Question: My friends and I know a guy that's gayer than Disneyland. The problem is, he insists he's straight......How can we get him out of his closet?
Fag Hag in Waiting
Jerri Answers:The solution to your problem is simple. It's called a orgy. Just make sure you pack the orgy area with an even amount of men and women. Then just set up a video camera and let nature take it's course. Later bring the tape over to your friend's place and show him the results. If he's gay I betcha it'll be a crystal clear on the video. Hey, you can't argue with hard evidence, baby.

Question: I'm a 68 year old man with a diaper fetish. Also, I weigh 372 pounds, so you can imagine how hard it is to find diapers my size. I've tried custom diapers made from quilts, but it's just not the same unless it's the real deal.Can I find what I need on the black market?
--Darryl poopie jones Tasty Meadows, California
Jerri Answers: You sound like a mess and there's nowhere on this planet you are going to find a diaper big enough to cover that caboose of yours. I'd say to cover your bed in three layers of saran wrap and stay there as a hog would his own slop. As a 68 year old, 372 pound man, you can't be too mobile anyway. Just make sure you change the saran wrap and shower at least once a week or the room may start to stink.
P.S Lose some weight Fatty.

Question: Hello Jerri! I watched your show and I think it is hilarious. Was just wondering if you could help me on the subject of making friends. I know it's hard for you and I was just wondering how?
Jerri Answers: Well, ask yourself this question: Am I loser, a dwarf, a albino or Am I a Blond? If your answer to any of these is yes, then you can be my friend because no one else will talk to you-
Jerri

Question: Dear Jerri, Is your Dad okay? He looks dead or shocked. Thanks Julia
Jerri Answers: Dear Julia, Have you looked at your parents lately, I was wondering the same thing. As for Dad, he's fine. Thanks for asking. He says "HI"

Question: Dear Jerri, I don't have a question about myself, but about you. What in the world are those pin-ups of hot women doing on the inside of your locker? Also, I think Poppy got what was coming to her.
Thanks, Doug
Jerri Answers: Dear Doug: The women in my locker are old friend/business acquaintances. And regarding Poppy, why is that every time someone freaks out, imagines they're a bee, and tries to force themselves through a keyhole, they blame the pusher?
Mournfully, Jerri

Question: Dear Jerri: I have a good friend who could sure use some social, make up, fashion, and dancing advice. I mean your so talented. Can you help? Sincerely hoping you'll answer-
Joe M. Jones
Jerri Answers: Dear Joe,
I can do many things. I can make a condom out of saran wrap and butter, I can hot wire a car with my hands cuffed, and I can perform a trachaeotomy with a broken piece of glass and some peroxide. But no matter how hard I try there's no way I can help your friend with an email. He sounds like a fragile and complex case. I will say this to him though: Try not to stink,don't be afraid to put out, and keep the lights low. Good Luck--Jerri

Question: Dear Jerri: I was wondering, is it true that size matters? Is it possible to satisfy a woman with a less than adequate tool? Thanks --lokifire--
Jerri Answers: Dear Lokifire,
It's not as much in lenght as it is in thickness. But all you stubbies out there should stop whinning and goby some tools. Moroccan beads, Ben Wah Balls, Vibrators, Cucumbers, CArrots, Wooden Paddles, Cedar Shoe Trees, Cat of Nine Tails, and Feisty Gerbils just to name a few. Be a smart shopper and don't be shy with the lube.
--Jerri--

Question: My problem is for the last few months, my acid trips haven't been good trips. Once I was Jerry Garcia as a serial killer who puts victums in Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and one my body absorbed in my chair and I couldn't get out while skelton hands were reaching for me. How do I get my good trips back?
Thanks, Paraniod in Germantown, MD
Jerri Answers: Dear Paranoid in Germantown
Stop listening to the Dead. You're obsessed. ---Jerri--

Question: I was just wondering what was up with your brother Derrick, Is he gayer than Disneyland or what? Plus he's a real jerk.
Thanks
Jerri Answers: He is as queer as a leopard without spots, a whore without crabs, and a three dollar bill all rolled into one. He recieved 50 bonus faggy points just for being born. He is the reigning and indisputable champion of the homo's. And yes, he is a jerk and quite the pussy to boot.---Jerri

