Disclaimer:  The characters of Simon and Simon do not belong to me.  This is for entertainment purposes only.  No money is being made.

Notes:  This is a missing scene based on the second season episode "The List."
 
"The List" aired 2/17/83.  "A.J. pressures Rick into taking the case of a woman accused of murdering the publisher who put her, against her wishes, on a list of San Diego's ten sexiest women; but Rick also investigates their client's mysterious secrets, while A.J. is falling in love with her."

Please forgive any inconsistencies in the parts that are based on the actual episode since I didn't have it on tape to refer back to.  If you catch mistakes, please don't hesitate to let me know so I can fix them.

Obviously if you haven't seen the episode, this story will contain spoilers for it.

Comments welcome at testhom@netzero.net

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Words that appear in [ ] are quotes taken to my best recollection directly from the episode.

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["I'll find her Rick," A.J. said tightly, determination shining in his eyes.

"I know you will.  If anybody can find her, it's you.  You're the best, and if that's what you really want to do, I'll help you," Rick answered meaning every word.  He gripped A.J.'s arms wanting to keep him anchored as he spoke his next words, "but if you find her, you'll put her life in danger.  The people that are after her aren't as good as you, but they won't have to be.  They'll wait and let you find her for them."]

Rick kept his grip on his brother's arms even though A.J. tried to pull away.  He watched  as his words penetrated.  He watched as the gleam of hope died in his brother's eyes, and cursed himself for being the cause.  He saw pain replace the hope before A.J. shuttered his face completely.

He let go when his brother pulled away again.  He didn't want to.  Rick wanted to shelter him and comfort him, but he knew A.J. wouldn't allow it.  Not now, maybe later.

"Why don't we go grab some dinner," Rick offered.  He knew his brother would turn down the offer, but he wanted to make it clear that he was available to talk or listen or just be around.

"No thanks, I think I want to be alone."

Rick nodded.  He watched A.J. leave the office.  As soon as he knew his brother was out of earshot, he cursed out loud hoping it would relieve some of his own strain.

It helped a little but not enough.  He was wound up with concern for A.J. He was also feeling his own guilt. He hadn't given Amanda McKay a fair shake.  He recognized that she was a woman with a secret and mistrusted her from the beginning. He was afraid her secret would hurt his brother, and it did, but not in the way he expected.

So here he was feeling helpless and angry on his brother's behalf although he had the feeling that A.J. possessed both in abundance.

Losing someone you loved, and Rick had no doubt that A.J. was in love, was hard enough.  Having to willingly give up the person you loved for her own protection was something else entirely.  It wasn't like it was with Janet.  A.J. had been in love with her too, but he'd gotten the chance to play it out to the end when they both decided, it just wasn't going to work.

No, this was harder.  His brother was stuck in a kind of limbo.  He would never know if Amanda was "the" one or not, and not knowing whether the love of your life slipped through your fingers was worse because it would always be a loose end, an unanswered question.

Rick felt a surge of anger toward Amanda McKay.  She should have told A.J. from the beginning there was a chance she couldn't stick around.  She should have been honest about her status as a federally protected witness.

Abruptly the anger passed.  As much as he wanted to hold it against her, he found that he couldn't.  She had come to them in the first place because she didn't want to be uprooted again.  She had hoped that if they cleared her name, she would be safe to stay in San Diego.  The fact that she had to leave wasn't her fault. Things just didn't work out.  She would have eventually been cleared, but the investigation would have blown her cover.  No one had planned on that.

Rick stared at the closed office door.  He took a step toward it and stopped.  His instincts were screaming at him to go after A.J., and his instincts were usually dead on, but he squelched them.  He purposefully turned away from the door, and took deliberate steps moving him further into the office until he was blocked by his brother's desk.  He wouldn't know what to say even if he found A.J. so he would let him have his time alone.

He sat down at A.J.'s desk and picked up Amanda's casefile. He stared at it for a long time, not exactly sure what to put in it without revealing the whole truth. Usually A.J. handled the casefiles, but Rick wanted to spare him this one.

