“DIRTY AFFAIRS WITH LOVE”

             IF IT STAYED I’D NEVER LEAVE IT
             IF THAT TURNED AROUND I’D GRIEVE
             THE SPECIAL DIRTY THINGS
             THAT WE USED TO TALK ABOUT
             I MEAN THAT LOVING YOU IS STRANGE AND ADORED BY ME THROUGHOUT
             OH NO IT’S YOU AGAIN
             SOMEDAY SOON YOU’LL FIND THAT SOMEONE WAITING FOR THE CHANCE
             TO BEAT YOU
             DROOLING ON THE SET TO FEEL YOU
             BLESSING YOU WITH EVERY KISS
             TYING YOURSELF TO ME
             STITCH UP MY EMPTINESS
             ‘CAUSE YOU’RE THE DEATH OF ME
             SO PRECIOUS LOVING THE THRILL
             SUCH THE PATIENT ONE WHO NEEDS ME,
             THE SPOILED ONE WHO WINS
             SO SHOCKING, WHERE’S YOUR SENSE
             DON’T YOU KNOW I HATE YOU SO,
             UNSATISFIED YOU LITTLE GIRL
             ROLLING DICE AND SEEMING QUEER,
             BASTARD LOVE A SICK AFFAIR
             LET’S SEE WHAT NEW DISEASE YOU’LL FETCH
             I MEAN THAT FUCKING YOU IS STRANGE AND ADORED BY ME THROUGHOUT
             OH NO IT’S YOU AGAIN
             BLESSING YOU WITH EVERY KISS
             SO PRECIOUS YOU KNOW THIS HATE OF MINE EXPLODED
             I’M SO DERANGED
             YOU KNOW I’LL NEVER BE THE SAME
 

             “Buffy!  Are you in there?”  Viv’s slightly drunken voice penetrated the
             door.  “Clarisse locked me out again...damn bitch...can I crash here
             tonight?”

             Buffy’s gaze swung from the door back to Angelus.  She didn’t like the
             way he looked:  he seemed like a beast sniffing the air, unsure if Viv
             was harmless or a foe.   Moving away from the bed, she walked to the
             door, warily keeping Angelus in sight.

             Seeing his shirt on a chair she quickly donned it.  Opening the door wide
             enough to stick her head out she saw Viv standing on unsteady
             legs.  Seeing Buffy, Viv started to come in.  Quickly Buffy said “Sorry
             Viv, but I can’t tonight.  I’m kinda busy.”

             Wrong choice of words as Buffy soon found out.

             “Busy?  Oh!  Sorry, Buffy, I didn’t mean to interrupt.  I can’t believe
             you’re finally---”

             Hearing where Viv was going she nervously shouted “NO!  I mean, it’s not
             exactly what you think---”

             “You don’t have to explain anything to me, really.  I’m just glad you
             finally gave Daniel a chance.  Hey Danny!!  Way to go my man!!”  Viv
             dissolved into drunken giggles.

             ‘Oh great just what I need Angelus to hear’ she inwardly groaned.

             Tightly Buffy replied “Viv, please, it’s not---just, let me call you
             tomorrow.  I really, really need for you to go.”  Viv was about to speak
             again when Buffy rushed on with “Hey I’ll even break down the door for
             you and throw whatever guy is in there out so you can go to bed.”

             Not even realizing that she was completely serious, Viv tossed her brown
             curls with a laugh.  “As if you could Buffy!  Hey, not a problem.  I’ll
             find somewhere else to crash.  Wait till I see Daniel, that dog!  I’d
             never would have thought that you and he...I know he tried---”

             The door suddenly opened further to reveal Angelus, only dressed in his
             pants.  Amiably smiling at the shock that penetrated Viv’s stupor, he
             smoothly said “I’m sorry but I’m the lucky man in her life now.  Viv,
             that was your name wasn’t it?”  All Viv could do was nod, his physical
             effect on her being more apparent because of the alcohol.

