JACKASS

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered I needed to make a call. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying 'Hello!' I politely said, ' Hello, could I please speak to Robin Carter?' Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I could not believe anyone would be so rude.

I tracked down Robins number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin I noticed the wrong number on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person answered once more, I yelled, 'You're a JACKASS!', and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote 'Jackass' and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I would yell 'JACKASS!' and hang up. It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year, the phone company introduced Caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the Jackass!!

Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, 'Hello?', I made up a name. This is the sales office of the telephone company, and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID program?. He said 'NO!!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're a JACKASS!!!

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there is ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it...just dial 823-4863.

                (Keep reading, it gets better)

An old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of a parking space. I did not think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started out of the slot very slowly. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this Black Camero comes flying up the parking lot in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, 'Hey, buddy, you can't do that, I was here first!'.

The guy climbed out of his Camero and completly ignored me. He was walking toward the Mall as if he did not even hear me. I thought to myself, 'This guy is a Jackass!!'. There sure are a lot of Jackasses in the world.

I noticed he had a 'For Sale' sign in his window...I wrote down the number and hunted for another place to park.

A few days later, I was sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, 'You're a JACKASS!'. (It's really easy to call him now as I have him on speed dial). I noticed I still had the number of the guy with the Black Camero and decided I needed to call him, too!! After a few rings, someone answered the phone and said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Is this the man with the Black Camero for sale?'

'Yes it is'
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
'Yes.  I live at 1802 West 34th St.  It is a yellow house and the car is out front.
'What is your name?', I asked.
'My name is Don Hansen'
'When is a good time to catch you, Don?'
'I'm home in the evenings'
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
'Yes'
'Don, you're a JACKASS!!!'  And I slammed down the phone.  After I hung up, I added Don's number to my speed dialer. 

For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem, I had two Jackasses to call. Then, after a couple of months of calling the Jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying 'Hello?'.

I yelled, 'You're a Jackass!", but I did NOT hang up.
The Jackass said, 'Are you still there?'.
'Yeah', I said.

He said, 'Stop calling me!'.

'No!'

He said, 'What's your name, pal?'.

I said, 'Don Hansen!'.

He said, 'Where do you live?'.

'1802 West 34th Street.  It's a yellow house, my black Camero is out front.

'I'm coming over right now, Don.  You had better say your prayers.'

'Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!',  and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2.  He answered, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, Jackass!!!'

He said, 'If I ever find out who you are....'

'You'll what?'

'I'll kick your butt.'

'Well, here's your chance.  I'm coming over right now, Jackass!, and I hung up.

Then I waited ten minutes, picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

GLORIOUS!!... Two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the evening news team!!