What puts me away is that I can almost understand what she did and why she did. Almost, I mean, I’m not a stupid man. When I got involved with Lisa I had both eyes open.  These . . .what’s the phrase again? Oh yeah, May-December romances rarely ever last, no matter how much the people involved may want them to. But it hurts, it really fucking hurts.

The sound of the phone ringing jolted me back to reality. For a moment, I contemplated not answering it; I really didn’t want to talk to anyone. However, I also realized that it’s Lisa I’m upset with, not the rest of the world and acting like a recluse won’t help me.
Reaching over, I grabbed for the phone rescuing it on the third ring. “Hello?”

“Greg? It’s Abby.”

“Hi Abby,” I said with no real enthusiasm. “What’s new?”

“Oh nothing really. It’s such a beautiful day and I was planning on taking Michele to the park. Do you want to join us?”

“Oh, I don’t know . . .” I paused, fumbling to come up with a reasonable excuse and failing miserably.  “Lisa cheated on me.” I must’ve said that last part out loud because I heard Abby gasp.

“Greg, I . . .I’m so sorry.”

“There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. You didn’t do anything.”

“I know, but still . . .Greg, come over. At least for a little while,” she pleads.

“I really appreciate the offer Abby. But, I doubt I’ll be much company.”

“That’s okay,” she insisted. “It’s better than being alone.”

“I . . .”

“Greg, it’s either you come here or Michele and I go there. Which is it?”

‘Damn, she’s insistent’ I thought to myself as I let out an audible sigh. “All right,” I muttered. “You win. I’ll be over in a little while.”

“Good.”

~~

Half an hour later I was standing outside Abby’s apartment waiting for her to answer the door.  I could hear sounds from the inside and groaned inwardly as I began to recognize them as being “Sing Along With Barney”, or whatever that videotape is called.  I rang the doorbell again and this time she answered.  “Hey Greg, I’m sorry about that. I was in the kitchen making her lunch and was up to my elbows in baby food. I couldn’t get to the door.”

“That’s all right. Is she watching Barney, again?”

Abby laughed and nodded. “I’m afraid so. This is only the third viewing today. She’ll start to scream again when it ends. Anyway, come on in.”

“Thanks,” I said as I stepped inside the apartment, being careful to shut the door behind me.  “Abby, I still don’t like this neighborhood. It’s not good for you and Michele.”

“Greg, we’ve been over this. I’m a cop. Kathy died because of that psycho bitch, whom I hope rots in hell. She didn’t die because of the neighborhood.”

“I’m just concerned, that’s all.”

“I know. And believe me, I appreciate it. Now tell me, how are you?”

I sighed as I sat down on the couch. “I’m trying desperately not to think or feel.  If I were a drinker, I’d be an alcoholic by now.”

Abby sighed and sat down next to me. “I know you’re in a low of pain. But Lisa is probably in a lot of pain too.”

“I doubt it,” I replied. “She’s probably back at his place by now. And I’m sure he’s playing the big hero and telling her what an asshole I am.”

“I don’t think that’s the case Greg. I don’t know Lisa that well, but I know her well enough to know that she’s alone in her apartment, completely miserable.”

“Good. She deserves it.” God, I sounded like a child.  Why was I acting like this? It wasn’t as if things were exactly idyllic between us lately and I’ve felt her slipping away for awhile now.  So why was I picking on her now? Because she slept with Sorenson and in the process broke my heart? Because I’m not twenty-eight and as good looking as I used to be? I just couldn’t seem to figure it out anymore.

Abby groaned softly. “Greg, there’s two things we can do right now. We can either get the subject out in the open and talk about it, and I do mean all of it, or we can declare the subject closed and not discuss it again.”

“I don’t know what to do, Abby.” I said honestly. “I want to run from it and hide from it, make it go away so I don’t have to deal with it. But, I know I can’t.”

“Then I say we talk about it,” she replied in a quiet voice.

I looked over at her and realized just how lucky I was that she came into my life. Since the day we met, Abby’s been like a godsend to me.  She started me exercising and she gave me a life again. She’s also given me a beautiful baby daughter. I just wish that Kathy were here to enjoy her too. Michele belongs to Abby and Kathy.