Finally after gathering his thoughts, he added a few things omitting most of the details.  In bold capital letters across the bottom he wrote:  CLOSED, and filed it away.

He killed the next two hours going through magazines, sharpening every pencil they owned, cleaning out his desk.  He didn't realize the amount of junk one desk could hold.  Finally, he figured it was time to seek out his brother.

Grabbing his coat, he was halfway out the door when the phone rang.  Cursing the caller's timing, he grabbed the phone on the third ring.

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A.J. headed out the door of the office, bypassing the elevator, he took the stairs.  He just wanted out of the building. He needed out of the building.  It felt like the walls were closing in on him like he developed a case of claustrophobia.  He could actually feel the space around him growing smaller.

Bursting through the exit, he inhaled fresh air.  He leaned against the building for a second trying to restore his composure. Distractedly he noticed the sun was setting, a star even twinkled in the darkening sky. Weren't you supposed to wish on the first star?  He and Rick used to as kids.  Make impossible wishes, but not tell each other for what or else they wouldn't come true.

What a joke, he thought.  He couldn't even remember what he wished for back then, but he knew what he would wish for now, and he also knew it was a waste of time, but he did it anyway--silently.

He shook his head, pushed away from the wall, and dug out his car keys.  He unlocked the door and slid behind the wheel wanting nothing more than to go home.  As he inserted the key, it hit him that there were going to be a lot of memories and reminders there that he would rather not deal with.  He and Amanda had shared some of their best times in his house.

He felt the sting of tears threaten to destroy what little composure he managed to maintain up til now.  He had only cried a couple of times in his life.  It made him feel weak even though deep down, he knew there was nothing wrong with it.  It was probably even healthy to cry, but he didn't want to give in just yet.  Later, much later, when he was in his own bed, he might give in when he thought about how she was gone without so much as a chance to say goodbye.

Right now he didn't want to think, and he didn't want to feel.  He wanted to be numb.  He started the car and pulled out onto the road heading for a place that he hoped would offer him the temporary peace he sought.

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Rick pulled his truck into the space next to A.J.'s car.  The bar's neon sign cast odd patterns on the windshield.

Pulling open the bar door, his eyes immediately lit on the lone patron. A.J. was slouched over the bar, back to the door.  Rick could hear him talking to the bartender, but couldn't make out what he was saying.  Not wanting to startle his brother, he spoke to him before he touched him.

He could see that A.J. was truly drunk so he hauled him up off the barstool, looping one of his brother's arms around his neck, and circling A.J.'s waist with his free arm.  He thanked the bartender for calling him, and shuffled A.J. out the door.

He had to practically push his brother up into his truck because A.J. wasn't being a whole lot of help.  Shutting the door, he went to A.J.'s car and made sure the doors were locked.  Then he climbed into the driver's seat of his truck and steered them toward home.

Glancing over, Rick could see A.J. resting his head back on the seat, eyes closed.  He thought his brother had passed out until A.J. spoke.

"Hey Rick, you s'pose the saying is true?" A.J. asked the effect of the alcohol slurring his words.

"What saying?" Rick asked looking over to find A.J.'s eyes still closed.

"You know.  'I's better to have loved and lost, than never to h've loved at all.'"

"I don't know, A.J.," Rick answered thinking it over for a minute before continuing, "I guess it depends on the kind of love."

"What'dya mean?"

"I think if maybe once you get over the pain, you can look back and be grateful for what you had, and remember the good times, then yeah."

"You really believe that or are you jus' trying to make me feel better?"

"Both," Rick admitted, but he added, "I mean look at Mom and Dad.  She wouldn't trade anything for the time she had with him even though it would spare her all the grief she went through when she lost him."

When no response came from the passenger side, Rick looked over. He found his brother's blue eyes focused on him.

"I love you, Rick," A.J. said quietly.

Rick looked back at the road, emotion swelling within him.  He returned his brother's gaze, smiling.

"I love you too, A.J.," he answered laying a hand on his brother's shoulder as A.J.'s eyes drifted closed.

Rick left his hand where it was, turning his eyes back to the road.  He drove them home.

********************THE END********************


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