“SILENT DAMNATION”
 
 

             EVERYWHERE I go I see your face
             Every sound I hear is the sound of your voice
             Why are you HAUNTING me
             Why can’t I let you go?
             So everything about me is a lie
             At least it seems that way
             When I look in your eyes
             The truth scares the shit out of me
             Who ever said love is blood and love is real
             Has never felt the way that I feel
             WHAT DOES IT MATTER?
             What’s done is done and I should
             Get on with my life
             Why are you haunting me
             Well I don’t know what it is
             But I can’t seem to make myself forget
             Was it something that you said
             Or is it all the guilt inside my head
             Why are you haunting me?
 

             Once again Buffy felt wariness creep over her.  It was as if her body
             were screaming for her to leave, to run, to get the hell out of there or
             else she would be sorry.

             As if she didn’t live with sorrow every second of her existence.

             So instead of listening to her instincts Buffy stubbornly continued to
             dance.  She let the music fill her body, let it become one with every
             pulse and throb in her heart and in her blood.  She raised her arms and
             let her head lean back as she mindlessly followed the music.  All
             feelings of danger melted away as she succumbed to the ecstasy of the
             throbbing pulse in the dance club.

             Her partner pulled her close to his body until they were molded hip to
             hip, thigh to thigh.  It was as if he sensed her abandonment and
             naturally responded to her sexually.  Buffy could feel his hard-on but
             didn’t care.  When the night ended she would be going home alone and
             he---well, he would probably find someone else agreeable for a night of
             meaningless sex.

             No, sex was definitely not what she was looking for.

             Not that she hadn’t tried to lose herself in sex once before, but in the
             end she just couldn’t let it happen.  It had felt all wrong, and
             irrational as it was, she felt guilty for even trying.  How could she
             ever bring herself to allow someone else to touch her after being with
             Angelus?

             Her thoughts immediately shied away from him.  Desperately they returned
             to the present:  the dance club, the flashing lights, the frenetic crowd
             crushed against her.  She could think about him later, when she was
             alone.

             Hungry.  Wanting.

             And dying a little more each day without him.

             Immediately all pleasure she felt dissolved.  She had to get out of
             there.  Stopping she gave a sorrowful smile and small wave to her
             partner.  Turning away from his puzzled expression Buffy headed towards
             the exit.  Just as she almost reached the large iron door, she felt a
             wave of uneasiness rush over her again.  Whipping around to scan the
             crowd she saw...nothing.

             Turning back to the door she quickly opened it and left.  Deciding not to
             walk home  because she was rattled and really didn’t feel like having to
             kick or kill anybody’s ass tonight, Buffy raised an arm to signal a cab.

             Once settling on the cracking leather seat and giving her address Buffy
             thought about her strange reactions that night.  It just wasn’t like her
             to freak out like that.  Maybe it was something in the air that just gave
             her the creeps.

             Maybe he’s found you whispered a tiny little voice in her heart.

             At that thought, Buffy felt the icy fingers of fear grip her
             heart.  Could it be?

             Not likely.  A small, perverse part of her felt disappointment instead of
             comfort in that assumption.

             Angelus was most likely feasting from some other young body.  Literally
             and/or sexually.  He would not be wasting his time with finding
             her.  Granted she did try to kill him, Spike, and Druscilla, but...

             Mentally shaking her head Buffy didn’t think it would be reason enough to
             track her down.  What would be the point?  He had proved his dominance
             and eventually got bored with the sport of breaking her heart.  If there
             was anything he probably regretted it was the fact that she had just
             left, instead of committing suicide or something else equally lame.

             As if you didn’t consider it whispered the same disquieting voice.

             Bleakly Buffy gazed out the window spying the passing nighttime scenery
             of neon lights, clubbers, hookers, pimps, and johns.  She did consider it
             more than once and that’s why she left.  Her last night in Sunnydale
             proved that fact more than anything else.
             Closing her eyes she remembered the madness and desperation that
             possessed her that night.  If she had to witness Angelus one more time
             with anyone else...

             Buffy felt ashamed because she just left without explanation to
             anyone.  She just left.  She could only guess at what Giles, Willow,  and
             Xander must have felt when she never showed up the next morning.  She
             just couldn’t face them and their recriminations.  She shouldn’t have
             disappeared, she knew now and she knew it then, but she just couldn’t
             deal.

             And her mom.  God how she missed her mom!  She couldn’t imagine what her
             mom must have went through and was probably still going
             through.  Countless times Buffy would stand at a payphone with the phone
             clutched tightly in her hand, just wanting to dial the number---but she
             couldn’t.