~~

“So you cancelled your racquetball date on purpose?” Abby asked, obviously more than a little shocked.

“Yes. Abby, I hate racquetball. Lisa loves it. That’s the only reason I ever played. But now, it’s like . . .I don’t know what it’s like.”

“Greg, a couple of weeks ago, you mentioned something about breaking up with her, did you mean that?”

I shook my head. “No. Yes. I don’t know. We haven’t been connecting lately. Ever since Bobby died.”

“Bobby’s death must’ve really affected you.”

“It did, but it hit Lisa even harder. Andy and Bobby always looked out for her.  She’s got no family, you know.”  Abby nodded. I had told her all about Lisa over the course of the year we had been dating. “When he died, I think of piece of her went with him.”

“I’m surprised that his death didn’t bring the two of you closer,” Abby remarked in a quiet voice.

“It did, for awhile. Then Sorenson entered the picture. Twenty-eight year old baby faced detective who took one look at Lisa and started drooling.  From the second he came into the squad, I knew he was going to be the one to take her away.”

“You know, you’re not giving Lisa much credit.  If you thought Danny would take her away, how much do you really trust her?”

“I do trust her . . .I did trust her,” I corrected.

“Really?”

I sat quiet for a moment. Maybe Abby was right. No, she couldn’t be. I did trust Lisa. This whole time it was Sorenson I didn’t trust. Or, maybe it was myself. “Abby, I’m fifty years old, way past my prime. How can I compete with someone like Sorenson?”

“Greg . . .” she paused for a second. “There was no reason to compete with him. Until today.”

“But you didn’t see the way they were together . . .” I let my voice trail off for fear that I would start to whine.  I knew that I didn’t sound too mature at the moment, but I also knew that I just didn’t care.

“No, but I did see you and Lisa together. And you told me yourself that she flatly turned him down when he asked her out because she’s with you.”

“Not anymore.”

“You don’t know that. And why are you giving up so easily? This man sitting next to me is not the same Greg Medavoy that managed to lose twenty pounds. He’s not a quitter and neither are you.”

I sighed, she was right. I guess I had to confess everything. “I think I’ve been trying to sabotage my relationship, but I don’t know why.” I stopped talking for a minute and took a deep breath. “Actually, I do know why.”

“Why?” Abby asked, looking at me wide eyed.

“Because I want Lisa to be happy. In a lot of ways she’s still a kid. I know she wants to get married and have babies. And, as much as I love her and as much as I love Michele, I just don’t want that anymore.”

Abby just sat and stared at me. I knew that what I had just said threw a monkey wrench into everything she had been thinking. Actually, it startled me a bit as well.  That was the first time I had said those words out loud. But, they were true. Unfortunately, they were true.

~~

“Wow.” It was a one-sentence word that escaped from Abby’s lips. Fortunately, it covered just about everything we talked about today. “Greg, I’m at a loss. You sound like you just don’t know what you want.”

I shrugged. “I sound like I don’t know what I want because I don’t know what I want.  Part of me wants to be with Lisa, but with no strings attached. But then I figure, how can I do that to her?”

“You amaze me sometimes.”

“I do? How come?”

“Because. You were just hurt and you’re still thinking about how not to hurt her. So many people in your position would have slept with someone else just to get back at their partner, but you didn’t do that.”

“Why would I?” I asked. “I mean, what would be the point? If this were a casual thing between Lisa and Sorenson then maybe I would. But it’s not, so there’s no point.”

“Well, for a lack of anything better to say, I’ll just make a suggestion. If this were me, I’d talk to Lisa. Try to work this out . . .if you want to be with her.” She shook her head. “No, wait, let me change that. Before you do anything, think about it. Wait a couple of days and let some of the hurt and anger dissipate. If you do that you’ll be thinking much clearer and you’ll be less emotional.”

I reached over and gave Abby a hug. “Abby, you’re so wonderful. What would I do with out you?”

“Oh you’d definitely manage,” she said with a grin. “You always do. But thank you just the same. It’s nice to know that someone . . .or that the two people I love most in this world count on me and need me just as much as I need them.”

