WOKKA< >LODDLE LODDLE LODDLE< >WUMPA!<
Picard: Woopsy.
4. The Ship
------------
Picard: Captain's Log, Stardate 57.3.2
I have taken Data's body back to the Enterprise after he accidentally
activated a head-removing artifact. I can only guess at this cause,
as I was some distance away examining another artifact at the time..
I have Mr LeForge and Mr Riker standing by with a discarded test head
that was found in a storeroom at Dr Sung's laboratory some years ago.
Hopefully, this will be enough to bring Data back to us.
Picard: Mr LForge, are we ready to fit Data's new head after his accident?
LForge: We are sir, only...
Picard: Only what Mr LForge?
LForge: I don't know how exactly to tell you Sir
Picard: Out with it Mr LForge, we haven't got all day!
Riker: It's bad news Sir.
LForge: Very bad news Sir.
Riker: Very, Very Bad News Sir
Picard: WELL?
LForge: You're not going to like it Sir...
Riker: Not going to like it at all if I may say so sir..
Picard: OUT WITH IT, WHAT IS THE MATTER?!
LForge: It's the box sir, I hadn't noticed it before because the label
was on the bottom. I only found it when I'd taken the head out
and turned the box over.
Picard: WELL?
LForge: The box says 'INTEL INSIDE'
Picard: Shit a tow-rope, you're joking!!
Riker: He's not sir.
Picard: Bugger Me Backwards, a Bloody Intel!
How could this happen?
LForge: Well, Dr Sung did test a lot of mass-produced chips before settling
on his own design...
Picard: Shit! Now we're really down Crap-Galaxy without a booster section!
LForge: Ah, that's not the worst news sir.
Picard: Oh, Nut me Numb, you're not going to tell me it's a bloody Pentium
are you?
LForge: Is that an order sir?
Picard: Fuck!
Hang on, which version of Pen..
LForge: One.
Picard: Shit, Shit, Double Shit!
LForge: And you realise that Data was a 4 way shared multiprocessor?
Picard: What are you saying Mr LForge?
LForge: That the results of his computations would include the replicated
cross-computed error of the 4 chips.
Picard: Quadruple Shit!
We're fucked aren't we?
Riker: Not necessarily Sir. There are some uses that Mr Data would still
be good for..
Picard: And they are?
LForge: Well, if I cross-thread his primary stance circuits and reverse his
central core cooling and maintenance system, resynapse his nueral
net then add this hose here....
Picard: He's fit for duty?
LForge: Uh, as a vacuum cleaner sir.
Riker: Only, he can only do the middle of the room because he's no good
at judging distances any more...
Picard: Octuple Shit.
It doesn't look good does it?
LForge: It depends what you mean sir. You see, Data had a first class
battery, which would allow us to get a 5000 watt vacuum cleaner.
Exceptional performance
Picard: So you're saying he'd have more suck...
Riker: .. than William Shatner's acting? Yes Sir!
Picard: Make it so!
LForge: So So it is Sir!
<--- part 2 --->
Star Trek - The New Generation
"The search for the lost episode"
(c) 1995
Part II
0. Intro
---------
Picard: "Space, the final frontier and all that...
Having replaced Commander Data's missing head with one of Dr Sung's
discarded replacement heads, we have reassigned him to primary deck
maintenance and hygiene procedures. Mr LForge is attempting to solve
some teething problems.
LForge: Captain, I think I have solved one of the major problems!
Picard: You've corrected Data's mathematical errors?
LForge: No...
Picard: You've replaced the faulty processors?
LForge: Ah.. no..
Picard: Well what is it then?
LForge: I've added an extra large dustbag so he can do the whole holodeck
in one go.
Picard: Excellent - That should make a major difference to downtime after
Holosickness. Are there any advances in other functionality?
LForge: Well his voice, hearing and sight circuits are completely unimpaired,
so he should be able to perform stimuli-based functions such as entries
in the ship's log, without a problem.
Picard: Excellent. Let's try it out shall we?
"MR DATA, PLEASE REPORT TO THE BRIDGE IMMEDIATELY"
1. The Bridge
--------------
>CRASH<
Data: I'm sorry sir, I believed that you were still 480 centimeters
away from me when in fact you were not.
Picard: That's perfectly allright Mr Data.
Please, humour us, we believe that you can serve back on the bridge.
Could you please report the events of the day to the Ship's Log.
Data: Certainly Sir!
Ships log, Stardate 57.3.22999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999....
LForge: CONTROL-ALT-DELETE DATA!
Data: Booting...
Picard: So much for that idea.
Data: Checking Memory \,|,/,-,\...
LForge: Sorry about that Sir, I felt sure that there wasn't any maths
involved in logging.
Picard: Yes. Well, no harm done
Data: 1 gig \,|,/,-, 2 gig \,|,/,- 3 gig \,|,/,- RAM OK. ROM OK.
Picard: Can we turn that off?
LForge: Yes sir, if you press his nose while he's booting, he skips the
tests and boots silently.
Picard: I see. Perhaps a piece of tape across his nose would solve the
problem?
LForge: It might be an idea Captain
Picard: Make it so!
Is there anything we can do about the his speed?
LForge: Well, he is running Windows '99.
Picard: Good grief! I hadn't realised that Dr Sung would have had access
to that sort of thing.
LForge: Records indicate that it wasn't made illegal until 2004.
Picard: I see. Do we have any other options?
LForge: Well, we did try testing another couple of discarded heads, but
they were even earlier versions, and we've got far less satisfaction
from them than his current configuration.
Picard: Meaning?
LForge: Well Sir, One head keeps repeating "guru meditation error" and
the other keeps asking us to "Press play on tape #1"
Picard: Oh Dear. I suppose we'll have to make do with what we have.
MR DATA!
Data: Yes captain?
Picard: Report to the holodeck immediately for rubbish centralisation
duties.
Data: Certainly sir. I shall begin work in precisely 23.3333333333333
3333333333333333333333333333333333333
LForge: >Sigh< Control-Alt-Delete Data
Picard: Turn off his speech circuit perhaps.
LForge: No sir, then we would have no idea of what was happening. He would
just look like he's hung.
Troy: Data's hung!? They never told me that at the academy!
-to be discontinued-
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