             Continuing he introduced himself “My name is Angelus, or Angel as my
             friends like to call me.”  Giving Viv a mesmerizing smile, he casually
             took her hand and lifted it to his well-shaped mouth.  Leaning over her
             trembling hand, he gave it a soft, gentle kiss.  Raising up he looked
             deeply into her eyes and asked “You will be my friend, won’t you Viv?”

             Not giving Viv a chance to respond, Buffy roughly elbowed Angelus out of
             the way, breaking his hypnotic hold over Viv.  Blinking her eyes, Viv
             focused on Buffy once more.  “Wow.  Definitely not Daniel, not that
             that’s a complaint.  Um, damn, what was I going to say?  Oh yeah, I’ll
             just crash at Julio’s on the third floor.  You really need to meet him, I
             think you two would really hit it off.”

             A thread of steel laced Angelus’ words as he asked “Viv?  Are you trying
             to set up my girlfriend with another guy?  That wouldn’t be very nice of
             you, now would it?”

             “Angel, leave her alone.  Now.”

             Confusedly looking between the two, Viv sensed dangerous
             undercurrents.  They seemed more like on the verge of a fight, which just
             didn’t make sense for Viv.  If she had a guy like Angel (what a phat name
             for a guy!) she would be screwing his brains out!  Somehow she stepped
             her foot in it, and as much as she would love to stand there and look at
             Buffy’s new guy, she sensed that it would be best for her to go.  That
             and Buffy’s next statement of “Viv, go to Julio’s and I’ll see you in the
             morning.” convinced her it was time to bid adieu.

             “Okay.”  Feeling the need to apologize, her green eyes flitted between
             Buffy and Angelus as she said,  “And about Julio, I just meant that he’s
             a really cool guy and I thought you might like to be friends with him or
             something.”

             Giving Angelus a hurried, nasty glare Buffy reached over and gave Viv a
             small hug.  “I know Viv.  It’s okay, I promise.”  Pulling back she gave
             her a shooing motion and said, “Now will you just go before you pass out
             and hit your head!  Get some sleep!”

             With his arm around Buffy’s tense shoulders, Angelus cheerfully said “I
             enjoyed meeting one of Buffy’s friends.  Really, you do have to come in
             and visit us one day, or night, Viv.”

             Warming under his gaze she replied “I will, maybe tomorrow.  Nice to meet
             ya Angel.”  Sleepily grinning Viv leaned close Buffy and warned in a loud
             whisper “You better keep him away from Clarisse or I bet money she’ll try
             to snag him for herself.”  Turning around she started down the hall.

             When she almost reached the end she stopped in front of one of the
             doors.  Raising up a fist, she hammered at the door.  “Clarisse!  You
             skank!  Hurry the hell up!”  She then continued down the hall, rounding
             the corner mumbling loudly to herself “Dammit I’m gonna rip the lock out
             of that damn door one of these days!”

             Relieved that Viv was safely away from the volatile situation, Buffy
             closed and locked the door.  Her nerves were strung so tight but she
             couldn’t let Angelus see it.

             “I really liked Viv.  She’s really cute.  I think that I’d also like to
             meet Clarisse.  She sounds like fun.  You will introduce us, won’t you
             Buff?”

             Purposely ignoring him she walked to the pitiful hole in the wall that
             doubled for a closet. She rummaged in a laundry basket for some underwear
             and a pair of jeans.  Leisurely putting them on, she wondered what to say
             to Angelus.  There was no way that he was going to leave the subject of
             Daniel alone.

             Stepping out of the closet she saw him straddling a wooden chair, his
             arms folded over the top with his chin resting on them.  To the casual
             observer he seemed completely relaxed but Buffy wasn’t fooled.

             Choosing to stand with her back against the wall she waited for him to
             make the first move.  She didn’t have to wait long.

             “So Buff, who’s Daniel?  A boyfriend?”

             “No, he’s not my boyfriend.”

             “Oh I think my friend Viv thinks otherwise.  What was it she said, oh yes
             I remember now.  ‘Way to go my man!’”  Agilely jumping up from the chair,
             Angelus kicked it with so much force two of the legs broke.  “Now why
             would she think that you were with Daniel?”

