Teen Dating Violence

Teen dating violence, like adult battering, is characterized by its lethality, patterns of domination and control and by its cyclical nature. Dating violence is NOT about love, and part of the goal in education is to help people define love as a behavior, not an emotion. Because it's so hard to leave once you're in an unhealthy relationship, Dating Games encourage people to listen for warning signs of possible violent relationships before establishing a relationship and to talk about this topic with each other. It is hoped that youth will support each other in insisting on relationships in which respect and equality are present.

How big a problem is it?

Surveys show that violence is experienced in 28% of teen relationships. A husband or boyfriend kills one out of three women murdered in the US.

Date rape accounts for 67% of the sexual assaults reported by adolescent and college-age women and about 57% of restraining orders issued against teenagers are concerning a dating relationship.

87% of teenage batterers are male. The location where physical abuse is most frequently reported is in the schools. 84% of teenage dating abuse occurring at school involves some type of physical violence.

Dating violence is about power and control, where one person tries to control or dominate the other one. It is a pattern of behavior that doesn't happen just once, and it usually gets more severe over time. Sometimes it goes unrecognized and often people are confused about how to deal with it once it comes to light. This will give you some information about how people become involved in dangerous relationships and some things that friends can do.

It comes in different types and may include one or more of the following types of abuse:

• Emotional
• Verbal
• Psychological
• Physical
• Sexual
• Social/environmental

Here are some things that may make it harder for teens in abusive relationships. Teens want to run their own lives. They are seeking independence from adults and are just beginning to have more control over friendships and decisions. They don't want to risk their new freedom by admitting that a relationship is out of control. Teens take their relationships very seriously, and even if they are short-lived, they are just as intense as adult relationships. Yet many adults don't take them seriously, discounting them as puppy love or over-dramatized. This further alienates teens from adults in their lives.

Teens feel confusion about all kinds of appropriate behavior in relationships: sexual behavior, decision-making , birth control, etc. Because they don't have lots of experience in relationships, they may not realize when a partner's behavior is out of line. Because abusers tend to isolate their partners, it is even harder to get a clear "reality check". Abusers often blame anyone but themselves and the victim may fall for it.

Because of past experiences, teens may not even identify an unhealthy relationship as abnormal. Especially if the teen has been abused at home, or has seen an abusive relationship between parents, it is hard to expect much better from a partner. (This goes for the abusive partner as well.) Relying on sex-role stereotypes (like the man is in charge and women should try and please them) is another pitfall, leaving women to blame themselves for the failures of her partner. Some people are even flattered by the attention of a possessive partner, equating this attention to love.

Young men who physically or sexually assault their girlfriends don't often fit our common stereotypes of the bully or "macho" man. There are literally all types of perpetrators. Some are loudly aggressive, while others are quiet or passive in public. Some are loners. Many are attractive and come from "model families". Often the victim is not believed when she reports that her boyfriend has abused her since violence doesn't fit the picture that others have of him. Of course there are all types of victims too. Some aren't believed because they may have a worse reputation than their partner may. This is a common problem for rape victims.

Why is it hard to leave?

Love: Many victims think they can change the abuser's behavior

Fear: Many times the partner will threaten suicide if the other decides to leave, or threatens to further harm the victim. Sometimes leaving escalates the risk of abuse, and it's not like the victim can just "get away" from the perpetrator, because they might still be living in the same town, or going to the same school.

Doubt: It isn't easy to admit that the relationship is unhealthy. If the partner is popular, there may be concerns about losing other friendships or social status

Embarrassment: Teens who ask for help may feel like they've failed.

Abuse usually follows a particular cycle

The persuasive "Kiss Up" stage often makes it hard to see the abuse as a continuing cycle. After all, remember the intensity of the relationship. In fact, at times the abuser may be charming and kind, and the partner may feel a great deal of affection for him or her.

What can you do? What's helpful? What's NOT!

Peer intervention can end or escalate a violent relationship. Friends of the victim may try and beat up the abuser, which may temporarily protect the victim, but may ultimately increase their risk of abuse.

Don't assume they want to leave or assume you know what's best for them at this point in time. This may make them afraid of disappointing or angering you. They also may shut down and feel like you don't understand or are being judgmental. Part of the goal is to keep victims from being isolated or from trying to deal with the relationship on their own, so, your focus should be on opening doors for them.

DO

• Talk to the victim alone
• Find out about community resources
• Assure them of confidentiality, and ask permission to tell anyone else. If you need to report an incident to the police, or Child Protective Services, let them know you're doing this and work out a plan with them on how they can maximize their safety.
• Ask questions that will help victims recognize what has happened to them and identify it as abuse
• Support their courage in asking for help or for trying to focus on what they need and want. Respect their limits. If they want to remain in the relationship, don't tell them that's wrong, but tell them you're worried for their safety and point out the risks.
• Share your observations about the relationship if you've witnessed anything. Help victims recognize their partner's excuses for the abuse. They may blame alcohol or drugs. Point out that even though their partner may have a drinking or drug problem, that doesn't cause the violence. Abusers may say they "just lose control" or they may blame victims for "provoking them" or "asking for it". Help victims see that their words and actions do not justify violence. Abusers may say they wouldn't be violently possessive or jealous unless they loved their partner. Remind victims that jealousy and possessiveness do not equal love.

DON'T

• Minimize the relationship
• Ask the victim what they did to 'provoke' the abuser. This will only reinforce feelings of self-blame and prevent them from expecting the abuser to take responsibility for their actions.
• Take second-hand information.
• Pressure them into making decisions. Remember that victims are already under a lot of stress and are probably being pressured by the abuser in ways that may not be evident to an outsider.
• Don't tell them they are wrong to stay, just let them know that you are worried about them and that you care.