I smiled and was about to respond when Michele started to cry. She had been amusing herself watching the all cartoon network, but now she was starting to get cranky. “I’ll get her for you,” I said as I stood up.

“Thanks Greg. I’ll go get her a bottle and a fresh diaper.”

“Diaper? Uh, on second thought . . .” I joked.

“Don’t worry, I won’t put you on diaper detail,” she grinned as she headed out of the room.

“Come here, sweetheart,” I said as I picked up Michele. “Mommy went to get you a bottle and a clean diaper, she’ll be right back.”

The baby cooed and I held her close to me. Maybe this wasn’t the end of the world after all. Maybe, I’d be okay.

~~

It was after midnight when I finally got back home. Spending the day with Abby and Michele had done wonders for me. However, I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. I had the whole night stretching out before me, and as anyone who has ever been hurt before knows, the nights are the worst.

Walking to the freezer, I pulled out a bottle of vodka and made myself a screwdriver. As I downed the entire drink in two gulps, and began to make another, a move that is uncharacteristic of me. Sure, I drink at parties and sometimes with dinner and maybe after work with the rest of the squad, but alone? I never drink. Well, almost never. Tonight, I didn’t care. I wanted to be free of any haunting feelings.

Two hours and about 5 drinks later, I clicked off the television and stood up to go to bed. I guess the vodka affected me more then I realized because the whole room was spinning uncontrollably. I knew I’d regret it in the morning, but I also knew that I didn’t care. For me, drunk as a skunk was better then stone cold sober.

I somehow managed to make it to the bedroom and into bed. I think I also managed to cover myself before passing out into a drunken stupor. The alcohol must’ve really affected my mind because as I slept, funny images began to take shape. It was like fantasy was intermingling with reality and as a result I began to dream . . .about Lisa.

“Lisa?” I called out as I stepped inside the apartment.

“I’m on the couch.” I heard her reply.

I smiled to myself as I walked towards her, holding a plastic bag filled with candies that I had bought for her on my way home.  “Feel any better?” I asked as I leaned down to kiss her.

“A little, but I think I’ll feel a lot better if you joined me.”

I laughed. “I think you were reading my mind. Give me a few minutes to change, okay? I’ll be right back.” I took the bag and handed it to her. “In the meantime, rummage through this. I bought this as a get well gift.”

“Really? Thanks,” she said, clutching the bag. She opened it, peeked inside, looked up at me and grinned. “Mmmm, candy. Thank you.”

“It was my pleasure.” I turned and headed to the bedroom to change. Five minutes later I came back and climbed on the couch next to her. “I have two questions for you,” I began. “One: Is that my shirt? And two: What are you watching?”

“Yes it is your shirt,” she answered with a grin. “I hope you don’t mind. I got lonely today so I put this on, because it has the scent of your cologne. It was my way of being close to you when you weren’t here. And two, I’m watching a Madonna marathon.” I must’ve made a face because she quickly added, “don’t ask. I have no idea why I’m watching it.”

I kissed her and pulled her close to me. “After that comment about wanting to be close to me, how could I mind you wearing my shirt?”  She smiled at me and then turned her attention back to the television. Now, I like Madonna just as much as the next person but I don’t like her enough tot watch a marathon devoted to her. Besides, I had other things on my mind, the main one being making love to Lisa.

Leaning over, I began to kiss her neck. She giggled softly and I saw goose bumps begin to dot her flesh. I continued to kiss her as I slipped my hand under her blanket, over her flat stomach and inside her panties. I began to massage her softly and was met with a moan of approval. Turning, she kissed me passionately.  As we kissed, I could feel her getting wetter and more aroused.  I moved my hand way and brought to my lips, as she breathlessly pleaded “don’t stop . . .”

I grinned as I licked her juices from my fingers. “Mmm, delicious.”

“Really? Maybe I should get a taste . . .of you.” She sat up and pushed me so that I was on my back. The next thing I knew, I felt her lips on me and a moan escape from mine. If there is one thing Lisa knows, it’s how to give a good blowjob. I felt her mouth and lips slide up and down my shaft as she cupped my balls in her hands. I drew in a sharp breath and gasped out “Oh God . . .” I shuddered as my orgasm hit me violently. She held on to me as I cam and then swallowed.  “Well?” I asked, still trying to regulate my breathing.

