Field Report
From: Mary-Elizabeth, Gina, Jo and Sarah
To: Everyone else
Re: TommyCon ’99
We’re so sorry that Elisa didn’t get to come (Hi, Elisa! We missed you!), because here’s all the neat people we met!
Friday’s festivities started off with a surprise phone call from Terri Wilson. (Hi, Terri!) She was surprised to talk with us – she had hoped to leave a message, but she handled it with her usual grace and style. Bill Strannix was nowhere in evidence, though with all that clicking on the line, we have a feeling HE KNOWS.
When we realized who it was on the phone, Mary-Elizabeth shrieked like a teenager (says Gina). M-E is now known for her sound effects. (Ask her for a demonstration – especially of the Bwa-ha-ha-ha demonic laugh noise!) Mary-Elizabeth also went out of her way to take care of the television and vcr rentals this weekend – a BIG thank you to her! She says she took Lora to see her vet clinic, but we heard that there was a famous Texan at a nearby male strip joint, so we’re not so sure anymore.
On Saturday night, Craig served as our table-dancing waiter, but, even when offered cold hard cash, would NOT sing Danny Boy. (We knew all the lyrics, you see. The homeless transvestite lounge singer had thoughtfully gone through all the verses the night before.) (Yes, we have a picture of Craig. Yes, it will be posted ASAP. Yes, he was beautiful.)
Upon our check-out, we met one of the hotel managers, who surprised the heck out of us by knowing about and yet still wanting to see The Park Is Mine. As an added bonus, he met Rip Torn (who looked like a homeless guy, but that’s beside the point), when the actor came to stay at the hotel several months ago. The jury is still out on whether Mr. Torn had an “intergalactic kegger” during his stay.
Kellie and Debbie, resident spies from the Tom Wood forum, were the first to arrive. Debbie must have nerves of steel, because she managed somehow to enjoy dinner even with the knowledge that her teenage son had borrowed her car. Despite their killer late night drives home, they stayed each day until the big dog howled.
Lora, the quintessential southern lady, graced us with a fabulous cake – chocolate and kahlua and nuts and yummy things. She also demonstrated a singular talent. Mesmerized by THOSE SCENES in The Betsy, she has set a new record for continuous twirling of a single bite of cake on the end of her fork.
Connie came with her ever-patient husband, Ron, who somehow managed to sit in a room of hormonally driven women for 14 hours on Saturday, and not go insane. Connie also shared her amazing artwork with us – what an incredible talent she has!
We were all thrilled that Jeanie could join us for Saturday’s lust-fest. Frank wisely avoided the hormonally-charged atmosphere in the suite, but was kind enough to serve as our resident videographer at supper. They both assure us that many pictures will soon be available on her page – so keep an eye out! Ever the philosopher queen, Jeanie invited us to consider the postmodernist experience of studying life through the lens of a camera that was photographing a video on the TV screen (red dot in the corner and all).
Meredith joined us all the way from Denver, and managed to ensure that I (Sarah) will never be able to watch USM again without being painfully aware that Catherine Walsh is sans bra throughout the film. Besides being our resident theology and literature expert, Meredith updated us on TLJ’s current whereabouts by assuring us that “He must be at Waterworld in Denver – because I’m not!”
We all admired Nic’s dinner skills, and a privileged few got to experience Nic live and in person, JUST LIKE SHE IS IN THE CHAT ROOM. (Except she didn’t kill anyone.) She took our constant jibes like the good sport that she is. So…to take teasing to the limit: She assures us that she doesn’t have a “thing” for Cosmo, but we don’t believe her. Ask her about his greasy pink panties. (Jo says “they were red last night” – I don’t think we want to know.) She also has a craving for pistachio, grapefruit and little pearl onion soda pop, so if anyone finds some of this, give her a call. And never, EVER, ask her what time it is.
The prize for driving the farthest, having the most harrowing travel stories (you would too, if Nic were following you) and sleeping the latest, goes to Audra and her friend Sarah, who drove all the way from upstate New York to join in the festivities. Despite being our youngest attendees, these ladies conducted themselves with the utmost propriety and grace, with Audra uttering such comments as “A Bone At Last” and “One of those hand-held jobbies, eh?” Audra has “ears like an eagle” for both fine jazz and Tommy Lee Jones lines.
We discovered that, in her free time, Gina servez az a spokezmodel for Zima, frequently baptizing the couch with the frothy libation. We managed to keep all knives away from her by hiding them in the fridge, amongst the cut vegetables, even though the Martha Stewart in her was most concerned with their arrangement. (Gina claims we’re lying through our teeth on this point, but M-E and Sarah would swear to it. As would Pete, M-E’s poor friend who got sucked into the horror.)
Sarah served as focal point for public mockery with her midwestern accent. (“Geraaaaaaaaard. Baaaaaaaaarge. Caaaaaaaar.”) She taunted the gathering with tales of her friend who dated TLJ’s body double, but “Sharon” never showed. (Gina, M-E and Jo think that she needs to get her fantasies under control. “Saaaaaaam….Saaaaaammmmmy!”) Queen of the Anal Retentives, Sarah gets the award for finding continuity errors in the movies...
....though Jo, out of nowhere, astounded the crowd with finding The Fugitive’s single-most blatant error. (Listen in the scene outside Coleman’s place when Biggs and Frank Henry (played by PatRICK Maguire) take the guns out of the shopping cart. Biggs says “I’m right behind ya, RICKY.” Oops!) We’re all proud of Jo for managing her caffeine intake this weekend – one trip to Starbucks and only three or four liters of diet coke! Way to go!Other highlights:
Everyone was issued Rewind coupons upon their arrival, which entitled them to four rewinds of scenes of their choice. (NOT entire movies.) They expire on the 11th. Keep a watch out on ebay – we plan to sell the extras in about a year. Real collector’s items! Not available in stores! Call now! With your order, you’ll also receive this Full set of STEAK KNIVES! --- ABSOLUTELY FREE!
We saw Smash-Up on I-5 and the Charlie’s Angels premiere. In response, Audra came up with the line of the weekend …. If you can fill in the blank: “The finest thing a man and a _______ can do together,"*** you were at TommyCon.
And, of course, who can forget watching Life Study?? We sure can’t. Although this is from the time of TLJ’s “howling pooches”, we found the nekkid scenes to be……enlightening. But…..Was he an architect? An artist? Did his parents die in a horrible tractor accident? Or was that a plane crash? Texas? Or Canada? That woman….where did she come from? Was she blind, or just clumsy? And how did she learn how to play the mandolin? Were they vampires, or did they just not have the budget to light the set? We have no idea. And no, Nic, that was definitely his BELT.
A big thanks to everyone who made the conference happen, and who traveled to share in the fun. We hope you enjoyed reading this report as much as we enjoyed living it (and writing this).
Respectfully submitted,
Mary-Elizabeth Ellard
Jo Girard (Giraaaaaaaard – Sarah says you all can just BITE ME!)
Gina Holub
Sarah Paukstis