             No, she wasn’t going to drag the people she loved through her mess
             anymore.  She wasn’t going to put them through her self-inflicted
             hell.  She was going to be stronger than that.  Even if it meant never
             seeing them again.

             How strong was it to walk away from your friends and family Buffy?  How
             strong was it to run away from your duty?  Face it:  you ran because of
             him. From him.  You pathetic coward, you deserve to be alone.

             She did run from Angelus.  She ran from her enslavement.  She ran from
             their sick, twisted, relationship.  She ran from her sick love.

             Angrily wiping away the tears that sprang unbiddingly Buffy saw her
             building loom ahead.  Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out a couple
             of wrinkled bills and handed them over to the cabby.  Murmuring for him
             to keep the change she sprang out of the cab and dejectedly walked into
             her building.

             Damn him!  Damn him for being able to creep into her thoughts, into her
             heart, into her very goddamned soul!  It’s been two years since she left
             Sunnydale, plenty of time to get over someone.  Even a demon
             lover.  Especially a demon lover.  But nooo, she still had to fucking
             care about some vampire prick who had only used and abused her for his
             own sadistic pleasures!

             But most of all, goddamn herself, for she still could not let go of him.

             Jamming her key into the lock Buffy angrily opened the door to her studio
             apartment.  Shutting the door with her foot she tiredly massaged the side
             of her neck.  She couldn’t continue like this.  She already spent
             countless hours of the day remembering and yearning for him, alternately
             loving and loathing him.  Her only real escape had been dancing.  It was
             pretty hard to think or remember your own name, much less anyone else’s,
             when the music was pounding so hard into your body that all but one of
             your senses were shut off.
             Now even that minuscule bit of refuge was taken from her.

             Tonight was the first night that she ever thought about Angelus while
             dancing.  He would always come to the front of her mind before she went
             to the club, after she came back from the club, and all the hours
             in-between the club, but never while she was in it.

             Buffy irritably sighed.  What she really needed now wasn’t some internal
             introspective about why she was fucked in the head for thinking about her
             demon ex-lover, but a shower.  Long and extremely hot.  Then she needed
             to sleep or at least try to until she fell unconscious from sheer
             exhaustion.

             Haphazardly shedding her clothes all the way to the shower Buffy felt a
             frisson of fear course through her once again.  Pausing in mid-walk she
             stood tense and alert as she waited.  What she was waiting for she didn’t
             know but then the feeling went away.  “You’re definitely losing it Buff,”
             she spoke aloud.  Her voice sounded strong but shaky.

             “Oh well, it’s nothing that a hot shower can’t take care of...at least I
             hope.”  With that she went into the tiny bathroom and started her shower.
 

             After standing under the nozzle for several minutes she distantly heard
             pounding at the door.  Not really wanting to end her shower she stood
             there for another minute hoping the noise would go away.

             Unfortunately she wasn’t that lucky.  Buffy resignedly turned the knobs
             off.  Damn Clarisse for locking Viv out again!  Every weekend without
             fail Clarisse would bring home some young stud and deadbolt Viv out so
             she could screw in peace.  Yeah, but what about her peace?  Well, she
             couldn’t leave Viv out in the hall to wait until dawn.  It wouldn’t be
             very neighborly of her now would it?

             Wrapping a towel around her body and one around her hair Buffy went to
             the door, unlocked it, and then immediately turned back to go finish her
             shower.  She yelled over her shoulder “Come on in!  Sorry to keep you
             waiting out so long but I was in the shower.”  She was almost to the
             bathroom when she heard the door open.

             She froze as every instinct screamed a dire warning.  Numbness spread
             through her body when she felt him.  Terrified to be right, afraid to be
             wrong Buffy slowly turned around.  When she saw him standing there inside
             her home, looking so darkly beautiful, Buffy almost collapsed in a
             boneless heap.

             Seeing her shock and smelling her fear, Angelus cruelly
             smiled.  Deliberately sauntering over to her he stopped when only mere
             inches separated them.  “Hello lover,” he seductively whispered.  “Thanks
             for the invite, it really saved alot of time.  Happy to see me?  I know
             I’m thrilled to see you.”
             Gently running his hand over her jaw, Angelus looked intensely into her
             eyes before he closed his hand and painfully gripped her chin.  “I’ve
             only had two years to miss you and believe me Buffy, you’re going to
             deeply feel every single one of those days that I had to go without your
             lovely presence.”