             Jumping back at the violence of his actions, Buffy knew that this was
             going to be just another one of his sadistic games.  In his mind she was
             already convicted.  Now, he was toying with her, waiting for her to say
             the wrong thing.  “Angelus...it’s very complicated.  Daniel, he’s a
             friend---”

             “Pay attention Buffy!  Once again, why would Viv think that you were with
             Daniel?”

             Strain making her temper snap, she sharply asked “I don’t know Angelus,
             why don’t you tell me?”

             “I’m asking the questions here Slayer, not you---”

             Two years of bottled up anger exploded inside Buffy as she pushed away
             from the wall.  “No!  I’m going to say something and you’re going to damn
             well listen!  How dare you come into my life and judge me?  What about
             all the other women that you were with when you were with me?  What about
             Druscilla?  Cynthia?  All the others?  Daniel isn’t my boyfriend and I’ve
             never had sex with him!”  Recklessly she finished with “Even if I had
             been with him, what I’ve done these past two years is none of your
             business!”

             “Like hell it’s none of my business!”  Closing the distance between them,
             he angrily held her upper arms in a vice grip.  Shaking her roughly he
             spat “Two years or twenty, it doesn’t make a difference.  You are
             mine!  No one has the right to touch you except me!  Do you understand
             me?  DO YOU!?”

             Ripping away she shoved him away from her.  “What right do you have to
             claim me as yours?  I belong to me, not to Daniel, you, or anyone
             else!  I belong to me!”

             Cruelly he taunted “You sure have changed your tune lover.  Not even an
             hour ago, you were beneath me panting while I fucked you.  Begging me to
             take you.  Now you belong to you?  What a joke!”

             “Yeah I guess it would be joke to you, but it’s not to me.  If I had
             slept with someone else, it would’ve been the least you deserved!”

             Crossing his arms across his chest he said in a chiding voice “All this
             righteous anger!  I’m afraid I’m not buying it.”  His voice turned
             menacing.  “You’re not telling me the truth.  Or is that too much to ask
             of you?”

             Bitterly laughing, she replied “I obviously am incapable of telling the
             truth.  What the fuck Angelus, you’ve done nothing but treat me like a
             whore, what do you expect from one?”

             Eyes narrowed in anger he bit out “True, but there’s one difference
             between you and any other whore---you’re my whore.  I own your will, your
             body, and your pathetic heart.  You still love me, and that’s the reason
             why you’ll always be mine.”

             She wanted to deny it, but knew she couldn’t.  Hatefully they stared at
             each other for several minutes before she spoke in a barely audible
             voice. “I still love you, but I wish to God I didn’t because there’s no
             one less deserving of it than you.”

             Scathingly Angelus questioned “And Daniel is someone who deserves it
             right?”  Stalking over to the bed he picked up a letter.  Scanning it he
             mockingly read out loud “’Buffy I know you’ve been hurt in the past by
             some jerk but I swear to you that I would never hurt you’  How
             disgustingly sweet!”

             Balling up the letter he threw it, hitting Buffy squarely in the
             chest.  “It’s amazing how you can say you love me and then what do I
             find?  Love letters.  You’ve been a busy girl these days, haven’t you
             Slayer?”

             Cringing from the scorn in his voice she struck back.  “And what about
             you Angelus?  How busy have you been?  You know, with your insatiable
             appetites?”

             Idly he answered “Never promised you fidelity Buff.  Besides, the fact
             that I’ve spent the last two years looking for you should show that
             you’re my favorite bitch.”

             Picking up a lamp, Buffy flung it with considerable might at his
             head.  “Fuck you!  You fucking, arrogant sonofabitch!  I’m not your
             bitch!  Get the hell out of my life and stay the hell out of it!”

             Barely dodging the lamp, Angelus snarled “Calm down lover.  You’re the
             one in trouble here, so stop being so damn melodramatic!”

             Taking a deep breath, she stared at him in disbelief.  “I’M THE ONE IN
             TROUBLE!  Don’t you freakin’ get it vamp?  I already told you that I did
             not sleep with Daniel.  You’re the one who couldn’t keep his prick in his
             pants!  I really wish that I had made love with Daniel---”

             His voice mirrored the shock on his face.  “Made love with him?!  Is that
             what you would call it?”

