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| April 2009 |
| The problems America now faces are as numerous as the grains of sand in the sky. Composing a list of them is a daunting task, not only because composing lists requires a level of organization that I've yet to achieve (though it would be on my list of things to do if I had the time to write such a list), but because it's hard to know where to start: the economy, the rapaciousness of Wall Street, the unrapaciousness of a public willing to let rapacious people's rapaciousness slide; the defeat of America's armed forces by the residents of an Ohio petting zoo; and foreigners taking American jobs, leaving Americans unemployed, then taking Americans' unemployment as well, leaving us with nothing while they lounge by their pools in Calcutta or wherever. And the worst part of this is the suspicion–no, the certainty–that our boneheaded kids won't be able to snatch our asses out of the fire, as we've been expecting them to do all along. It is ridiculous to ask if cell-phone texting, instant messaging, and Twittering are making our kids stupider and less articulate. Just look at the current crop of K through 12 scholars and gaze upon their brainlessness. Professor Karl Skwakencluck of the National Institute for Moral Certainty has, over the past three decades, gathered definitive evidence that every technological advancement is a guaranteed step backward in our collective mental development. Skwakencluck is quick to point out how television ruined our ability to appreciate poetry, and now, for the first time in history, our poets starve. Opera continues to lose its audience to musical theater, which in turn is losing its audience to High School Musical III. Indoor plumbing has made our children lazy, reducing their character-building burdens by one important chore–the daily hauling of the family chamber pot out to the compost heap. And the current generation of portable communication devices has turned the future leaders of America into simpletons who couldn't make toast if you stapled them to a loaf of bread and locked them in a burning house (believe me, I've tried, and the results were simply appalling). Several right-minded parents and school leaders have sought to ban children's ownership of cell phones and prevent their use of Facebook, but these efforts amount to bailing out a sinking ship with a teaspoon. Instead of fashionably going after the latest technological baubles, we need to go back and eradicate any major advances which have brought our society into the slough of despond where we now find ourselves: watching videos thirty seconds long and typing with our thumbs like animals, often simultaneously, for hours on end. We could seek to eliminate computers altogether, yet computers are merely the latest information storage and dispersal devices. They are, by and large, shared interactive libraries. The root of the problem isn't the keyboard or even the book–no, all of our current bewilderments stem from that grand technological leap, literacy itself. In schools across the country, literacy is actively taught to students on a daily basis. Many graduates of kindergarten classes can already recognize the letters of the alphabet, and some high school students have reportedly finished more than one book. And unless we do something, literacy will spread to the masses–including the ones still learning how to manipulate a washcloth. Action must be swift. After all, if we don't want our children e-mailing their MySpace friends or texting the person sitting two feet from them, we better make sure they can't read. Instead of any reading curricula, our students should be given classes in skills that are more fundamental and real-world, such as gathering sticks to make fire, or chasing competing primates away from the watering hole. We can all do our part and set a perfect example by ceasing to write anything, even shopping lists. In fact, I'm dictating this very article to a friend, having written nothing at all since 1986. I say “friend,” but in fact the guy is literate, and therefore can't be trusted. The friendship ends when this article is finished, and I wish to God I could have let him know more gently than by dictating these words to him now. But these times call for sacrifices. (Yes, keep typing, friend; I’m not finished with you yet.) The complete abolishment of literacy will bring the change we truly deserve. Then the day will come when countrymen of all ages will once again roam this great land in herds, blissfully unaware of stop signs and railroad crossings, happily ignorant of warning labels on cans of food and electronic devices, and filled with so much joie de vive that they never question the authority of government messages over loudspeakers. But defeating literacy is something that no single one of us can accomplish alone. It will take a concerted effort, and I call upon all true Americans to join me this instant. You can start, whoever you are, by not reading these very words. Fondly, G. Beasley Torpingorgle Co-Chair of the Foundation for Civic Pondering and Elevated Disdain Editor’s Note: The opinions expressed above are those of Mr. Torpingorgle and do not necessarily reflect those of KPUT, its creators, nor its reader base, if there's anyone left at this point. |
| Copyright 2009 KPUT Komedy Ink. All rights reserved. |
| Presents the Op-Ed Piece |
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| By G. Beasley Torpingorgle Co-Chair of the Foundation for Civic Pondering and Elevated Disdain |
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