Hercules and the Date from Hades

By: Andromeda

"CRASH!" Pieces of broken marble and shattered glass flew across Icarus’ face as he tried to take a swig of his thick smoothie. "Boom! Bang! Thwang!" It was like one of those old Batman ‘tartarus vision’ shows. Cassandra walked passed the big battle going on carrying her tray with lunch on it, stopping when a chunk of a column or large farm animal flew infront of her head, and sat at the table by Icarus to eat. She didn’t even bother to look Herc’s way, even when he jumped on their table to avoid the large monstrous hands of the big two-headed fella, or umm… fellas. Hercules swung his fist hard, making sure it hit Orthos right in his oversized blue gut. Both heads of the bi-clops hit hard, right on top of the Speedy Pita roof.

"HA!" Hercules pounded his fist into his hand and watched the monster finally lose consciousness.

It was one of those typical weekends in Athens. You know the drill: No school, monster attacks, Hercules makes mondo damage to public property, just the usual stuff. Frankly all his friends were all too not surprised with this Saturday’s activities.

"That’s my Herc!" Icarus said as he greeted the extremely tired and warn out hero with a thumbs up. "I just love watching you kick monster butt right at lunch! Better then nachos at the……" Iccy’s eyes grew to abnormal size as he lowered his thumb and lifted his index finger instead, to point to the Speedy Pita. "Ummm….. Herc?" Hercules slouched over, pouting almost.

"Sigh… Let me guess…. I’m about to be hurt badly aren’t I?" His brows lowered to that of an extremely annoyed adolescent as a large hand whapped Herc right into a large billboard reading "Got Goatmilk?" with a billy goat on it, with a milk mustache. Icarus jumped on the table and waved a fist in the air.

"Right on the money, Herc! Wow!" He grinned widely and turned to Cassandra who was just munching on a pita. "He’s talking seer now! You think you’re telekinetic influence is affectin’ him, hun?" Cassandra just rolled her eyes.

"Doubt it…" She said as she sipped her own drink. "Though that would be better then influence from you. The last thing we need is another guy acting in any way like, Icarus. I doubt Athens could take it! I know I couldn’t." Icarus jumped down to hug his ‘honey’.

"Ahh you’re so sweet!" He said as Cassie quickly shoved him off and sighed again. She glanced towards the billboard and frowned even more. "I hope he’s alright.." She said with a slight pinch of worry not usual for her.

The young hero finally yanked his head out of the large sign after a few minutes of trying with no luck. Orthos laughed as his body brother joined in. "Finally, brother!" Head two said. "We finally defeated Hercules!" Head one nodded in agreement.

"Yea!" He said in a much lower voice. "Third time’s a charm!" He said with a fang filled grin as he recalled the past few times Hercules kicked their butt. Not this time. They had him right where they wanted him. By this time, Hercules was at their feet, trying to stand up but having trouble. Both heads looked down.

"Well brother, which half do you want? Top or bottom?" Head two said as he picked up the hero with his thumb and index finger.

"Well, I’ve always been partial to the top half myself." Head one said as they both grabbed a stray tablecloth and put it on as a bib. "Oh boy am I gonna enjoy this!" 

"Finally!" Head one agreed. "The mighty Orthos defeats the stale hero! And now will devour him because, well, because it is our duty!" He snorted out a chuckle. "Oh man am I gonna enjoy this.." He said again as Hercules struggled to get free.

*****************

Icarus had made his way to the demolished roof of the Speedy Pita to get a better look at the battle. "Oh man.." He said to Cassie who was standing right below him, arms crossed. "This is boring!!"

"Well what’s going on?" Cassandra asked, not trying to show her curiosity too much.

"Oh not much.." Icarus twiddled his fingers and raised an eyeridge. "Herc’s just hanging there, getting ready to be eaten by that giant bi-clops. Getting pretty dull if you ask me.." Cassandra gasped.

"Why didn’t I foresee this?" She wandered as she felt a tap on her shoulder.

"Hey Cass, have you seen Herc?" The pretty blue haired girl tilted her head in confusion, only keeping her eyes on Cassandra and not really noticing the destruction around her. "I know he’s here." She moved her arm across the completely destroyed landscape that surrounded them.

"Now what would give you that idea?" Cassandra said with a smirk. Andromeda just raised an eyebrow, not amused. "Oh, he’s fighting that two headed cy-clops, Orthos. It’s Saturday." Dromey snapped her fingers.

"Oh that’s right! It’s like a tradition now isn’t it? Orthos huh?" Dromey hunched over, disappointed. "Well, I needed to ask him about the homework assignment in Mr. Euclids class, but if he’s busy…" Icarus waved down at the two girls.

"We’ll deliver the message, Dromes! Just as soon as Orthos is finished trying to eat him, k?"