             “Yeah that’s right!  It would have been lovemaking with him.  Something I
             would have been able to experience for the first time.”

             “Buffy I’m warning you---”

             “What Angel?  More threats?  Don’t like the thought of me making love
             with someone else?  Someone with a pulse?”  Lowering her voice to a
             sensual purr she spoke while shamelessly running her hands over her
             body.  Buffy could see Angelus’ rage growing in leaps and bounds but she
             was past the point of no return.

             “It would have felt soo good to be with someone who was alive, and all
             warm, and tanned---”  Looking dead into his eyes she drove in with “and
             not cold, pale, and dead.”

             “I may not like the thought of you with someone else, but I relish the
             thought of torturing this Daniel and making you watch.”  Listening to
             Buffy talk about making love with that puke-stain Daniel stirred more
             than possessiveness in him.  It also stirred up pain.  Pain?

             Impossible.  How can I feel this kind of pain?  Unless...I
             love---  NO!  Angelus didn’t allow his thoughts to go any further.

             “Dream on lover.  You’ll never get within a mile of him.”  Walking into
             the kitchen Buffy opened the fridge and pulled out a soda.  Opening it
             and taking a big gulp she appeared totally unconcerned that her lover?
             boyfriend? deranged ex-boyfriend? could at any moment turn on her and try
             to snap her neck.

             Inwardly she was shaking.

             Her nightmare showed her clearly how dangerous her love for him could
             be.  Did he come back into her life only to try to kill her a few hours
             later?

             Turning back to him she observed that he was in the same spot, his head
             flung back as if in great pain.  Unwillingly a twinge of sorrow passed
             over her at the thought of losing him once more.  In her passion she had
             begged for him to stay, she accepted his possession and his threat of
             death, so great was her need for him.

             Before tonight death had been an ever-present thought for her.  She
             didn’t actively seek it, but if she was to be faced with it Buffy had
             thought she wouldn’t fight against it too hard.

             But she now realized that she really didn’t want to die.

             If it came down to either him or her, he would go down.  She would
             deliver the killing blow as the Slayer.  In the process ridding the world
             of another vampire.

             Also, in the process, destroy a part of herself.  How could she continue
             with him?  How would she continue without him if it came to that?

             “Angelus?”

             Looking at her, Angelus felt the tremor within again.  It was pain.  He
             never had felt such an emotion as this.  Even when Buffy had left all he
             felt was rage and unfulfilled lust but not this pain.  He had known he
             would find her and then things would be as they once were.

             But the knowledge of Buffy thinking and wanting to make love to someone
             else--- it had always been unthinkable before.  If he had thought of
             Buffy with anyone else, it always in the context of lust.  Lust he
             understood.  This he didn’t.  Making love.  Not screwing, having sex, or
             just plain fucking, but making love.

             Who would have thought he was so damn sensitive?  He, who had witnessed
             and caused the destruction of many a mortal woman’s heart.  Never had he
             been so...emotionally drawn in that what a woman felt for another
             affected him.  Many of the women that he had seduced loved someone
             else.  Those few lucky enough to come out of his dalliance alive often
             went back to their true loves.  What did he care once he was finished
             with them?

             Disturbingly he found that he did care about what Buffy felt for that
             turd named Daniel.  What a horrid biblical name!  Walking over to the
             threadbare couch, he settled himself comfortably.  Pinning Buffy with a
             stare he coldly asked “So, do you love him?”

             “Wh-what?”

             “You heard me, do you love him?”

             Even though she was thrown off, it didn’t even take a moment for her to
             answer.  “No. I don’t.  That doesn’t make me wish that I didn’t.”

             Ignoring the relief that ran over him, Angelus sardonically chuckled
             “Poor Buffy.  First Xander, and now Daniel.  You always seem to blow off
             the good guys and fall in love with the wrong ones.”
             Tensing at the persistent mocking tone in his voice she coldly answered
             “No, I just fell in love with the wrong thing---a soulless demon from
             Hell.  And if you don’t leave I’ll just have to send you back home.”