Question: I was going to throw a party, how can I make it festive? I'm going to be serving some hot fruits, but what else do I need? Please Jerri, because your the best,
Your Pal, Krista
Jerri Answers: I don't if it's a coinkeedink or what, but every festive party I've been too had at least these two elements: Drugs and Hookers. Of course, I've spent a lot of time in the slammer for charges related to both of these elements, so you'll have to weigh your options, Ta, Ta, for now! till next time.
Question: My friend Tony keeps dating these fat neurotic Jewish men and I tell him if it dosen't work out, why don't you date another type of man and stop limiting yourself, Can you please help me help him. P.S. I Love Your Show
--Todd
Jerri Answers: A fat neurotic Jewish man is no prize, but there are a lot worse out there. How about a short schizophrenic Baptist car dealer, a thin manic depressive athesit mime, a deliulsory opera singer who imagines themselves singing at the Met every Sat, or an obese Hindu Sailor with an unusal affinity for cattle, just to name a few. Not to mention the peg legged Christian skin heads. Boy are they a handful! Consider your friend as lucky.

Question: Hey, what's new? I have a problem. This new girl moved to my school and I like her. So what can I do to get her to like me back? Because she likes me as a friend, but I want to be more than friends.
SETooredman
Jerri Answers: Dear Guy from Chicago. You have to stand out from the rest of the crowd my friend. Can you touch your forehead with your tongue or snag a dime off the street with your hands tied behind your back, and both feet touching the ground. Either that or just take the direct approach and her the mere thought of her makes you as stiff as a frightened possum.

Question:My boyfriend has these funny bumps on the end of his man size manicotti. Hew told me tht he went to a piercing salon in the mall and they sutured these wart like things onto his peppy pepporoni to make it permanently ribbed for my pleasure. Well, the problem is that now my quivering mound of love pudding is coated with them. They must be falling off his bony macaroni. How can I tell him in a nice way that the piercing stand at the mall ripped him off?
Sincerely, Gerry
Jerri Answers:Dear Gerry
Genital jewelry is not something you go to an amateur for. Your boyfriend should go see my man Nico. He installed what I call "The Liberty Bell" onto my clitoris back in the summer of '73. Did a damm good job too. I haven't had a problem since that day I got it. As for your boyfriend, tell him he's probably better of with a single wide piercing or a series of fucking rings. Those bumps thingees are a friggin' rip off. Oh, and tell him malls don't do penis piecings so it was probably just a middle age drifter wandering around the mall, looking for a good time. I can't believe your boyfriend fell for it.
--Jerri

Question: I get the impression that you are a lesbian. If so, what kind of girls do you go for? I'm 5'2, I have beautiful red hair, and a great ass. I'd love to take you out to a nice dinner and then bonk your brains out. Sounds good? I sure hope so you sexy hunk of woman.
--The Great Laureenie
PS: I have a girlfriend, she wants to know if she can watch?
Jerri Answers: Let's skip the dinner. I'm sure I'll be full by the end of the night one way or the other. Tell your girlfriend she can't watch. She has to go down on me while pour beer on your head. I know it sounds mean, but if you close your eyes, and the beer is cold, it's kinda like you're on a water ride. Except the water is carbonated and full of barley and hops....oh, and you usually don't have to go down on anybody on a water ride...but other than that it's very similar.
--Jerri--

Question: What's the difference between Guilt and Regret?
Jerri Answers: Usually around $20,000 in legal bills for me. In general, I've found guilt can be easily lost with 32 years of blaming others and a drug habit that would kill most men, including Keith Richards. Regret is like a balloon full of herion, in an airport. It's a chronic pain in the ass in danger of bursting when you least expect it in front of a terminal full of airport security. But when it finally passes, oh what a relief?
--Jerri--

Look for more Ask Jerri in future weeks, Jerri will help you solve your dull life's problems
Last updated: July 19,1999

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