"Oh, okay Icarus! Thanks!" Dromey said as she waved to the two as walked away towards Persephone, who was waiting by the sidewalk. The brown-haired pink-skinned girl greeted her friend.

"Not there huh?" Seph asked as Dromey shook her head.

"Fighting Orthos again. I’ll ask him later." She began walking towards the school again, which happened to be right next to where Orthos was, and Sephy followed, paying no attention to the monster.

"Oh yea! Saturday.." They both looked up and spotted Herc, being gnawed on by head one of the two headed creature, while the other was still complaining about Herc’s ‘staleness’.

"Hey Herc!" Dromey said as she waved at the boy, who was halfway in the monster’s mouth. "Meet me at the school when you defeat this guy, alright? I need to get an assignment from you!" Both heads frowned and looked down at the sultry looking mortal. Persephone started looking a little worried.

"Ow! Umm… all right YOUCH! Hey stop it! Alright, Dromes!" Hercules said as Head one finally stopped attempting to munch down on his dinner. The beast knelt down and looked face to face with the girl.

"Hey you!" Head two said. "Who do you think you are, sister! Defeat us? We got the kid! We won the battle! What you talkin’ about, defeat??" Andromeda just rolled her eyes as an even larger crowd of townspeople gathered around. Persephone whistled innocently, trying to not get any attention from anyone.

"Sorry guys, no offence." She said with an aggravated sigh. "Well, not much.. But you are holding Zeus’ kid you know. And even if you did beat him, I’m sure ‘papa’ is up there, just waiting to smite the toga off you." The two monsters looked perplexed. "I don’t hear the sound of thunder and lightening, do you? And Cassandra didn’t predict Herc was gonna be defeated obviously, or she would have told someone, so you know you’re not gonna win. Like, big duh!" Persephone whispered to her companion.

"I wouldn’t make him mad, Dromey.." She said. "I mean, this guy is 20 times your size and Herc don’t look so good. I don’t think you’re gonna get much help from him." Dromey chuckled and stared eye to eye with Orthos.

"Oh don’t be silly.." She said as she yelled back up at the monster, while smirking at Herc. "Okay Mister Orthos. Just thought I’d share that bit of information with you. Sorry to have taken up your time! Have a nice day." She patted Head one on the nose and grabbed Seph by the arm and pulled her off.

"Thanks! You too!" Head one said with a wave as he soon felt a big fist hit the top of his head.

"You idiot!" Head two said to his brother as the dumber Head one rubbed his new bump. "That woman insulted us! US! I say we gulp down Hercules and then go eat her!" Head one was starting to get the picture when they realized that their trophy had escaped a few minutes ago without them knowing. "What the- BAM!!!!!!!" And down the by-clops went again, right on top of Parenthesis’ horse and chariot, who happened to be there unfortunately. Running out from the store he was in, the counselor looked in shock and screamed, almost girlishly.

"My chariot!!! (Well, actually my mothers of whom I’m borrowing but you get the point why I’m so upset at the loss.)!!!!"

 *******************

YEA HERC! YOU GO BOY!" Icarus waved his arms furiously in the air, dancing to Herc’s victory. Cassandra smiled slightly but her grin grew even wider when Icarus slipped and fell off the roof and to the ground with a thump! Meanwhile next to the seriously unconscious Orthos, Hercules was getting tons of cheers from the spectators who had seen the whole thing. He fixed his bandana and smiled before he collapsed to the ground with a plop for a little rest. Dromey turned around and clapped along with the group, glad to have been some help. Persephone laughed.

"I didn’t even notice Herc trying to get out of the guy’s hands! Real smart stalling him there!" She laughed.

"Well, glad to have been help. Maybe now I can get that assignment.." She said as she saw a group of a few of her friends, and Phineus, and decided to join them.

"My darling! Are you alright!?" Phineus grabbed the girl by her shoulders forcefully almost knocking her down. He had that almost snooty blue-blood accent that made you just wanna whap him. "You were so close to that monster! You could have been harmed!" Phineus clutched his lovely prize in a close embrace, making Dromey want to hurl right then and there. She shoved him off coldly and fixed her poofy bangs.

"Yes Phineus…. I’m fine…" She grumbled under her breath at the tall dark haired prince. Oh, how she despised him! So certain she was his ‘girl’. However she tried not to let it get to her and she glanced over at Herc just as Cassandra and Icarus had made their way over to the big scene, then glanced back at the tall prince. "You should be worrying about Herc, Phinny. He just got the snot beated out of him by a two-headed cyclops, ya know?" Phineus just snorted and waved a hand at the beat up hero.

"Oh, he’ll be fine, my pet. Just a few scratches and bumps. He’ll get over it. He is demigod you know.." He took Dromey by the hand to lead her off but she quickly made him release it. Amphithea, who was one of the people in their small friend circle snorted at Phineus.