             “Nah, I don’t think so babe.  You and I belong together.  Face it Buff,
             I’m the face you’ll wake up to every day for the rest of your
             life.”  Knowing he was angering her he patted his lap and said, “So be a
             good little girl.  Come here and give me a kiss.”

             Exasperated at his arrogance, and disturbed by the thrill that leapt in
             her heart at his words, Buffy turned away.   Going back to her
             hole-in-the-wall closet she slipped on a pair of shoes.  Reaching for her
             jacket she put it on.  Coming out she took a long look at him, lounging
             on her couch.

             Immediately she became filled with incredible sadness.  Things would
             never change between them.  Her naive notion of bringing love to a
             creature incapable of understanding it, was pathetic to say the
             least.  Hopefully he would just bow out, because if not...both of them
             might never make out alive.

             “Look Angelus, do what you want, so long as it’s not here.”

             “Where do you think you’re going?”

             “Out.  When I get back, please, just don’t be here.”  Turning away from
             his expression of fury she walked to the door.  She never even heard him
             get off the couch before she was whirled around to face him and slammed
             against the door.  She flinched from what she saw in his face.

             It was more than cruelty.  More than violence.  More than hate.  It was
             indescribable.  It was something she had never seen in him before.

             “Are you going to go cry on Daniel’s shoulder, umm Buffy?  Are going to
             sob out your heart over how your ex came in and raped you?  Because
             that’s what it must have been Buffy since you obviously can’t stand the
             sight of me and want me out of your life!”

             “Why are you doing this!?  Why won’t you leave me alone?  Isn’t enough
             that you broke me?  Isn’t it?”

             “No, it’s not enough!”  Angelus felt so many emotions running through him
             that he couldn’t focus on any one.  Why?  Did he want her truly broken by
             him?  Did he want to drive her mad like he did with Druscilla?

             Yes and no.  He wanted her mad, but mad for him.  HE wanted to be the
             madness in her blood.  He thought things were the same, she responded
             like he expected her to, the way she always had before.  Now something
             was different.  She seemed stronger, more immune to him.

             Damn!  How does someone fall asleep one way and then wake up completely
             different?

             The misery in Buffy’s voice would have broken anyone’s
             heart.  “Angelus...I don’t understand this...you.  This isn’t a
             relationship.  We’re not going to live happily ever after, I was a fool
             to ever think otherwise.”

             “Living happily ever after is such an infantile notion Buff.  Surely you
             have better fantasies than that.”

             Humiliation burned at the core of her heart at his callousness.  She slid
             down to the floor and cried.  She cried as she had not cried in years.

             Staring at her, the newfound part of him stirred at the infinite sadness
             in her cry.  He strangely felt the urge to comfort her, to wipe away the
             silver tears rolling down her face.  Almost without thought, Angelus
             squatted in front of her and hesitatingly enveloped her in a hug.  He
             felt her body jerk in surprise at the tenderness of the gesture.

             Buffy couldn’t believe that he was just holding her, not hurting her, not
             trying to have sex with her, but just holding her.  He was always the
             source of her torment, he never tried to soothe her wounds, at least
             without an ulterior motive.  Part of her skeptically waited for his true
             intent to show, but the other part of her just wanted to accept it for
             what it seemed to be.

             “Buffy...”

             Leaning her wet cheek against his chest she shushed him with “No, don’t
             talk.  Just feel.”

             Strangely Angelus did feel.  He felt that small part of him miraculously
             start to expand.  To feel something other than just his own selfish
             desires.  Is this what love was?  Could it be?

             Trailing the end of those thoughts he felt a great internal
             struggle.  Love?  Why would he ever want to be tainted by it?  It was
             weakness.  Love had and always would be the end of all things.  To love
             this woman was to sign his own death warrant.

             ‘Didn’t you already do that two years before?  Aren’t you a target for
             any hot-shit vamp who wants to score a couple of brownie-points for
             taking out the infamous Angel?’ spoke a sly voice in his mind.

             No, this was different.

