Q: What's the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare
A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach wearing just a pair of cutoff jeans. Sure enough he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes the Genie to give him one wish. He pulls out a map of the Middle East, and asks the Genie if he can bring Peace to this part of the World.
The Genie pales, and says "Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, the very fiber of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen."
"OK," the dude says, "tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me, with the best blow job I've ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading. Because SHE LIKES IT, because SHE WANTS TO, because IT TURNS HER ON!!"
The Genie thinks for a moment and says; "Let me see that map again…"
Q.Do you know why God created man?
A. Because She knew her vibrator wouldn't take out the garbage.
Last night as I lay in bed looking up at the stars, I thought to myself, Where the hell's the ceiling?!
When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British
ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.
At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame
deGaulle. "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure,
such a presence on the French and International scene for so many
years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you
most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and
no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said,
"Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"
Guests who kill their talk show hosts. On the last Donahue.
Q. What do you say to a girl with no tits? <
A.
Sandy and Thorn were an extremely liberal, though not especially bright,
white couple. Wanting to begin a family, they decided they wanted to have
a black baby, and set to work. Nine months later, the fruits of their
labor was born: a lovely white girl. Pleased but disappointed, Thorn
decided to ask a black man at work why they hadn't parented a black baby.
Realizing that Thorn was somewhat sluggish, the fellow took him aside and
asked, "Is your dick at least a foot long?"
Thorn had to admit that it was not.
"And is it at least four inches wide?"
Once more Thorn replied in the negative.
"Well, man, there's your problem!" the chap slapped him on the back. "You
let in too much light!"
All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous redhead walked into
the costume party stark naked. The alarmed host rushed to
intercept her.
"Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth.
"This is it," she calmly explained. "I came as Adam."
"Adam?" her host exploded. "You don't even have a dick!"
She replied, "Give me a few minutes."
Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room
after his wife gives birth to their son.
Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"
The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and
offered the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a
while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him
he was a holy man.
"It's O.K.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in
the Bible it says it's okay.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page
where someone wrote in pencil -- "The hat check girl puts out!"
If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
The psychiatrist was holding a group consultation with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he told them.
To the first one, he said, "Your obsession is eating. Why you've even named your daughter Candy."
The second, he said, was obsessed by money. "Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother arose and, taking her little boy by the hand, whispered, "Let's go, Peter."
Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make one hundred people happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them, and says," I could throw all three of you out the window and make 250 million people happy.
Q: Have you heard about the new lottery game in India?
A: You scratch the card, and if the dot on the card matches the dot on your face, you win a 7-11.
A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in the place!"
The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"