"Always the caring one, eh Phinny boy?" She said as Phineus just glowered as Andromeda joined Cass and Iccy who were helping the hero up. The rest of the group followed, all except Phineus.

"Here Herc. Let me help." Dromey said as she took his right arm and helped pull him up. Herc looked like a long trail of bad road. A large black eye, his toga all ripped, and his hair a total disaster! He wasn’t exactly Mr. Light either. Without him helping the slightest bit, it took a lot for Cassandra and Icarus to try to lift him. Dromey was a lot of help. She helped dust him off as he started standing on his own. He shook his head quickly as if snapping out of some trance.

"Hey," He began in a tone which would make him seem, if you didn’t know the guy, intoxicated. "Thanks fer da help Dwomey. I.. Ieeeeee couldn’t have done it, a, without youu..stalling!" Then he began spitting out gibberish words and everyone just ignored what he was saying all together. 

"Hey you think he needs a doctor?" Dromey asked as Cassandra just shrugged.

"Naaa… just a good therapist and a good night sleep." She and Icarus, with that, led the confoozled hero away for nappy time. Icarus waved back at his friends.

"Party’s over kids! Go on home!" He said cheerfully as Athens started to go on with its usual business once more, leaving what to do with the large Orthos up to City State Trooper Chippocleze and his men.

 ***************

Two days seem to whiz by, as most weekends do, and the poor kids of Athens were thrown back into their weekly prison known as school. Sometimes it was okay, seeing friends and lunch were the highpoints of the day. However, classes like Miss Cassiopeia’s poetry class, were like cells with no walls, you were stuck.

"Now which of you can tell me what Stratarius Allen Poetris meant in his poem ‘The Harpy?’ Anyone?" The attention the class was giving Cassiopeia that Monday was all too typical. Who read poems during the weekend anyway? Half of the class was snoozing and the other half were trying to keep up a conversation with friends without her noticing.

"I- Marcus! Wake up! Heromites! Stop chiseling notes! Icarus! Get those pencils out of your nose this instant!" Icarus blew the two sticks from his nostrils and put them down, pouting all the while.

Andromeda hated her mother’s class. It was hard enough having a mother for a teacher but the fact that she was stuck in that class for a whole school year was horrifying to even think about! She passed the time by sitting in the back, doodling pictures on scrolls, and pretending to care what ‘Mom’ was saying. Hercules, Cass and Icarus sat a row ahead of her, trying to keep their eyes open. Herc’s black eye was gone by this time, due to his demigod-ness, healing came quick for him.

"How ya feeling Herc?" Dromey whispered, as the teacher began going on about the ‘meaning’ of the Harpy poem.

"What? Hmm?" Herc came out of his trance and turned around to see one of the prettiest faces at Pro-Ac. He still couldn’t get over how she actually spoke to him, unlike some of the girls at school. "Oh, great. Nothing a little iodine couldn’t fix. Hehe.. Ow!" Herc clutched his head. "Not quite perfect yet though."

"Mister Hercules! Stop talking!" The boy turned around quickly, watching the teacher as if paying attention once more. Dromey continued.

"Well that’s good. Now, about that homework assignment in Mr. Euclid’s class.. I"

"Shhh." Cassandra tried to silence the girl. "I’m foreseeing detention for both of you if you don’t hush up." She said quietly. Dromey got quiet quickly. She knew Cassie’s predictions were all too accurate and the last thing she needed was a Monday detention. She liked to save hers for Wednesdays.

"Ok.. Talk to you at lunch then." She said as she began doodling once more.

 **************

"WHHHHHATTT?!?!" Hades flames spread wide across his throne room, frying Pain and Panic immensely as they tried fleeing from the big scene.

"Yup. Orthos was hardly a decent candidate for the job anyway, Hades." Phineus crossed his arms and looked at his boss with hardly any interest. "I mean, he is one of the dumbest monster’s on, well, the whole planet! I didn't think making him twice as strong would do any good. Gotta have brains as well as brawn to defeat Jerkules!" Hades’ flame turned its usual color of cerulean and he plopped down on his throne.

"Never send a monster to do a man’s job, huh Phinny?" He said as he began stroking his temples. He almost began pouting. "I decide to take a week out of my busy schedule to try to kill my beloved nephew and he’s STILL ALIVE!" He bursted again, letting his temper get the better of him, but Phineus just ducked the deadly red flame and stood up once more. "I don’t ask for much! Just one dead nephew! And none of Echidna’s monsters can deliver! I mean, what? How many have I sent out in the past few days? Like, three or somethin’? Come on!" Hades stood back up and walked over to the large table in the center of his room. "This is the last time I send a monster to do a god’s job! This may be the last week in like a long time where I have free time to actually attempt to kill off Jerkules and I’m just blowing it!" He pointed a long bony finger at Phineus. "And you! Oh where do I begin with you! What kind of minion are you anyway?! You go to school with the kid for crying out loud! Why is he still breathing? Tell me that please?!" Phineus waved a hand at him.