“Mmmm. It tasted incredible . . .”she moved up my body and kissed me softly on the mouth. “Just like the rest of you.”

“Really?” She nodded. “Well, as incredible as I taste, you feel that much more incredible,” I said as I gently tugged her panties down and off of her.  “I want to make you scream.”

Lisa smiled as she reached in the bag and pulled out a condom. She smiled as she took it out of its wrapper. “Very prepared, Detective” she commented as she put it on me.

“Always,” I respond as I watched her move, mesmerized by her body, as always. She positioned herself comfortably on top of me and began to rock back and forth, moaning my name. ~God, she feels incredible~ I thought to myself. I reached up and massaged her breasts.

After a few minutes I pulled her down, rolled her under me and smiled at her. “Turn about it fair play,” I muttered as I entered her, pumping in and out as hard and as fast as I could. I felt her legs wrap around me and heard her moans of delight, which kept me as hard as a rock.  I could tell she was close to her climax, so I thrust even harder until I felt her inner muscles close around me. She came with a violent orgasm that sent me into mine . . .

I woke up with a start, confused and disoriented. Reality hadn’t set it and I reached over, half expecting to find Lisa there. When I felt only the empty bed next to me, the haze of the dream was over and I was suddenly very sober. I felt my heartbreak in two and I afforded myself a luxury, one that I hate. I let myself cry.

~~

Monday came all too soon and before I knew it, I was climbing the stairs to the squad. Despite all the thinking I had done over the weekend, I still had no idea what I’d say or do when I saw them. I held my breath as I climbed the last step and silently prayed that they hadn’t arrived yet.  When I walked in, I took a quick look around me and was relieved to find both their desks empty. It was going to be hard enough seeing Lisa, but I knew that it would take every ounce of restraint I had not to punch out Sorenson the second I saw him.

I was about to head into the locker room when Diane approached me. “Morning Greg,” she greeted.

“Morning, Diane,” I replied with absolutely no enthusiasm. I guess she could tell I wasn’t in the mood for conversation because she just smiled at me and continued on into the coffee room. Sighing, I opened the door to the locker room, unaware that Danny and Lisa were both in there, deep in conversation.

~~

“Are you sure you’re up to this?” I heard Danny ask.

“Yes . . .I mean, what choice do I have? I have to face him eventually.”

“How about facing me now?” I heard myself say. “Or would you rather take the next few minutes to fuck your new boyfriend before the boss gets here?”

“Greg that’s completely out of line” Danny answered as his hands clenched into fists. ~Already protecting his property, ~ I thought to myself.

“Oh it is, is it?” I snapped. “Well, maybe you should have thought about what’s in and out of line before you decided to seduce and bed Lisa!”

I could tell Danny was getting ready to come back at me with another remark, but Lisa interrupted us both. “Greg and Danny, stop it! This is not the time or the place.”

I looked at Lisa ready to give her a piece of my mind about times and places when the door to the locker room opened and Lt. Fancy stepped inside.  He looked at the three of us, and I knew instantly that he could sense the tension that was there. I took a deep breath and hoped that he wouldn’t say anything. I really wasn’t up to dealing with the situation at the moment.  “Uh, we have a homicide. Central Park East. Danny, you and Andy are up. He hasn’t arrived yet, so he’ll meet you at the scene. Everyone is on canvass.”

“Sure boss,” Danny muttered as he grabbed for his coat. Nodding my head I turned and headed out the door. I’d deal with Lisa later.

~~

The eight-hour shift seemed to be interminable. I wanted to ignore both of them and stay as far away from them as I possibly could. But with a squad as small as ours, it’s virtually impossible to ignore or stay away from anyone. Finally, the day came to an end and I practically ran into the locker room, anxious to get the hell out of there and go home.

As I gathered my things, Danny came in and locked the door behind me. He stood by the door watching me for a second, almost as if he were carefully picking out his words. “We need to talk.”

