Quite possibly one of the most disgusting things I've ever heard.
THE 40 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED
1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and
start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the penis as if
it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is
a thing of wonder and beauty,and should be worshipped and held tenderly at
all times.The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not
two-thirds of the way down.
2. LETHAL WEAPONS: A guy's scrotum is a wondrous aesthetic achievement of
nature to be treated gently. Don't squeeze the balls like you are squeezing
water from a sponge. If you have long nails pull them off with pliers
before even looking at a guy's ball bag.
3. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing
and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should
be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every angle.
4. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show
your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that
he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.
5. PHONE TURN-Off: Don't put your mobile phone next to the bed and say:
"I'm just waiting for a call from my hairdresser to confirm an appointment
but we can carry on in the meantime." Ringing bells might have turned
Quasimodo on but not your average stud with 10 pints of lager inside him.
6. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried
away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut"
or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love juice Laughter at
any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful
you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.
7. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your
face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of
joyful union with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in
most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his
happiness.
8. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important.Don't wait to be asked
to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
9. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he
does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If
you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out Thieving
anything or asking for a phone number.
10. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It. If
you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play
with yourself as he rams away.
11. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean
his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not
swallowed everything.
12. LACK OF MAINTENANCE: Never ask a man if he likes your body as you will
force him to lie. Men don't like fat chicks. Get in the gym and lose some
weight and tighten those buns and thighs. There is no such thing as the
perfect body. 99.6 per cent of men say that even Christy, Elle, Naomi et al
could still lose a few pounds -so what chance have you got?
13. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you
going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your
mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should
have gone to the gym to work your biceps. Of he's shagging you and takes
more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but
a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
14. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's
ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely
that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
15. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a
spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you
expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and
we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put
some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
16. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can
satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting
suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If
he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn
something from her to keep your man really happy.
17. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes
your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it
looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice
sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that your
man would rather be shagging.
18. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate
and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without
savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a
block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to
side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy
finale to fun and games.
19. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy
he has expended on making love to you - especially if a) sex has lasted
more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man' s
role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when
one's prowess is appreciated.
20. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's
warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into
well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask :"Do you think I should buy
that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" there is a name for the
practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.
21. BED-RIDDEN: Too many women fail in bed because they insist on being IN
BED. Very few countries have statutes limiting horseplay to a designated
room. Let yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in the bathroom
and kinkiness in the kitchen. If you're lucky, your man might imagine he's
bonking someone sexy and adventurous and he might manage a larger, harder
erection.
22. SHARING NOT CARING: Whilst it is understandable that you would be
excited after receiving a mouthful of cum, do not be thoughtless in
expressing your gratitude by kissing your man on the lips. YOU like semen,
HE doesn't. Be considerate, please.
23. BEING NAKED: Very few female bodies are good to look it so please make
an effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match the
outfit to suit your bod. If you've got a half-decent ass but no tits for
example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover your meagre mammaries
with something silky.
24. TOO BRIGHT: If the man switches the light off, it is for a reason, so
please don't insist on seeing what's going on. If he's got a bit of a beer
belly or a lovebite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right to keep
such matters to himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine he's
shafting Natalie Imbruglia, please understand this fascinating aspect of
the male psyche.
25. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (1) Never embarrass a gentleman by
challenging him to remember your name after he's shagged you. If he thought it was
important to remember your name, he would have.
26. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (2): Don't be angry if you're lover shouts out
another woman's name during the sexual act. Men have much more complicated
lives than women and deal with many more people at work, football club,
gym, pub, etc. It's probably just a close associate and totally innocent.
Of course, he might be shagging someone else in his spare time and it is
understandable that he should make such an obvious mistake.
27. KEEPING HIM WAITING: Don't get him all turned on and the let his proud
stiffy whither while you go to the bathroom and tone and moisturise every
square centimetre of your body. The male erection can be sensitive to
45-minute delays while you go off to make yourself look presentable. If you
must follow a strict beauty regime, do it after he's shot his load and has
started to snore.
28. TOOTH ACHE: When we ask you to eat our cock, this should not be taken
literally. I know it's hard to resist but keep the tooth action to a little
nibble now and again.
29. YOU CAN'T HURRY, LOVE: If a woman is serious about good oral sex as
part of foreplay, 20 minutes is the bare minimum required to give the
subtle and complex penis a reasonable working over. Better allow for 45
minutes at least.
30. TWO DIMENSIONAL: It's not enough to be a specialist - even in the
important skill of fellatio. To be regarded as a successful woman in bed
you must have a full portfolio of tricks. These should include a penchant
for facial glazing and a familiarity with idiosyncrasies of your man's anal
region.
31. CAMERA SHY: If he wants to capture the beauty that is you during those
special moments (so he can remember the bits he missed because he was
drunk), help him by posing in a gorgeous, pouting way for the camera or
video camera.
32. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS: While men are more than happy to lick the
pink clam, please give it a bit of a wash once or twice a week. You can have
too much of a good thing.
33. OBSESSIVE: The female orgasm is over-rated so don't spoil everybody's
fun by insisting on having one every time you have sex. Of course, if you
do have lots, you should feel free to announce them.
34. PERIOD PAIN (1) : It's natural for a woman to beg for a good seeing to
but please do not a) pretend your period has finished or b) that it hasn't
even started. Just go without and let your man catch up with his fantasies
about your friends, his young and pretty work colleagues and the girls he
shagged before he met you.
35. PERIOD PAIN (2): Having said that (above), just because you're on the
blob, it doesn't mean his natural and healthy urges have gone away. Don't
put sex off limits for the duration of your period. Use this special time
together to work on your oral and massage techniques.
36. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF): Nothing is worse than giving a man some
encouragement and then not finishing the job. Such encouragement might be
the slightest brush against any part of his body. So if he's got a stiffy,
you've got to deal with it and take things through to their natural
conclusion.
37. WAKE-UP CALLER: Men have busy and demanding schedules so please
understand if he should occasionally (say three times a week) fall asleep
while on the job. You should take it as a compliment that he feels so relaxed.
38. COVER UP: If you have lured a man to bed under the guise of being a
sultry temptress with long eyelashes and painted lips, please keep the
illusion going until he has discharged his porridge gun or fallen asleep.
If you care about him, you will make sure he never discovers the terrible
secret hidden beneath your caked-on make-up.
39. PUTTING A DAMPENER ON THE EVENING: Don't make a fuss about
sleeping on the damp patch. If God wanted men to sleep on the messy remains of coitus
he would have given us a snatch.
40. TV SINNER: The only TV programs suitable for accompanying good sex
are hardcore porn (especially involving yourself) or a football match. No
gardening or knitting programs to be watched.