"Oh don’t point this thing at me! I can’t risk after-school detention! Killing a fellow student on school grounds is strictly prohibited! And speaking of risks…" Phineus remembered Saturday’s shenanigans. "I hope you know Andromeda almost got eaten by Orthos as well! Then our deal would have been blown! You know she is the only reason I’m working for you, you know!"

"And the good dental plan!" Hades corrected.

"Well yea…. But Dromey’s the bigger thing! You’ve gotta get your minions to be more careful and at least know what she looks like! I mean how am I suppose to work under these conditions when I’m always so stressed! AHH!" Phineus began tugging at his hair. "And she even helped Hercules too! She’s the reason he got away from Orthos! I feel so betrayed!" Hades sighed and put a cold hand on his shoulder.

"Your little ‘cookie’ is seriously getting on my nerves! What is this? The seven hundredth time she’s got in the way of my plans! I’m seriously beginning to consider to have her fried myself, deal or no deal with you!" A smiled curled across his face. "Hmmm… why not! Like I said, I have a few more free days, might be fun to hit two birds with one stone."

"What!?" Oh come on Hades! I’ll take care of it! Don’t worry about Andromeda, I umm, just leave it to me! Just don’t do anything rash like kill her! I am kind of attached to her!" By this time he was pretty much talking to himself, as Hades was making his way up the stair to prepare.

"Yea yea, whatever. Say, have you seen my comb? I like to look my best when I’m wreaking havoc if ya know what I mean. Ha!"

 *************

"Nope. Today we’re having Muttonloaf, sunny Jim." The overweight lunch lady piled a truckload of ‘gunk’ onto Hercules’ plate as he let out a sigh of aggravation.

"Thanks a lot…" He said as he made his way to his friends table.

"Ah, lunchtime!" Icarus waved a wooden spoon in the air. "The one time of the day where fellow classmates can assemble to confabulate the days exploits!" As usual, Icarus’ gibberish was even more overpowered by his overacting a small situation. Cassandra just ignored him, while waving to Hercules.

"Hey, Hercules." She said as he sat down, and rubbed his head once more. "Feeling any better?"

"A little.." Hercules shook his head. "I still can’t get over how much stronger Orthos was in that battle. I got the toga beat out of me! It was weird…" Cassandra just shrugged and said she foretold him so, but Herc didn’t feel like hearing it this afternoon. Icarus decided then that it was time to change the subject to a happier note.

"So, I heard Psyche dumped ya for Cupid this morning? Tough luck Herc. Who would have thought a babe like that had a thing for short chubby fat flying guys eh?" The now even more depressed hero dug his face even deeper into his arms. Cass just whapped the short spike-haired kid. "Ow! What? Just trying to make conversation!"

"Yes Icarus! Thank you!" Hercules sighed. "I am not having a good day…" Cassandra gave her friend a pat on his head and smiled as Icarus continued.

"Oh Herc, don’t worry about it. You just have to get your mind off it!"

"Well it WAS til you brought it up, Icarus.." Icarus pondered for a minute.

"True, true. Well, color me silly! Psyche? Forget about Psyche! We just gotta get you another gal, that’s all!" Cassandra tapped Icarus on the shoulder.

"Since when are you Mister Matchmaker? Maybe Hercules doesn’t want a girlfriend at the moment." Hercules took that moment to butt in.

"Yes I do!" He said eagerly. "Anything to get my mind off the past few days! Got any ideas, Ick?" Cassandra just frowned and got up to throw her lunch tray away. Icarus put an arm around his best friend and almost scanned the entire cafeterium for any female life noticeable.

"I have radar almost for this kinda stuff, Herc." He said. "The perfect gal for you is in this room, I just know it. And who knows, this gal might be the next ‘Icarus and Cassandra’!" Cassandra returned and butted in.

"But gee, Icarus, wouldn’t that make his next relationship with a girl, nonexistent then?" Icarus, for once, ignored his honey’s sarcasm.

"No time for jokes, hun. I’m workin’ here." He said as he began scanning, with Hercules, eagerly waiting for any sign of discovery from his friend.

Beep. Beep. Beep." Icarus’ Babe-o-scanner went through about every girl in the cafeterium but none really let off that Icarus buzz. That is until.. "Beeeeeeeepbeeeep!" Icky jumped. "Wow! Looks like we have a winner!"

"Yer kidding right? Andromeda?" Hercules couldn’t believe his ears. Him. Hercules. Dromey. He wasn’t seeing this.