“No, we don’t” I said as I continued to get ready to leave. I didn’t bother to turn around and face him. I owed him no respect.

“Yes, we do. When Lisa told you about what happened between her and I, she knew that you’d be upset. She knew that you were going to be angry and she was ready to accept that. She herself freely admitted that she fucked up. She’s owned up to everything that’s happened and she was expecting something from you in return.” He paused for a second and then continued. “However, what she was expecting and what she got were two different things.”

I turned and glared at him. “Oh really? And what exactly did she get from me?”

“Instead of you handling this with the maturity that you normally have, you’ve been acting like a child. If you’re angry with either of us and you don’t want to talk to either of us outside of work that’s fine. We both were prepared for that. But, when you don’t communicate with either of us during a case and you deliberately ignore her when she’s trying to get information from you, that’s just wrong. This is police work we do here, Greg. Not a game of telephone where you can pass information from person to person and hope nothing gets changed in the translations.”

I slammed my locker closed and looked at him. He looked so smug as if he knew that he had already won. “Thank you so much for that little lesson on detective work,” I said sharply. “And seeing as how your years on the job are that much more than mine, you’re qualified to assess how I do my job.”

“That’s =not= what I’m saying, Greg. I’m just saying keep the personal things personal.”

“Whatever you say, Sorenson. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to get home.”

“Fine,” he muttered as he moved aside.

~~

The sound of the phone ringing greeted me as I entered my apartment.  I quickly shut the door behind me and all but lunged for the phone. “Hi Abby,” I muttered as I struggled to keep the phone from falling out of my grasp.

“How’d you know it was me?”

I smiled. “Lucky guess. What’s up?”

“Not too much. I was just calling to see how today went.”

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.  “Today was definitely not one of my better days,” I murmured as I sank into my easy chair.

“Oh,” she breathed. “Did you and Lisa get into it?”

“No. As a matter of fact we barely spoke at all.”

“But?” She prompted.

“But, I had a =lovely= conversation with Sorenson.”

“Oh geez,” she groaned. “What’d he say?”

“That I don’t know how to do my job.”

“What?! Where does he get off saying something like that?!” She exploded. “He’s barely out of rookie status.”

“I know. He was just pissed off because I caught him trying to play the big hero and protector with Lisa.”

“Oh . . .so when did the other exchange take place?”

“As I was getting ready to leave.” I switched the receiver to my other ear, stood up and headed to the fridge. “I can’t take much more of this crap,” I muttered, opening a beer.

“Well, what do you want to do?” She questioned softly.

“I don’t know. Lisa and I are definitely over though.”

There was a silence on Abby’s end for at least a minute before she finally responded. “You sound like you’re sure.”

“I am. Abby, it’s not that I don’t love her, because I do. I really do.” I took a sip of beer and continued. “But something just isn’t there anymore. If it was, she wouldn’t have slept with him.” I still had trouble saying Sorenson’s name out loud. It gave me disturbing images of the two of them together every time I did.

“I think you need to really think about this. Just so you don’t regret your decision, either way.”

“I have thought about it. I was already thinking about ending it with her,” I reminded. I took another swig of beer and continued. “When Lisa slept with Sorenson, she just cemented it.”

“When are you going to talk to her?”

“I don’t know. I guess when ever I can stand to see the sight of her.”

“Well . . .I’m here if you need me.”

“Thank you,” I said. “I really appreciate it.”

“Your welcome . . .and Greg?”

“Yeah?”

“Michele and I love you.”

“I love you both too.”

“Night.”

“Night, Abby.” I hung up the phone and walked back into the living room. Oddly enough, I felt at peace. Lisa and I had one great year together, but it was over now.  Somewhere between coming home from work and this very minute, my anger at her dissipated. I knew that I could not and would not forgive Sorenson for the remarks he made in the locker room, but I wouldn’t hold a grudge against him or begrudge him any happiness. All I ever really wanted was for Lisa to be happy and if he’s the one who makes her that way, who am I to make her feel guilty about it. “Good bye, Lisa” I said out loud. “It was a great ride.”
 

THE END