             Already he felt weaker, taking such strange joy in comforting her.  In
             feeling her small, perfect body against his without the slightest hint of
             lust.  What in the hell was wrong with him?

             She had a thick stack of letters and photos from some kid that
             suspiciously looked alot like that brat Xander.  Obviously she had been
             with that shit in some way, or Viv wouldn’t have thought that he was here
             with Buffy.

             And what was he doing?  Here he was cradling her like a helpless babe
             when he should be tearing her ass up with his belt and then his
             cock.  Weakness.  That’s what love was.

             Look how it made Buffy act.  She was the Slayer for christsakes!  She
             couldn’t bring herself to kill him, even though it was her sacred
             duty.  No matter how badly he had treated her, she still came back for
             more.  She couldn’t do it when she had the chance two years before, even
             though she obviously wanted to.  Why?

             Because she loved him.

             No, he wasn’t going to fall to that thing even more evil than a creature
             like himself.

             Abruptly pulling away from her Angelus backhanded her
             viciously.  Standing up he stared at her prone body.   Coldly he stated
             “Oh you’re good lover.  Almost had me forgetting about dear old
             Daniel.  I do have to give it to you, all that talk about my, let’s say,
             myriad dabblings of the flesh, was a good tactic.  Surprisingly you put
             me on the defense.  The kicker HAD to be when you cried.  Very
             impressive.  It even affected ME.  I wouldn’t have thought that could be
             done.”

             Flinging her hair back from her face, she stood up to face him.  Wiping
             the blood that trickled down the corner of her mouth, Buffy knew it had
             been too good to be true.  “Tactic?  Defense?  Don’t you have to have
             emotions to be put on the defense?  To be affected by tears?” Buffy
             bitingly said.

             Arching a brow he maliciously said “Oh but I do, Buff.  All kinds of
             great emotions, like anger, lust, and possessiveness.  And you want to
             know what?  I’m kinda feelin’ all three right now.”   Dragging her
             protesting body over to the bed, he asked “Now, what do you think I
             should about it, lover?”

             Struggling to get out of his grasp, she said between clenched teeth, “Go
             to Cynthia or Druscilla or any of your other sluts.  I’m sure they would
             enjoy you more than I do.”

             Darkly laughing he threw her on the rumpled bed before throwing himself
             on top of her.  “Don’t you know lying is a sin?  I know for a fact you
             don’t want me to go to anyone else.  You never did like it.”

             Correctly reading the look of pain that flashed in her eyes, Angelus
             poured more salt into the wound.  “But that’s right, you didn’t know
             about Cyn until the end, did you?  Don’t you just love that name---sin
             and Cyn go so well together!”

             Snaking an arm out from under him, she attempted to deliver a right cross
             only to have him block it.  Capturing her arm again he annoyingly asked
             “Did I touch a sore spot with you babe?  What no witty comeback?”

             “How’s this for a comeback:  you’re going to die if you don’t get off
             me.”

             “You’re about as pitifully off in your comebacks as you are in fighting
             me.”  Buffy’s expressive eyes blazed with hatred and rage as she
             struggled against him and his hurtful words.

             “Oh that’s good.  I can feel your hate Buffy.  I always did think that
             taking you in hate is as much fun as taking you when you’re repulsively
             in love with me.”

             Inwardly flinching from his words she stared back into his eyes and
             evenly replied, “You are so full of yourself, but what does it matter to
             me?  Fucking you now would be as memorable as every other time:  barely
             worth the memory.  Get it over with Angel.”

             Clenching his jaw, Angelus felt the impact of her well-placed
             barbs.  Gathering his turbulent emotions under control, he smiled at her
             with such an incredible sweetness.  Seeing Buffy’s unguarded reaction he
             knew that she was reminded of his other, weaker self.

             The one she just called him.

             That damnable soul-boy Angel.

             It seemed like his Buffy was a slow learner:  it was once again time to
             teach his little Slayer a lesson.

                It was also time to learn something himself:  there was no place for
             love in a demon’s life.  Love was just a sick, dirty affair that he
             needed no part of.

             Not even with Buffy.